Falling out over wills.

[Mooshamoo]

My dad died 2.5 years ago. He left my uncle as sole executor of will and me as sole beneficiary. The only thing is we are not a close family. My dad and mum divorced many many years ago Me and my uncle (dad's brother) were not close, we lved in different countries, had only seen each other about three times in our lives.

My mum raised me and my dad had barely been in my life, despite me asking him to see me. He wouldn't see me. So when he left me all his money, i was happy, I was thinking that's the first nice thing he has ever done for me. It was more than the money to me, it was a sign to me that I mattered, that he did care about me in some shape or form.

Anyway he made my uncle executor and my uncle is not a nice man. It dragged on for 2.5 years before I got the money. I did get the money in the end. But I just feel like the 2.5 year process of dealing with my uncle qbout it all has really emotionally broken me down.

My uncle was not on my side and was not kind to me throughout the process. He treated me with total disdain. I got the feeling from him that he thought I shouldn't get the money at all. He was pretty nasty to me. He asked me to give a large chunk of the money to my father's girlfriend ( who has never once spoken to me). He said the girlfriend was thinking of taking me to court to challenge the will. Which gave me sleepless nights for about three months. Eventually he said that she had decided not to do it. I He was so cold and cruel to me throughout the whole process. My uncle has often treated me like i was not part of his family. When I should have received some kindness after my dad's death, I received nastiness.

It was terrible to have an executor of the will that was not at all on my side, and didn't want me to get the money, when I was the beneficiary.

I just feel so totally and emotionally broken from it all. When I finally received the money I couldn't even enjoy it, because I just felt so broken and hurt and abused from my uncle for years.

This has caused a real deep emotional wound in me. Me and him don't talk anymore. This is really hurting me. I wake up and I think "why couldn't he even be nice to me after my dad died". He had to be cruel and cool and cold to me right after my dad died. The lengthy process has really hurt me.

Any thoughts or advice?

I’m not sure why you're bothered about a man you've only seen 3 times in your life. Maybe though, he was concerned that your DFs partner may have ended up with no home or money after he died? Could that be it? You don't say how long they were together for.
I think in terms of the length of time it has taken to sort out the estate, thats not unusual, given that you live in different countries. I am the executor of my DMs estate - she died in February 2022 and we are still not able to settle the estate. These things can take years to sort.
Perhaps the fact that you saw so little of your father is the real reason for your feelings. Maybe you’d benefit from some bereavement counselling?

It sounds painful but the main thing is that your Dad did care enough about you to make amends for his past behaviour. Your uncle may well have found it difficult to lose his brother, see the girlfriend struggling and yet be obligated to see that you (to him a stranger virtually) inherit.

That doesn’t make it any better but his perspective was obviously skewed.

Try to move on and use the money wisely. You can keep it safe until you do feel like spending any.

Im actually executor for two family wills and frankly I’m dreading it. It is quite onerous.

Your uncle obviously didn't agree with your DF making you sole beneficiary and was probably envious that he didn't get any money, especially if he had to do all the probate work.

How long had your DF been with his GF? She isn't legally entitled to anything and probably realised she'd lose if she took on a costly court challenge. Your DF could have altered his will if he'd wanted her to receive anything.

You don't have a relationship with your uncle so you just have to let it go now. Don't let him live in your head.

You've received your inheritance now and this awful uncle is out of your life - for good if you want him to be.

I'm sorry you had to go through that, but I think you should now enjoy your money and give the dickhead no further thought.

I just think what has hurt me is that when my dad was alive, my dad's side of the family always treated me like I wasn't part of their family. They were so cold. My uncle has been cruel to me before in life. When my dad was alive , I tried to see my dad once, and my uncle told me that I was not allowed to see him. My uncle has always been a cruel man and has always treated me like I don't exist/like I'm a piece of shit

Having to deal with my uncle for 2.5 years after dad died, with my uncle constantly treating me again like I am not part of their family, has just made me feel really really bad. I thought he might treat me with a bit of kindness at this time. But no, I feel he took the opportunity to be cruel and nasty to me again. At a time when I was sad and vulnerable he couldn't show me the tiniest bit of kindness. I felt he enjoyed being nasty to me again

Yes even though he abused me for 2.5 years, if I keep thinking about it, I'm just letting him hurt me more. I have to try to let the pain of it go

The minute I heard my uncle was executor my heart sank, I knew he'd be extremely jealous that he wasn't left the money , and I was.

It's a strange system, executor , beneficiary.

How can they make someone an executor who actively hates and is extremely cruel to the beneficiary. How is that in anyone's best interests.

Money and wills bring out the worst in people.

When my dad died he left half of his money to me, not that it was a huge amount but I was grateful. Unfortunately he placed my mum as executor and she took charge just as she always did and gave me the amount SHE wanted me to have.

I was not about to fall out with my mum over it and the amount wasn't enough to go to court anyway but the whole situation was horrible and there's still a lot of jealousy from relatives.

I guess I'm saying I completely understand why this process has hurt you. It's horrible to be treated so badly by family who you should be able to trust after all.

I can't adequately describe the feeling, but I just feel like the process has done me terribly emotional damage. Ive been terribly depressed and haven't had a good night's sleep since it all. There's something about people being cruel to you, right after someone dies, that causes an extremely deep wound.

When a parent dies, you want sympathy and support. I had to instead spend 2.5 years being treated with absolute cruelty and nastiness by my uncle.

He has always treated me like I wasn't part of their family. So to have to be thrown together with him for nearly 3 years , with him being constantly cruel and nasty to me, after my father died, has really badly hurt me. I feel like he really enjoyed and took every opportunity to tell me that I am not part of his family. im having panic attacks now. I'm a shell of the person I once was.

I understand but remember it's a reflection on your uncle's personality, not you.

I know it's incredibly hard because I have never belonged in my own family- my dad was also the outcast but we were both abused horribly by others.

But it is important to recognise that when people are cruel it's to do with them...you never deserved this shit from your uncle and you can be a better person than him. Don't let his cruelty destroy you.

Right OP, go out and buy a lovely bottle of Champagne.

Sit down and write out all the anger and hurt you feel about your Uncle and family who have hurt you and been cold and distant. Get it all down on paper.

When you've finished take the papers outside (on a dry day or night) and put them in an old saucepan or metal bucket. Get some matches or a lighter.

Now open the champers and pour a glass. Before you drink set fire to the paper, think of the Uncle etc and say aloud "Fuck Off" and drink. Laugh aloud if you can. Let the bad memories drift away withbthe smoke.

Then toast your Dad "thanks" and think of nice memories of him while you drink the rest.

You need to try to come to terms with the fact that even though you have done absolutely nothing wrong, your own father and his family do not like you, yet part of you really wants them to. I'm sure they have a reason for this behaviour, although that doesn't make them right or even rational.

I know how these wrangles can really take a toll on you emotionally and psychologically, but you surely don't have to have anything to do with them any more and should stop dwelling on them and their horrible behaviour.

Simple, but not easy I know.

Thank you!

Don't let other people destroy you is a good one.

I can assure you that people don't "enjoy" spending their inheritance. Most would rather have their loved one still living. Most of mine is still sitting in bank accounts 7 years after my parents death. It doesn't seem right to enjoy it.

The law was on your side. The Executor (your uncle) was duty bound to carry out your Father's instructions regardless of what his personal opinion was. You should have treated any contact as purely transactional - as you would if a Solicitor had been Executor.

You've got your money now - move on from it. You had no relationship with these people before and unlikely that you ever will. Put them behind you and spend your money as you see fit.

Nothing like money to divide a family.

Don't overthink.it now. You got the money.

Some people are just dickheads. Forget your uncle, book a nice holiday and remember that you dont earn love by continually letting arseholes into your life when they have shown themselves to be dickheads.

I know one reason why my uncle doesn't like me. Which is his wife. His wife is one of the most horrible people that I have ever met.

When I was younger I was quite pretty, and I went round to my uncles house a couple of times. I could feel his wifes utter hatred towards me simply because I was younger prettier woman than her. She hated me.

My uncle never dared be nice to me when she was there. For example, I remember my uncle complimenting me once on my hair, he said my hair was nice. I then saw my aunt glare at him for daring to be nice to me.

And my uncle instantly corrected himself and said "actually your face is ugly" to me. She has been truly horrible to me several times. My uncle is verybad too , but he is becomes worse because of my aunt who is truly an awful person.

I know after my dad died, some of the cruelty that came to me from my uncle, came from my aunt. She is the boss in their house
I am sure it was ny aunt that said to him "she shouldn't get all the money, tell her to give it to his girlfriend". My aunt is wicked to me. And my uncle is horrible too. At least I don't have to deal with them again

Thank you.

Nothing like money to divide a family. It's true. You think people will be kind and sympathetic after someone dies. But it is often arguments about money.

He has always treated me like I wasn't part of their family. So to have to be thrown together with him for nearly 3 years , with him being constantly cruel and nasty to me, after my father died, has really badly hurt me. I feel like he really enjoyed and took every opportunity to tell me that I am not part of his family. im having panic attacks now. I'm a shell of the person I once was.

You need to flip your thinking on this. Your Dad chose you to inherit.
Your uncle may have always treated you nastily and made you feel like you were not part of the family , BUT when the chips were down, your dad decided that you were the most important person in his family. Not his brother, not his girlfriend , YOU.
Did he enjoy hurting you, probably. Because i imagine that he was furious that despite everything your dad put you before him, so he is resentful and angry. In fact if anything it should make you enjoy the money more, because despite of everything nasty that has been done or said in the past, you won in the end which is exactly what your father intended.

My dad killed himself too. I was just looking at another woman I know, who's dad very recently killed himself. After her dad died, her family, uncles, aunts, cousins (as far as I saw, though you can't really see inside anyones family, unless you're in it) all treated her with kindness and support.

I just feel like I didn't have any of that. instead, Instantly I had to battle with my horrible uncle. Why did I have to have such a shit family. I can't seem to get over it all. But I won't let him destroy me. I am going to try to heal

Thank you, yes I did stand up for myself and I won in the end.

You Uncle is a bitter and spiteful man. Luckily he didn't get anything from his brother and has to live with a truly vile wife who is in charge of him. Looks as though he is already getting what he deserves in life. I hope you are able to get some grief counselling and over time manage to get to a place where you only feel indifference towards him.

Sounds like the uncle is jealous about the money and made it all about him, in his head at least. The manipulative tactic about your late father’s GF was classic manipulation and I’m glad it didn’t work.

Am I right thinking Uncle is in one country; you the sole beneficiary are in a different country? So Uncle was the executor to your Dad's estate in a different country from where Uncle lives?

Executing a will is a tedious business; worse if it's in another country, another jurisdiction, from the testators assets and liabilities.

If that's the case it would explain why it took Uncle a long time and some inconvenience to sort out all your fathers assets and liabilities. If he seemed distant, well he WAS geographically distant and he barely knows you.

You barely know him. so I can't think why you're upset as if you've been let down by a loved and familiar uncle. He did his job, you got your inheritance .

Your fathers GF had no grounds to contest his legally competent Will in favour of you, his only child. You've no idea if it was her pushing for a share . If that was the case, then Uncle just contacted the beneficiary to ask if you would consider a voluntary variation of the bequest; again, part of the Executor's role.
It came to nothing because you didn't agree and she had no legal grounds to make a claim.