Plans changed again. Fed up

[Urgsleepmoresleep]

Been dating DP for a year. We do live a good 45 minutes away from each other, demanding jobs and only see each 2 times a week. He is an amazing guy when I see him. This is the issue. His job means he often has meetings late into the night due to international projects working with other time zones and they can be scheduled with little notice depending on issues. Culture of his work means he has little chance to say no to not attending at short notice, meaning our plans change or get cancelled. It gets annoying.

We are moving in together in a few weeks. I am moving to his- he owns his house. I have sold my own house, was planning to buy another and be in a chain but buyer wants a very quick sale and has offered a great price, so he suggested I move to his temporarily instead of renting. This progressed last week to try living together as a trial and if all goes well buy together. If it’s a disaster we separate and I have security of my own deposit etc and can rent.

We haven’t seen each other much past few weeks. He has been away with family for a week. I was supposed to see him on the day he returned, but he was too tired due to a very early flight - granted he flew at 4am and got in at 12pm with work next day. I saw him last night properly after 10 days apart, but he was tired so not much interaction.

He was supposed to be staying again tonight and we had planned to go out to eat. We are not going to see each other over the weekend much as I have a friend visiting for a long weekend. He will met us for lunch one day, but obviously my friend is here to see me and I haven’t seen her for months. but this was pre planned so we planned to see each other more during the week.

he calls me an hour ago to say he can’t come round tonight. The project team forgot to add into his diary a meeting with the international team that finishes at 8pm - he works were he lives. He told me he was annoyed with given 3 hrs notice. He was supposed to be at a meeting last night, but they forgot to tell him. Said his boss went mental at him not attending, but he didn’t know, hence why he has to attend tonight.

I told him he should have said no as it’s unacceptable that his work expects him to work 5 hrs extra that short notice and he had plans, especially as we haven’t seen each other much in last 2 weeks. He said it was critical he attended. But his work messed up.

He understood my frustration but said he won’t do this when we live together as it’s not fair on me being stuck alone. I pointed out it probably will be better as we can at least see each other more. He said don’t get angry over something I can’t control. My response was this is always happening and he is not prioritising us - it happens a lot. I understood a days notice, but it’s getting ridiculous with a few hours notice to work that late. Told him this project is threatening our relationship as he is prioritising work over us. His response was his boss is pressuring him to attend. His work is demanding.

my annoyance is his work seems to trump our time. He can’t say no and his work as this culture of making his life awkward if he says no. He says he is speaking to his boss to tell him it’s unacceptable. We have an event planned next week and I have told him he can’t cancel for work. He assured me he had told work (after I reminded him of the event). I just fear he will forget and go to work if they demand.

I am now annoyed that my DP will never say no to work. AIBU to be fed up with this and tell him to sort out his priorities.

Without knowing exactly what kind of work or position he is in, it's difficult to say. Maybe he isn't yet ready for you to come before what could be quite serious ramifications of refusing work. I mean, it doesn't bode well for future plans like kids..lots of women on here holding the fort and sacrificing their own career for their partner's 'big job". A full and frank conversation needed I think.

Oh OP, sorry to hear this. I think one of two things ...

1. He's used to being a bachelor and hasn't learnt how to start taking others needs into consideration. You need, IMO to explain you want him to prioritise you. That you'd like to book a weekend away and if it gets cancelled, relationship over. Hopefully he'll come up trumps and will begin to appreciate you more as time goes on and he adjusts to having to consider someone else, not just himself.

1. He's got another partner(s) and is stringing you along

But you knew how his job was when you decided to be in a relationship and now move in with him.

You are crazy to get off the property ladder.

Because that was the point of the post 🙄🙄🙄

You sold your home for him?
Get your own new place asap.

If he overworks now he won't change.

My 1st thought is he's married. He doesn't sound trustworthy op. Take your money and buy you own place. Closer to him maybe?

Going to disagree here, that he ibu. That's his job, and you know that about him.

In our house I'm the one with the "big job" that has demanding hours and often short notice meetings which I need to attend. It's not life or death, but it is tens or hundreds of thousands of pounds/ dollars/ euros at stake, and my non attendance when it's an international deal would impact that. The trade off is a large salary and great bonuses which pay for a very comfortable lifestyle. My DH works pt and looks after our DC.

It's not putting my work before my family. It's doing my job to enable me to provide for my family.

Whether that's something you're happy with is another matter. As you will understandably have fairly separate finances/ living situations at this stage in your relationship you obviously don't get the "benefit" of the longer hours i.e. the financial reward.

Some jobs are like this, he either enjoys it or it pays very well (or both) otherwise he wouldn't do it. I had a similar job, with similar timescales, it was great when I was single but a nightmare when I was in a relationship for the reasons you've said in your op. Tbh if he's always been like this the only way it will stop is if he changes jobs. He probably can't just say 'no' I'm not attending' without it impacting his job. I had it written into my contract that I did the hours it took to do the job, so no set hours.

Sounds like you either have to accept it, or you separate. Move in with him and see how you feel, especially if you're going to buy another house anyway. That way you can move out with no issues .

Depends on the job doesn't it. If it's something like corporate banking he won't have a choice if there's a deal on.

Do not have children. If you think he is an unreliable partner, wait until you see how it impacts his engagement with parenting!

@BibbleandSqwauk its a big global company. We are too old for kids now. I have seen emails and heard his boss say it’s critical meetings. I think as he had no kids his boss expects him to turn up. I have told him to say no to anything that is not 24 hrs notice. What it sounds is the organisation of the meetings are rubbish as they forget to add in uk office as most of the team are not in uk.

@MissTheMundane some if that is true. At the start he was reliable. But I think he feel behind with work. Some is unorganised team. We work round the planned meetings, but unplanned is annoying.

I don’t think he has another partner. I spent 1 week of his 2 week holiday with him and his family. my stuff is over his house so hard to hide. Although this is the perfect cover. But it’s not my first thought.

@Sirzy its the meetings are sporadic. They happen normally once a month. We can work round that. It’s the sporadic ones with no notice. Planned in advance with the other teams except the uk ones.

@GlowG missed the point. Not of it healthy deposit ti get on it again. Just trying to make a future.

@SpacePotato now thinking that. Committed to moving in a few weeks.

I have a meeting at 730pm tonight. I began at 9, if my DH told me to not as I need to prioritise being together I’d tell him to fuck off. Some jobs are more than clocking in and out. Assuming he’s working up the corporate ladder he is doing the right thing.

however there are other times you could easily see him, this is where the story stops making sense.

I wouldn't appreciate a partner dictating to me that I would have to say "no" to meetings. He needs to deal with his work as he sees fit, without being instructed by you. If you feel he needlessly prioritises work over you then you have to decide if you can live with this.

@paulhollywoodshairgel not married. Or hides his wife well and me from his family and grown up kid. I have nearly moved in to his house.

@CleaningOutMyCloset i do get that to a point. He is generous and we are off on holiday in 4 weeks. Said this overtime will help treat us on holiday. I am on the fence as it’s getting annoying. But my hope is it may improve when we live together. Just fed up of not being priority. He is great at actions matching words when no meeting and reliable.

You have different values re value money / priority of relationship time / importance of work. That won’t change. Can you live with it?

@luckystarg and @Wishimaywishimight i understand working late and when planned we work round it. I do it too. But it’s the late notice of a few hours that is annoying that impacts our plans. Expectation that he has no kids for him to attend. Others get to say no. He is quite far up the ladder. We have similar demanding jobs and my company wouldn’t do this. Ask, but not demand.

Due to working patterns we can’t see each other until next week now.

As part of my job I sometimes have to stay beyond my hours, go in late, work weekends. Almost entirely unplanned. My DH never has to. Our earnings are similar. It's the different nature of the jobs. I hated it when my DH would pressurise me into not staying etc. Really hated it. Felt utterly torn. We had a number of strong conversations about it and he does it much less now. There's no right or wrong, whatever you're both happy with. But I think he will become resentful of you very quickly if he's always feeling torn. For me it's nothing at all to do with not prioritising my family which I do endlessly and everything to do with the nature of the job and being professional. His work isn't going to change so learn to live with it or not.

I used to have a job like this. My time was never my own. That was just the way the job worked. I knew senior coworkers who made sure to not even have plants because they knew they might have to travel unexpectedly for long periods of time and their plants would die. Meetings at 3am, working all weekend, and working all night on no notice we’re absolutely expected. The salary was proportionate to the demanding expectations.

I eventually used the training and reference to move to a better life-balance job, but I could not have changed the corporate culture or refused to prioritize work over all but the most important scheduled life events.

YABU! I had a similar job (corporate lawyer in a US law firm). I had NO choice, absolutely no control over my time whatsoever. Weekends, holidays etc constantly interrupted. I even had to work Christmas Day once! His choice is to quit or to do the job. You need to get that and if you're not ok with it, which is understandable, break up. You are fundamentally incompatible.

I met my DP while working at my.previous job and made it clear at the outset what my job was. He understood and was never anything other than supportive. I left that job after another 3 years for better quality of life but that was my decision at the right point in time.

I have a husband with work that can be a bit like this. I book something like book club in the diary mid week, weeks in advance. But if he needs to be away at meetings etc. then I can’t go unless I can get a sitter. Equally though, if DH has evening meetings, he would tend to come home and have dinner with us, and then work in his office here as needed after hours. Would that be more feasible for when you move in? Because even before DC, we weren’t “out” other than at the weekend as we both worked FT and we were tired midweek.

Some jobs are just like that. I grew up with a police officer dad who often got called out with no notice at all, even (twice) on Christmas Day. We also had to drive back from our holiday in Cornwall when all leave was cancelled after a bombing in London. Single parent too, but my brother and I were used to it so no matter.

All kinds of job aren't typical 9-5 and often require all hands on deck at short notice, or even the odd all-nighter to get a contract finalised/a tender submitted/a trial case prepared. My friend's DH works for a major news channel and he's called out around the world with often just enough time to grab his equipment and get to the airport.

You sound rather inflexible and needy. Do you think this issue is masking bigger concerns you have about the relationship?

I mean, this is his job and you knew this when you met him so it’s nothing new. You’re bonkers to give up your house to live with someone you’ve known for a year, especially when you’re clearly unhappy about his job. His career and its demands are unlikely to change so you either put up with it or move on.

some roles really are just like that. My day started with a call at 7am today, my last call
is 9pm this evening. The 7am one landed late last night because someone forgot to send to me, it happens. I’m paid well, saying no would cause all kinds of impact. My DH work is the same. Usually it works really well and we have a great balance but when we need to work we work. Adding pressure to a partner by being pissed off isn’t going to fix the situation. You need to decide if this is the life you want or not as I highly doubt his commitment to work will change.

I@Winecrispschocolatecats i am not needy. No other issues. Just annoyed at the constant add ins. I understand if it’s critical or something had happened to get the team together. but it’s simply the team forget to invite him to the meetings and as a result he needs to drop everything to attend. Majority of the meetings are planned in advance and the international teams know about it. They just forget about the uk team until the day of the meeting.

They used to be invited in advance, and we happily worked round that. I do international
work and know in advance what days I work late. It’s annoying that someone forgets to do their job by inviting him in a timely manner that impacts us. That’s why I tell him say no. Why mess up his life as someone can’t do their job