AIBU to put mum in care home

[Cantaffordthecost]

So my 85-year-old mum, who is widowed, has become doubly incontinent and confused. We are in the process of getting a dementia diagnosis. We’ve recently had to start carers (sourced by social services) as she can no longer manage her personal hygiene and can’t make herself meals or clean herself properly when she is left in a mess from her incontinence. We’ve just had the finance assessment from the council and we have been told we need to pay £142 a week and we just don’t have it. She has a monthly income of £1,143 in pension but our costs for heating alone last year - which they don’t take into account - were £350 and that’s without the rise. We pay for a stairlift and spend best part of £100 a month on incontinence pants - not counting the numerous washing machine loads etc we are doing daily. That is in addition to travel costs to hospital appointments on a weekly basis plus general living costs. We expected to pay some but we just haven’t got the money to pay this much. But she can go and live in a nursing /residential home and have £34.75 a week pocket money with the rest of the costs met. It will leave us financially better off but obviously cost the council far more. Where is the logic in that? Am I being unreasonable to think we have no choice but to find her a residential home or does anyone have any suggestions? The one thing we can’t do is find that much money.

If the council have assessed her as being able to pay £142 a week for home care then it's likely she will be assessed as being able to pay a similar amount (or more!) for care in a care home.

they will take ALL of her available income as a contribution to the care home except for the financial disregard of e.g £35 a week which is so she can afford toiletries, treats, haircut type expenses of her choosing.

No it isn't. But why have we decided that people shouldn't have to bear the costs of their medical treatments, but not the costs of a care home should they be one of the minority of older people unfortunate enough to need one?

@Jessbow I think you are misunderstanding what the £142 was for . This was the cost of home carers .

I believe @hatgirl works in this area and knows what she's talking about .

not sure where you source your inco products- Tesco do own brand at 62p a pair .
4 pairs a day -= £2.40
x 30days = £72. considerable saviing to be had there

Ignoring the financial side of things it sounds like your DM would benefit from living in a care home. She’d have company, good food and help with her personal care. However if she has capacity you can’t make this decision for her.

OP: does your Mum have savings of over £23k?

If so, it is expected that that will be used to pay for the Carer’s.

If not, she / you shouldn’t be having to pay.

If her house is sold and there is any equity left then that will be assessed for her contribution to care costs.

The Age UK website has a very good section on entitlement and costs.

In any case, a residential home sounds the best place for your Mum to be now, to keep her safe and healthy.

So sorry you are dealing with this, and dementia is very hard on everyone involved.

Yes sorry, thought her contribution to car home was that.

BUT again, if she has that income,its right that she pays her way , isnt it?

( Been there , done it, living without the inheritance- it all went on care)

Hbh17 · Today 17:16
Of course YANBU. In view of her care needs, a care home is clearly the most appropriate place for her. You and your brother are already doing far too much and she needs to be somewhere with proper professional support”

Absolutely this. Caring is a specialist job.

I’m still a little confused why you are responsible for paying anything… but that being said from your description she’ll probably be better off with 24 hour care.

I’m on the tail end of getting my SD into an assisted living facility paid for by the county + his Social Security (US). I reassured him when we started the qualification process that I would be there to support him non-financially but I needed him to be poor and unsupported when he was being assessed for need both financially and ability.

I felt kind of bad because I turned him over to the social workers, but they understood what I was trying to accomplish. I have no problem now helping him financially for incidentals and committed to that now that he’s in.

It’s a hard mindset to tell strangers you won’t or can’t help your parents, but it needs to happen so they can see the financial situation of the parent and not parent + kids.

There is no logic to how financial assessments work. My adult son lives in a residential setting. It’s actually over £5k per week, at the moment due to using agency it’s nearer to £7k per week, due to his high care needs. I told the social worker at the time that if they gave us parents even half of that we could care for our kids at home. We’d be able to move house or build an annexe and employ care staff 🤷. It’s bonkers .Thankfully as is funded by CHC he doesn’t have to pay a contribution. Two of his friends have to pay a contribution and are left with around £30 per week plus the mobility part of their pip.

I realized that may have been a little unclear. My stepdad really is poor without assets so I wasn’t trying to pull a fast one. Also in the US with different (but similar) rules around qualification for assistance and allowable assets.

Agree also. My son lives in a care home. He has a very full life there doing all the things we can’t do at home. It would have been extremely selfish of me to keep him at home where he’d just sit around the house day in and day out as day services are non existent in our area. We found the most perfect place in a beautiful setting. As he’s challenging and vulnerable where he lives is also a lot safer .

Yes, if someone meets CHC, everything is paid. The same as if a person is deemed end of life. All care is paid for. If someone is deemed nursing, and had a funded nursing assessment, the nursing part will be paid for. CHC is not always in the patients best interest, as they can loose other benefits, such as mobility allowance. In Wales CHC patients do not receive a direct payment. I think this might be different in England. My advice is to do your research before making any decisions.

Better hope that you are never in need of one then!

“Put in a home.”
Those are the most chilling words, thankfully when they’re said about me I won’t understand what is happening to me.
Loss of independence is the worst thing that I can imagine.
No doubt it will come.

@Cantaffordthecost

Did you complete a disability related expenses section of the financial assessment. Things such as extra heating, water laundry costs and continence aids (pads) and stairlift should all be taken into account and then disregarded. You would need to show evidence such as bills etc. They should take off 25 weekly automatically in any case but you may have over that.

Loss of independence is the worst thing that I can imagine
Laying in your own shit and urine on a filthy bed, starving, lonely and confused in your own home isn’t great either.

My parent has just gone into a home, and honestly, it’s so much better for them now. 24 hour care and company. They’re happier and we’re not worrying about them 24/7. Leaving someone with dementia on their own in the end is like leaving a toddler alone. It’s unsafe and they get frightened.

For those with parents who have savings, look into care annuities. They can cover most costs. Definitely get proper advice though.

From what you have described here I'm surprised you and your brother have been managing to look after your mum at this stage.

You definitely need to be looking at care homes OP. Carers who do home care are not for someone like your mum with more demanding needs. Your mum is incontinent she needs support 24/7.

Yes, after much discussion my very frail 96 year old MIL finally agreed that a care home might be better than her third floor flat. She’s is extremely unsteady on her feet, so at risk of falling that she hardly moves from her chair, has skin cancer and just had a dementia diagnosis. My SIL does her best to look after her with daily visits, but is restricted herself at 72. And yet the local authority in Wiltshire have turned her down for a care home place and said she can have an at home care package instead. I am certain that they will be aware that will not be enough but as long as SIL picks up the slack - as they know she will obviously - so what I suppose. She has no savings, and is in an ex forces subsidised rented flat. I can’t help thinking if she had a nice GBP700k house she owned they might have decided she did qualify for a care home place after all.

Higher rate Attendance Allowance is £101.75 a week so that alone would cover a good proportion of the cost and as others have said incontinence pads may be available free after a continence assessment.

Well in an ideal world they wouldn't have to.

But as it is there is not enough funding for it so if you are sitting with almost a million in the bank it's fair enough you use that for own your housing, food and care. Otherwise tax payers are just paying this lady's children's inheritance.

I agree with this. I'm not in the UK, but it seems to be more common here for people to go into care rather than struggle on at home with help. Some do of course, but someone with the issues of the OP's Mum would be assessed as suitable to go into care. My late DM wasn't nearly as bad, and she spent the last three years of her life in care. It was a huge weight off my mind, and she was happy there. Even just having company, whether they interact or not, is good for them. If I get to the stage where I can't manage at home I will be going into care - there is no way I would live at home in those circumstances.

I say this really kindly- a home might seems grim and horrrible to you but for her it would be different. We would hate to be stuck in a too warm room watching tv or looking out of the window butbthat might not be too different from what she does say to day now. She would be safe, clean and well fed. There would be familiar faces about and she would never be alone. You and your brother would be able to relax.

I have said to my family that the minute I am gaga, or cannot look after myself, they can find a nice care home for me. Care homes are (generally) brilliant.

You are not "putting her in a care home". You are "finding the best care for her".