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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This is a bit cheeky, right?

69 replies

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:27

I've been a SAHP since our DC were born.

Youngest will be heading off to Reception next year.

I have decided to preempt this by doing some training courses etc. so once I have more time I can go back to work part time (at least).

My old area of employment won't suit as it's office based. So after discussion with DH I've decided to do something that allows me to be self employed and most importantly of all, flexible, as DH travels for work.

I've found a one day course which is just what I've been after. It's in a months time, 10-4, so I'll be out for the day.

This means DH will have to do the school run for the day. ONE DAY.

He's asked if I can find another date as it's on a Tuesday and that means he'll have to ask his colleague to cover the first five minutes of his meeting.

I'm really quite irritated by this. I've given him a months notice, he never has to do the school run, and it's absolutely no issue for his colleague to cover five minutes at the start of a meeting.

I've told him this is the date that I'm going and have booked it. This doesn't fill me with hope for when I'm back working and he has to be more flexible with his work schedule

OP posts:

Luredbyapomegranate · 19/04/2023 17:33

Paq · 19/04/2023 15:01

I think he's just gotten used to you being the default parent without him having to think very much. It's an adjustment for him.

Get a babysitter and go out for a few hours with no distractions and talk it all out. If you are going back to work he absolutely has to step up more at home.

Yes I agree.

TBF there’s no reason he would be used to doing the school run, because that’s been your job.

It’s important to sit down and talk about it so he understands how things will change. There also may well have to be negotiation and compromise especially if your earnings are going to be low to begin with.

Dishwashy · 19/04/2023 17:34

He needs to learn a new sense of proportionality and mutual respect. His 5 mins is so obviously, even to the hard of thinking, not more important than your whole day work commitment.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2023 17:36

I don't think DH even realises he's supposed to be part of 'the team'. He's just expecting you to do everything.

Time for a big wake-up call for him. Let alone ONE DAY.

ComeOnThenFanny · 19/04/2023 17:36

I really do understand why you're so annoyed, and I'm really glad you're making a stand. So many men seem to think that they're far too important to be bothered with the minutiae of life - you know, like their own kids 🙄 It's so disrespectful!

GoodChat · 19/04/2023 17:37

To be fair a one day course isn't really going to get you far.

There's no reason you can't do an office job if that's what you want. We both work full time office jobs and pull our weight with parenting. Plenty of families do.

Alainlechat · 19/04/2023 17:39

All these men who can't look after their children at the weekend as they need 'downtime'. When is the downtime for the mum?

billy1966 · 19/04/2023 17:42

With an attitude like that you are not returning to work a minute too soon.

Unfortunately for many men that are hugely facilitated, it isn't appreciated.

You need to start to do this more often.

I would be hugely disappointed in him and his response and he would really know it.

Unless support is a one way street in your marriage!

Suzi9989 · 19/04/2023 17:44

Can you contact the nursery amd ask for an early drop off?

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 19/04/2023 17:47

@Suzi9989

Why the hell should she? Why not call her husband and ask him to start work 5 MINUTES LATE FOR ONE DAY.

FFS... no wonder women fear returning to work.

billy1966 · 19/04/2023 17:53

Suzi9989 · 19/04/2023 17:44

Can you contact the nursery amd ask for an early drop off?

Can't he?

Justalittlebitduckling · 19/04/2023 17:53

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:38

Youngest is in nursery which doesn't offer a breakfast club and tbh I feel he could suck it up for one day and sort it in his own.

Rather than me swooping on and making it all okay for him by arranging breakfast clubs etc for our shared children

Absolutely this. Start as you mean to go on and put the ball back in his court.

piedbeauty · 19/04/2023 17:54

OrigamiOwls · 19/04/2023 14:41

I think this is a glimpse of the future... If you start working he isn't going to put himself out in anyway to help with his child.

This.

He sounds like a pain. Can't do weekends, has had a month to rearrange his meeting but hasn't. Good luck, op, you will need it!

piedbeauty · 19/04/2023 17:54

surewhatever · 19/04/2023 14:58

I won't be changing my children's childcare to make DH life easier.

DC is happy at their nursery and DH is going to have to learn that he's part of a team, and that means being flexible for everyone's benefit.

I can't be any more available for him and our children than I already am.

As posters have said this is a glimpse in to the future. So I'm stamping on it now

👏👏👏👏

ShowUs · 19/04/2023 18:06

He said if it were any other day it wouldn't be an issue

YABU

Just because it’s the one day (or just morning) that he cannot do and as you say any other day he can be more flexible.

I too have one day where I need to be in work and leave at a certain time because of meetings, whereas I can be 5/10 mins late if needed on other days as someone can cover me.

Your course is not mandatory and I’m sure there are plenty of other courses available.
He has just 1 morning a week where he cannot be flexible and it’s not fair that he should work around you when you don’t actually need to do this course and you can do one that’s more convenient.

As the SAHP you are the one that should be more flexible and tbh if I was him I would be annoyed that I’ve worked hard to allow you the privilege to stay at home and now you are doing things that affect my work.

I would be very annoyed that he’s had an entire month to tell you it’s not happening though and this absolutely cannot happen if you go back to work but I wouldn’t guarantee that this is a sign of things to come.

SouthLondonMum22 · 19/04/2023 18:16

If you are 'happy' to be the default parent, his attitude will never change and this will continue if you are ill or anything else comes up.

If you are both working, you both need to take responsibility for ill children etc.

Tighginn · 19/04/2023 18:20

Breakfast club?

GoodChat · 19/04/2023 18:22

Tighginn · 19/04/2023 18:20

Breakfast club?

Read the thread?

Partyandbullshit · 19/04/2023 18:41

Well, personally I think you're fighting a battle that doesn't need to be fought.

It sounds from your posts like you're trying to make a point and stick your stake in the ground (and have come to MN where you know you'll get a resounding "he's a wanker for not allowing you to do whatever you want to do" with nary a balanced view). Is it really worth it? Seriously? Over the course of an entire marriage, an entire however many years of raising children, do you really want to make a big deal of this? Maybe you do. Personally I don't think it's worth it.

RoaryMouth · 19/04/2023 18:55

Why does he need ‘downtime’? I work full time and my ‘downtime’ includes my child. I understand needing time to yourself, and I love it, but does ‘downtime’ not include family/home life? How can you being out for one day at weekend impact him so much?

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