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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I’m going to give it a miss

84 replies

reebokbok · 20/04/2023 17:47

I feel abit affronted with that response to me asking a group of friends if they wanted to meet up for dinner next week.

Am I being too sensitive.

OP posts:
5128gap · 22/04/2023 08:29

Precipice · 20/04/2023 22:23

But do you need to be reassured each time someone rejects a meet-up proposition that that person otherwise would be interested in seeing you and values time with you? Every time?

Its not about needing proactive reassurance is it? There are certain social conventions towards friends in polite society. One of which is when declining an invitation you thank the issuer and give some sort of reason. Its what people expect from others because its typical behaviour.
When a person chooses to dispense with shared understanding of courtesy, it makes us question why that might be. Are they being deliberately rude to give us a message for example?
Human communication is complicated and multi layered. Most people read not only the text but the subtext. Most people mitigate against sending negative subtexts to their friends.

Jux · 22/04/2023 09:22

Do you all neet up regularly? How often?

I'll admit that if I were meeting with a group of friends every week I might give this response if for some reason I couldn't go, or didn't want to. If it were for a reason which I'd rather keep private for now, I'd say it. Missing one weekly meeting is no big deal.

So it depends how often you see each other, and whether she sees some of the people quite often and is less interested in the few she doesn't see who will be there.

redskylight · 22/04/2023 09:58

Restforabit · 22/04/2023 08:27

I think some explanation is generally required, even if it is vague. I think it is a bit impolite too.

So if they'd said "I'll give it a miss; busy at the moment" you'd consider this fine? I think some people on this thread need to consider why they have certain expectations of social niceties.

I work and socialise predominantly in male environments and with quite a few neurodiverse people. Saying "I'll give it a miss" to a vague suggestion of meeting up (if it was something like a formal wedding invitation, it's different) is the way the majority would communicate in this situation. Putting in a vague reason (even if there is no reason beyond I don't fancy it at the moment) is something that tends to be a more female behaviour. Why? If the point of the message is to ascertain who is free for a meeting next week, and it's people you are friends with and presumably like, why is saying "no" or "I'll give it a miss" worse than "Can't make it next week - work is frantic" or "I'll give it a miss; busy with the children"?

Thepeopleversuswork · 22/04/2023 10:12

It does depend to a large extent on how well you know the person and how often you see them. If a really good friend who I saw regularly said this to me I wouldn’t be overly troubled by it because I know the underlying commitment to the friendship is there and is unchanged by someone not being able to or not wanting to attend this particular meeting.

If it were a newer, less defined friendship or one with an old friend who you rarely see it would feel much more affronted.

For example I have an old friend who lives in rural Scotland (I live in London), who I see at most once a year. If she was coming down to London and we planned to meet and she said “I think I will give this a miss,” I would be pretty fucked off. With friends who you see less regularly there’s definitely more commitment needed to keep the friendship alive and the suggestion of lack of care would upset me.

crossstitchingnana · 22/04/2023 11:35

I usually say "thanks for the invite but it's not for me this time" or words to that effect.

Tandora · 22/04/2023 13:46

redskylight · 22/04/2023 09:58

So if they'd said "I'll give it a miss; busy at the moment" you'd consider this fine? I think some people on this thread need to consider why they have certain expectations of social niceties.

I work and socialise predominantly in male environments and with quite a few neurodiverse people. Saying "I'll give it a miss" to a vague suggestion of meeting up (if it was something like a formal wedding invitation, it's different) is the way the majority would communicate in this situation. Putting in a vague reason (even if there is no reason beyond I don't fancy it at the moment) is something that tends to be a more female behaviour. Why? If the point of the message is to ascertain who is free for a meeting next week, and it's people you are friends with and presumably like, why is saying "no" or "I'll give it a miss" worse than "Can't make it next week - work is frantic" or "I'll give it a miss; busy with the children"?

Show quote history

fine? I think some people on this thread need to consider why they have certain expectations of social niceties

Why?

I work and socialise predominantly in male environments

Oh cos we’re silly, shallow women, for caring about how we communicate with people in order to ensure they feel respected and valued?

redskylight · 22/04/2023 16:15

Oh cos we’re silly, shallow women, for caring about how we communicate with people in order to ensure they feel respected and valued?

I actually find that people who reply to these sort of messages with "oh what am amazing idea, I would so love to make it and catchup with you but unfortunately I have something else on, but we must catch up soon, really miss seeing you xxxxx" tend not to be the ones to drop everything and come and support you when you actually have an emergency.

Of course communication is important. But this is a group of friends and they shouldn't need to try hard in brief messages to show how much they care.

In fact either this is normal for this friend, in which case OP is surely used to it OR it's not normal, in which case it's slightly ironic that OP's first response is to go to MN and ask whether her friend is being rude rather than wondering why her friend is acting out of character and getting in touch to see if anything is wrong.

I'd rather a friend that showed they cared in actions than flowery emails.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 16:59

YANBU, they lack tact.

Next time they invite you and you don’t fancy it, say the exact same thing to them.

mainsfed · 22/04/2023 17:02

redskylight · 22/04/2023 16:15

Oh cos we’re silly, shallow women, for caring about how we communicate with people in order to ensure they feel respected and valued?

I actually find that people who reply to these sort of messages with "oh what am amazing idea, I would so love to make it and catchup with you but unfortunately I have something else on, but we must catch up soon, really miss seeing you xxxxx" tend not to be the ones to drop everything and come and support you when you actually have an emergency.

Of course communication is important. But this is a group of friends and they shouldn't need to try hard in brief messages to show how much they care.

In fact either this is normal for this friend, in which case OP is surely used to it OR it's not normal, in which case it's slightly ironic that OP's first response is to go to MN and ask whether her friend is being rude rather than wondering why her friend is acting out of character and getting in touch to see if anything is wrong.

I'd rather a friend that showed they cared in actions than flowery emails.

It doesn’t have to be flowery though. A simple ‘I won’t be able to make it, thanks’ would have done.

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