Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"As a parent..."

258 replies

LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 14:29

I've just read about a local teenager who was recently subjected to a rather distressing mugging. The person who posted about this said that, "as a parent," she found this horrifying.

AIBU to think that it is not necessary to be a parent to be able to feel empathy/sympathy towards a child who has had a traumatic experience?

As someone who is not a parent, I find this trope to be quite insulting and it's usually completely unnecessary to state. (I'm assuming the person who posted details of the attack doesn't actually mean that they would have found it acceptable had they not had children of their own.)

Why invoke a pro-natal hierarchy, unnecessarily?

OP posts:
Mamamia32 · 20/04/2023 15:20

I don't think you need to be a parent to feel sorry for other people, but it now makes me feel really upset and physically sick to hear about child abuse etc.. on the news, and I don't think I had that reaction before becoming a mum.

GreyGoose1980 · 20/04/2023 15:22

This previously drove me mad before I had DD work mates would say things like ‘as a mother I feel terrible about that recent bus crash’ etc and I’d want to give a sarcastic reply ‘ as a childless person I was completely fine with it’. The only thing I’d add is that since having DD if I hear of something abusive happening to a baby I have a more physical reaction. It’s hard to explain, whilst I still felt really bad about it in the past, now I feel physically sick and cry more easily. I don’t think it makes me a better or more feeling person at all, it’s just different.

CurlewKate · 20/04/2023 15:22

See also men saying "I have a mother/wife/sister/daughter-this crime appalls me."

Devoutspoken · 20/04/2023 15:23

Surely its just people putting themselves in that position from a personal point of view, eh As a parent, are we OK to be worried about paedophiles,

KimberleyClark · 20/04/2023 15:23

Reclining · 20/04/2023 14:33

Agree with you. Remember Andrea Leadsom getting slated for effectively saying she'd be a better candidate for Tory leadership than Theresa May because she is a mother. V lazy.

And Mary Berry saying being a mother made her a better cook!

CurlewKate · 20/04/2023 15:25

@Taq "You are overthinking this and looking for things to be offended at."

Better than underthinking and deliberately turning your back on offence....

WarmButteryCrumpets · 20/04/2023 15:29

Tradescantia252 · 20/04/2023 14:49

As a non parent you are horrified at what happened.
As a parent, this person is horrified at the possibility of it happening to their child

I think this nails it.

However I always think it's weird when parents think that being extra concerned about crimes involving children somehow makes them better people, when it literally implies they only started giving a shit about children when they had their own...!

aSofaNearYou · 20/04/2023 15:30

Tradescantia252 · 20/04/2023 14:49

As a non parent you are horrified at what happened.
As a parent, this person is horrified at the possibility of it happening to their child

This. In this context it's shorthand for "I'm concerned this will happen to mine/other children".

I think you're really overthinking this

StephanieSuperpowers · 20/04/2023 15:32

it literally implies they only started giving a shit about children when they had their own...!

It doesn't really. But it would be ridiculous to think that becoming a parent doesn't change how you react to things. It would be deeply weird if it didn't.

ItsThePlayBusDingDing · 20/04/2023 15:33

If there's a gang mugging teens in the area then a non parent would think "that's bloody awful" and that's it, a parent has to consider the implications of what this means for their teen going out, where and when.

In the same way someone attacking dogs will impact dog owners more, or crimes targetting bus drivers will impact their relatives and friends more etc.

Odile13 · 20/04/2023 15:36

I agree actually OP. I’ve never been keen on that phrase.

EllenLRipley · 20/04/2023 15:44

It's imbecilic imo. Like those people who are religious and think anyone who is an atheist has no moral values. It's lazy and makes me think people are thick and lacking any emotional intelligence.

EllenLRipley · 20/04/2023 15:45

Oh god and those "father of daughters' posts during 'me too'. Grim. It took them making a child from their own DNA to give a shit about women. Knobs

Original poster
LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 16:40

A lot of "as a parent" statements unwittingly reveal that said parent is less rational, kind or fair than an impartial person. Not that they've been gifted special insight and meaning.

That's an interesting point.

OP posts:
Original poster
LaPerduta · 20/04/2023 16:44

WarmButteryCrumpets · 20/04/2023 15:29

I think this nails it.

However I always think it's weird when parents think that being extra concerned about crimes involving children somehow makes them better people, when it literally implies they only started giving a shit about children when they had their own...!

Show quote history

It reminds me of a relative who, despite being very well-off, was almost anti giving to charity. Then someone in her immediate family got cancer and suddenly she's a passionate fundraiser for cancer charities.

OP posts:
Thighlengthboots · 20/04/2023 16:48

Nordicrain · 20/04/2023 14:41

Hmmm, yes and no.

On one hand being a parent doesn't make you more empathetic or anyhting - that would be ridiculous to suggest. However my feelings have definitely highened in respect of child related things since having kids. I went through about 5 years of donating to every child related charity going, if there were sad mistreated kids on a advert I was paying. So I definitely think it changes the emotional response you might have, maybe because you somehow feel closer to the situation or because suddenly it becomes much more relateable.

Absolutely agree with this. It doesnt mean that you have more empathy or are some how more feeling or a "better person", its just that when a child/teen is harmed it makes you think about your own child which is like a punch to the guts. You put yourself in the place of their parents which is why it feels more primal and raw than it did before you were a parent.

I think you are overthinking this and taking offence where it really isnt intended.

MissTheMundane · 20/04/2023 16:52

As a parent.... I think if you ever become a parent, you might understand ...

Thighlengthboots · 20/04/2023 16:52

However I always think it's weird when parents think that being extra concerned about crimes involving children somehow makes them better people, when it literally implies they only started giving a shit about children when they had their own

I dont think this at all. When I hear about random acts of violence against children I dont immediately think, "I know, I'll show extra empathy which will mean people will think I'm such a great person- great idea!"

No. What happens is, it makes me aware of all the potential harm my kids could face growing up in the world, and its hard to hear that because it reminds you that if it could happen to them, it could potentially happen to your children aswell- which is really quite frightening.

Bluegrass · 20/04/2023 16:58

I don’t know. If horses were being attacked I could say that was awful.

If someone else said similar but started “As the owner of a horse…” then that would just indicate to me that the situation felt personally very relevant and threatening to their circumstances.

itsabigtree · 20/04/2023 17:05

I Understand where you're coming from.

However since being a parent, these stories do have a deeper impact on me personally, as I can't help but imagine that it was my kids and that hurts very deeply.

UWhatNow · 20/04/2023 17:06

MissTheMundane · 20/04/2023 16:52

As a parent.... I think if you ever become a parent, you might understand ...

Exactly. You can’t adequately explain the experience of parenthood to someone who isn’t a parent. I’ve actually cried over abuse news stories because the empathy was visceral. Before having children I would still have had empathy and thought it was awful but it’s different. Not morally superior. Just different.

Acornsoup · 20/04/2023 17:08

In this instance the person is worried that this may happen to her DC. You can sympathise, but you can not relate to the fear she has. As you have said you are sensitive to 'as a parent' references, to the point you would write an AIBU about it.

I think you know YABU (in this example), but I wonder what kind of validation you are looking for. The article wasn't written out of 'smug'ness. It sounds like you have an issue and you should probably have some help with that.

I agree there are plenty of times when it is not relevant, it is used to appeal to engage other parents. No sure why that would be offensive to you though? Daffodil

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 20/04/2023 17:08

Totally agree @LaPerduta
It's like the idiots on here who say "as a mother I'm horrified at the terrible thing that's happened to this child"
As if before giving birth they rolled hysterically in the aisles every time a child was murdered or run over.
Weirdos.

fizzybubblywater · 20/04/2023 17:11

Its because it hits close to home which is uncomfortable.

Eg. if you saw on the news that a random predator was targeting women who were of the same age as you, and looked very similar to you- exact same hair style, same build etc I am sure this would stick in your mind much more than hearing about random attacks on other people. It doesnt mean you dont care about the other people who were attacked but the fact that you have something in common with the victims of the first attacker would make much more of an emotional impact/association in your unconscious mind. Pretty obvious really and you dont have to be a psychologist to see that!

Snowjokes · 20/04/2023 17:12

In some ways I think people who say this can be demonstrating that they’re less empathetic than others. Because they’re not really thinking about that poor kid who was mugged, they’re thinking about their own kid and how awful it would be if it happened to them.