Plans changed again. Fed up

[Urgsleepmoresleep]

Been dating DP for a year. We do live a good 45 minutes away from each other, demanding jobs and only see each 2 times a week. He is an amazing guy when I see him. This is the issue. His job means he often has meetings late into the night due to international projects working with other time zones and they can be scheduled with little notice depending on issues. Culture of his work means he has little chance to say no to not attending at short notice, meaning our plans change or get cancelled. It gets annoying.

We are moving in together in a few weeks. I am moving to his- he owns his house. I have sold my own house, was planning to buy another and be in a chain but buyer wants a very quick sale and has offered a great price, so he suggested I move to his temporarily instead of renting. This progressed last week to try living together as a trial and if all goes well buy together. If it’s a disaster we separate and I have security of my own deposit etc and can rent.

We haven’t seen each other much past few weeks. He has been away with family for a week. I was supposed to see him on the day he returned, but he was too tired due to a very early flight - granted he flew at 4am and got in at 12pm with work next day. I saw him last night properly after 10 days apart, but he was tired so not much interaction.

He was supposed to be staying again tonight and we had planned to go out to eat. We are not going to see each other over the weekend much as I have a friend visiting for a long weekend. He will met us for lunch one day, but obviously my friend is here to see me and I haven’t seen her for months. but this was pre planned so we planned to see each other more during the week.

he calls me an hour ago to say he can’t come round tonight. The project team forgot to add into his diary a meeting with the international team that finishes at 8pm - he works were he lives. He told me he was annoyed with given 3 hrs notice. He was supposed to be at a meeting last night, but they forgot to tell him. Said his boss went mental at him not attending, but he didn’t know, hence why he has to attend tonight.

I told him he should have said no as it’s unacceptable that his work expects him to work 5 hrs extra that short notice and he had plans, especially as we haven’t seen each other much in last 2 weeks. He said it was critical he attended. But his work messed up.

He understood my frustration but said he won’t do this when we live together as it’s not fair on me being stuck alone. I pointed out it probably will be better as we can at least see each other more. He said don’t get angry over something I can’t control. My response was this is always happening and he is not prioritising us - it happens a lot. I understood a days notice, but it’s getting ridiculous with a few hours notice to work that late. Told him this project is threatening our relationship as he is prioritising work over us. His response was his boss is pressuring him to attend. His work is demanding.

my annoyance is his work seems to trump our time. He can’t say no and his work as this culture of making his life awkward if he says no. He says he is speaking to his boss to tell him it’s unacceptable. We have an event planned next week and I have told him he can’t cancel for work. He assured me he had told work (after I reminded him of the event). I just fear he will forget and go to work if they demand.

I am now annoyed that my DP will never say no to work. AIBU to be fed up with this and tell him to sort out his priorities.

YABU to dictate to him how to conduct his job, if I was your partner I'd see this as bit of a red flag. It almost seems that you think he is choosing to ditch you when really he has no choice about it, as it's part of his job that he signed up for, and while it does annoy him, he obviously tolerates it for whatever reason. So you complaining about it and taking it personally won't be helping at all, the opposite in fact, I'd be annoyed by your lack of support if I was him, and I'd wonder if this was going to crop up in different aspects of the relationship.

Saying that, when you live together you probably won't mind this sort of thing so much because you will be with each other the rest of the time, which is what is obviously lacking at the moment. Me and DH work opposite shifts, he sometimes gets 2 hours overtime every day, announced on the day (while he's at work), that he can't say no to. My job is flexible but demanding, and I have a lot of deadlines to meet which can make for us missing our window. Neither of us take it personally because it isn't personal, if you work a job that isn't a 9-5 this sort of unplanned extra work is par for the course, the rewards are normally greater, but if my partner was getting annoyed with me about it I'd consider that they might not be the one for me.

I would find it quite unattractive that he won't actually stand up and say sorry he can't attend, he has plans.

That's basic respect for your work colleagues -not forgetting to invite until last minute. As an emergency, sure attend but he should have sone self respect with this person who constantly forgets to invite him to stuff.

I am assuming he is not a corporate lawyer . And at 50ish he should be able to say no (within reason)

Some of the overreactions are fun as always 😂 it’s his job! The culture sounds pretty poor and I wouldn’t want to work there. I’ve had jobs similar to that in the past where I was working all hours and had calls in the evening, DD thought I’d moved into the spare room for a while because she’d wake up and I was always in there. I earn more money than DH (teacher) and there’s sacrifices that sometimes go with that. You need to decide whether you’re willing to entertain that, maybe discuss how he sees his career going to get an idea.

I get it's annoying, especially last minute, you've been looking forward to seeing him, spending time together and then it doesn't happen. I completely get it! Just know it's not his choice and his personal preference would be to do those things to, unfortunately he can't. It will 100% be better once you guys live together as you'll be seeing him loads. But it does sound like his job might still affect plans, only you can decide whether that's a dealbreaker or not! But I don't think it's fair to ask him to say no to his job (and sod the consequences), it just sounds like he's just as fed up as you but might not be able to leave for whatever reason (lack of jobs in his sector, worry that his age might be a negative contributor for job seeking, being really close to a promotion he's been promised etc).