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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a bit cheeky, right?

69 replies

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:27

I've been a SAHP since our DC were born.

Youngest will be heading off to Reception next year.

I have decided to preempt this by doing some training courses etc. so once I have more time I can go back to work part time (at least).

My old area of employment won't suit as it's office based. So after discussion with DH I've decided to do something that allows me to be self employed and most importantly of all, flexible, as DH travels for work.

I've found a one day course which is just what I've been after. It's in a months time, 10-4, so I'll be out for the day.

This means DH will have to do the school run for the day. ONE DAY.

He's asked if I can find another date as it's on a Tuesday and that means he'll have to ask his colleague to cover the first five minutes of his meeting.

I'm really quite irritated by this. I've given him a months notice, he never has to do the school run, and it's absolutely no issue for his colleague to cover five minutes at the start of a meeting.

I've told him this is the date that I'm going and have booked it. This doesn't fill me with hope for when I'm back working and he has to be more flexible with his work schedule Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:31

Also to add, when I looked at weekend course there were also some grumbles of discontent about working all week and then having no weekend downtime.

I feel like I can't win!

OP posts:
Jellyx · 19/04/2023 14:33

It's a bit weird to grumble over a meeting being delayed 5minutes. Is there something else he's upset about?

It's simple to change a meeting time by 15mins or let people know you'll arrive slightly late.

MuggleMe · 19/04/2023 14:34

Could DC go in breakfast club that day?

UsethisUsername · 19/04/2023 14:34

I think he is being totally unreasonable!

However please tell me what this job is as it sounds like the holy grail! 😀

SunshineGeorgie · 19/04/2023 14:34

Sounds like you are going to be in for a rough ride at each obstacle!

Good luck

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:36

I feel it's ridiculous tbh.

To some extent I understand because it's a big meeting he chairs, but in life stuff comes up, and some flexibility has to be applied.

He said if it were any other day it wouldn't be an issue

OP posts:
Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:38

Youngest is in nursery which doesn't offer a breakfast club and tbh I feel he could suck it up for one day and sort it in his own.

Rather than me swooping on and making it all okay for him by arranging breakfast clubs etc for our shared children

OP posts:
OrigamiOwls · 19/04/2023 14:41

I think this is a glimpse of the future... If you start working he isn't going to put himself out in anyway to help with his child.

SinnerBoy · 19/04/2023 14:42

Hmm. He's right, I'm sure it's much easier for you to get the college to rearrange the day they teach the course, than it is for him to have the meeting put back by a few minutes!

😃

Ifkip · 19/04/2023 14:49

Good luck. It's taken 16 years of trying to get my husband to get balance right. Its good now, but Jesus, looking back I think what a waste of my life spending all my time and energy trying to get him to take equal responsibility for our children. Bitter? Yes I am! My advice is sit down and have a very serious conversation about this now. You've already sacrificed your previous career. Time for him to start being a responsible adult and equal partner. P.s. recognise I may be projecting some of my anger here 😬

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 14:50

Put yr child with a childminder(they follow the same curriculum as a nursery) then child can do hours that suit, without infringing on hubby’s meeting.

lanthanum · 19/04/2023 14:56

You might suggest that he look at whether the meeting could move 10/15 minutes later as a permanent thing, so that the same issue doesn't arise if you are ill and he needs to do the school run. There might even be other people who attend the meeting who would appreciate this for similar reasons. If he chairs it, surely he has some say?

Are there other parents locally who might be willing to share the school run? Even if so, you could try putting the ball in his court: "I'm booked on that course, so you'll need to do the school run; if it's going to be a problem then you could try asking X."

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:58

I won't be changing my children's childcare to make DH life easier.

DC is happy at their nursery and DH is going to have to learn that he's part of a team, and that means being flexible for everyone's benefit.

I can't be any more available for him and our children than I already am.

As posters have said this is a glimpse in to the future. So I'm stamping on it now

OP posts:
Dillydollydingdong · 19/04/2023 15:00

Can't he book a days holiday?

Paq · 19/04/2023 15:01

I think he's just gotten used to you being the default parent without him having to think very much. It's an adjustment for him.

Get a babysitter and go out for a few hours with no distractions and talk it all out. If you are going back to work he absolutely has to step up more at home.

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 15:04

@Paq yes that's exactly what it is. We've discussed previously.

I'd be happy to go back to an office job but am doing something that will allow me to continue being the default parent, as he is a high earner, it makes sense on paper.

As for him taking a day off. Not a chance 😂

OP posts:
Colourmylifewith · 19/04/2023 15:05

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:58

I won't be changing my children's childcare to make DH life easier.

DC is happy at their nursery and DH is going to have to learn that he's part of a team, and that means being flexible for everyone's benefit.

I can't be any more available for him and our children than I already am.

As posters have said this is a glimpse in to the future. So I'm stamping on it now

Good on you, if you carry on doing it he will accept that this is how it is, your career is important too, you’ve already been the one making sacrifices

justanothermum94 · 19/04/2023 15:05

Paq · 19/04/2023 15:01

I think he's just gotten used to you being the default parent without him having to think very much. It's an adjustment for him.

Get a babysitter and go out for a few hours with no distractions and talk it all out. If you are going back to work he absolutely has to step up more at home.

Yep I totally agree with this. It's an adjustment for him - he's been fortunate not to have to consider this before but now he'll have to change that, and I guess any change takes a bit of time and getting used to!

What's he like if you're unwell / something comes up and you can't do school run etc? I'm a SAHP and my husband doesn't have to think about flexibility too much yet, but when I've been unwell or had an appointment etc then he always steps in and makes alternatives arrangements with work so he can take the kids and do what needs doing in the house.

HanSB · 19/04/2023 15:08

Didn't you know his work trumps yours?? It's in a month's time, he can move his meeting to 15 minutes later, it's not a big deal. However moving forwards he needs to shift his perspective if you are both going to be working and balance life/work/child duties/chores in a way that is fair and acceptable for both of you

Proudofitbabe · 19/04/2023 15:11

Can't you do the morning run if your course doesn't start until 10? Then he's not missing any of the meeting but can presumably do the pickup.

IForgotMyUsernameAgain · 19/04/2023 15:18

I feel your pain OP!

DH is one of the directors in his company so he has the ultimate say over his hours. In some ways he's very good, in that he does work flexibly around my hours to manage the child pick ups etc. But even though he has it blocked out in his work diary, his colleagues have a habit of occasionally putting meetings in and he never says no!

I can't work out if he has told them that he has a vague commitment to childcare on that slot but it can be managed if necessary (i.e. fall to me) or if he just works with other people who just don't get it. Either way, it's frustrating and I've had to effectively have a temper tantrum before to get things resolved.

You need to stick to your guns on this one and lay it all out for him. The days where you are the default parent are over.

IdealisticCynic · 19/04/2023 15:22

He/his presence is either important enough that he can move the meeting by 10/15 minutes or not important enough such that someone else can chair it for that period. Especially with a month’s notice! Either way, there’s a solution which allows you to attend your course and he should stop being ridiculous.

Seas164 · 19/04/2023 15:24

He is telling you clearly that five minutes of his meeting is a higher priority than your course.

He likes things how they are, and doesn't support the change. And so begins the uphill push. Do what you need to do, don't let his roadblocks get in your way.

Ohyesthankyouglitter · 19/04/2023 15:24

Why is everyone being so aggressive to DH?
When you're used to doing things a set way, it always takes some adjustment to realise you can do things differently/be flexible. He's just not used to thinking like that - he hasn't needed to for all these years. He's not necessarily an arsehole.

If you come down on him like a tonne of bricks, trying to make a point, it'll make it a tension point. Just talk to him - tell him how it felt from your end when he reacted like that, ask him what was going on for him etc.

You're a team, don't pit yourself against him right from the get-go.

Colourmylifewith · 19/04/2023 15:27

Ohyesthankyouglitter · 19/04/2023 15:24

Why is everyone being so aggressive to DH?
When you're used to doing things a set way, it always takes some adjustment to realise you can do things differently/be flexible. He's just not used to thinking like that - he hasn't needed to for all these years. He's not necessarily an arsehole.

If you come down on him like a tonne of bricks, trying to make a point, it'll make it a tension point. Just talk to him - tell him how it felt from your end when he reacted like that, ask him what was going on for him etc.

You're a team, don't pit yourself against him right from the get-go.

It isn’t the get go though, he has had years of g it s career not being impacted

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