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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

My cousin's wife .. something sinister going on

90 replies

itsgottoberibena · 20/04/2023 10:52

Why do you think is going on here and how can I support him without becoming involved.
I'm very concerned for him and his two kids

They are together nearly thirty years.
He is my childhood friend / distant cousin.
They have two beautiful children 12/14.
They were happy until five years ago when his career rocketed to global CEO status of a an IT company.
She also worked in similar area,
Not at such a high level as they decided that she would work part time
Because of kids etc and it worked well.
They have the beautiful home and holidays and cars etc ... all the superficial stuff.

However in the last two years , she has started in the gym and making new male friends. Texting others beside him in bed .

Drinking hugely , blacking out, losing her belongings, not coming home, attending sex / swing parties and sexting other men.
Has lost interest in the kids.
All new friends , has fallen out with her family ,
She has also expressed feelings for an old boyfriend.
Mood swings off the charts.

She is 48 so I was thinking peri or meno .

My friend is gutted although he saw this go on , to a point , in his own parents marriage where they stayed together until the end

What is going on here ?
How can I support him. He is going to counselling .

OP posts:
Yummymummy2020 · 20/04/2023 10:55

I don’t think you can do much but have an ear available to him. It sounds like a really awful situation but ultimately he will have to decide that he wants to leave, and maybe with the counselling he will.

itsgottoberibena · 20/04/2023 11:37

I hear him talk about his parents patterns and that he is essentially repeating them .
He is worried about her but he is lonely and is craving comfort and company .
They have exchanged solicitors letters now .

OP posts:
FormerlyPathologicallyHappy · 20/04/2023 13:14

Well she's cheating on him in plain sight. He should let her go, if you want to be single then be single.

Nimbostratus100 · 20/04/2023 13:17

you need to keep out of it, beyond being a friendly ear - although if you are hearing all this from him, then tbh I suspect you are a "friendly ear" he is manipulating

Nimbostratus100 · 20/04/2023 13:18

how do you know who she is texting when she is in bed with her husband? back away slowly......

Doingmybest12 · 20/04/2023 13:21

Cocain

BennyBlancofromtheBronx · 20/04/2023 13:22

What are the solicitors letters? Are they getting divorced?

Sunnyjac · 20/04/2023 13:22

Why on earth would it be linked to her being peri- or menopausal?!

AndTheSurveySays · 20/04/2023 13:22

Either a drug habit or a mental illness like bipolar.

ChickpeaPie · 20/04/2023 13:23

I don’t get what there is to discuss- she’s cheating on him, it’s between them as a couple to work out

iamnottoofatiamjusttooshort · 20/04/2023 13:24

Dear god

Why blame the menopause for such appalling behaviour

If this is true then he should be adult enough to get out

My menopause consisted of hairy legs sweaty boob rash and a desire to kill anyone that came to close

No sexting swinging or wild parties

Riverlee · 20/04/2023 13:29

If you were des riding the husbands behaviour in that way, the automatic response would be ‘he’’s having an affair, visiting prostitutes etc.

Shes obviously checked out of the marriage for whatever reason. affair? Drugs? Dementia? What’s precipitated this we don’t know. Maybe going to the gym has increased her circle of friends, and she’s discovered a new world out there. Maybe she felt stifled in her perfect marriage. Maybe he’s had an affair. Maybe your friend is controlling - often they’re lovely when with others but can be subtly abusive when at home.

You say he is craving company and comfort. Be careful you’re not inadvertently treading on emotional affair territory here.

Dithyramb · 20/04/2023 13:33

ChickpeaPie · 20/04/2023 13:23

I don’t get what there is to discuss- she’s cheating on him, it’s between them as a couple to work out

This. I was waiting for the ‘something sinister’. Hardly that, it’s a not unusual situation, if messy.

I must admit I’d be interested to hear whether the OP’s cousin’s wife saw her life as fragrant wife of the rocket-careered CEO in quite such glowing terms, especially if the unhappiness started five years ago when ‘they’ decided she should go PT to facilitate his rise.

carly2803 · 20/04/2023 13:33

drugs
and another man or 10

but why isnt he chucking her out? shes cheating?

hope he has an STI?STD test!

ThatFraggle · 20/04/2023 13:34

You don't know what goes on in their marriage. All you know is what your friend says slagging off his wife. Offer support but don't get into the blow by blow details.

xyxygy · 20/04/2023 13:45

Put bluntly...not your problem. Your job comes afterwards, with the cleanup and aftermath of the inevitable.

Just be there when he needs you, simple as that.

As for the wife? That's a classic mid-life crisis, reverting to things she thinks she missed out on as a 20-something combined with regret over life choices she can't take back. I suspect there's a certain element of "I'm set for life, because I'll get half of everything he has" built in there, too, so she doesn't even need to feel the consequences and her new lifestyle can continue unhindered.

But, ultimately...you don't really need to care about her problems. She's already made her decision and she's comfortable with what she thinks will happen.

WitcheryDivine · 20/04/2023 13:46

If genuine (as in, he is giving you a full account of her behaviour that is true, and he genuinely doesn't know why) it sounds like either drugs/alcohol, MH problems or just being a crazy cat who has had enough of boring family life and is looking to leave the marriage.

There are other options that PP have suggested, including that he is lying about some or all of it, and that he does know the cause/it is more complicated than that e.g. they decided together to visit sex clubs, or he had an affair and she is struggling to deal with it.

The real question is why do you think it's up to you to support him? You're a distant cousin/childhood friend so I don't really see how you can help (apart from being there on the end of the phone when shit goes down) and quite honestly I don't really see what your part in this is. If this was me I doubt any of my childhood friends would even know, or have any involvement if they did beyond saying "leave her". It strikes a weird vibe that he's crying on your shoulder in such intimate detail about this - do you think he's trying to attract your sympathy? or hoping to form a relationship with you?

Goodread1 · 20/04/2023 13:55

It's good for him that he has a genuine friend in you He can talk to you too

kittensinthekitchen · 20/04/2023 14:00

AndTheSurveySays · 20/04/2023 13:22

Either a drug habit or a mental illness like bipolar.

Or she's just a cheat 🙄 and a mess.

Why are some people so keen to make excuses for her behaviour? I can almost guarantee different responses if it were a man.

Redebs · 20/04/2023 14:01

ThatFraggle · 20/04/2023 13:34

You don't know what goes on in their marriage. All you know is what your friend says slagging off his wife. Offer support but don't get into the blow by blow details.

Definitely this.

Nounoufgs · 20/04/2023 14:03

Mid life crisis

Mummyoflittledragon · 20/04/2023 14:05

kittensinthekitchen · 20/04/2023 14:00

Or she's just a cheat 🙄 and a mess.

Why are some people so keen to make excuses for her behaviour? I can almost guarantee different responses if it were a man.

The same sort of thing would be said about a man if he were mainly stable at least from the outside looking in. She’s being very self destructive. There can also be small or not so small signs that people minimise or ignore beforehand.

FishChipsMushyPeas · 20/04/2023 14:05

Im not sure what this has to do to you to be honest.

Crumpleton · 20/04/2023 14:08

Menopausal?
I'm Menopausal and could just about muster up a hot chocolate drink and a half decent night's sleep.

MuddledMindy · 20/04/2023 14:14

I'd say keep your nose out and stop throwing ridiculous suggestions like menopause around!