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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is a bit cheeky, right?

69 replies

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:27

I've been a SAHP since our DC were born.

Youngest will be heading off to Reception next year.

I have decided to preempt this by doing some training courses etc. so once I have more time I can go back to work part time (at least).

My old area of employment won't suit as it's office based. So after discussion with DH I've decided to do something that allows me to be self employed and most importantly of all, flexible, as DH travels for work.

I've found a one day course which is just what I've been after. It's in a months time, 10-4, so I'll be out for the day.

This means DH will have to do the school run for the day. ONE DAY.

He's asked if I can find another date as it's on a Tuesday and that means he'll have to ask his colleague to cover the first five minutes of his meeting.

I'm really quite irritated by this. I've given him a months notice, he never has to do the school run, and it's absolutely no issue for his colleague to cover five minutes at the start of a meeting.

I've told him this is the date that I'm going and have booked it. This doesn't fill me with hope for when I'm back working and he has to be more flexible with his work schedule Confused

OP posts:
Phineyj · 19/04/2023 15:29

You have to be tough on this stuff.

I have watched my friend get totally worn down by a guy like this over the years.

She earned more than him when they had DC! And the DC were his idea...

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 15:30

Course arrival is 9:45, for a 10am start, and we live around an hour away.

I'll need to leave at 8:30 to ensure I'm on time.

I also feel he can manage for one day without my intervention.

This definitely feels like a hill to die on for me. I've been so happy to accommodate everyone else for so long but I see now I've created a bit of a monster by doing that.

Tbf to DH he's good in general but woe betide anything that interferes with his work. To a point I understand, as his work allows us to have a nice life. But I also need to branch out and I'm not allowing him to stand in the way of that frankly

OP posts:
Phineyj · 19/04/2023 15:30

How are they a team? To quote the old saw, there's no I in team, but there's a ME if you look hard enough 😂

NeIIie · 19/04/2023 16:05

I dont see an issue with him asking is there a different date. His work and important meeting that he chairs is something fixed in his calendar. I have monthly meetings that are more important than the rest, and if my DH was wanting me to rearrange things in 4 weeks for something he was preempting for 17 months in the future I'd probably ask could he see if there's another date soon after the one you've found in 4 weeks.

However the huffing about the weekend is ridiculous from him.

nothingcomestonothing · 19/04/2023 16:16

Skybluepinky · 19/04/2023 14:50

Put yr child with a childminder(they follow the same curriculum as a nursery) then child can do hours that suit, without infringing on hubby’s meeting.

You think OP should move their child from nursery to a childminder so that the child's father isn't a few minutes late for a meeting once?

Heaven forfend that 'hubby' has to be infringed upon by his own child!

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 16:43

@NeIIie I completely get that but it's more the presumption that I should find an alternative that works for him, rather than him finding a solution that works for me and our children.

I appreciate I'm planning well in advance of DC starting Reception but this behaviour is part of the reason I am.

I can only attend courses in term time, so DH doesn't have to care for DC while they're off.

I can also only attend when he's actually in the country as I have no other childcare.

Things will also come up with DC where I need to be around, so as the opportunity has arisen I'm taking it.

I find it annoying that he is "very supportive" and tells everyone so, until it impacts him an in any way 😂

OP posts:
tattygrl · 19/04/2023 16:45

OP, you're completely in the right. There's absolutely no need for you to scramble to find ways to cover every single minute of a day weeks away so that your OH doesn't have to miss five minutes of work looking after his child. Stick to your guns, don't doubt yourself on this one. You're right to set this precedent.

FictionalCharacter · 19/04/2023 16:45

DH doesn’t have to put himself out at all because as you say in the OP, his colleague can cover for the first five minutes. But he doesn’t even want to do that. He’s used to not doing the school run ever, and having absolutely nothing that affects the way he wants (not needs) to do things.
Good on you for standing your ground but I foresee struggles ahead if he doesn’t even want to do this small thing.
Do leave early for the training day in case he throws a strop on the day, and leaves the house for his “important meeting” leaving you with no choice but to do the school run and be late.

rebeccachoc · 19/04/2023 16:48

5 whole minutes?! My heart bleeds for him!! As someone else said, it doesn't bode well for when you do go back to work does it?

Talipesmum · 19/04/2023 16:48

Totally reasonable OP. There are loads of dads at my work who would (openly) arrange for someone else to start the meeting up or even cover it, if they needed to be flexible for childcare etc. High powered ones.

Ponoka7 · 19/04/2023 16:53

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:31

Also to add, when I looked at weekend course there were also some grumbles of discontent about working all week and then having no weekend downtime.

I feel like I can't win!

That's a worry and needs a full discussion. There was an interesting thread on here that a lot of men think that work gets them out if domestic/child work, whereas women just have the double burden. If you are back in work, downtime, as in no children, might not be consistent.

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 16:54

I will definitely be leaving and returning at a time that suits me!

Tbf he has said no need to rush back after course, if I wanted to meet a friend etc. he'll do pick and dinner. He's good in that respect, but is very scheduled in his thinking, if that makes sense?

So if he has no meetings it's no issue but would happily have me jump through hoops to accommodate him rather than just asking a colleague to live something by say 30 mins.

I've been really quite poorly before with both (small) DC at home and he's said if you can hang on until after lunch I can take over as I have no meetings then.

You can imagine that was not warmly received!

However on a weekend he takes over with no issue and I could lay in bed all day without him batting an eyelid

OP posts:
tattygrl · 19/04/2023 16:56

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 16:54

I will definitely be leaving and returning at a time that suits me!

Tbf he has said no need to rush back after course, if I wanted to meet a friend etc. he'll do pick and dinner. He's good in that respect, but is very scheduled in his thinking, if that makes sense?

So if he has no meetings it's no issue but would happily have me jump through hoops to accommodate him rather than just asking a colleague to live something by say 30 mins.

I've been really quite poorly before with both (small) DC at home and he's said if you can hang on until after lunch I can take over as I have no meetings then.

You can imagine that was not warmly received!

However on a weekend he takes over with no issue and I could lay in bed all day without him batting an eyelid

This is reassuring. It seems like his issue is rigidity, rather than an ingrained assumption that childcare is solely your realm. However, part of being a parent is understanding that flexibility is required in order to be fully present as a co-parent to your partner. It's simply part of the role. I feel encouraged by your update that with maybe some more conversations, or even some couples counselling, he could get his head round it. I'm heartened by your strong stance!

DarkDarkNight · 19/04/2023 17:00

You’re right. It sounds very much like for him his job comes first. You will be dealing with all sick days, stroke days, school holiday stress etc. as his career is more important. If he chairs the meeting pushing it back half an hour even will not matter one little bit, he just doesn’t want to be inconvenienced.

gemloving · 19/04/2023 17:01

Is he having a laugh and then grumbling about no downtime at the weekend. Wow.

gemloving · 19/04/2023 17:02

@Skybluepinky but why would she? It's 5 minutes. He's being ridiculous.

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 17:12

I don't really mind doing the holidays and sick days etc. and it obviously suits DH as he can work uninterrupted.

I'm just a bit Hmm that telling him he needs to help out for 30 minutes at the beginning of the day was met with any push back. It's actually staggering.

Team work makes the dream work aye 😂

OP posts:
itsgettingweird · 19/04/2023 17:13

If his work schedule has always been X until X and his meetings are every week I can see why it bothers him that he has to start it late.

Personally I'd change it back to the weekend day!!!

I think you need to really talk about his job, how flexible he can be around you and if he can't in his current role if he can change jobs so you both work equally and share more of the childcare.

I don't work a job where I can be flexible and I'd be confused if a partner and I decided I'd be the breadwinner and then expected me to be flexible at a later date (because my role can't be)

I'd be more than happy to take an hours and pay cut and share the burden though Grin

Paq · 19/04/2023 17:14

Tell him about the fatherhood premium. It's the opposite of the motherhood penalty - men with children tend to earn more. Missing 5 minutes of a meeting to do the school run will probably boost his annual performance bonus by 10%.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/04/2023 17:18

If he chairs the meeting, surely a 5 min delay in start time is nothing?

IAmCinderella · 19/04/2023 17:21

I'd be happy to go back to an office job but am doing something that will allow me to continue being the default parent, as he is a high earner, it makes sense on paper.

That's a dangerous game to play, especially with his attitude. Go back to a proper full time job and tell him he is going to need to do 50% of parenting.

Moveoverdarlin · 19/04/2023 17:21

You’ve given up YEARS of your life to care for the children and he can’t do an hour in the morning. Laughable.

Out of interest, what course are you doing? I’m in a similar position and at a bit of a crossroads in my career.

Tonkerbea · 19/04/2023 17:24

Hold your ground OP. He has to unlearn his inflexibility, you deserve to take this time to further your future career.

Original poster
surewhatever · 19/04/2023 17:31

@Moveoverdarlin I've chosen something hands on rather than office based for my next life.

Think mobile hairdressing for example. Build a client base, work around DC and can take time off as and when needed.

I doubt I'll make my fortune but I'll be working, and that will make me happy

OP posts:
Peapodburgundybouquet · 19/04/2023 17:32

He sees anything shitty and domestic as your problem. He’s too big and important. He expects you to sort it all out and will offer nothing in the way of support because he’s too big and important. He probably sees your job as little and silly, too.