Falling out over wills.

[Mooshamoo]

My dad died 2.5 years ago. He left my uncle as sole executor of will and me as sole beneficiary. The only thing is we are not a close family. My dad and mum divorced many many years ago Me and my uncle (dad's brother) were not close, we lved in different countries, had only seen each other about three times in our lives.

My mum raised me and my dad had barely been in my life, despite me asking him to see me. He wouldn't see me. So when he left me all his money, i was happy, I was thinking that's the first nice thing he has ever done for me. It was more than the money to me, it was a sign to me that I mattered, that he did care about me in some shape or form.

Anyway he made my uncle executor and my uncle is not a nice man. It dragged on for 2.5 years before I got the money. I did get the money in the end. But I just feel like the 2.5 year process of dealing with my uncle qbout it all has really emotionally broken me down.

My uncle was not on my side and was not kind to me throughout the process. He treated me with total disdain. I got the feeling from him that he thought I shouldn't get the money at all. He was pretty nasty to me. He asked me to give a large chunk of the money to my father's girlfriend ( who has never once spoken to me). He said the girlfriend was thinking of taking me to court to challenge the will. Which gave me sleepless nights for about three months. Eventually he said that she had decided not to do it. I He was so cold and cruel to me throughout the whole process. My uncle has often treated me like i was not part of his family. When I should have received some kindness after my dad's death, I received nastiness.

It was terrible to have an executor of the will that was not at all on my side, and didn't want me to get the money, when I was the beneficiary.

I just feel so totally and emotionally broken from it all. When I finally received the money I couldn't even enjoy it, because I just felt so broken and hurt and abused from my uncle for years.

This has caused a real deep emotional wound in me. Me and him don't talk anymore. This is really hurting me. I wake up and I think "why couldn't he even be nice to me after my dad died". He had to be cruel and cool and cold to me right after my dad died. The lengthy process has really hurt me.

Any thoughts or advice?

Yes we are UK and Ireland. Yes I understand but he wasn't just "distant" he was cruel.

After my dad died my uncle used to ring me as executor. The first thing he said to me was that I wasnt welcome in his house.

He rang me and shouted at me told me that I had upset people in his house before (by me going to see my dad, it apparently upset my aunt for some reason).

He rang me in his role as executor, Eventually he was so nasty to me on phonecalls, I said to him " can we just email" if theres anything you need to tell me about you can email me. He insisted on phone calls. And he would be nasty to me on every single call. I used to feel terrible anxiety before phone calls

I just think what has hurt me is that when my dad was alive, my dad's side of the family always treated me like I wasn't part of their family.

Lets face it, you weren't. Your exclusion from his blood family was your Dad's doing. " my dad had barely been in my life, despite me asking him to see me. He wouldn't see me".

Why are you directing all the anger at your Uncle, for what your dad did?

You can not control other peoples reactions to you only how you react to them.

You don’t need to have anything to do with those people now. Nothing at all. Block all means of contact and focus on those who do love and care for you.

You were probably in a state of suspended Grief during the battle too. Not able to come to terms with the loss of your dad- the loss of opportunity to repair that fractured relationship- an opportunity which wasn’t ever likely to come anyway. That’s where you need to focus your healing. Not on this bully of a man.

Also you allowed those abusive phone calls not that you deserved then but because you had poor boundaries and probably this desire to fix the situation and to be heard. You were never going to be able to change their weird thinking.

I am so sorry for what you have been through. The behaviour you describe says so much more about your uncle, aunt, etc than it does about you. This is really their problem not yours, unless you choose to make it yours by continuing to give it headspace.

I highly recommend a Youtube channel called "Live Abuse Free" which aims to heal survivors of narcissistic abuse. I have found it hugely helpful and validating. You may also want to consider using some of your inheritance money to talk to a therapist and learn strategies to avoid dwelling on bad experiences

I guess because my uncle is much more recent. And much more hurtful. I haven't had to deal with, see or speak with my father for many years.

However, I have had to speak with my uncle for the last three years. And he has been horrendously nasty to me on every single phonecall.

You got the money in the end, which was what your father wished.

I would now enjoy the money, put the process behind you and say farewell to your uncle. It's over, move on.

Thank you very much :)

Thank you for that @LauderSyme

I think sometimes you have to try to understand where the other side is coming from.

Your uncle sounds unpleasant, but it sounds like he was closer to your father than you, as also was his girlfriend. It sounds like your father tried to make amends to you, but in doing so alienated the very people he spent his time with.

I don't know for example how long his girlfriend was living with him, but it is quite a wrench if she believed she was going to benefit and have some future security, only to find that all the money was left to someone your father barely had contact with. Similarly for your uncle.

The way they have treated you is wrong, but understanding why they behave like that maybe helps. In an ideal world your uncle and girlfriend would maybe understand why your father left the money to you and it was in some way him trying to compensate you for not being in your life. But the world isn't always ideal, and people can struggle to behave well when matters of money are concerned and they are struggling for security themselves.

I think one things for sure, your father didn't leave you that money to make you miserable. He left it so that you could enjoy it, and have some compensation for the things in life he couldn't or didn't provide earlier.

I think you need to accept that just because you are family doesn't mean people are forced to embrace you and take you in. If they want to behave badly the best thing to do is ignore them. I would be the bigger person and say that you are happy to talk when they are ready to behave well, but I would not engage with them unless they are willing to treat you well in the future, it's not worth it for the effect it might have on your health. In the future maybe when the situation is not so raw they might come to terms better with what happened and start to think differently. If not, losing a family that isn't willing to be pleasant or accepting to you is no great loss and you can find better people to be in your life.

I second the idea of therapy. I don't want to go cod psychologist on this but I think that the emotions around losing a parent with whom you had a complex or distant relationship are extremely hard to handle and I suspect your dad passing away opened a lot of boxes that you'd had packed away, and I suspect you've linked all that to the experience of the probate. I think it would be useful to unpick this with someone professionally.

Too late now of course, but for anyone else in a similar position, where there is clearly friction you should appoint a solicitor to act as the contact point and make sure everything is done correctly and in a timely manner.

You would have spent a few thousand of the inheritance, but been saved a lot of agro, no calls and a quicker process.

It's a strange system, executor , beneficiary.

What is strange is your expectations of the Executor role... and of your Uncle.

How can they make someone an executor who actively hates and is extremely cruel to the beneficiary. How is that in anyone's best interests.

 People   choose an Executor  they trust to get the job done.   Your Dad  trusted his brother.   Dad knew his brother  and daughter  had absolutely minimal contact  in  his lifetime   so it probably never occurred to him  to expect any kind of  friendly  relationship to develop  during the  processing of a  very  straightforward WILL entirely benefitting you.

Yes I agree it is good to understand where the other side is coming from.

But my father was with my mother for twenty years. And was married to her. They divorced when I was 5. He was with his last girlfriend for maybe 5 years.

Yet my uncle is lovely to his girlfriend and is horrible to me. I can't understand that. Yes okay he could advocate for maybe some money to go dad's girlfriend, but he didn't have to be viciously cruel to me in the process.

And he really was viciously nasty to me. I guess because he lived near my dad and dad's girlriend that he cared more about dad's girlfriend than me.

I always got the feeling when my dad was alive, from my uncle and aunt that they didn't like having me around because it might upset the social situation between uncle and aunt and dad and his girlfriend who lived near each other and socialised. They didn't want me to be around as it would upset dad's new girlfriend. I was inconvenient

@GasPanic "sometimes you have to try to understand where the other side is coming from".

Sometimes, yes, but absolutely not this person in this situation. There is no need to understand why someone verbally and emotionally abuses you, except to realise that they have a disordered personality and are incapable of empathy. The healthiest response of any victim is to cut contact.

It does sound like the relationships you have with your fathers side of the family are difficult and complex.

I second the posts earlier that maybe finding some therapy and someone to talk through these issues with would be a really good idea, because it is a lot of weight to carry around on your shoulders.

The internet can be helpful sometimes, but not everyone is always be helpful in the advice they give, whereas a specialised therapist should always have your interests at heart - maybe you could try a session and see where it takes you.

Yes but should the executor be allowed to remain in place if they are extremely abusing the beneficiary?

It was like me being stuck in an abusive relationship for three years. My uncle is a horrendous man.

I tried to get him removed as executor. But he had probate granted before I knew about it, and they said after probate was granted I would have to go to court to get him removed as executor. and I knew him , I knew he wouldn't go down without a fight. I didn't know if trying to remove him at that stage would make everything worse.

It was a terrible situation. I don't think someone should be allowed to be executor when they hate the beneficiary.

Op it sounds like your father and his family has treated you appallingly, both as a child and recently.

If I were you I’d try to focus on the positive that comes from no longer having to have anything to do with them. Block them on text/email/social media….everywhere. You never have to deal with them again.

Have you considered therapy to think through some of your feelings about your dad and his family. Might’ve helpful.

It’s not surprising it has taken a toll on you. Has the Will stuff only just wrapped up? Just wondering how long it has been since you have had to hear from your uncle? I’m guessing time will help.

My uncle is just a cruel vile nasty man. He is really horrendous Not just to me, now that I think if it. I know that he was moved from one job for bullying people. Like if I wrote down everything my uncle did to me you nearly wouldn't believe he.

I want to tell you what happened, the very last time I saw my uncle, to show you how cruel he is.

After the will was all sorted and over. I had to go to my uncles house one last time to pick up some of my fathers belongings. My uncle drove me to my father's girlfriends house to pick up a dad of my dead father's belongings. Here I saw my father's ashes for the first time.

I went back to my uncles house for one hour before I left. While I was in my uncles house he sneered and laughed at me. He told me I was ugly. He has a big dog. He told the dog to bite me and attack me. He kept saying to the dog "go and bite mooshamoo". "Bite her".
Over and over. While laughing
He is horrendous.

That should say *to pick up a bag

Yes I hope time will heal. It has definitely been my misfortune to have a terrible family.

I’m very sorry for you having to deal with this, how come it took so long for you to get the money. Have you seen a complete breakdown of costs your Uncle incurred just to see if you have been paid out correctly. As Executor he should provide a detailed breakdown of costs. I’d be tempted to send a big bouquet of flowers, thanking him for all his work looking after your fathers estate and that your father would be so pleased with the way he handled the distribution of funds, that should annoy him. Like many have said, even the nicest of family change quickly after someone has died leaving money. Look after yourself in the knowledge your father left you something and was thinking of you.

In the nicest possible way, my advice would be to treat yourself with the money then try and move on from your dad and his clearly toxic family

@Mooshamoo

Why did I have to have such a shit family. I can't seem to get over it all. But I won't let him destroy me. I am going to try to heal

Use your inheritance to get some good professional 1:1 therapy. If he's done nothing else for you, your father has provided you with the means to become completely independent of your awful relatives and also the financial means to help you heal mentally.

Go totally no contact with them. Let them stew in their own juices - that's all they deserve. 🌹

@Mooshamoo I hope that being able to give vent to your feelings is helping a bit. These feelings have been growing and building up over 2 and a half years, they are not going to disappear in a puff of smoke.

If someone had a car crash and was physically injured it could easily take over e year to get back to full strength, and there may be some things that never fully heal. This is the same thing.

I always find it useful to think of a target state of mind,that is good for you, and focus on how to achieve that. IMO you need to get to a point where these people are irrelevant to you, where you can go for days without giving them a moments thought.