Have I f***'d up by not doing NCT/antenatal group?

[Dandelioncl0ck]

I feel like it might have been a big mistake not to do it as I've not really made any mum friends and mat leave is getting lonely!

I had a really hectic pregnancy - complications for both me and baby, bereavement, massive freelance work project that took all my time in addition to a second job, a very emotionally draining volunteer position (which I loved and was very rewarding) on top of buying a house and moving - basically just didn't seem to have any spare time/ energy to commit to a course. I canvassed friends on whether or not NCT or similar was worth it and got a very mixed response - mostly either that the course wasn't great/too preachy but they made good friends or the course wasn't great /too preachy and they didn't make any friends - so decided was probably OK not to do it and we just did the free NHS one which in our area was one online session.

People said I'd make friends at baby groups and whilst I've been going regularly with DD (4 months), and enjoy chatting to other mums, I haven't really formed any relationships beyond chit chat/acquaintance level where we see each other at the groups if we both happen to be there. A LOT of the people I've met at groups have a bit of a clique with their NCT cohort and it's very hard to break in even though their usually nice and friendly enough. Basically just feeling a bit lonely now that I'm the odd one out at all the groups we go to when everyone is hanging out separately and spend a lot of time talking about things that's been happening within their circle. I'm lucky to have my mum nearby and spend a lot of time with her and I know I'm super fortunate to have that support but would be great to form more relationships with other new mums. I have friends with older kids but they're all mostly back at work in the week.

I am naturally pretty shy but have worked hard to overcome it and put myself out there but have to admit the idea of asking someone for their number/ coffee without having a strong indication they'd be up for it does make me nervous.

Have I made a big mistake in not doing the NCT course? Is this going to be what it's like for the rest of mat leave or does it get better/ easier as it goes on?

It's a hard one. I only had a very small antenatal group but I don't see much of them. I'm a chatty person and put myself out there but I haven't made many mum friends from baby groups. Where I have made friends is from using the app Peanut. Highly recommend downloading it and see how that goes? Might be easier putting yourself forward for conversation on there once you've matched too.

Also see if there are any mum groups on Facebook in your area. I've seen mums post they're new to the area and would like to make friends and others reply to them. It can be a lonely time but keep going to groups regularly where you like the mums and hopefully after time suggest a coffee with some.

YANBU I literally don't know anyone that did NCT. Seems to be a mumsnet thing.
I have loads of mum friends but crucially I made most of them from nursery/school with my older child. So my 2nd mat leave was busy with lots of coffee dates.

Try a gym class where you bring your baby along- I found that a good place to make friends the first time round.

I think you’re being a bit hard on yourself. It sounds like you’ve made an effort with other things despiste not doing NCT.
I’m doing it at the moment and I find it really preachy and none of our group have seemed to click at all. We might meet up once babies are here but I can’t see any of us becoming good friends.
Have you tried Peanut? I’ve found that quite useful as you can chat first and seems to be used by mainly people who don’t have a group of mum friends established.

I’m quite outgoing but I think I’d even struggle to ask someone for their number to be honest. Maybe next time you’re at a group and chatting to someone you could say something like ‘I’m popping for a coffee after this if you fancy it’ or something along those lines.

I did NCT, whilst the newborn stage was great help with networking with the other mums and getting advice and socialising now and then. Throughout the year it just turned into competitive parenting was actually bad for my mental health.

I attended baby classes and made friends there. Yes people will be cliquey sometimes but it's probably because they've made friends with others there so just stick to who they know well. These classes are cyclical so you'll have the regulars moving on and new people joining so that might be a better opportunity for you. What I did was strike up small chat with some of the mums, I found one had had a similar birth experience to me, we got chatting in one class and another mum joined in and at the end I suggested we switch numbers and then we got chatting from there and I see them more as my friends than the NCT group.

The NCT classes kind of felt like a forced friendship with people I didn't have much in common with other than having a baby. The friends I made in the baby classes were of my choosing who were like-minded people which makes a big difference to longevity.

I did NCT with my first and would recommend it to anyone as i had a ready made support network once the babies were born. With my second I didn't and we had moved areas, and it was definitely lonelier. i felt, like you, that groups I went to you would meet people to chat but things didn't really develop into more. I do think you have to put yourself out there though - if you like someone then just say "do you want to go for coffee after the group".

But, also it's temporary if you go back to work.

I did a couple of antenatal classes but didn't do NCT. I think these things are quite over-rated tbh.

I think antenatal/NCT can be helpful for advice and tips and to support people dealing with the anxiety and uncertainty of pregnancy and some people do make opportunistic friendships so they're not totally worthless.

But I think the "mum friends" thing is something people over-invest in at their cost. It is good to have people with young kids as a sounding board/shoulder to cry on when you're going through sleepless nights etc. But just because someone also has a kid of the same age it doesn't mean you'll have loads in common and it's not necessarily the basis for lasting friendships. Just because people look "cliquey" in groups doesn't mean they are really friends, they're just taking advantage of knowing other people.

It's actually quite a short period in your life, particularly if you're going back to work and you won't necessarily want to be friends with them once your children go back to school. And if you're like me you'll actually be bored silly comparing notes about baby-led weaning etc after a certain point and want to talk about adult things again.

Just keep talking to the acquaintances, that how I made my mum friends. We usually only started meeting after the baby groups came to an end, which is why the NCT mums seem to form a group.

When you find a group of mums that feel like you want to be friends with them, take a mental note of something one of them says and give them a small gift relevant to their problem. Like if one says about teething problems, rave about your teether and bring a spare new one to the next session. Then they are likely to look out for you and draw you into the chat next time.

And make a point of walking back with going on the same direction with one of them if you can. Perhaps you need to walk into town or the shop or live on the same estate.

I didn't do NCT because I didn't really want baby-mum friends. I didn't (and don't) like much of the anxiety around having a baby and was happy just pottering along winging it.

Then she got a bit bigger and people start talking about other things or the toddler chat is funnier and less anxious than the baby chat. And I've just slowly made friends.

I'd say keep turning up to things. If you like someone, be brave and ask for their number. Worst case, they will just message you a couple of times and then it fizzles out.

You need to be brave and just ask another mum if they fancy meeting up for coffee. What's the worst they can say? If they say no, then it's no big deal...

My NCT group had a sad ending as one of the babies died at 11 months old, so we stopped meeting as a group as it just didn't feel right.

I met my best friend through a children's centre. She was having postnatal issues so the staff managed to get her an emergency doctors appointment, and I offered to look after her 6 month old baby until the appointment was finished! We just kinda hit it off after that despite becoming close under the most random of circumstances.

NCT groups can be quite cliquey.

I did NCT and it was a complete waste of time. The advice was total crap and the group didn’t click at all and very soon went their separate ways. So don’t beat yourself up about it. As long as you’re getting social interaction (and I do mean you, not the baby) that’s all that matters. Don’t put pressure on yourself to make friends. A lot of people I thought I was friendly with in the early years I’ve lost touch with anyway.

I didn't do any antenatal classes you cam read all about baby care online. I met friends at baby group but it was very relaxed non of the competitive crap.

I don’t know any first time parents who didn’t join an antenatal group so I think it plays a major part in maternity leave friendships. Almost 2 years on and my group still meet up with and without babies.
I know maybe 1 or 2 other girls separately so most of my friendships have been from the antenatal class.

That being said of course it’s still possible to make friends, but you do just need to put yourself out there. Even if you join baby classes the friendships won’t move past the group unless you actively do it. So get chatting to the person beside you, or a group at the end. Exchange numbers quickly and share stories, arrange a coffee after the class or invite them over to yours.
Remember that most people want more interactions with women in the same situation, so while it’s scary to suggest a coffee the reality is many of them will be jumping at the idea and glad you said it first.

I didn’t go to an NCT group as couldn’t find one in the area. But I’ve met a lot of mum friends through the app Peanut. It’s basically tinder for pregnant/new mums!
Got 4 good friends with bubs similar age to my DS we meet with regularly through that.

I didn't do antenatal when I was a FTM I only went to a baby group after she was born.

I didn’t do nct as it was online still following COVID. I wi say, most of my acquaintances have solid mum groups from nct and I’m pretty much Billy no Mates. I actually don’t mind but now dd is getting old she has no friends and it breaks my heart. Tried peanut and nothing.

I agree. The NCT information was nothing not available for free via NHS classes or books, and my group, not surprisingly (in that all we had in common was roughly simultaneous childbearing and living in north London) didn’t gel and hardly ever saw one another after the babies were born.

I did nct 15 years ago. It was helpful I. That I knew why there were about 10 people in the room when I had a emcs, but I didn't really make any lasting friends. I made my friends at mum/baby groups, swimming classes, library story time etc. Strong friendships only developed after people started going back to work, and those who wanted to stay in touch began to.

I didn't do NCT either probably more so because of covid and have been taking my daughter to baby/toddler classes and playgroups since she was 4 months (she's now 2) but I've still not made any friends. I chat and recognise the same faces and that sort of thing. I don't think I'm shy like yourself, more that I can be quite an anxious person, I overthink a lot. I would really like to make good friends with some other women but I just struggle. Anyway, I figure if I keep showing up to these things then one day it will click.

I sometimes feel so lonely and this horrible voice in my head says that no one likes me and I'm a bad person. But it's honestly not true. I just thinking if I keep plugging away it will get easier and I'm proud of myself for being brave and getting out there even though I find it hard.

Anyway, you're not the only one!

I regret doing NCT so much. It was very snobby and competitive.

I found baby groups quite a difficult environment to actually chat and make friends. Anything more aimed at babies was a structured class with little room for chatting. More free style stay and plays which are better for chatting aren’t good for newborns or small babies.

I much preferred going for coffees, picnics or an afternoon wine with the babies and antenatal group. Much more geared towards what a new mum actually needs imo.

YABU -it all depends who’s in your group. Mine was rubbish and I met People postpartum instead.

We did NCT and I spent my whole mat leave hanging out with people I met there. Not kept in touch much since end of mat leave though. I have made friends via nursery and school gates but it takes a lot more effort than NCT did.

I do also know people who did NCT and didn't hang out with anyone after. I think it depends on the group.

Nct groups are really hit and miss. I got very lucky with half of mine but a lot of my friends have never seen their nct group again. Have you tried peanut? It's a great app to meet mums!

I didn’t do NCT as I find those sort of group dynamics difficult. I’m very shy but now one of my best friends is a woman I plucked up the courage to talk to at a baby group. It does sometimes mean putting yourself out of your comfort zone! I found the best place to make friends with new mums was groups aimed at babies under one (our children’s centres do them). Groups for under fives tended to attract more second time mums and childminders who didn’t need a new tired Mum friend.