I don't trust DH and I don't know what to do

[UnknownFutureTomorrow]

Hi all,

I'm going to give some background so hopefully it all makes sense and I really want to be told I'm unreasonable as I just wanna get out of this funk I'm in.

DH has always had a problem with porn. I'm not bothered about regular porn as I figured most men do watch it and I can't exactly post on a dating website "no porn watchers" but I do know some men exist who don't watch it so please no "my DH doesn't" in the comments but anyway my problem was he was watching porn on Reddit and other sources where you could message and speak to the people posting the videos and that made me uncomfortable and I told him so but it didn't stop. We've argued about it over the years. The worst one being when I was 1 month PP and the night before my dads funeral when I found out he'd been watching that day when he was suppose to be watching 1 month old DC (but it was okay apparently because he went into the bathroom to do it leaving DS alone asleep in a open room where the cats had access). I was too tired and too upset to even bother so I've turned a blind eye to it since (my fault I suppose) and thought I trusted him. I think for me the worst thing was about it all was he was willing to risk our whole relationship to watch this certain porn and that was the kicker more than the porn really like my feelings didn't really matter as long as he was getting his satisfaction.

He's recently started university and has made friends with a group of people (men and women) ranging from early 20s-30s and they message, hang out at and after university and what not. Fine people are allowed friends but DH came home yesterday saying they've arranged a night out which I said I wasn't really comfortable with because well alcohol, lower judgement etc and honestly if he was willing (and maybe still is) to risk our relationship for porn then what would actually be stopping him for a shag? If you know what I mean plus we have two dc one disabled 2 year old and a 6 month old and I don't want to nurse a hungover DH as well as care for two kids.

Now I know that sounds controlling and he's a grown man and can do whatever he wants and usually I actually wouldn't be bothered if he was going out with his friends but to go with people I don't know, younger girls I don't know I feel really insecure about it and there's no point talking to DH about it as like all he says is "I won't cheat" and that's the end of it, he's going which like I said grown man and can make his own decisions.

So I guess more I'm asking how do I deal with my own insecurities? and am I being totally unreasonable or is the past making me a little bit jaded?

If hes lied then you dont trust him its as simple as that -can you carry on your marriage with no trust

@neilyoungismyhero I asked if I could google something on his phone and when I pulled up the browser he had left it on so it came up as I clicked it so I asked him about it etc and that's when he told me.

So obviously I was disgusted and was like why are you masturbating in front of the baby and he said he went into the bathroom when he was asleep etc so that's how I found out.

If you cannot trust your partner to not cheat on a night out then you cannot be with them.

It doesn’t matter if you can’t trust them because they’re a dirty cheat or because it’s your own insecurities.

I think you need to decide whether this relationship is right for you and if you want to spend your days being paranoid over the things he does.

You're 100% correct and this is what it boils down to.

I guess (sorry to drip feed but I'm working through my issues on this thread) I thought I trusted him as it's been two years since we last argued (probably because I turned a blind eye to it after that) and I thought I could trust him and whatever and now I'm realising that I don't but I'm two kids in, a mortgage, a few cats and it's a hard pill to swallow and I could either live the rest of my life paranoid, turning a blind eye to it or decide otherwise.

We've argued about it over the years. The worst one being when I was 1 month PP

I don't think this is really about porn us. It's about find something on which you disagree and being content to continue arguing rather than finding a resolution.

And going on to bring DC into the relationship with the disagreement unresolved.

It's much easier to agree a resolution before being bonded together for even by DC.

If you want to stay with him you have to accept that he may or may not cheat, wether you trust him or distrust him.

This ISN'T about your insecurities, he is watching porn where he messages certain women he likes and interacts with them? Will fixate on their bodies and looks and wishes he could shag them. Not healthy at all in a relationship.
He should be able to socialise with people at uni though. If he's gonna cheat he will. Don't try and pull him away from temptation.. I'd hate to be with a man who only wouldn't cheat because the opportunity isn't there. I'd rather be with someone who could be in all sorts of situations and not even dream of it.

Theres definitely insecurity coming from your part, but he has been the one that caused it.

Unfortunately the more you won’t let him go the more he will want some ‘freedom’. How can you spend the rest of your life watching over him and wondering when he’s going to cheat / shag someone else at the sight of another women in a group. That’s just not the way to live.

Personally I don’t have an issue with guys watching porn. I don’t know why so many people are against it but each to their own.

You two are in the middle of this really toxic cycle where the more he doesn’t make you feel secure / loved the more you try to control him/ the environment and then the more he wants to break free from that control. It’s not going to be a very good end to this cycle until you put a stop and explain once and for all why you feel insecure. If he still chooses to ignore that then I am afraid he doesn’t care or love you and then it’s very clear it’s time to move on.

I do agree that porn use where you interact with the woman and message them and have an online connection to them (reddit or onlyfans both have this) is different from just using a video to wank off to.

I would not be okay at all with the interaction with the women in the videos - most of it is amateur produced porn - the woman are filming themselves or cam videos and there is often money exchanged involved as well as they will do private videos or specific videos on request. The women also often send the men messages validating and complimenting them to get them to keep watching and buying their content. This creates an emotional gratification as well as a sexual gratification and tends to increase the depth of the fantasy.

It sounds like the reality is that you can't trust him to not interact with these women. Going out with uni friends is a separate issue - you already know you can't trust him on some level. Keeping him home from a night out won't keep him from cheating or developing inappropriate relationships with others at uni if he wants to. You are grasping at straws but the writing is already on the wall.

As far as I am concerned he is openly cheating! Directly contacting other women in this way is cheating in full view. it’s is beyond contemptuous.

This all boils down to how you abandoned your values and prinicples early doors rather than recognising this man and you are not aligned.

He likes porn and although you told him you didn't like him doing the Reddit thing ()or whatever he wouldn't stop. But you stayed in the relationship when this was a clear indicator you were not compatible.

You can't trust him, so it is done - and it was always going to be. Of clourse, you can stay - but that would just be more self-abandonment, and is that how you want to live?

And yes, you CAN put on your profile "I don't like porn. Find someone else if you do.'

I don’t care about porn nor hanging around with others, even attractive women. If you didn’t think he had it in him to cheat, you wouldn’t be concerned regardless of who he’s meeting? I don’t think it’s something he can fix, he could give up porn but that’ll make him think about it more and for what, you’ll still be insecure. Try to believe you’re enough for him!

He isnt risking your relationship. I can tell from reading your posts you eint leave him so he probably can as well. He is risking a nagging.

He probably had the sense to shut the cats out of the room for five minutes so I dont think he endangered his child any more than by going to the toilet. Arguably it would be better for SIDS risk to stay in the room but I think you're blowing up the endangerment because you dont like the porn.

I dont think he will cheat on you.

@CheersForThatEh he didn't lock the cats out of the room. The way our house is the living room is open plan so stairs lead right on to the living room so they had access to it whichever way and he would have told me if he did as a defence.

Whether he'll cheat on me or not is irrelevant at this point. It's really fucking sad I can't say with certainty that he wouldn't cheat on me given the opportunity so what's the point? I am ending the relationship realistically neither of us can move out yet so I'm going to cancel a holiday and he can set up in the spare bedroom and we'll have to take it from there and work out what we can do going forward.

You're husband is a pig who put his sexual gratification before the safety if his own baby , he is disgusting get rid

Can he move out altogether to his mothers house op? He still gets all the benefits living in the spare room. From today you should stip doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning etc.

I don't think this has anything to do with her "insecurities" she's made it clear to him that watching porn makes her uncomfortable so it's not really her insecurities.
If he knows he's making his wife/gf uncomfortable then he should respect her enough to stop it. Why watch porn when you're in a relationship? Why can't your partner satisfy you? I really don't understand why people watch it in relationships unless their partner is okay with it. If he can't respect her over PORN then I'm pretty sure he would respect her in any other ways like (cheating) as porn isn't really hard to stop...

I'm sorry but he sounds like a knob and I would be the exact same and react the same way you have.

Porn ruins relationships idc what anyone else says, he should be satisfied by you without wanting to look at other women to satisfy himself.

Secondly you've made it clear it makes you uncomfortable and he still can't respect you enough to stop.
I completely understand why you feel like this, you should try and talk to him and just say your not comfortable with it (communicating is the best think you can do) and if he can't respect how that makes you feel get rid of him. No one should ever make their partner feel uncomfortable about them going out and if they know their partner will feel uncomfortable/insecure about it then they shouldn't do it.

He sounds like a prick and sounds like he don't have any respect for you on how you feel.

It is difficult because he does not make you feel secure and the porn thing while you were at the funeral home and he was meant to be minding his kids is vile. I would feel the exact same as you are stuck at home while he will be out having great fun. You need to get a social circle also and have a night out and let your hair down. He does not sound trustworthy and you have to decide is this the life you want for the future so you and him need to sit down and have a serious conversation where he takes responsibility. I would be feeling the exact same way as find porn awful especially if he is meant to be looking after the kids.

Your husband is shite. Put up or leave the porn addled scrote

I think that if you tie something else you absolutely know is unlikely to stop, to whether you can trust someone and openly say so to them, you will make your prophecy fulfil itself.

Picture this, DH demands you never drink wine again and it isn't happening, then he says "you keep drinking wine therefore you are a cheater and I do not trust you not to cheat.

Whether you are a cheater or not, your insecure OH has now declared you will be treated as one and the trust is gone.

Insecure jealousy fulfils its own nightmares.

What anyone else’s pro/anti porn stance is irrelevant. What do you think about it? If it’s cheating to you - it’s cheating, and a boundary has been crossed.

You have explained to him that this behaviour hurts you. Yet he continues to do it. Does this sound like love

Trust is built over time by repeated actions that reinforce integrity and openness.

You do not have trust issues - your spidey senses are spot on - his actions have been secretive and selfish.

What are the actions he could take that would show you he loves you?

You don't like porn. If it's a dealbreaker you need to leave.
No one can tell if someone will cheat but you clearly don't trust him.