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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"As a parent..."

258 replies

LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 14:29

I've just read about a local teenager who was recently subjected to a rather distressing mugging. The person who posted about this said that, "as a parent," she found this horrifying.

AIBU to think that it is not necessary to be a parent to be able to feel empathy/sympathy towards a child who has had a traumatic experience?

As someone who is not a parent, I find this trope to be quite insulting and it's usually completely unnecessary to state. (I'm assuming the person who posted details of the attack doesn't actually mean that they would have found it acceptable had they not had children of their own.)

Why invoke a pro-natal hierarchy, unnecessarily?

OP posts:
Acornsoup · 20/04/2023 17:12

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 20/04/2023 17:08

Totally agree @LaPerduta
It's like the idiots on here who say "as a mother I'm horrified at the terrible thing that's happened to this child"
As if before giving birth they rolled hysterically in the aisles every time a child was murdered or run over.
Weirdos.

I don't think parents think you are laughing in the isles. What a weird thing to write.

IglesiasPiggl · 20/04/2023 17:13

I suppose it depends how it's said. Most of the time people are just anchoring their reaction to their personal situation. It's only annoying if it comes with an implication of superiority, which in my experience it doesn't.

Acornsoup · 20/04/2023 17:13

Snowjokes · 20/04/2023 17:12

In some ways I think people who say this can be demonstrating that they’re less empathetic than others. Because they’re not really thinking about that poor kid who was mugged, they’re thinking about their own kid and how awful it would be if it happened to them.

Again you can't relate - they are thinking about both.

shutthewindownow · 20/04/2023 17:14

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SallyWD · 20/04/2023 17:21

I find some people really feel differently about things since becoming a parent and that's why they say it. I am not one of those people! I have so many friends who are mums who say things like "Oh now I'm a mum I hate hearing about child abuse". It kind of blows my mind that they didn't hate hearing about it before!! I've always been very sensitive to that sort of thing, long before I even thought of having kids.

Tabitha005 · 20/04/2023 17:40

I think a lot of people use cliches like this without realising they're doing it. For me, it's the same as 'If I'm honest', 'between you and me' and 'not being funny but....'

CurlewKate · 20/04/2023 17:46

@shutthewindownow " to be honest I don't think childless people can understand a lot of things."

Unless they are psychopaths they'll understand how horrific a "distressing mugging" would be.....

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 20/04/2023 17:49

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This kind of attitude is exactly why OP is not being unreasonable.

Original poster
LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 17:57

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Wow.

We can certainly understand when someone is a dick.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 17:58

PussBilledDuckyPlait · 20/04/2023 17:49

This kind of attitude is exactly why OP is not being unreasonable.

Show quote history

Thank you.

OP posts:
tallcypowder · 20/04/2023 18:32

As Bill Bailey said

„There’s this one celebrity, Rosie O’Donnell, a talk show host, and she said this: “I don’t know anything about Afghanistan, but I know it’s full of terrorists, speaking as a mother.” So what is this "speaking as a mother" then? Is that a euphemism for "talking out of my arse"? "Suspending rational thought for a moment"? As a rational human being, Al-Qaeda are a loose association of psychopathic zealots who could be rounded up with a sustained police investigation. But speaking as a parent, they’re all eight foot tall, they’ve got lasers under their moustaches, a huge eye in their foreheads and the only way to kill them is to NUKE every country that hasn’t sent us a Christmas card in the the last 20 years!! "Speaking as a mother".“

Source: quotepark.com/quotes/1921054-bill-bailey-theres-this-one-celebrity-rosie-odonnell-a-tal/

tallcypowder · 20/04/2023 18:33

MissTheMundane · 20/04/2023 16:52

As a parent.... I think if you ever become a parent, you might understand ...

Are people this short sighted.

I care the same as I did before and after kids. It is possible to be emotionally intelligent.

tallcypowder · 20/04/2023 18:36

SallyWD · 20/04/2023 17:21

I find some people really feel differently about things since becoming a parent and that's why they say it. I am not one of those people! I have so many friends who are mums who say things like "Oh now I'm a mum I hate hearing about child abuse". It kind of blows my mind that they didn't hate hearing about it before!! I've always been very sensitive to that sort of thing, long before I even thought of having kids.

I agree. Are people that short sighted?

EstherHazy · 20/04/2023 18:55

YANBU - I am not a parent either though would love to have been. It's just not happened. I'm 39 now and have been sensitive about it for 16 years so find all these 'as a parent...' things can get to you. It's a huge trope you notice if you're an 'outsider' - like all politicians going about climate change 'for our children'. It's bordering offensive half the time.

I have 4 amazing nieces and nephews and a lot of maternal feelings towards them. I'd hazard (call me arrogant) I have always had more maternal feelings for the older one than his mother, who had PND and has always struggled to bond with him. We've lived in the same household several times over the years and I see them all multiple times a week. But, I'm not a parent.

I get completely sick and tired of people implying you cannot understand certain situations without kids, that you'd think differently if you had kids, things you can't find as funny, or couldn't fully empathise with. It's all complete bollocks. I can do all of those things, feel and think all those things, just the same.

My sister is a classic 'as a parent'-er, criticising teachers who are no good because they are not parents. Eg, teachers who want to schedule a meeting at 7pm but if they were parents they'd realise this is a terrible time getting kids ready for bed. From my perspective that's a teacher going above and beyond outside their school hours who cannot do it any other time because they're already busy. But for my sister, 'as a parent'.... that's someone being clueless about how life as a parent works.

GRRR!!! YANBU!

Original poster
LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 19:07

I get completely sick and tired of people implying you cannot understand certain situations without kids, that you'd think differently if you had kids, things you can't find as funny, or couldn't fully empathise with. It's all complete bollocks. I can do all of those things, feel and think all those things, just the same.

Quite. It's certainly a very "othering" way to make a point.

OP posts:
CrotchetyCrocheting · 20/04/2023 19:15

There was an accident near me recently involving 13 and 14 year olds. I have a 13 year old. I could see her going along with what these kids did. Seeing their photos was like seeing any of dds friends. It just hit different. Different than it even would have when my children were toddlers rather than teens.

Good for you if you feel strongly about every single thing but I don't think that that is the norm. I think it's more normal to feel strongly to things you can relate to.

Plumbear2 · 20/04/2023 19:18

I say this, especially now that I have teenagers. It's because I feel the parents pain as if it was my own child. I see how young the teen really is and how could something so awfull happen to them. It brings out my motherly instincts. If this offends you then that is your problem frankly. I'm not going to stop saying it

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 20/04/2023 19:26

Some people just like to get a foot in on the crime, be closer to it, almost like they are involved themselves.

Therefore "as a parent" for them.

"As a person" for most folk. Although nobody would write that. "Oh, as a person, my heart goes out to them".

It is off.

Do you think the parents of a child involved in a tragedy care about how other parents feel? Of course not

It's hardly a special club.

SufferingCarlos · 20/04/2023 19:31

I felt more strongly about cruelty to children after becoming a parent because it hits closer to home and I'm honestly so tired of everything being triggering to someone somewhere. Being a parent is a huge part of my identity, I'm not apologising for this or downplaying it as it affects every aspect and decision in my life.

coeurnoir · 20/04/2023 19:32

Yes, it's bollocks. My sister has no children and yet she is subjected to this crap all the time. She is the most caring, empathetic and wonderful person in the world and feels more and more deeply about anything involving children being hurt than I do. She also sees more damaged children due to her work in child protection and understands children more than I do.

I'm a selfish bastard because I only care about my own two....and yet people think I know more/feels more than the person in my life who has an innate understanding of, and love for, all children. It's ridiculous.

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 20/04/2023 19:32

Plumbear2 · 20/04/2023 19:18

I say this, especially now that I have teenagers. It's because I feel the parents pain as if it was my own child. I see how young the teen really is and how could something so awfull happen to them. It brings out my motherly instincts. If this offends you then that is your problem frankly. I'm not going to stop saying it

No, you DON'T feel the parents pain as if it were your own child.

Or if think you do - go tell the 16 year olds Dad up from me, how you feel his pain that his son was murdered on the way home from school.

You can't even pretend to comprehend. It's sickening that you think you feel their pain.

SufferingCarlos · 20/04/2023 19:34

It's only people who don't have children who protest that they felt the same way before I've never seen an actual parent in real life (not online as people can pretend to further their argument) say they feel the same way exactly as pre children. And it's also childless people who keep insisting that they know and understand what it's like to be a parent or how to parent because they were a child once upon a time or watched someone closely raise their child. It really isn't the same thing. Like a pp cleverly said, as a parent, you'll understand when you're a parent!

Plumbear2 · 20/04/2023 19:37

MattTebbuttsDenimShirt · 20/04/2023 19:32

No, you DON'T feel the parents pain as if it were your own child.

Or if think you do - go tell the 16 year olds Dad up from me, how you feel his pain that his son was murdered on the way home from school.

You can't even pretend to comprehend. It's sickening that you think you feel their pain.

Show quote history

How dare you tell me what I feel. How dare the OP suggest parents stop saying this. Stop telling people what they can or cannot say, or feel. If Op feels triggered then that's her problem , not mine. Yes I do feel the pain of the parents. I'm a mother to teenagers, don't dare try to tell me how I feel

CrackerAndPudding · 20/04/2023 19:38

I think it depends on context. If someone were to say "as a parent" when talking about a risk or threat local to them I'd understand that it's because the incident directly impacts how they might manage or respond to that event.

If its in the context of "I find this universally horrible thing horrible" then I feel quite sorry for them. I assume they are emotionally stunted, if only parenthood could teach th

CrackerAndPudding · 20/04/2023 19:38

*them that kind of empathy