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Original poster

Falling out over wills.

74 replies

Mooshamoo · 21/04/2023 15:47

My dad died 2.5 years ago. He left my uncle as sole executor of will and me as sole beneficiary. The only thing is we are not a close family. My dad and mum divorced many many years ago Me and my uncle (dad's brother) were not close, we lved in different countries, had only seen each other about three times in our lives.

My mum raised me and my dad had barely been in my life, despite me asking him to see me. He wouldn't see me. So when he left me all his money, i was happy, I was thinking that's the first nice thing he has ever done for me. It was more than the money to me, it was a sign to me that I mattered, that he did care about me in some shape or form.

Anyway he made my uncle executor and my uncle is not a nice man. It dragged on for 2.5 years before I got the money. I did get the money in the end. But I just feel like the 2.5 year process of dealing with my uncle qbout it all has really emotionally broken me down.

My uncle was not on my side and was not kind to me throughout the process. He treated me with total disdain. I got the feeling from him that he thought I shouldn't get the money at all. He was pretty nasty to me. He asked me to give a large chunk of the money to my father's girlfriend ( who has never once spoken to me). He said the girlfriend was thinking of taking me to court to challenge the will. Which gave me sleepless nights for about three months. Eventually he said that she had decided not to do it. I He was so cold and cruel to me throughout the whole process. My uncle has often treated me like i was not part of his family. When I should have received some kindness after my dad's death, I received nastiness.

It was terrible to have an executor of the will that was not at all on my side, and didn't want me to get the money, when I was the beneficiary.

I just feel so totally and emotionally broken from it all. When I finally received the money I couldn't even enjoy it, because I just felt so broken and hurt and abused from my uncle for years.

This has caused a real deep emotional wound in me. Me and him don't talk anymore. This is really hurting me. I wake up and I think "why couldn't he even be nice to me after my dad died". He had to be cruel and cool and cold to me right after my dad died. The lengthy process has really hurt me.

Any thoughts or advice?

OP posts:
IncompleteSenten · 21/04/2023 17:45

I'm sorry you had to go through that. It sounds horrendous.

If it was me I would focus on 2 things.
1 it's over. It was shit but it's now done and you never have to deal with him, see him or speak to him ever again.

And 2. He and his wife and the rest of that lot will forever be jealous that you got the money. It will eat away at them. You'll live rent free in their heads making them more miserable than they ever made you and whereas you can put them in your past, they'll never be able to forget they didn't get the cash and it'll make their lives that little bit less enjoyable.

IncompleteSenten · 21/04/2023 17:47

Ok, first I'd rent a really flashy car and drive round where they live until I felt reasonably sure they'd seen me and thought I owned it. Just because they'd never let go of that image.

Then I would work on number 1 and forgetting about them forever.

WarmBeerAndSandwiches · 21/04/2023 17:51

Look, you won. Your uncle had to to grit his teeth and do a shit load of administrative work to enable the handover of your father's money to you in the end. Think about how galling that must have been for him and have a little laugh about it. He tried to bully you into giving some of it away and you didn't - well done! I hope it was a big inheritance and you get to spend it on things that make you happy.

I have a toxic, dysfunctional family. It's hard to come to terms with but you can come to terms with it. I just chose a family for myself. I married a good man who came from a good, loving family. I have lovely friends. Surround yourself with people who love you and forget about the losers who, due to their own dysfunction, can't be decent people. You deserve better than them so choose that for yourself. Good luck.

getafringenotbotox · 21/04/2023 17:59

Maybe use some of that money for some counselling to unravel your feelings and put this behind you once and for all.

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 18:11

Mooshamoo · 21/04/2023 15:47

My dad died 2.5 years ago. He left my uncle as sole executor of will and me as sole beneficiary. The only thing is we are not a close family. My dad and mum divorced many many years ago Me and my uncle (dad's brother) were not close, we lved in different countries, had only seen each other about three times in our lives.

My mum raised me and my dad had barely been in my life, despite me asking him to see me. He wouldn't see me. So when he left me all his money, i was happy, I was thinking that's the first nice thing he has ever done for me. It was more than the money to me, it was a sign to me that I mattered, that he did care about me in some shape or form.

Anyway he made my uncle executor and my uncle is not a nice man. It dragged on for 2.5 years before I got the money. I did get the money in the end. But I just feel like the 2.5 year process of dealing with my uncle qbout it all has really emotionally broken me down.

My uncle was not on my side and was not kind to me throughout the process. He treated me with total disdain. I got the feeling from him that he thought I shouldn't get the money at all. He was pretty nasty to me. He asked me to give a large chunk of the money to my father's girlfriend ( who has never once spoken to me). He said the girlfriend was thinking of taking me to court to challenge the will. Which gave me sleepless nights for about three months. Eventually he said that she had decided not to do it. I He was so cold and cruel to me throughout the whole process. My uncle has often treated me like i was not part of his family. When I should have received some kindness after my dad's death, I received nastiness.

It was terrible to have an executor of the will that was not at all on my side, and didn't want me to get the money, when I was the beneficiary.

I just feel so totally and emotionally broken from it all. When I finally received the money I couldn't even enjoy it, because I just felt so broken and hurt and abused from my uncle for years.

This has caused a real deep emotional wound in me. Me and him don't talk anymore. This is really hurting me. I wake up and I think "why couldn't he even be nice to me after my dad died". He had to be cruel and cool and cold to me right after my dad died. The lengthy process has really hurt me.

Any thoughts or advice?

Life is complicated and even though your father had minimal input in your day to day life he cared enough to leave you an inheritance. I can understand that means more to you than the money itself.
Unfortunately money does turn otherwise rational decent people into nasty greedy bullies.
I don't know how long your father had been living with his GF or what the home arrangements were. If she's had to sell her 'home' I can understand her being a bit put out being left high and dry, but ultimately that was your father's choice...one he was so sure about he made a legal will.

As far as your uncle is concerned here's what you do....nothing! He's in a different country and the money is with you now. I imagine your dad had some regrets and realised the importance. I'd suggest if you have (nice) family in other countries, splash out and treat yourself to a long vacation courteously of your dad. Relax and enjoy ....then whilst you're sitting on a beach somewhere, or maybe eating a lovely cream tea, raise a toast of forgiveness to your father and run through some ideas about how best to use the money. There's no rush, you've waited 2.5 years. Have the summer off. When the right idea hits you I think you'll know.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 21/04/2023 18:20

JudgeRudy · 21/04/2023 18:11

Life is complicated and even though your father had minimal input in your day to day life he cared enough to leave you an inheritance. I can understand that means more to you than the money itself.
Unfortunately money does turn otherwise rational decent people into nasty greedy bullies.
I don't know how long your father had been living with his GF or what the home arrangements were. If she's had to sell her 'home' I can understand her being a bit put out being left high and dry, but ultimately that was your father's choice...one he was so sure about he made a legal will.

As far as your uncle is concerned here's what you do....nothing! He's in a different country and the money is with you now. I imagine your dad had some regrets and realised the importance. I'd suggest if you have (nice) family in other countries, splash out and treat yourself to a long vacation courteously of your dad. Relax and enjoy ....then whilst you're sitting on a beach somewhere, or maybe eating a lovely cream tea, raise a toast of forgiveness to your father and run through some ideas about how best to use the money. There's no rush, you've waited 2.5 years. Have the summer off. When the right idea hits you I think you'll know.

Show quote history

Thank you very much. Thats very kind of you.

Yes just to clarify, my dad's girlfriend wasn't put out of any house.

Her and my dad rented a house together.

He owned another house that he rented out to tenants. He left the other house to me.

She stayed in the the house she was renting. Her situation remained the same.

OP posts:
Mix56 · 22/04/2023 08:43

You simply need to cut this uncle out of your life. You didn't need to go to his house at all, you could have got a taxi, collected the bag & left. Did you even need the bag of things?
You had no relationship with your father or your uncle, trying to meet once.
They didn't want to know & it hurts, but it is not your fault.
You hopefully still have your mother who has always loved & supported you.
You father was not happy with his life, & the others wanted his money.
You should probably get some therapy, & have absolutely no further contact with these people

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 22/04/2023 12:36

Mix56 · 22/04/2023 08:43

You simply need to cut this uncle out of your life. You didn't need to go to his house at all, you could have got a taxi, collected the bag & left. Did you even need the bag of things?
You had no relationship with your father or your uncle, trying to meet once.
They didn't want to know & it hurts, but it is not your fault.
You hopefully still have your mother who has always loved & supported you.
You father was not happy with his life, & the others wanted his money.
You should probably get some therapy, & have absolutely no further contact with these people

It was a bag full of lots of documents and things about me as a child, that I did want to get.

The bags were at my dad's girlfriends house. I didn't even know where my dad's girlfriend lived. My uncle knew where she lived and I was in touch with my uncle. They told me there were three binbags of stuff at her house. Documents and stuff about me as a child that I wanted to see. So I just went to pick the bags up.

In hindsight, I think I should have not gone to get the bag. As I just put myself in my uncles way one last time, and I knew he would take the opportunity to abuse me and be cruel to me. And that it would do more emotional damage to me. I don't know why he is as nasty as he is. But he is. He especially hates anyone else getting any good fortune. So he hated me getting the money.

Yes in hindsight I shouldn't have gone to get the bag. It wasn't worth being abused again.At least now I definitely never have to see him again. Ever.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mooshamoo · 22/04/2023 12:42

I do think I have learned from this process.

If someone has a history of abusing a person, they should not be allowed to be executor to that person.

I was severely abused by my uncle for three years, because of the way the legal system is. Really severely abused. He hated that I got the money, yet he had the power over giving me the money.

Why have someone be executor of an estate to a person that they hate, and they will use power abuse and control, to abuse that person during this time? It should not be allowed to happen.

The executor should just be a legal neutral person, like a solicitor, not anyone else.

It also should be way easier to remove an abusive person as executor.

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 22/04/2023 12:45

You got the money now. Let it go. He and the girlfriend can take care of each other. They don’t deserve your time.

NoSquirrels · 22/04/2023 12:46

Think of it this way, OP, if it helps.

You won. He lost.

He tried everything to belittle you, upset you, deny you the money your dad left you and treat you cruelly. But it didn’t work. You got the money, and you endured the pain.

Now you never need to see him or hear about him or any of his side of the family ever again if you choose not to.

And you have an inheritance to spend.

You won. He lost.

Floppyelf · 22/04/2023 12:46

Pretty soon he’s gonna need care of some sort and thank your lucky stars you don’t have to bother

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 22/04/2023 12:46

I learned from the process.

My mother will also be leaving her small bit of money to me after she dies.

I said to my mother

"When you die, - for god sake don't make any of your siblings/friends be the executor.

Make a neutral, qualified person like your solicitor be executor."

Which she is doing

OP posts:
Floppyelf · 22/04/2023 12:47

Mooshamoo · 22/04/2023 12:46

I learned from the process.

My mother will also be leaving her small bit of money to me after she dies.

I said to my mother

"When you die, - for god sake don't make any of your siblings/friends be the executor.

Make a neutral, qualified person like your solicitor be executor."

Which she is doing

Better she gifts what she can afford so she doesn’t fall foul of inheritance laws.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 22/04/2023 12:47

NoSquirrels · 22/04/2023 12:46

Think of it this way, OP, if it helps.

You won. He lost.

He tried everything to belittle you, upset you, deny you the money your dad left you and treat you cruelly. But it didn’t work. You got the money, and you endured the pain.

Now you never need to see him or hear about him or any of his side of the family ever again if you choose not to.

And you have an inheritance to spend.

You won. He lost.

Thank you! Yes I endured it all. And I won. Thanks v much for the kind words.

OP posts:
50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 22/04/2023 12:53

bigbluebus · 21/04/2023 16:33

I can assure you that people don't "enjoy" spending their inheritance. Most would rather have their loved one still living. Most of mine is still sitting in bank accounts 7 years after my parents death. It doesn't seem right to enjoy it.

The law was on your side. The Executor (your uncle) was duty bound to carry out your Father's instructions regardless of what his personal opinion was. You should have treated any contact as purely transactional - as you would if a Solicitor had been Executor.

You've got your money now - move on from it. You had no relationship with these people before and unlikely that you ever will. Put them behind you and spend your money as you see fit.

This is absolute nonsense though. Of course people do enjoy spending their inheritance.

Some people would rather have their relative still living, some wouldn't. But in any case, since no one is immortal, that is not the choice. What would you prefer:

  1. Your grandad dies and you get nothing. You're sad that your grandad died but he was 87 and unwell. You stay in your rented house and can't afford a car.
  2. Your grandad dies and you get half a million quid. You're sad that your grandad died but you can buy a house outright and change your life and can afford a car and the whole rest of your life improves.

Your grandad is dead either way. You're sad either way. But one way you're sad and have a new house and car and a much better life.
Now, imagine Grandad was an absolute git who you never liked anyway.....

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/04/2023 12:56

Give your uncle the two finger salute and enjoy the money, safe in the knowledge that your dad loved you, even if he didn't see you.

moonspiral · 22/04/2023 12:56

I would seek counselling. It sounds traumatic.

Original poster
Mooshamoo · 22/04/2023 12:59

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 22/04/2023 12:56

Give your uncle the two finger salute and enjoy the money, safe in the knowledge that your dad loved you, even if he didn't see you.

Thank you for that.

OP posts:
50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 22/04/2023 13:28

You didn't fall out over the will though. You'd have to be in to fall out.

loislovesstewie · 22/04/2023 13:47

One of my very wise colleagues said that we were trying to deal with very unreasonable customers in a reasonable way. He was right. And you are trying to make sense of people who are not behaving reasonably. Please can you accept that there are no answers, that they are just unpleasant people and move on? Keep telling yourself that you have done nothing wrong, that the fault is not yours. Concentrate on those who are pleasant to you and add to your life. Leave the others in the past where they belong. Sending you a hug. 🤗

SpringLobelia · 22/04/2023 14:15

Quite frankly I'd be tempted to write to him and say something like; 'Thank you for being executor. Now I have the dosh I am going to enjoy it while you choke on your own bile you nasty bastard'.

Or else tell him you had planned to leave him a hefty bequest in your own will but his behaviour changed your mind.

Erase it from your mind. Do what you wish with your money that your dad wanted you to have.

EggInANest · 22/04/2023 14:29

Sorry, haven’t read whole thread because ads keep reloading and making it hard to scroll.

OP, I suspect that your uncles horrible behaviour is salt in the wound left raw when your father abandoned you and declined to see you.

Your uncle sounds truly horrible.

But in the end, you have the money that your father left to you. No one else is your responsibility.

Would you consider counselling to help you with the impact of your father’s abandonment and rejection, and your uncle’s hostility?

daisychain42 · 22/04/2023 15:41

Your inheritance seems to be an apology from your father. he was unable to give you the love and stability that you would hope to receive from a father. Instead he dignified your position as his daughter in the way that he could. He acknowledged you as his next of kin. Whatever it was that fucked up his family probably left your uncle with the need to be acknowledged as his next of kin (the most bereaved, the most loved etc). he is jealous that you claimed this deserved position. You have a power here that your uncle and his wife would have resented. It is the power that they hate, not you (they barely know you). Suicide is hard to deal with, you are left with unfinished business that can't be fixed. Maybe part of your despair directed at your uncle is really despair that your father didn't protect you from the belligerence coming at you. He couldn't protect himself either.
Is there a cultural difference here? are your paternal family jealous of your life? are they from a very traditional society that disapproves of divorce? are they misognistic? This story is bigger than you. Your uncle is fucked up/nasty etc. and that is not your responsibility. You experienced that and witnessed it but the responsibility for it belongs with him. Hand it back to him. You have done well - you handled yourself with dignity and you overcame. Also you have a healthy relationship with your mother and a parent who is on your side, so you got lucky here.
I think you can be both executor and beneficary of a will. I certainly was and if your mum only has a little money she could make you executor. You then just have to go to the probate office and take out probate and collect the money. part of a solicitors job is doing searches for unknown funds. If your mum tells you what she has and where it is, this should be a very simple process and would spare you expensive legal fees and also give you a sense of control next time.

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