to not want my daughter to behave with men the way I did when I was young?

[purpleteacup]

So I am now in my late 30's, and happily married with a daughter who is still too young to be interested in dating. However when I look to the future I hope that she isn't like me when it comes to boys, men and dating.

When I was in my teens and even early 20's I was in awe of men I really thought that they were so much better than me and that their opinion of me was very important. I had a horrible tendency to fall for guys who showed me any attention and then I'd be crushed when they were cruel or ended up losing interest in me and I'd think about how defective I must be, how fat, how ugly or how boring and stupid I must be not to hold their interest. By now you must have the impression of a very sad and pathetic young women but I was actually not that way at all I was popular, attractive and doing very well at university. I was shy and had many hang ups about my looks but that isn't unusual. I remember I'd worry even years after being dumped or rejected by a boy I'd still be trying to figure out why, what I'd done wrong, what was wrong with me.

I only really recovered from this whole way of thinking when I met my husband at 24 and he treated me so well and showed me what a real relationship should be like. In a sense all the awful stuff might have made me recognise and value DH when he came along but I so wish I had just been much more detached about it all instead of making some random guys opinion of me so important.

I wish I could give my daughter that clarity from the get go. I know its harder when you are that young because everything is so new and you can't have that sort of perspective. At that age you also don't know who that person you will end up being with is it could be anyone so their is a sense of being more open in general to well everything because who knows!

I just know that for me I made some fairly big choices at times that were really influenced by guys that were ultimately not really that important in my life and that I wasted so much energy and time worrying about what I had done wrong to lose them. I know that in marriage compromise is vital but just want my daughter to put herself first until she meets someone who is really worth her time, love and energy. I do remember older people including my parents trying to give me such advice in my teens and it fell on deaf ears sadly. My daughter is smart and independent, she has a great relationship with her father but I that was me too and I still ended up as I did in my teens, maybe all that is normal?

Anyway my question is how do you raise a girl into her teens so that she is confident in herself and isn't crushed and drowned in self doubt when some boy messes her about and is able to stay true to herself and not be swayed by whatever the latest guy is saying to do?

Great question.... I wonder if going to an all girls school v co-ed school had an effect?

Which did you attend?

I would love to know. I was pretty fearless and confident as a teen girl. I used to “use” boys as much as the other way around however there was the odd one/incidents where I really wish I believed in myself more and despite being so savvy I absolutely put myself in danger more than once. It is frightening.

I went to a mixed school but not sure if that had any sort of effect to be honest as all this with me started post 16. I actually had some lovely, respectful friends of the opposite sex in school. It was when I left….

@tinatea I went to a large comprehensive school which was co-ed, I have brothers and was always around boys so it wasn't down to lack of exposure, perhaps single sex schools are better!

I've taken the approach of encouraging DD to trust her instincts. E.g. when she was little, if she said something like "I don't want to go to wherever with Mr X, I don't like him" I'd say, ok then you don't need to go if it makes you uncomfortable, rather than, oh why? Mr X is really nice!

I also talked to her about what is/isn't OK and boundaries with friends. E.g. if someone does something you don't like, tell them. And you don't have to not be friends, but you can withdraw a bit if they've upset you.

She is 16 now and takes no shit from boys, compared to me at that age. But like all parenting, who knows how much is how she was brought up and how much is her natural personality.

@Easterfunbun Yes it is frightening to look back and see the risks I took at that age, I'm probably very lucky nothing worse has happened to me!

@purpleteacup

I am not so sure. I remember having very respectable friends who were boys at secondary school. I bumped into one the other month at a children’s party and it was so unexpected. We hugged and reminisced. God I would never dream of doing that to any bloke I met along the way now, but it felt very natural and very very friendship like. They were the ones who, because they got to know you, would look out for you. It was just the whole culture after leaving school really. I know it’s worse now and I know schools are different places. I’m 34 and they’ve changed a lot.

@purpleteacup

Same, makes me worried for my daughter. She’s fearless and confident like I was, but a little fragile underneath that exterior. I do worry.

I have a DD too. Tbh I think all you can do, is your best to raise them with good self esteem and confidence. Help them discover their strengths and be proud of them.
We all learn by our mistakes though and can't entirely insulate our kids from that.
Model the behaviour you want to see and give them room to think and be their own person.

@AdamRyan That is good, I think teaching about boundaries is so important and something I am reading about now. What you say about instincts is interesting too, I always remember hating how some parents tell their kids to give Auntie purpleteacup (or anyone) a kiss goodbye when the kid doesn't want to do that! I used to always say especially if they looked uncomfortable shall we just shake hands or have a hug instead? I never made my daughter kiss anyone either if she didn't want to and left it up to her if she wanted to kiss grandpa goodbye or whatever.

I found your post interesting because I was only thinking the same thing about my child the other day. I went to a single-sex school so I’m not sure that is the answer.

What was your relationship your parents like? Mine didn’t really talk about stuff and I wouldn’t say that we were close. I often felt like an inconvenience to them. I know I’m going to raise my daughter to know that she is valued and important and to have the courage of her convictions. My parents always disagreed with my decisions and I’ve found that now as an adult I still seek their approval and am plagued with self-doubt. Also I hope that we’ll be very open around sex and relationships etc. so hopefully she won’t make the same mistakes I did but ultimately I think everyone had to make some mistakes. I suppose I hope that she’ll take her validation from herself and us rather than depend on a partner for it.

I reflect on this always. I desperately want my daughter to have the self-assurance and confidence I feel now in my late 30s from the outset. I do wonder though if a lot of it is tied in with maturity / life lessons and it’s something that we all go through regardless of how our parents try to guide us.

I think its a generational thing, and women needing the support of a man for an income.
My dd already is different to me. I was obsessed with boys and having a boyfriend in my teens. I was never single from the age of 13, which is ridiculous looking back. There was a lot of pressure from older female relatives, the generation who needed the support of a man, who were constantly asking whether I had a boyfriend, whether I liked anyone. I thought I needed to be with someone and married at 20yo, but luckily it turned out well for me. My focus on my dd has always been her education and career path, and I've always coached her to put relationships second to her education and strive to be financially independent. My more traditional sil ia the opposite with her dd. She allows the focus from the wider family to be what she looks like and attracting a nice, rich boyfriend. The boys from the family have gone to uni, and it's very telling that the girls have not.

How old is your daughter, OP?

You sound just like me as a teen. Low self esteem, and fell in love with any bloke who glanced at me. I was boy mad. Made some dreadful choices. I cringe, looking back.

My 17yo daughter could not be more different. I am in awe of her sense of self. Boys come quite far down on her list of priorities after her grades, her friends, her sport. She's popular and gets asked out, but she says no if it's not someone she actually likes. She even had a boy in the year above get very angsty with a massive crush on her, sending flowers and love songs - she was irritated that he didn't respect her 'no' and that he tried to make his feelings her problem.

I can't take credit for her - it's just who she is. I guess I've always parented with respect. I think that children are people too, and I try and guide them where needed rather than instruct. I trust her and I encourage herself to trust herself. She's amazing.

They grew up in a different era and will likely not be the same as you.

@Pollywoddles My parents had a great relationship, and were very open with us so we knew about sex and they always spoke to us, and explained things to us if we were confused about even things like what was going on in a film for example. I did have some issues with my mum as a teenager, but I think that is kind of normal really and she was and is a brilliant mum to me and my dad, well I am biased but he was just the best and I do think him being very present in my life did have a protective effect to some extent.

I did come from a very poor working class area and still have a strong accent and then went to a good uni where most people were more middle class or even privately educated and I suppose that might have contributed to my feeling of being "less than" however I felt the same even with guys who were from a similar background to me for example when I had a Saturday job at uni in a department store and had a relationship with a guy from dispatch, then he thought I was stuck up! I couldn't win 😂Funnily enough my husband is also from a similar background to me and also went to a good uni and we just fit together so well. However its wasn't that unusual to go to a good uni from a working class background so I can't really lay the blame there.

I do think that you are right that we all do need to make our own mistakes and learn from them and I suppose just age to the point where we have some sense of perspective over things!

I’d suggest the best way to encourage her to be strong and independent minded is to limit her social media and maximise her extracurricular activities. The more confidence she has the less likely she is to be a doormat.

Stop presuming she’s going to be straight though. She might not be, and from somebody who definitely isn’t, but was presumed to be, it’s shit and actually the quickest way to turn your daughter into easy meat for horrible men.

It's wonderful that you're thinking ahead and want to help your daughter develop confidence and independence as she grows up. Here's my two pence:

Encourage your daughter to focus on her strengths and positive qualities, and remind her that she is worthy of love and respect no matter what anyone else says. Help her develop a healthy body image by promoting healthy eating habits and an active lifestyle, and avoid making negative comments about her appearance or weight.

As your daughter gets older, talk to her about what makes a healthy relationship and what to look for in a partner. Discuss the importance of mutual respect, communication, and trust. Help her understand that she deserves to be treated well and that she should never tolerate abuse or mistreatment.

Encourage your daughter to pursue her interests and passions, whether they are in sports, academics, arts, or anything else. This will help her develop a sense of self-worth that is not dependent on the approval of others.

Be there for your daughter when she needs guidance or support, but also give her space to make her own decisions and learn from her mistakes. Listen to her without judgment and offer advice when asked.

Finally, model healthy behavior in your own relationships and interactions with others. Your daughter will learn a lot from watching how you interact with your spouse, friends, and family members. Show her what it means to be confident, independent, and assertive, and she will be more likely to emulate those qualities.

My advice would be to keep your daughter off social media for as long as you can. It can very quickly cause destruction.

My DD had a "best friend" when she was 11yo who blew hot and cold - was sometimes nice to her, other times refused to play with her, that sort of thing. She's now 15yo and she says to me "I can't believe I let her do that to me for so long!" and I have used the opportunity to talk to her about having boundaries and not accepting someone treating you badly, whether it's a friend or a boyfriend. She hasn't had a boyfriend yet but I really hope that she can make use of this in future.

I also agree with previous posters that it's about having good self-esteem generally. I have healthy self-esteem, and my three serious boyfriends before DH (so from age 15 to 23) were all healthy relationships with nice boys. I went to an all girls school if that's relevant.

@Annoyingwurringnoise That's a good point about her orientation but she is 10 and already has crushes on boys, not serious but I know I had crushes on young male actors from about 8 years old and that held true for me into adulthood but of course I would always respect any choice she made about who to date. Also good advice about social media and building confidence though activities.

@Newyeardietstartstomorrow Perhaps it is generational, I wasn't of the era where a man was seen as necessary for survival but my my parents generation was and so that must have had an influence. I was and am quite a self sufficient person but in that teen / early 20's period of my life in this one area I was sort of pathetic! While I certainly won't be pushing my daughter to find a man and I'll be thrilled if she is able to focus on her own path without that kind of distraction I still hope she does find love one day, my relationship with my husband is one of the great joy's of my life and I'd wish that sort of love and deep connection for her in future too.

I come from a working class background too and grew up quite strong in terms of self-esteem and didn’t let anyone change my mind. It does require infusing your child with self-belief and resilience and an understanding that making mistakes is just a normal part of life. But my parents didn’t teach me this - this is something I learned because my parents were neglectful and abusive and I developed these abilities to cope with that.

Please don’t assume your daughter will be straight, I find your attitude so dated. Just teach her good boundaries and maybe grow up a little

@BodenCardiganNot Yes social media is very destructive, I've seen that with other older kids I know and I'm not looking forward to that battle if it arises!

@YellowGreenBlue I think good self esteem is perhaps key. I do notice looking back that my choices and behaviour with men when from bad to worse then gradually got better each time until I peaked with DH, so there was a learning curve in there somewhere!

I've got 4 DDs, 3 of them are in their 20s now. One is still under 10.

I felt the same as you when they were v young.

My best advice is to start young. Girls are strong. Girls are clever. Women are as good as men. Men need to earn respect. Men need to pull their weight. A good man will not take the piss or talk you into anything. A man is lucky to have one of us. Never do anything you're not happy with. Don't let anyone boss you around. Stay safe all the time. Don't be afraid to make a fuss if there's something going on you're not happy about. I will never be cross with you for standing up for yourself of those who you care about. You and the people who you love come first.

I began this sort of stuff when they were small in an age appropriate way (right from 5/6) of course and ramped it up as they got older.

None of them are anything but polite and kind people - folks compliment me/them about it all the time - I haven't raised stroppy monsters. They're holding down good jobs and have great lives. But none of them will take any shit from anybody and I'm so proud of them 😊Eldest is now engaged to a lovely man and they're buying a place together, so they're not ''man haters'' either.

Lots of people think you're a bit bonkers voicing this sort of thing to young kids, but as my DDs reached their teens these ideas made everything fall into place. None of them stay where they're not 100% happy to be and none of them do anything they're not 100% happy to do.

Good luck OP you're doing a good job!

@Bambooflowers So you are right I can't guarantee she will be straight but as I said to a previous poster at 10 she already "likes" boys I should have made that clear in my OP. I was similar at her age and my preference for men held true into adulthood. I think its this that is likely triggering my concern about all this now. I think you are a little rude to be honest but of course you are entitled to your own opinion.