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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think sleeping in separate rooms will finish the relationship

57 replies

onarollercoaster · 21/04/2023 11:09

So a week or so ago, my partner and I had a fairly big argument and I went and slept in the spare room. (I have done this a handful of times in our three years together).

I had the best nights sleep ever and for the first time in a long time slept right through the night. It was lush.

I’ve slept in their ever since and had slept through the night EVERY.SINGLE.NIGHT. It’s been amazing.

We had a night together a day or so together and I barely slept a wink and was up and down to the bathroom, (you know the drill, once your awake you think you need a wee).

I’ve realised that he is waking me up all through the night. He snores really loudly, moves around, wakes up with cramp and it’s unbearable.

I don’t really know what to do about this, I love him, but love being able to sleep through the night. We already have a king size bed. I think his snoring has got so much worse and when I’m drifting off to sleep in the next room, I can hear him snoring through the walls. He categorically won’t see a doctor about it.

I think it will negatively affect our relationship if I stay in the spare room ongoing?

OP posts:

Katiejadexxxx · 21/04/2023 11:11

My partner snores to loud

Phoebo · 21/04/2023 11:12

It might actually be better for your relationship as long as you retain intimacy in other areas (eg cuddling on the couch etc)

Phoebo · 21/04/2023 11:12

It might actually be better for your relationship as long as you retain intimacy in other areas (eg cuddling on the couch etc)

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 21/04/2023 11:15

Actually our relationship improved. We were arguing all the time because we were keeping each other awake snoring and then having a go at one another. When we moved into this house DH decided to get a bed in the spare room and sleep there. I was a bit devastated at first but then realised it was for the best and we've since got married. We still have sex. Actually more than before.

nokidshere · 21/04/2023 11:19

We've been married for almost 40yrs, have slept apart for over 20.

We long ago realised that having a decent nights sleep meant sleeping in separate rooms, and having a decent nights sleep made us much more agreeable during waking hours. It hasn't had a detrimental effect on our marriage at all, in fact I'd say it improved it. A good nights sleep is worth so much.

Lcb123 · 21/04/2023 11:22

I don't think it's necessarily negative, in fact could be better if you're both well rested.

Thepeopleversuswork · 21/04/2023 11:22

I don't think it automatically spells the end of the relationship at all. Loads of people sleep separately.

I personally like the closeness of sharing a bed when I'm with someone but I don't think that's universal at all. It's definitely much easier to sleep on your own.

philautia · 21/04/2023 11:23

No way! Some couples just shouldn't sleep together. If you're not sleeping properly, you'll be more argumentative.

We've went through a few months where we had to sleep apart for his sanity (horrendous snoring in late pregnancy every time!).

Spend the evening together on the sofa, get into bed together in the mornings. You will probably find that communication and intimacy improve (you didn't mention that those were an issue but improvements are never a bad thing!).

We do prefer sleeping together but it hasn't damaged our relationship by not doing so.

Dinofantastic · 21/04/2023 11:26

DH snores, and I'm a light sleeper. We haven't slept in the same room for over 20 years, and have been happily married for over 30. Lack of sleep is torture, literally. We love our own space and have visiting rights to each other's rooms .... bliss!

Gardeningdogs · 21/04/2023 11:36

15 years married, sleeping separately at least five and as much in love as we ever were. Our relationship was suffering because of his snoring and his unwillingness to see a doctor about it, every night was miserable for me, I tried going to bed before him, after him, ear plugs, ear phones etc but nothing worked. For a long time I'd lie there completely tensed up waiting for the snoring to start and then I'd go to the spare room until I realised I was still missing a huge amount of sleep simply because he liked us sleeping together, I started to feel like a mother staying with a child til they fell asleep!! Moved fully to spare room, told him I was staying there until he got help, he still didn't until it really started effecting his health. Now he's got a cpap machine (it's silent and fabulous), his health has improved, his snoring has stopped but I'm still in the spare room because he doesn't like wearing the cpap when I'm there because he can't cuddle in to me to sleep so guess what happens if I'm in bed with him, he starts fucking snoring again!!! Our sex life has actually improved, we just visit each others bed, on weekends when I can rest I'll stay with him for a full night but being able to sleep, not being exhausted and not being incredibly annoyed at his lack of motivation to get it sorted has done wonders for us. Go for it, sleep is precious

amusedbush · 21/04/2023 11:37

DH and I have had our own bedrooms for the past two years and it's brilliant for us. I'm a shit sleeper and DH snores, talks, steals the duvet, and flails his limbs around like a windmill. We tried getting a bigger bed. We tried sleeping in the same bed with separate duvets.

Our relationship is better now that we sleep apart. I used to walk up in a foul mood because he had kept me up all night and, in turn, I'd woken him up telling him to roll over/give me some duvet/move over a bit. Resentment was starting to set in but that's gone.

amusedbush · 21/04/2023 11:38

I used to WAKE up*

AIGenerated · 21/04/2023 11:38

I mean, sleeping apart is a place lots of couples come to in time - and it's a good place as long as both partners are still happy, cuddling and having sex and/or physically close in other ways.

I can see why you are concerned at 3 years in. I don't think it's a relationship killer, not at all. But it does need open discussion and a plan to keep the love alive. Which a good night's sleep will only help! It's waaaay easier to love someone when you're well-rested.

shivawn · 21/04/2023 11:39

I think it will negatively affect our relationship if I stay in the spare room ongoing?

No. The problem is that you don't like sleeping next to him. Forcing yourself to sleep together won't fix that.

SlashBeef · 21/04/2023 11:40

Improved our relationship. We've had 2 kids since we stopped sharing a bed so it hasn't had an impact in that area..
My DH doesn't snore but he moans and groans and flails about and it enrages. Far better we sleep separately than I actually kill him in the night.

S72 · 21/04/2023 11:40

I can't sleep well sharing a bed so separate rooms works for me.

I have friends who are married with separate homes. In lockdown, they stayed in one home but maintained separate rooms. They've been married over 15 years.

If you and your partner are happy with it, then there is no problem

cocksstrideintheevening · 21/04/2023 11:42

We are in seperate bedrooms and it is bliss. Would never go back. We just spent all night disturbing each other.

UpperLowerMiddleClass · 21/04/2023 11:53

Echoing others - we’ve done this since as soon as we could afford to buy a house with a spare bedroom! It works well for us, and our relationship is as strong as ever.

I actually think it’s a lot more common than you’d think. It’s just one of those things that seems quite personal and possibly taboo and so is rarely discussed.

Tandora · 21/04/2023 11:55

There’s really no reason to be sharing a bed

DeeplyMovingExperience · 21/04/2023 12:08

DH and I have separate bedrooms and we love it! Shared a room for 15 years until I just couldn't stand the snoring any longer. Initially he said it was wrong for us not to share, but within 2 weeks was totally converted. We sleep really well, and if anything it added an element of romance to our marriage.

Liamgallaghersparka · 21/04/2023 12:16

I snore terribly and since going in the spare room, like you, I have a great night's sleep, my snoring was causing arguments before.

FuckoffeeBeforeCoffee · 21/04/2023 12:26

I absolutely hate sharing a bed and would prefer it if we slept separately.

Whataretheodds · 21/04/2023 12:33

Agree with others. It can be a huge positive in terms of sleep quality (avoiding resentment) and giving you each some personal space so that it feel exciting to get together.

However, if his snoring is that bas and he refuses to see a dcotor that would be an issue for me. He's ignoring something that can be a serious health problem.

Also, what will this mean for holidays if you can't function in separate rooms? Visiting family? Impact on other use of spare rooms eg for WFH?

greyhairnomore · 21/04/2023 12:41

Absolutely not , we sleep separately its brilliant.

FurElise · 21/04/2023 12:48

DH and I have slept in separate rooms for the majority of our marriage (12 years this year). I'm the snorer 🙈. He's a bad sleeper and I apparently annoy him by being a good sleeper 🤔 We also have a really different bedtime routine (I read, he doesn't, I'm early to bed, he's late etc).

Separate rooms works for us but as others have said, you need to make sure it doesn't mean no intimacy. That did happen for us for a while after our first baby was born and we came quite close to splitting up. Schedule time for your relationship in a way that works for you. Sleep is sooo important though!

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