My year 10, 14 year old dd is very much more confident than I ever was. In my household I was led to believe men were superior and I had an older brother, who mercilessly bullied me including some quite disturbing behaviour. I thought boys, men would be my way out. My knight in shining armour and I put up with the most dreadful behaviour.
My dd otoh has been brought up in the knowledge that we are all equals. I have always treated her friends and her with a great deal of care and respect. When there was a boy at school and a few parents were banning their dcs from playing with him, I didn’t do the same. I don’t believe in writing off 6 and 7 year olds because they have had a difficult start in life. I also tried to catch him doing something good so I could say well done. Not to say that I didn’t teach dd boundaries. But I think it is important for her to see that human nature is caring and forgiving, that I won’t reject her for doing or saying certain things in the way that my mother did with me.
When in year 7 I saw a friend was controlling dd, blowing hot and cold, sometimes treating her like a nothing in my house then being so caring. At the time the girl was coming over almost every day during lockdown and staying until evening at the time (once hanging in the garden was allowed) and I ended up feeding her too. She was doing other worrying stuff besides and I told dd the girl could only come over twice a week in an attempt to allow dd to foster other friendships. The girl didn’t like dd having other friends, said horrible things about some of them and ultimately the friendship between dd and her ended. Yes she was caring but she was using my dd as a bit of an emotional punch bag. I felt sorry for her but she (and her mother) were expecting too much from an 11/12 year old. I think that was a big lesson in boundaries for my dd.
Dh is a very engaged father. This helps a lot as well. Has always taken her places when I cannot due to disability and chronic illness. She also sees him do a lot around the house to help me so has learned men do things too apart from just work. Engaged fathers are an important piece of the puzzle especially for teens - boys and girls. That’s not to say single mums cannot do a sterling job as many on here do.
I have always kept dd busy with out of school sports activities - she’s very sporty - so that her life never became just hanging around as a teen and she likes being busy. I am too ill to work so have the time. In that way, dd is blessed.
She’s never actually had a boyfriend. She’s had crushes and I know some boys have fancied her. She’s not really that interested right now. She’s enjoying her life, her sports, her friendships. Doesn’t care about being a 3rd wheel. Has lots of male friends. She loves school as well. We moved her to the private sector for year 9 btw as she wasn’t happy nor thriving at her former state secondary.
Dd pushes herself in some ways, not in others. She’s a very different child due to a change of school. For example, she’s doing her silver Duke of Edinburgh through school this year and taking GCSE PE when she wasn’t interested DofE at her former school and refused to show any aptitude for sport there resulting her being put into the lowest set for PE when she’s incredibly sporty. This is also really helping to shape her. Two nights in a tent you have to build and take down, 16 mile walks with kit on your back, orienteering and feeding yourself when you get back to camp. Plus all of the other activities to get the award.
Unlike my mother, I am a feminist and dd has definitely benefited from this. Even as a young child, toys were just toys and she had diggers and tool kits as well as dolls and pretty dresses. She was always such a decisive, determined child, who knew what she wanted, what she would like to wear and so forth. So I’ve just done my best to shape her and bullet proof her into believing she’s worthy of respect. And she really believes it… at least vis a vis her parents. As in she expects not just to give it to us but to receive it too! I must say parenting that way was more difficult for a long while. But I am seeing glimmers of hope and a start of the appreciation for all the sacrifices.
As for school, it’s important not to make that a battle ground, which is why we moved dd to the private sector - dd asked to move btw. More recently dd had a fair few run ins with school re uniform and jewellery. In the end I contacted the school and negotiated a way for them both to take a step back. I think that’s easier to do when the school has 40 kids rather than 250 in the year!
Ultimately, it’s listening to your child. If they start to have worrying behaviour, it’s time to get them busy doing something else. Negotiating, talking, not taking sides too vehemently either with or against her. And to bear in mind that by year 10, it’s very difficult to tell a child what to do as it’s pretty much parenting by consent these days.
I can forbid dd from doing something for example. But I have no way of stopping her as she could just walk out the door… not that she does this. She knows I have her back. Always. Even if it isn’t how she wants me to act.
It’s trying, especially with the strops, the meanness, the accusations of me not supporting her and so forth over these past few years. You’re just entering in them. Dd is quite mature for her age and starting to get past it, I’ve still got a way to go though…