AIBU to get annoyed when medical professionals ask (with that patronising look) is this your first baby

[lardylumps]

Wtf, do they really think that I would worry less if it was my second. Sometimes I want to say "no, actually she is my fourth" just to see the smirk fall from their faces. Yes I now know more about babies but for gods sake if a baby is ill then it is ill.

Other mums do it too and it pisses me off, my sisters comments about my dd diet ?well she is your first, wait until your on your third then you will feel different?. No I wont, I still wont be feeding them crap.

I thought this was one of those threads about being and over-35 mother, because I got a certain amount of 'is this your first?' when PG at the age of 39.
But with regard to what the thread is acutally about, I'm moderately laid back about illness etc because my granddad was a pharmacist and I grew up with rough and ready medical awareness - but on the occasions I have taken DS to the doctor or phoned NHS direct in a flap I have always been lucky enough to get the 'we'd rather you came in if you are worried' not 'stop bothering us you overanxious twat'.

I am with you Twiglett-you have much more experience and can be more relaxed. I had no experience of babies and the responsibility of such a tiny being, reliant on me, was overwhelming! I never objected to advice (you don't have to take it). I was very precious with my first, for example if he was sleeping I would phone people up and delay meetings! With my 3rd he had to do schoolruns etc regardless of his routine! With my 1st I was sterilizing his dish and spoon when the HV pointed out it was a bit pointless as he was crawling all over the place and putting goodness knows what in his mouth! I think my second two had a much easier time because I was far more laid back-you have practised on your 1st!

Thanks for all your comments I am feeling a lot happier now that dd will be fine. Story behind this thread is that DD had bad reflux (struggled to put on weight and dropped 3 centiles) and had no soft spot so was under a paediatrician until two weeks ago when he signed us off into hv care, advising us to go to clinic every 2 weeks (dd is 10 months old) to get her weighed and to have her head measured.

HV just said only need to see you every 4 to 6 weeks at this age so no need to come back until then. When I pointed out paediatrician advice she said "this is your first baby isn't it".

OOH, Lardylumps, that puts a different slant on things. Might be worth asking HV (pointedly) next time you are in, has she had received a copy of the paediatrician's notes yet! Or if she says anything else, next time just say that you find her manner really patronising.

I have personally always had the raving mad HVs (I'm sure there are lots of lovely ones out there though).

Lardylumps, ds had really bad reflux as well, I opted to buy scales and weigh and measure him myself, but I was lucky that the paed gastoenterologist was happy to take phone calls to discuss any concerns this might throw up...

It's the actual patronage that gets me down, whichever baby it is. I do know what 'thriving' means, thank you very much indeed.

I think my parents flap over my dd's health more than they did me . I've rushed to dd to children's a & e with beads up her nose, a gnat bite on her ear etc but I had my hands de-splintered and bound up by my Dad when I was 4 (no children's A & E then). Literally bound up as it transpired since he used to tie bandages too tight and my fingers went blue so they had to be re done!! Even when I broke a bone in my foot, we went to the doctors, the next day.

I think when it comes to serious illness though, a parents intitution is usually spot-on even when their children are adults.

YANBU to be pissed off with the patronising look and tone of voice, that pissed me off royally when I was a first timer, but you are BU a little to think that you will be as certian about foods etc once you are on your third IMO.

I was absolutely horrified at the thought of certain foods passing the lips of my precious first child, and really truly thought that I would be exactly the same with 2nd/3rd/4th etc........

I am so NOT..........what with allergies, failing to thrive (with DD3 who was 8lb born and still only 15lb 11oz on her 1st b/day), and then severe reflux with DD3 and DS2, I was happy for ANY food to go down and stay down, regardless of origin!!!

honestly, when you have several you will look back and wonder how the hell you panicked so much first time round......experience counts for a LOT.

but, if they come over all patronising again, stamp on their feet and yell, "MAYBE SHE IS MY FIRST, BUT AT LEAST GIVE ME CREDIT FOR CARING ENOUGH TO ASK YOU EVEN IF YOU ARE A PATRONISING BITCH!"........

Lardy-lumps, I was told that my dd was losing too much weight and was dropping down the centiles as she had a bit of reflux. I was told to "feed her more milk" as though I was starving her intentionally. I remember asking if I should get a syringe and pump milk directly down her throat if she wouldn't drink it or brought back a feed . Then the baby-clinic was burnt down by some yobs so I didn't have to go back for a while and by the time they'd rebuilt it, I didn't bother going back.

I am going to weigh her at home and buy a tape measure to do her head. Bookwormmum it is so hard isn't it, dd is over the reflux now but still cant have anything runny or it comes back up.

Psychomum5 the food thing was my sister trying to shove junk (and by junk i mean sugar laiden snacks) down my lo throat as she thinks she is still to skinny...

ignore the sister......sugar laden junk on a reflux child is not the way to get them to put on weight........just nakes the sick more acidic!!!!(well, that's what I told my SIL when she tried the same exact thing, and she believed me too.....)

your sis is being unreasonable herself in trying to feed your LO food that you don't want her to have, but that sounds like a sis fight to me......

as for the rest, maybe you will change, maybe you won;t, but don't assume anything until you get there as you just never know, and will feel mighty foolish when others point out things that you have backtracked on so fully...(and there I speak from experience!!!)

Well, I only have one, but was congratulated by another MNer for not treating him as a PFB at all. Which I'm not sure is a compliment, tbh.

Thing is, I was very motherly as a child myself, did a lot of hands-on care for other children and helped to bring up my baby sister when I was a teenager. So I do have some wider experience and resent being patronised.

Psychomum5 thanks for that line I am going to use it next time

This happened to me twice - with my second child!!

My GP told us to take ds to hospital and the Dr who saw us asked me this straightaway. I looked at her bump and asked her the same question.

No you are not being unreasonable, I this happen to me just yesterday... childminder rings me to say dd has bad tummy, sick once, foul loose nappies, not eating but drinking loads. I race round, looks poorly but not floopy, no rash etc, childminder happy to have her for a few more hours until I finish work. I go the Boots to get some rehydration stuff, they flipp (dd just turned 1) say take her to GP. I race back to get dd turn up at surgery, GP though fully booked out says he will see me straightaway, tells me to take her NOW to childrens hospital 25 miles away. My trusty Golf GTI gets there in what feels like minutes as by now she can't even keep down water.

Triage nurse at childrens a and e asks me why didn't I just give her dioralyte and send her to bed why did I feel I wanted to bring her in, is she my first??? Thought must just skult away into the night...then see a doc who wants her senior to have a look. By now dd has perked up a treat after meds and tons more water and starts charming all around her and me feeling like a fraud...We then have long talks about whether to keep her in and I am still not sure if I should have brought her in in the fist place and when I ask am I a neurotic first time mother the paeds cons looks at me as if I have 2 heads and says no if you had just put her to bed with calpol it could have been a very different story...

She is much better today, still not eaten and slept loads (hence being on MN) but can see a big improvement and no more vomit or vile nappies so do you know what, even if that triage nurse did think I should not have panicked I am glad I took her in and I still had a happy ending.

I think I was a mixture of PFB mum and a reasonably experienced pair of hands dealing with my niece . My sister left her daughter with my parents loads of times when her FIL sadly died so I even got roped into taking time off work to care for her whilst dsis ran around doing things. I was exhausted at the end of it all . I was accused of being "precious" by a friend when I refused to support my dd's pushchair going down an escalator and insisted on carrying her whilst someone else brought down the folded buggy. I've seen so many people overbalance trying that trick of supporting a buggy - esp going up . Mind I was lucky I had another pair of hands with me.

I agree you do get taken more seriously with your second, but I don't think that it is necessarily a good thing, with DD1 we got sent to the GP no less than 7 times by the HV who had observed her and thought there was something wrong, each time the GP and this was 3 of them, made me feel like a mad neurotic first time mum and didn't bother to do anything, by the time we finally got taken seriously and were referred to a Paed I had such bad PND I was considering suicide, I had no faith in my own instincts left.

She finally was diagnosed with severe reflux at 6 months but her pain threshold is now horrendously high and I have to be careful as she doesnt often realise she has hurt herself.

I am still angry and bitter at the treatment we received from the GP's, just because I was a first time mum, especially as it was from a HV referral.

The difference when we had DD2 and she also had severe reflux was astounding.

Neverenough - actually the GP was an incompetent fool, as the 17month old son of his Practice Nurse had been in Lewisham Hospital with men. meningitis for a 8week8 before my son developed symptoms. It wouldn't have mattered whether or not he had seen a case before though, because he decided NOT to pay a house call because he said it would be 'a teething fever'. He was remmoved from practice following an investigation initiated by the hospital who were horrified at his conduct. So don't tell me I can't label him incompetent.

it would piss me off, actually, i am not a panicker, i do expect to be taken seriously if i take my child to the doc. (but i think i've only taken her once in two years, though... [uncaring]) even if i was a panicker, you can't just magic up experience you don't have, we all learn, it doesn't means our concerns are invalidated.

It's not unreasonable to get annoyed, but beleive me you do get less...erm...uptight? with further children, you know what's going on because you've been there before, so it isn't as worrying, you know that the projectile vomiting or cut lip that is bleeding terribly or heat rash are just that, whereas with your first you just hit the ground running and think OH SHIT.

It's not a slur on anyone's parenting, it's just natural, as with everything in life the more you experience something the less scary it is.

I would swallow down the irritation, but don't change what you do.

Would you rather have a HV or Doctor say 'is it your first' or 'we're sorry, Mrs Lardylumps, but if you'd brought him/her in earlier he/she wouldn't be in this state....'.

I got left to my own devices much more with number 2 and 3. I had to seek help with number 3 as no midwife and no h/v came and I was having trouble feeding. 1 and 2 fed beautifully but the 3rd was a totally different story. My H/V said that she didn't expect me to have problems after feeding my other 2 for 18 months each. They are all different though.

Having said that I found the daily visits with number 1 far too much. I just wanted to be out and about and not stay in for hours waiting for a midwife.

They can't win.

I imagine that I will be more neurotic once I have had two as I will have double the amount of worry! About a year ago ds had rotovirus (sp?) and I called NHS direct because I was really worried about him and they ended up calling an ambulance for him which thankfully wasn't needed. My mil thought that I had gone totally over the top and put it down to me having pfb syndrome but my GP said that ds was a whisker away from being admitted and it was down to my instincts that meant he was treated in time to prevent serious dehydration.

I think with time you become more relaxed about diet and routine and less neurotic, I don't think it is anything to do with the number of children you have.

Controversial. I do think that first time mothers worry much more about everything. No reason to patronise them or treat them like their worries aren't legitimate.

For me, it started in hospital when I had my second.

They left me in a room on my own from 7pm until 7am with broken heating. It was absolutely freezing but they said someone would check on me through the night but they didn't (I know this because I stayed awake feeding DS and trying to sleep)

I had to cuddle up in bed in my dressing gown and slippers 'cause I was so cold, had an episiotomy so couldn't walk too well and someone turned up the next morning at 7 saying had I been all right!

For my first DD though, it was completely the opposite and a midwife even sat with me for an hour to hekp with latching on etc.