My cousin's wife .. something sinister going on

[itsgottoberibena]

Why do you think is going on here and how can I support him without becoming involved.
I'm very concerned for him and his two kids

They are together nearly thirty years.
He is my childhood friend / distant cousin.
They have two beautiful children 12/14.
They were happy until five years ago when his career rocketed to global CEO status of a an IT company.
She also worked in similar area,
Not at such a high level as they decided that she would work part time
Because of kids etc and it worked well.
They have the beautiful home and holidays and cars etc ... all the superficial stuff.

However in the last two years , she has started in the gym and making new male friends. Texting others beside him in bed .

Drinking hugely , blacking out, losing her belongings, not coming home, attending sex / swing parties and sexting other men.
Has lost interest in the kids.
All new friends , has fallen out with her family ,
She has also expressed feelings for an old boyfriend.
Mood swings off the charts.

She is 48 so I was thinking peri or meno .

My friend is gutted although he saw this go on , to a point , in his own parents marriage where they stayed together until the end

What is going on here ?
How can I support him. He is going to counselling .

You’ve obviously not yet reached the menopausal years to come to that conclusion.
99% of us can barely muster up the enthusiasm to engage in conversations with people let alone become a swinger and start shagging around.

For some reason a lot of MNers suggest “peri” or “meno” when a woman shows signs of mental illness or weird behaviour 🙄 It’s awful, another symptom of society’s belief in women’s flakiness.
More likely this woman has either developed a drug habit or she’s simply had enough of her marriage and is off having affairs.

Me too

Blimey what a thread, so far she’s suffering one or all of the following; perimenopause, menopause, bipolar or dementia! Or maybe she’s just bored to fucking tears after thirty years of supporting him after they 🙄 decided she would look after the kids whilst he got to keep his stellar career as a CEO.

Yet if a woman posted on here about her husband it is taken as gospel truth. MN double standards as usual.

or more likely your cousin is cheating and priming you to blame his wife.

When a woman is posting this kind of thing on here she's usually talking in the first person e.g. "I found texts on my husband's phone and realised he'd been texting other women while in bed with me". This poster is saying she's been told that by this guy, which you'll probably agree is a bit different.

I don't know who fancies who but it's highly unusual for a man to confide his deepest marital troubles and sexual things about his wife to another woman, if my brother was telling me this I'd be absolutely astonished. On the other hand it's exactly the sort of thing that men tell women they want to sleep with, to generate sympathy. Cousins can and do actually get married in the UK you know, and while most of us wouldn't do that "distant cousin" could mean absolutely anything from "mum's cousin" to - "granny's cousin's stepson's half brother".

The reason I added , in my opening post originally , that he is my cousin and one of my oldest friends, was to dispel any idea of a romantic interest.
I really do despair sometimes .
The over riding advice is to butt out so I guess I'll tell him to seek counselling... couples or otherwise .
Thanks

Mind your own beeswax, lots of couples go through periods of dissatisfaction/open marriages, some separate, some don't.

They ll figure out their future without anyone needing to gossip about them on the Internet.

OP I think you might have had a namechange fail.
But also I'm another one that has heard one side of a couple story often enough to know that with the best will in the world it is biased. Also that it rarely involves the best will in the world by the time it gets to accusations of cheating, whether or not that bit is true.

Mind your own business OP, if he wants help he will ask, not your place to start stirring.

Honestly I don't think she is cheating because she wouldn't clearly be open about it and talking to him about her feeling towards other men if she was.

They seemingly either agree to an open relationship (which it seems they have as they are living it) or they split. If he has gone along with this to force her to stay and resents it then its not healthy but his feelings are on him not her for explaining she wants something different. If they aren't compatible you just have to accept it.

I have a friend in a relationship like this, I find it weird but its non of my business they decided on it and despite the fact she tells me far more than I need or want to know its their CHOICE.

It sounds like he is just venting to you, maybe hes not as happy as he pretends to be but thats on HIM to communicate to her not you and he has to accept she will likely leave.

Its the same way I know people who vent to their family/friends about every little argument with their boyfriend but its the friends/family who get shot in the neck when the speak out and are 'unsupportive' because its just 'venting' and 'drama' not real issues and they don't actually want a white knight charging in on their private business.

I guess all you can do is change the subject so your not involved in something thats non of your business and eventually support him if the do split.

Hmm …

🤔

That’s not what ‘sinister’ means, @itsgottoberibena.

(Sinister would be, for example, the husband’s cousin slowly poisoning his wife so the cousin could have him for herself … Lighthearted emoji.

Sex parties during menopause!! The woman’s an oddity - any sex during the menopause made me 🤢

There's absolutely nothing you can do about this other than to offer a supportive ear but to bear in mind you've only heard one side of the story. Don't get involved: it won't end well.

I'm clearly doing the menopause wrong

What a relief, I thought it was just me!😅

Do you not understand the difference between first-hand and second/third-hand?

If drpet posts: my husband/wife does xyz, we believe that the person posting is giving as close to the truth as they are able to. What's the point of asking for advice if you deliberately misrepresent the situation? Sure, some people probably come on for sympathy or to bash and vent, but overall we take people's word.

Now if drbash posted: my male friend said xyz about his marriage, then 1. There is a tried and tested old formula from people trying to have an affair: "my spouse doesn't understand me." So instantly there would be a question of motivation. (Being 'cousins' doesn't negate an affair. It's not common but cousin marriages happen. Look at the Queen). And given modern families, there might not even be a blood relation, meaning for some people the 'taboo' is gone.

Then, 2. even if the guy is telling his truth about how bad his wife is, you really don't know what her side is. Maybe he's addicted to my little pony porn, and that's what derailed the marriage, but he leaves that tidbit out. Or, much more common, he was just a useless husband and parent and his wife got the ick. Another common offering from advice columns = the guy suggested an open marriage hoping to bag hotties. Then he realised no one wants a middle aged dad-bod guy. But the woman easily finds partners. Cue massive tantrum from the bloke.

Even if women post about other people's relationships, the advice is still usually to wind your neck in.

You can’t really do much other than be there for him ultimately. You can’t force him to leave if he doesn’t want to, it’s his choice.

Surely she doesn’t fancy him if they are cousins?

Well you can mind your own business unless he asks for your help.
Do not get involved in other people's marriages!

OP name change mid way? @itchyhands3 ?

OK, so he has a 'crazy', 'cheating' wife who gave up her career to facilitate his and has 'fallen out with' his family members, started going to the gym and communicating with others rather than staying at home to be the dutiful sahm.

That could very easily be scene setting for him suddenly finding 'friendship' with another woman. Like you describe yourself as in the OP.

There have been lots of posts on MN about women having raging libidos in peri-menopause.

"As for the posters questuining whether OP fancies her cousin I despair."

And again, this. If her cousin was female I don't think she'd be getting all the 'mind your own business' answers. There is an element of MN that thinks men and women should be completely segregated.
It's her business because her cousin is asking her for support.

" it might be counterproductive for your cousin to be in the habit of looking to you for emotional support."

Why? Getting emotional support from friends and relatives is pretty normal and actually might be the only thing keeping the cousin from being completely depressed!