AIBU to put mum in care home

[Cantaffordthecost]

So my 85-year-old mum, who is widowed, has become doubly incontinent and confused. We are in the process of getting a dementia diagnosis. We’ve recently had to start carers (sourced by social services) as she can no longer manage her personal hygiene and can’t make herself meals or clean herself properly when she is left in a mess from her incontinence. We’ve just had the finance assessment from the council and we have been told we need to pay £142 a week and we just don’t have it. She has a monthly income of £1,143 in pension but our costs for heating alone last year - which they don’t take into account - were £350 and that’s without the rise. We pay for a stairlift and spend best part of £100 a month on incontinence pants - not counting the numerous washing machine loads etc we are doing daily. That is in addition to travel costs to hospital appointments on a weekly basis plus general living costs. We expected to pay some but we just haven’t got the money to pay this much. But she can go and live in a nursing /residential home and have £34.75 a week pocket money with the rest of the costs met. It will leave us financially better off but obviously cost the council far more. Where is the logic in that? Am I being unreasonable to think we have no choice but to find her a residential home or does anyone have any suggestions? The one thing we can’t do is find that much money.

Don’t think of putting her in a care home but as moving to somewhere more suitable. All the other things and people she enjoys will still be in her life. You will be able to see her and she’ll probably enjoy your company more as you aren’t rushing around doing things for her. When my mum moved, on my first visit she asked how I was, I couldn’t believe it as it’s been about 4 years since she’d asked this or indeed anything about my life.
She has such a miserable life in her own fiat she simple didn’t have any nice thoughts, her paranoia and frustration were so much worse there than in the nursing home. She’d never accept care at home, we tried everything, it took moving to accept the care and it’s a wonderful feeling that for 24/7 fir the rest of her life she will be looked after.

@TheExchange , you are ignoring the fact that there is very likely dementia involved. Or else you don’t understand what dementia means in practice. Moving anyone with dementia - on their own - to a new environment where everything is unfamiliar - everything from where the loo is to a different cooker and taps - is a recipe for disaster, and would very likely result in another move quite soon - to a good care home.

I find it really quite distasteful you are comparing paying care homecosts for people with almost million in the bank, to as yourself admit ward inheritance, to providing life saving cancer care. If you can't see the difference in the two then I will not be able to explain it to you.

Sorry, @TheExchange, I think I had misunderstood your post. If you’d said, ‘Don’t think of it as* putting her in a care home, but…’. As it was, you seemed to be saying don’t do it!

@TheExchange , you are ignoring the fact that there is very likely dementia involved. Or else you don’t understand what dementia means in practice. Moving anyone with dementia - on their own - to a new environment where everything is unfamiliar - everything from where the loo is to a different cooker and taps - is a recipe for disaster, and would very likely result in another move quite soon - to a good care home
I do not understand your post.
I was talking about the OP’s DM moving from her home to to a care which is something I’ve just gone through with my DM who has advanced dementia so yes I understand dementia.

Care homes don't cost hugely more than having someone come in a few times a day - because the government don't pay care homes anywhere near what people have to pay privately. My brother is very disabled and we were told he would only be able to have carers in 3 times a day because otherwise it was cheaper for him to be in a care home.

Also @Phgty getting NHS continuing care is really hard so it might not be the care homes fault. We were told that bed sores would have to be down to the bone for them to count, dementia obviously (ridiculously) doesn't count, but I don't know how bad the kidney failure would have to be. My uncle was dying of cirrhosis of the liver and at the point where he was too ill for a liver transplant but had spent a couple of months in hospital they thought he 'might' qualify for NHS continuing care.

I don't know what the answer is to the infections but just wanted to say my grandad used to get very very confused with urine infections, while he was very elderly (died at 100 a few years ago now) he did not have dementia but with a urine infection you definitely would have thought he did.

Care home costs are life saving too, just not so dramatically so. I'm just trying to highlight that what is paid for is a choice, not a law of nature. We have chosen that no-one, no matter how many millions in the bank, need pay for medical costs. But those suffering the degenerative diseases of old age have to pay for themselves.

Thanks again for the help. I’ve chased the doctor on the infection again and they are now sending a nurse out. We’ve had more calls from her carer with concerns so I’ve now arranged care home visits. You have all been amazing with your help at a time which we are finding so hard. Thank you x

All you can do is your best at the time with information you are given and what is available.

We never thought my Dad would go where he did as we thought it would be too expensive.

It wasn't & he loved it.

Even found an old school friend there!

I thought if they got CHC funding the whole of the nursing home fees were paid?

Yes, the NHS pays for it all; and as OP, I would argue the ICB must fund incontinence pants, not pads if DM can’t cope with them. After all, CHC funding must pay for all the needs.

DD gets NHS CHC funding for a care home with an onsite medical centre. The Incontinence Service provide her with incontinence pants, as she can’t cope with pads either - for when she comes to our home.

One more quick thought. It sounds like you are doing an amazing job asking the right questions and being open to making the hard choices. As said before I’ve just come off of 2 years of end of life care for my mum and now gone straight into continuing care for my step dad. Nobody knows what the hell they are doing when they find themselves in our position and it’s overwhelming to suddenly be the one having to make the tough choices.

My advice is to try to plan 1 or 2 steps ahead (clearly easier said than done!) because just as you get everything sorted the next phase will start. It’s frustrating to feel like you are always trying to catch up.

Op, look on the Elderly Parents board for more help.
You've had some good advice here but Elderly Parents will give you more information and support.
Good luck! X

I'd be careful going to view homes because if you want council funding you have to take the cheapest one with space that can meet need. If you prefer another option family have to pay the difference, can you afford that?

Only self-funders have the luxury of picking and choosing.

Also council won't place if she's safe overnight and between care calls.

What area are you in, maybe someone can give you care home recommendations.