AIBU to put mum in care home

[Cantaffordthecost]

So my 85-year-old mum, who is widowed, has become doubly incontinent and confused. We are in the process of getting a dementia diagnosis. We’ve recently had to start carers (sourced by social services) as she can no longer manage her personal hygiene and can’t make herself meals or clean herself properly when she is left in a mess from her incontinence. We’ve just had the finance assessment from the council and we have been told we need to pay £142 a week and we just don’t have it. She has a monthly income of £1,143 in pension but our costs for heating alone last year - which they don’t take into account - were £350 and that’s without the rise. We pay for a stairlift and spend best part of £100 a month on incontinence pants - not counting the numerous washing machine loads etc we are doing daily. That is in addition to travel costs to hospital appointments on a weekly basis plus general living costs. We expected to pay some but we just haven’t got the money to pay this much. But she can go and live in a nursing /residential home and have £34.75 a week pocket money with the rest of the costs met. It will leave us financially better off but obviously cost the council far more. Where is the logic in that? Am I being unreasonable to think we have no choice but to find her a residential home or does anyone have any suggestions? The one thing we can’t do is find that much money.

If the elderly person has more than £23k they must pay for their care - all of it - until they are down to £23k. Then, however, they will still pay part of it until they are down to (not certain of exact amount) about £13k.

My Dad had £60k in savings, no property. He paid out £10k - the full cost of the short time he was in care before he died.

Well, it’s not quite self evident, is it? We don’t expect a cancer patient to contribute to treatment fees if they have £700,000 in the bank. Why have we decided that no-one, however rich, needs to contribute to diseases which have a medical treatment, but the whole cost should fall on those unlucky enough to succumb to a disease which doesn’t have a medical treatment?

But a care home isn't medical treatment?

I don’t trust care homes. Genuinely caring care homes are few and far between. Sorry for your mum and you and the family. It would be much better if something could be sorted to keep her at home, unless you can confidently find somewhere that would actually care for her.

Yes, as she should. As I said to my late mum, this is the rainy day you've been saving for...

I agree. She will be safer and more comfortable in a care home. You have done everything you can and more it sounds like. But to me it definitely sounds like the best decision.

Hang on though, it's the older person who pays, not the family. Her income must be enough to pay this contribution. I think you need a clearer picture of care home costs, as she would be expected to contribute to those too, up to a limit.

Why are you having to fund it - that's not right , they can't take relatives income into account. It's her income and house and savings.

If she gets carers in then you could use the attendance allowance for the carers as wouldn't they do some cleaning and washing?
Check out the attendance allowance if she needs supervision day and night she may get the higher rate of £100 per week.

I would write to the council with the figures you have given us and ask them which option they would prefer. I did this for my m'n'law when my f'n'law had dementia and outlined their costs of him moving into a home compared to them helping him stay at home...and they had a rethink and helped him stay at home.

I don't think you should feel guilty about looking at care homes as an option as you and your brother obviously care greatly for your mum's wellbeing. If you are no longer having to spend time cleaning carpets and laundering clothes, you could spend that time enriching your mum's life by spending more quality time with her, perhaps taking her places etc.

When my mum had dementia we tried everything to keep her out of a care home. There were three of us and one of us went every day and we had carers twice a day. It just wasn’t enough. She was frightened and confused whenever she was alone. The occupational therapist who was sent to assess her made us see that in a care home there would always be someone to reassure her, make her a cup of tea at any time, help with her hygiene etc 24/7. It was a hard decision to make because you never feel your parent is bad enough to go in a care home. It was the best decision though. We still visited her ever day and would take her out, she made friends there and the staff were lovely and patient. You and your brother cannot be with her 24/7 and believe me it will only get worse.

Having just been through this whole thing, can I just say that it's time. You are in the fortunate situation where you can go and see them and find out what's right for her - push for that with the local authority. you can't just get placed, you have to have some input.

she needs more help and more and more care. Best you do it considered than in a rush because she's had a horrible fall etc.

I speak from experience.

Huge sympathy and kindness to all concerned. It's a horrible decision to have to make.

My aunt had dementia, double incontinence and mobility issues. She had lovely carers at her home but she still spent quite a bit of time alone. She perked up when she went into a home and I think not being responsible for her house was a massive weight off her mind. I wish we had done it sooner.

Don't feel guilty in the slightest. No parent surely, before any mental impairment, would expect or allow their busy adult DC in the prime of their life with jobs and families of their own to commit indefinitely to caring for them with all the time and stress that entails, as you are doing.

My late father spent his last years in a care home.

Before that he was in an difficult to heat house with lots of stairs.

To know that he was warm, fed & safe was well worth getting no inheritance!

Those whose medical needs put them in a nursing home still have to - if they have means greater than £23k - pay for the "board and lodging" part of their care.

My Dad passed away and left Mum - he was really her carer as she got confused and didn't cook or do laundry etc. She tried to live by herself but that didn't work out and then she came to live with us. Similar issues to those you describe so she went into a home. Although it was tough at the time actually it was for the best. She really liked the home - liked the company, preferred the food, there was a routine for her which she didn't have with me, it was actually better all round. She loved the crafting activities they did, singing etc.

She did start with a trial, and she did have her own home so it was sold and a lot of the money went on her care - but of course it was her money so she should spend it on herself. She sadly passed away really suddenly a few months ago but the home was a good thing for her. Honestly OP you should investigate it - they get a bad rap but they are not all the same.

From everything you’ve said I would definitely look at care homes. From my own experience of you can find the right home it is such a relief to everyone. From what you’ve said carers coming in a few times a day is not going to cut it. You and your brother are already doing more than what with overnights, cleaning etc… And sadly this is all only going to get worse (sorry).

Your Mum will be happier, she’ll have proper care, she’ll have company and activities. And you and your brother can go back to being her kids, and not her carers.

Do it now, when you have time to go round places and find the right own. They aren’t all soul destroying (some are and how they get such great reviews is beyond me!). Don’t wait for a crisis that means you have to find somewhere in a hurry.

also don’t be afraid to move her if the first place isn’t suitable. The first home my Mum went to wash right and we moved her which was stressful but much better in the long run.

Some practical advice:

• The Alzheimer’s Society Talking Point forums are really good and supportive. It got me through the first few months of hell and feeling like the worst daughter in the world for “putting Mum in a home”
• If you don’t have Power of Attorney for BOTH finances AND Health and welfare and your Mum still has enough mental capacity to understand what one is GET THEM NOW. Otherwise as she worsens mentally you will have no end of trouble making decisions for her.

@Clarabell77 3 of my family eventually moved to care homes - DM, FiL, and an aunt, all,of whom had dementia. They care homes we chose - admittedly after looking at a lot - were all extremely good, and were by no means the most expensive.

My Dm was in hers for very nearly 8 years - from 89 until she died at 97, and IMO it was very largely down to the excellent care she received that she lasted so long.

YANBU, I think there comes a time when people need more care and attention than we can provide. There are some very good care homes (usually the private ones, but not always) and some dreadful ones (usually the council funded, but not always) so it’s worth looking into to get an idea. You can also visit them and get a feel for the place. My gran was in a similar situation financially; owned her home and her and my grandad saved all their lives in anticipation of needing care in old age, he died at home but she had to go into a care home after her mobility reduced to zero and she refused to allow carers to look after her in her own home. Luckily the house didn’t need to be sold to pay for the care as they had saved up a lot of money separately for care in later life, but she paid for the lot herself, it was about 5k a month. As other posters have said; if you (the person requiring care) have any assets such as a house and/or savings then this would be used to pay for the care home first before the council would step in.
It’s a long road, but worth it to know they are being looked after and are safe.

. If She has a monthly income of £1,143, why shouldnt she contribute £142 a week?

even in a 5 week month that will only total just over £ 700 a month

People who do fund their own care are having to pay up to £1200 a WEEK .

£142 is nothing. £20 a day, to feed and care for her? You should be having their hand off

I thought if they got CHC funding the whole of the nursing home fees were paid?

But my point is that all these things are choices we've made. We act as if it is self evident that people should have to pay £4000 a month in a care home if they need one, yet that's a choice we as a nation have made, as is the choice that someone who ends up in a NHS hospital shouldn't have to pay anything, no matter how much they have stashed in the bank.

People are wrong when they are saying about family not having to pay for a care home in certain circumstances - if the elderly person has no savings or does not have their own home, the local authority will fund up to a certain amount which will cover the cost in a cheaper care home (I.e one which would previously have been a local authority home but they are no more). If the family chooses for the elderly person to go into a slightly more expensive home then there are top-up fees to be paid . The elderly person cannot pay this if they don't have the money so the home would ask the family to. Presumably if family can't afford this then the elderly person can't move into that home . I know people who have had to do this .

She can only go into state funded care if her care needs warrant it ie cannot be met by 4 calls a day ( eg needs help in the night ).