Plans changed again. Fed up

[Urgsleepmoresleep]

Been dating DP for a year. We do live a good 45 minutes away from each other, demanding jobs and only see each 2 times a week. He is an amazing guy when I see him. This is the issue. His job means he often has meetings late into the night due to international projects working with other time zones and they can be scheduled with little notice depending on issues. Culture of his work means he has little chance to say no to not attending at short notice, meaning our plans change or get cancelled. It gets annoying.

We are moving in together in a few weeks. I am moving to his- he owns his house. I have sold my own house, was planning to buy another and be in a chain but buyer wants a very quick sale and has offered a great price, so he suggested I move to his temporarily instead of renting. This progressed last week to try living together as a trial and if all goes well buy together. If it’s a disaster we separate and I have security of my own deposit etc and can rent.

We haven’t seen each other much past few weeks. He has been away with family for a week. I was supposed to see him on the day he returned, but he was too tired due to a very early flight - granted he flew at 4am and got in at 12pm with work next day. I saw him last night properly after 10 days apart, but he was tired so not much interaction.

He was supposed to be staying again tonight and we had planned to go out to eat. We are not going to see each other over the weekend much as I have a friend visiting for a long weekend. He will met us for lunch one day, but obviously my friend is here to see me and I haven’t seen her for months. but this was pre planned so we planned to see each other more during the week.

he calls me an hour ago to say he can’t come round tonight. The project team forgot to add into his diary a meeting with the international team that finishes at 8pm - he works were he lives. He told me he was annoyed with given 3 hrs notice. He was supposed to be at a meeting last night, but they forgot to tell him. Said his boss went mental at him not attending, but he didn’t know, hence why he has to attend tonight.

I told him he should have said no as it’s unacceptable that his work expects him to work 5 hrs extra that short notice and he had plans, especially as we haven’t seen each other much in last 2 weeks. He said it was critical he attended. But his work messed up.

He understood my frustration but said he won’t do this when we live together as it’s not fair on me being stuck alone. I pointed out it probably will be better as we can at least see each other more. He said don’t get angry over something I can’t control. My response was this is always happening and he is not prioritising us - it happens a lot. I understood a days notice, but it’s getting ridiculous with a few hours notice to work that late. Told him this project is threatening our relationship as he is prioritising work over us. His response was his boss is pressuring him to attend. His work is demanding.

my annoyance is his work seems to trump our time. He can’t say no and his work as this culture of making his life awkward if he says no. He says he is speaking to his boss to tell him it’s unacceptable. We have an event planned next week and I have told him he can’t cancel for work. He assured me he had told work (after I reminded him of the event). I just fear he will forget and go to work if they demand.

I am now annoyed that my DP will never say no to work. AIBU to be fed up with this and tell him to sort out his priorities.

You think he should have told his boss no, because he had plans with his girlfriend?

" I have told him to say no to anything that is not 24 hrs notice. "

You have told him how to do his job? Honestly OP I think YABU. How he conducts himself at work is his business. I assume he had this job well before he met you and he can take a view on what he needs and wants to do in order to do it. Unless he has indicated he is being taken advantage of and is really unhappy with it but otherwise it's not your place to make that judgement, it's his.

It’s certainly a pertinent red flag, absolutely.

@TheCrystalPalace not exactly like that. But tell his boss he has plans and 3 hrs notice is too little.

@Nordicrain this was in response to him saying he was unhappy with short notice and getting fed up with it. All because people keep forgetting to invite the uk team at reasonable notice in an already planned meeting. Few time’s understand but for every meeting it’s getting ridiculous that someone can’t do there job

Still, he is a big boy and can decide himself where to draw a line. I would be considering it a red flag if someone was telling me what I could and couldn't do with my time and at work and threatening to break up with me if they weren't no. 1 priority all the time.

@Nordicrain this us the first time I have expressed my annoyance. No where have I said that I wanted to break up. I just wanted to be a priority for once.

You're not unreasonable to be annoyed and feel let down
You've told him that he needs to chose where his priorities lie. He's done that already.
In your position I would give it one last shot. Tell him that next time he cancels/rearranges because of work you're off. Ensure now that he understands. Even get him to repeat it....then drop it. Then if (when) he calls to tell you he's gonna be late/can't make it rather than moan complain, put the ball firmly in his court. Ask him what his plan is. Don't let him 'seek permission '. If his plan is 'We can go out Saturday instead and I'll take you to special/favorite restaurant instead' just reiterate 'you do what you think is right'.
If he let's you down just say OK. When he asks uf you're mad/disappointed etc just say OK you've made your decision.
When he returns and you're not there, tell him you've had this conversation countless times you asked him to do what he thinks his right. He's made his decision. You've made yours.

Of course, he could make the 'right' choice for you. Its a shame really you got this far into a relationship. Either he's strung you along or you've been a doormat. Somethings got to change.

I don't even get paid hugely but my job is like this too, in respect of there not really being a choice about some very short notice meetings and out of hours stuff.

And having a partner telling me off and demanding I 'just say no' would stress me out even more. Like I am just going to out of hours meetings for the fun of it and could simply say no.

Is this the same boyfriend you went on holiday with his family the other week, you were upset that he told his family you were only moving in temporarily, you felt his family didn't like you, you didn't like their views on certain things, you had to come home early, bf stayed there and ignored you all week and you were upset about it all? And you say there are no other issues? I'll try find the thread. Have you changed your name?

He prioritises work over other aspects of his life, including you. He won't change so you have to decide if you can live with that.

I can understand that this is very irritating for you. I think you either decide this isn’t the guy for you (hard when you’re about to move in with him) or live with it. However, you mention that people doing the schedule frequently forget to include him in the invitations so maybe he needs to have words with them!

@Dontbelieveaword nope. Not me

@Paq thsts what concerns me. Apart from work he is very much here excited about the future.

😂 That's what I was wondering. I'm
Imagining my boyfriend telling me to tell work "no" when I was a junior doctor.

@Clarinet1 that’s my frustration. It’s not his fault that he is letting me down. But equally he needs to say no. Hopefully they will learn then. We plan round his scheduled meetings.

He seems to think it will be better when we move in as at least we will see each other. He then says he will be annoyed if it continues as he wants to see me and not be in a separate room.

time will tell.

@purplefacemask but this is not critical patient care. This is planned meetings that he gets forgotten about.

I'd actually love this set up, you get to please yourself most of the time! I can see why it's annoying but that's the deal, by the looks of it.

Is there a time of the week that's least likely to be disturbed, and can you plan around that? Or get up for breakfast together etc?

You can't just say no to meetings in some jobs! I work in law, if your a corporate lawyer it's not unheard of to work through the night with no notice at all to get a deal over the line. You might get asked by your client to jump on a call at a moment's notices and that could be 2am if the other side are in a different time zone. It's just how it is.

Do you think he’s being entirely truthful? It’s just strange how this issue has grown over time. At the beginning it wasn’t something that happened. I’d be suspicious that he just can’t be bothered to come and see you.

@Squamata maybe it might be different when we live together and I get alone time. I might love the time

@Greeneyegirl i get that for some jobs. But this is something that he should get notice. Understand if someone will suffer, but it’s caused by a person forgetting to invite him to a planned meeting. The other 40 people in the call get at least a weeks notice. i checked and he checked if he had later meetings this month at the start of the week. Told nothing planned.

I'm a vet. Sometimes I can't even give my DP a head's up I'm going to be late (difficult if you're elbow deep in someone's pet). I get it's annoying but assuming his work was a known factor when you met him and you're moving in with him shortly (which means he might be home later but you'd still get to spend the evening/night together as it doesn't sound like he's working in to the early hours of the morning....been there btw) not quite sure what your fight and "you need to prioritise us" will achieve other than a. add pressure to an already stressed partner, b. make him feel like he needs to choose between his job he presumably worked hard for and his partner, c. cause actual problems if he gets in trouble at work if he does prioritise you (and again assuming that due to the distance you might be giving up your job and starting somewhere else so you might want the stability of his job rather than potentially you starting somewhere new and him being fired). Just have patience!

I was thinking this too

@AchillesElbow yesh he is telling the truth. This project only started 6 months into dating him. His return from holiday I didn’t get annoyed at him (secretly) as did think when he said he would be exhausted.

the meetings are a common theme. Annoying as all this can be avoided if his team plan.

@zusje nope will be commuting. I work mostly at home and only need to be in office once a week. It will be fine. I hope we can spend some time together when I move in. I am not pressuring him, just frustrated with the teams lack of processes

Personally I couldn’t live like that and on that basis this wouldn’t be the relationship for me.

Annoying as all this can be avoided if his team plan.

You don't get to dictate how his team or organisation operate. And your bitching about it doesn't help.

This is how work is for him. You need to either support him (or at least stop making things harder for him) or walk away if you're not willing to support him / understand.