Have I f***'d up by not doing NCT/antenatal group?

[Dandelioncl0ck]

I feel like it might have been a big mistake not to do it as I've not really made any mum friends and mat leave is getting lonely!

I had a really hectic pregnancy - complications for both me and baby, bereavement, massive freelance work project that took all my time in addition to a second job, a very emotionally draining volunteer position (which I loved and was very rewarding) on top of buying a house and moving - basically just didn't seem to have any spare time/ energy to commit to a course. I canvassed friends on whether or not NCT or similar was worth it and got a very mixed response - mostly either that the course wasn't great/too preachy but they made good friends or the course wasn't great /too preachy and they didn't make any friends - so decided was probably OK not to do it and we just did the free NHS one which in our area was one online session.

People said I'd make friends at baby groups and whilst I've been going regularly with DD (4 months), and enjoy chatting to other mums, I haven't really formed any relationships beyond chit chat/acquaintance level where we see each other at the groups if we both happen to be there. A LOT of the people I've met at groups have a bit of a clique with their NCT cohort and it's very hard to break in even though their usually nice and friendly enough. Basically just feeling a bit lonely now that I'm the odd one out at all the groups we go to when everyone is hanging out separately and spend a lot of time talking about things that's been happening within their circle. I'm lucky to have my mum nearby and spend a lot of time with her and I know I'm super fortunate to have that support but would be great to form more relationships with other new mums. I have friends with older kids but they're all mostly back at work in the week.

I am naturally pretty shy but have worked hard to overcome it and put myself out there but have to admit the idea of asking someone for their number/ coffee without having a strong indication they'd be up for it does make me nervous.

Have I made a big mistake in not doing the NCT course? Is this going to be what it's like for the rest of mat leave or does it get better/ easier as it goes on?

My NCT group was great but I know people who never saw their group at all afterwards.

I second peanut and if you’re on Facebook I often see new mums posting to see if anyone fancies a walk etc. and there are always lots of takers.

I hope you find some mum friends soon, I’m a bit of an introvert so know how it can feel at baby groups when everyone seems to know each other.

I didn’t either and I definitely felt very lonely at first. I went along to the same baby and toddler groups regularly and gradually made some nice friends. It was hard to penetrate NCT groups. I wouldn’t bother, there will be other people.

With my second I did NCT and made a few friends. Only one is still a close friend. The others drifted off. Sometimes I felt slightly stifled by all the things they wanted to do together. I did stuff to be sociable but realised I am quite an introvert after all.

I did NCT, mainly because I was living away from family at the time and didn't really know anyone with babies. I met the most amazing women who literally kept me sane during mat leave. It was a quite middle class area with loads of blow ins so it was the norm to do Nct during pregnancy. The course itself was crap though imo.

I liked my NCT group and it was useful, but quite honestly the friendships were a bit artificial and haven’t lasted - it was nice to have people to hang out with and they were nice ladies, but ultimately we’ve all drifted since our kids hit school age and went to different schools. I found that I made some friends second time around on maternity leave when I was largely going to toddler groups with my oldest. I made one really close friend there, and now have enough Mums that I’m friendly with that I can usually find someone to chat to at any activity my kids do.

The NCT course content was extremely basic and I didn't really learn anything but 3.5 years I regularly meet up with them with and without their kids and new babies. I found it totally invaluable as I didn't really know anyone in the area despite living there for a few years. I met my closest mum friend at the playground. I'm totally introverted and anxious and I plucked up the courage to ask for her number (which was a huge deal for me and I honestly was so proud) and we have met up every week since and even went on holiday together.

The worst thing that someone can say is no, and you never know you might find someone who you really get on with! There's also the peanut app you could try. Good luck xx

I did NCT and while the content was useful, the group as a whole wasn't very nice. Lots of competitive behaviour and bitchiness. I decided to walk away as it was making me miserable and anxious.
Keep doing what you're doing and I'm sure you'll make friends. If there's a Facebook group for baby groups you go to, you could always post there with an idea for a meet up in between and ask people to DM you, so no one knows if noone replies (which seems unlikely)

I don't think antenatal groups are guaranteed to click.

There were 7 folk in mine. Me and one other woman are close friends but we don't see the others.

I know two of the others remain close in another group of just the two of them but basically they threw a strop because the rest of us were pro breastfeeding (NOT anti formula- my own son had it for the first few days as I was so ill) but seemed to take all of us cheering each other on in the WhatsApp as some sort of personal attack.

Personally I hate that type of thing. I like to get to know people slowly and organically; in groups like that I tend to withdraw.

I know it's awkward, but ask people out for a coffee. If you're chatting at playgroups, ask for their number for a playdate at yours etc. At least that way you get to pick who you hang out with.

Most people I know aren't in touch with their NCT friends a few years down the line. And the ones that are are the kind of people who can make friends with anyone.

I really wouldn't worry about it. Once your back at work, you'll care less and less about mum friends and may even be grateful you don't have to hear all the boasting and moaning so often 🤭

Try the peanut app then you can specifically meet mums who are keen to make friends?

The NCT group I attended was run by a fervent anti-midwife nut job. By contrast the antenatal class, run by a midwife was much more informative and practical.

I hated my NCT group leader, proper judgey cow who was really anti science and spoke some absolute tosh, and the rest of the group were so, SO annoying.

We didn't finish the course, never caught up with any of them and wish we hadn't wasted the money.

I did antenatal classes (weren't any NCT available so was via Daisy) haven't kept in touch with any mums via that although have bumped into them now and again. Have made a couple of Mum friends from groups - the most useful ones for making friends have been outdoor nature based ones (tree babies) - everyone seemed more chatty. And the local tots groups low cost based in community hall and churches. The franchised baby groups have been fab for my little one but as others have said not really a chance to chat. The demographic changes loads each term - some terms reallt chatty and friendly. Other terms keep themselves to themselves or stick to a friend they've obviously booked on with. I've stumbled across a few 'walking mums' groups that meet at parks and pram walk etc and they seem really good for making friends also xx

I also made friends more easily at outdoor things, weirdly. E.g parent/child forest school sessions.

I did a couple of antenatal things, not NCT, and most people from them sort of drifted away. I still see two from pregnancy yoga, but not much. I remember feeling like you that I'd chosen badly. Early classes didn't yield much, but a woman from a class at 6 months eventually became a really good friend. Not so much the class, but you keep bumping into the same faces again and again, so acquaintances form and then friendships. It'll get easier once you're doing more; I strongly suggest church playgroup, much cheaper and remember the mums with a 10 month or 1 month old will be in your kid's yeargroup, so worth getting.the broader age range. Good luck!

NCT isn’t everything it’s cracked up to be. I’ve made one really good friend and a handful of acquaintances through NCT. It’s hard building a network but it’s early days for you, and you are doing all the right things. If they are friendly NCT people, they will invite you along, or just suggest coffee after a group and see who bites!

I think it’s really common to feel like we’ve made the wrong decisions about this sort of thing, it’s just mum guilt, you haven’t screwed up at all.

Our NCT group has fizzled out really. I’ve made some mum friends locally in our village, for example one through a baby massage course I did and one through mum and baby yoga. Try to find the other mum who’s not talking to anyone else. Sit next to them, be friendly. There will be others out there who are looking to make friends. I agree the cliques can make you feel so much worse if you’re feeling lonely.

Thanks so much for the supportive comments everyone, really encouraging to know I'm not alone and that these things can just take a lot of time and effort! I do two church baby groups which are great and used to go to a breastfeeding support group but feel like I probably need to stop that one as its full of much younger babies and people with actual issues that need solving whereas I've finally got that sorted at least...

I bit the bullet and downloaded peanut, find it so weird 😅 but have "connected" with a few people already so we'll see if that comes to anything...

@Dandelioncl0ck Beastfeeding group is one of the best for meeting friends. Mine became known as "boob group" we had a What's Group called that before it got a name change - when the babies were about 3.

I got very lucky with my antenatal group - there’s 6 of us and we’re still great friends over a decade later.

But many other people I know have had totally the opposite experience, it really is just luck of the draw whether you get people you click with.

Similarly, I haven’t ‘clicked’ with any school mums particularly since my eldest started schools and other people I know have made a whole gang of new mates.

DW attended one NCT group when expecting DC1 and said "sod that for a game of soldiers" (words to that effect anyway) and never went to another either with DC1 or DC2.

If you don't want to go, don't. You're not missing anything, I suggest.

I can't say it would appeal to me, Eustace. I did go to antenatal classes with my husband but it wasn't chatty, it was pleasant and informative which suited me well. I had friends already and very much enjoyed the company of people with whom I worked; most of them were parents but we weren't together in order to form a coterie. That sort of thing always strikes me as claustrophobic, I'd want to get out and run! However it is obviously useful for some, different strokes and all that.

Oh made no dfeincs at antenatal groups but made loads at baby groups, breastfeeding support groups. I searched out all the free and cheap groups, in church halls, Salvation Army etc, you quickly meet the same mums here and there and friendships happen. I am not normally an extrovert but had to make friends.

I didn’t do antenatal group but made good mum friends at baby yoga / massage / singsong classes after baby was born. It’s not too late!

Arent there other apps you can join (mush?)

Or contact the course coordinator and ask them to send round a message saying that you're organising going out for a coffee after the next session if anyone wants to join (I think at baby classes its hard to talk much unless there is a lot of free play time)