Have I f***'d up by not doing NCT/antenatal group?

[Dandelioncl0ck]

I feel like it might have been a big mistake not to do it as I've not really made any mum friends and mat leave is getting lonely!

I had a really hectic pregnancy - complications for both me and baby, bereavement, massive freelance work project that took all my time in addition to a second job, a very emotionally draining volunteer position (which I loved and was very rewarding) on top of buying a house and moving - basically just didn't seem to have any spare time/ energy to commit to a course. I canvassed friends on whether or not NCT or similar was worth it and got a very mixed response - mostly either that the course wasn't great/too preachy but they made good friends or the course wasn't great /too preachy and they didn't make any friends - so decided was probably OK not to do it and we just did the free NHS one which in our area was one online session.

People said I'd make friends at baby groups and whilst I've been going regularly with DD (4 months), and enjoy chatting to other mums, I haven't really formed any relationships beyond chit chat/acquaintance level where we see each other at the groups if we both happen to be there. A LOT of the people I've met at groups have a bit of a clique with their NCT cohort and it's very hard to break in even though their usually nice and friendly enough. Basically just feeling a bit lonely now that I'm the odd one out at all the groups we go to when everyone is hanging out separately and spend a lot of time talking about things that's been happening within their circle. I'm lucky to have my mum nearby and spend a lot of time with her and I know I'm super fortunate to have that support but would be great to form more relationships with other new mums. I have friends with older kids but they're all mostly back at work in the week.

I am naturally pretty shy but have worked hard to overcome it and put myself out there but have to admit the idea of asking someone for their number/ coffee without having a strong indication they'd be up for it does make me nervous.

Have I made a big mistake in not doing the NCT course? Is this going to be what it's like for the rest of mat leave or does it get better/ easier as it goes on?

@Sissynova yes, this.

@Dandelioncl0ck if it helps I think I beat myself up over things I decided I ‘should’ have done in my first pregnancy. I did NCT as I was pregnant throughout covid and the hospital wasn’t offering antenatal classes or anything, really!

I was one of the lucky ones and met some lovely women, although it probably can get a bit competitive sometimes . However, I’m the only one having a second and I’m not sure how that will alter the dynamics!

I always read on here that you have nothing in common with your NCT group except having babies at the same time but that’s a pretty big thing - definitely more of an ice breaker than liking the same music or enjoying Italian food!

Are there any classes that have more of a stay and chat element? I made my closest ‘mum friends’ (although now I would say they are just friends!) at a mum and baby yoga class that had a tea and chat bit at the end. Also baby massage can be good for a chat as well. But meeting outside of the class does involve basically asking someone out! Most likely some of the mums you are chatting to are having exactly the same worries about putting themselves out there and asking you for a coffee or play date

I did NCT. I only stayed in touch for the first year, didn't really 'click' with anyone. I found my NCT group a bit stuck-up, pony-having and very middle class, which I am not. I felt really out of place.
I also didn't drive at the time so it was easy to stop keeping in touch, as they would inevitably meet up in National Trust places or similar.
I went to some baby groups and made some amazing friends there. Don't get me wrong, some of them felt less welcoming, but I tried several until I found 2 I liked.
It's early days for you, try not to feel down, you have plenty of time to find some mum-friends.

Op the next time your chatting to someone at a group or offer an open invite - Anyone fancy going for coffee after here ?
Or its to be good weather on Friday anyone up for a walk in the park?

Light and airy no hard feeling if people have other plans.

I did NCT, although DS was premature so I didn’t actually attend the group till after he was born. One by one the rest of the group had their babies. It was nice for a few months, having a group of women with babies at the same stage as mine. We all got on well enough but I didn’t click with anyone particularly, and nor did any of the others I don’t think. Gradually we all returned to work and stopped meeting up, and I never saw any of them again.

So I wouldn’t worry OP. It’s a very small part of your life, and there will be plenty more opportunities to make “mum friends”. I had lots of people I was on chatting terms with from toddler groups and primary school, but I’ve only got 2 friends that I still keep in touch with from primary (mine are teens how) .

It's not too late to make mum friends!

I made a couple of good friends from a baby swimming class. I took the plunge at the end of one class to ask if anyone wanted to have a coffee afterwards in the cafe. Most said no but a few said yes. The group has evolved as people went back to work but I still see two mums regularly. So I'd say being brave (for me!) paid off. I never clicked with anyone in other baby classes so I would persevere if you've not made progress. My sister has also made friends via nursery - one parent asked for a nursery whatsapp group to be set up and the mums tend to meet up once a term for dinner. Just need some proactive people to get things started.

I did NCT and out of six couples, we only talk to one set now.

I did NCT (not for the knowledge, our course leader was mental, didn’t know anything, and as a non-breastfeeding elective section mother, I was not her bag at all) but for the friends. Of eight of us, half of us have formed a really tight friendship. But it’s not always like that, it’s sheer luck. It was all online too, so we had to make real efforts to meet up when the babies were born.

Had my eldest almost 16 years ago and I never did keep in touch with the mum friends from those early days. People move on, start their jobs after maternity, move areas, lose touch etc. It's just one of those things. I have a few photos that were taken of us all with our babies lurking around somewhere in a photo album which is lovely though. As one chapter closes, another opens.

I didn’t do an NCT course with DC1 and made no friends at all. Did one with DC2 and am really close to five of them after all these years and we message still daily and meet up at least once a week. Did another course with my last child and have a vague friendship with one person from it.

Thanks everyone for replying, some really helpful points here!

Sounds like people's experience of NCT is really hit and miss so wouldn't necessarily have meant me having a load of brilliant mates from there. At pretty much all the baby groups where I live there is a very certain demographic of over-30, middle class mums of a specific type of affluent professional that isn't my usual social circle although I'm over 30 and middle class ha.

I will definitely persevere with just showing up for the social interaction and hope that an opportunity for getting to know people I like a bit better presents itself. Walking home together or suggesting a coffee after the group is a good idea but in practice people always seem to be rushing out at different times due to naps/ crying/ changing/ other engagements (myself included) so doesn't seem to be a good opportunity. But I'll keep trying! And maybe branch out to some different activities too.

I've been wondering about peanut, have never done online /app dating so it feels super alien to me! What have people's experiences of it been like?

My area has an NCT organised meet up at a local pub during the daytime each week. You don't have to be a member, just show up. There might be something similar in your area? I found the council run playgroups and library story times friendlier groups for under 1s. Also something like baby massage, ask the teacher beforehand if people booking know each other or not, as it's a more intimate activity usually at someone's home, you are more likely to strike up a conversation easily and can go for a walk after etc.

@Dandelioncl0ck I’ve used it a lot through pregnancy, baby isn’t here yet so not sure on that side.
There are ‘groups’ you can join local to your area and there’s always people posting in my area for meet ups so you could try that. I always see posts with responses and people seem to actually meet.

It’s also swiping profiles which I did find a bit weird at first but I just tend to swipe yes to anyone who is at a similar stage to me. So I guess you’d keep an eye out for people with similar age babies. Chatted to quite a few mums to be, it’s good as your can gauge if you actually have anything in common first and then suggest a meet up. A bit less daunting than approaching someone at a group.

I didn't do NCT/childbirth classes or baby classes - I still have friends! Went to a local "new-mum" meetup group a couple of times where we'd have coffee and take out babies for walks in the local park, and that was about it.

I'm always a bit baffled by baby classes - I had a baby not a personality transplant, so why would I suddenly want to spent my time sitting around saying hello to the corn and singing wheels on the bus?

I did NCT, I didn’t find the advice that useful but it was nice to have a ready made group of ‘mum friends’. I like everyone in the sense that no one is bitchy and we try and give each other useful advice, and it’s good to get recommendations for local stuff to do from them. However I don’t feel like I really click with any of them so I don’t see them that regularly. However I want to keep in touch so DC has a few play dates so make the effort for that reason more than for me. Some of the others seem more similar and meet more regularly outside the all group meet ups.

I had a baby not a personality transplant, so why would I suddenly want to spent my time sitting around saying hello to the corn and singing wheels on the bus

Because it’s a baby class, not a mummy class! They are fairly portable at this age so if yoga or exercise or walks are more your thing, that’s fine too!

Peanut is like Tinder 😂 I've made two mum group friends on it, one small and one that's now large as people were added into it. If you make friends on peanut check if you have friends in common then you could consider making a group of it. We dont meet up as much now as our babies are older but we still chat and try meet up every so often. Out of all the mum groups I have I'm probably only close with a few of them. But that doesn't matter and it's nice to chat and compare stages and hard times that other friends dont understand. I also find the play groups easier to chat rather than the organised classes. See what church play groups you have nearby, I enjoy them as they're usually chilled and cheap but they're not usually as well advertised.

I'm always a bit baffled by baby classes - I had a baby not a personality transplant, so why would I suddenly want to spent my time sitting around saying hello to the corn and singing wheels on the bus?

I find these types of comments really weird. If you never plan to do anything specifically for your child because it’s what babies enjoy then why have one?
I’m really now one to subscribe to the mummy martyr thing but like you have a baby, sometimes it isn’t all about you? Most likely the baby wants to see new faces and hear the wheels on the bus.

I did NCT and made two longer term mum friends from it (DS is 2.5 now). I did have other mum friends but none of them really lasted (but it doesn't mean these places couldn't work for you), these came from:

• playgroup: people I can chat to in the street but only really socialise with at playgroup.

• swimming classes: made one friend that I hung out with after class for approx. one year but it fizzled out.

• friends of friends: a couple of people I vaguely knew through other friends. One of these lasted until she had a second child with complications and she just openly admitted that she didn't have capacity for friends anymore and just wanted to spend time with family. The second one was more of a homebody and I got tired of dragging her out.

Of course you haven't! I went to an ante-natal class with my husband and we both quite enjoyed it but didn't learn anything you couldn't read in a book and nowadays, what you can find online.

I wasn't worried about making 'mum friends', I had friends and enjoyed going to work up until I had my baby, and after a while, returned to work. I can't say I ever gave that a thought! It was a happy, busy time.

Don't worry about it.

How old is baby? I regretted not doing NCT antenatal group after DS1 was born, so I joined and NCT postnatal group instead and made mum friends that way. I think most of the babies were v young though

I’m a massive introvert and have always found baby/toddler groups really hard. I often find there are already cliques within the group and it’s hard to start up conversations as a result, personally felt intimidated by it anyway so struggled. Didn’t do any antenatal classes either and don’t feel like I missed out on much really. Will be honest and say I don’t enjoy small talk,
especially not about children. I love my DC obviously but I really don’t want to talk to people about nappies and nap times!

NCT seems like my worst nightmare so I wouldn't have ever gone. I already have friends with kids though so don't feel any need to make Mum friends. I did do some baby groups but didn't really connect with any other mums

Is there a park local to your baby groups? Asking a couple of mum's if they want to go to the park with the kids for half an hour after the group ends is perfect as the weather warms up.

Nct used to do mums and babies groups and postnatal courses. We only met 5 other couples and some of those returned to work or moved so it became more distant.