to not want my daughter to behave with men the way I did when I was young?

[purpleteacup]

So I am now in my late 30's, and happily married with a daughter who is still too young to be interested in dating. However when I look to the future I hope that she isn't like me when it comes to boys, men and dating.

When I was in my teens and even early 20's I was in awe of men I really thought that they were so much better than me and that their opinion of me was very important. I had a horrible tendency to fall for guys who showed me any attention and then I'd be crushed when they were cruel or ended up losing interest in me and I'd think about how defective I must be, how fat, how ugly or how boring and stupid I must be not to hold their interest. By now you must have the impression of a very sad and pathetic young women but I was actually not that way at all I was popular, attractive and doing very well at university. I was shy and had many hang ups about my looks but that isn't unusual. I remember I'd worry even years after being dumped or rejected by a boy I'd still be trying to figure out why, what I'd done wrong, what was wrong with me.

I only really recovered from this whole way of thinking when I met my husband at 24 and he treated me so well and showed me what a real relationship should be like. In a sense all the awful stuff might have made me recognise and value DH when he came along but I so wish I had just been much more detached about it all instead of making some random guys opinion of me so important.

I wish I could give my daughter that clarity from the get go. I know its harder when you are that young because everything is so new and you can't have that sort of perspective. At that age you also don't know who that person you will end up being with is it could be anyone so their is a sense of being more open in general to well everything because who knows!

I just know that for me I made some fairly big choices at times that were really influenced by guys that were ultimately not really that important in my life and that I wasted so much energy and time worrying about what I had done wrong to lose them. I know that in marriage compromise is vital but just want my daughter to put herself first until she meets someone who is really worth her time, love and energy. I do remember older people including my parents trying to give me such advice in my teens and it fell on deaf ears sadly. My daughter is smart and independent, she has a great relationship with her father but I that was me too and I still ended up as I did in my teens, maybe all that is normal?

Anyway my question is how do you raise a girl into her teens so that she is confident in herself and isn't crushed and drowned in self doubt when some boy messes her about and is able to stay true to herself and not be swayed by whatever the latest guy is saying to do?

Only have men in your life who model the sort of relationships you want your dd to have. How does he behave with his sisters, his mother, random women in the street, women who are providing any services. How does he talk about women celebrities, women on the TV. Be ruthless.

I actually think that it’s very easy to focus on boundaries etc when what I think helps most in this sort of thing is confidence.

So, id suggest:

Trying plenty of sports whilst she’s young and then helping her decide which to focus on, keeping it up during the teenage years.
Supporting any interest in music, drama, debating etc including public performance.
Look at youth groups like guides or scouts and consider one of those for her.
Listening to her opinion and acting on it “which book did you like best? Right we’ll buy that for Sophie’s birthday”
Trusting her abilities - let her make cakes or cook lunch or make phone calls or play out on her own.
Modelling confidence and resilience in your home.

I went to an all-girls school, and it seemed to specialise in turning out
assertive, confident young women who take no shit.

There are around 30 schools in the UK run by the same trust. For a few years, I worked somewhere where there were at least 2 other women who'd been to one of the trust schools, and my boss's wife had also been educated in a trust school.

He reckoned that he could spot "GPDST girls", because they always have "plenty of opinions and aren't afraid to share them"!

I think it makes a difference, but most of my secondary education was in the '60s. I like to think that things in co-ed schools have improved since then, and that girls are encouraged to speak up and stand up for themselves in a way that they may not have been back in the dark ages when I was at school.

Modelling confidence and resilience in your home.

Totally agree with this.
Let her see you take the lead on big decisions. Let her see you crack on with doing projects around the home and problem solving.

It doesn't mean you have to be wielding sledge hammers and climbing on roofs, just anything like building a bit of furniture or decorating or going out to chose stuff together on your own.

It is the small everyday stuff which is important because that's what sinks in.

@Wenfy I'm so sorry you suffered abuse and neglect from your parents that is so awful but it also sounds like you managed to learn a great deal from that early experience. My parents are lovely and my home life as a child was mostly great but I can see now that both my parent's were quite traumatized as young children through illness, poverty and loss and both had quite deep insecurities as a result which perhaps they somehow passed down to me to some extent. Its a complex thing and who knows what subterranean forces are impacting a child's development.

Great question OP.
I was EXACTLY the same as you during my teens, and tbh, even up to a few years ago I questioned myself and what was wrong with me if rejected by men (following getting divorced and doing OLD in my 30’s and 40’s)
All my life I’ve craved attention from the wrong sort of man, been treated very badly, ended up in some horrendous situations (inc having my drink spiked and was assaulted as a 19 year old on holiday), the list goes on.

My 12 year old DD is very confident so far, and hopefully this will continue.
Perhaps there’s a difference because growing up, she’s always had boys as friends at primary, mixed socially with them both inside and outside of school.
When I was growing up, it wasn’t very usual for boys and girls to just hang out together.

I agree with what's been said. Don't hold back in the discussions around feminism. Don't be polite to people who try to make looks/body shape important to her. As well as good self worth, teach critical thinking. Talk about bias. Be political as well as feminist. As she gets older talk about respectful relationships and how men don't deserve/aren't entitled to sex. Show the behaviour and attitude you want her to have towards street harrasment and even random man comments. Don't people please and teach her not to. Talk about unfair expectations on women and girls. Talk about global employment and housing, eg there's life outside were you are growing up. Hammer home that the people who she goes to high school with, she may never see again as an adult and they don't have to have any influence on her life.

@LakieLady That sounds like a great school! I do wonder because in many ways I could be like that I was always in many ways self sufficient, happy in my own comapny to do my own thing but there was just this phase of desperation really over men. I don't think my school was great to be honest it wasn't unusual for me and other girls to be at least verbally abused in a sexual manner by boys while sitting in class and when you got upset or angry you'd be the one who got in trouble over it. I must say I'm very tempted to look into single sex education for my daughter as she goes into secondary.

@LakieLady completely agree with you, girls schools absolutely cut through all the gender stereotypes which are so damaging to all children, and is at the heart of the current "trans" situation in my opinion.

By the time girls taught in girls schools are mid teens and becoming interested in relationships, they already have a strong grounding in themselves and are often more confident. They are taught that men are equals from the start.

Not criticising teachers in mixed schools, it's the boys in schools that often have that entitlement already in them, and that spreads through peer groups.

Good women were handmaid's, had to Fawn for attention, we're motherly, we're deferential to men, we're sexy and up for it.

Urrrrgh, wish I had valued myself more, been taught to value myself, not shamed and degraded, even by family, for the laugh. Yuck.

I don't have daughters, but I see from my boys, they are just not all that interested in girls, they are something of a mystery to my boys, that they sofar are not very interested in and possible circumnavigate a little. The girls they meet are very full on, in general and my two, don't know what to make of it all. They are still up for wandering around climbing trees. The young teenage boys that go on dates, the dates are set up by the girls. I wish I understood better as a young girl, that some of the boys are simply oblivious or not as invested, it's nothing to do with the individual girl.

I wish someone said to me, value yourself. He is lucky to be on a date with you, hold him upto the same standards you hold yourself up to.

Don't be afraid to just go home.

I guess the 90s were different, a lot more grungy. I see some of the boys that I craved attention from, absolute losers then and now.

We need to train boys and girls to have boundaries, that they are not support people for anyone. Question people's motives, think critically.

You still sound a bit obsessed with boys/men/marriage, now from your daughter's perspective. My honest opinion would be to talk to her about her interests, her possible career paths, her friends, her future volunteering, university - anything but boys.

Already having crushes age 10 is something I would totally and utterly discourage - mainly by ignoring it rather than by making a fuss. I would be disturbed if my own children were showing sexualised thoughts or behaviour before puberty. Do the school have a culture of 'girlfriends and boyfriends'?

@Namechange224422 That is interesting about confidence and doing various activities, that is definitely something I didn't have growing up due to lack of money and living in a big barren housing scheme where there were literally no facilities for such things. My daughter does play football and has music lessons which I do think helps her confidence. I also always even as a baby saw her very much as her own person so I feel that I do and have always respected her opinions and shown her that I do.

My daughter is 24, happy and single. She finished with the guy she was dating because he didn’t like her enough and is just about to move into a flat with her friends. She gets lots of attention because of how she looks and is happy with her looks but they don’t define her. Growing up, I treated her like a person who I liked to be with. I found what she said interesting, enjoyed hearing about her life, challenged her sometimes and sometimes blew up-like the time she was caught lifting make up age 16. We talked about how important it was not to worry if a boy liked her-but to think whether she liked them. This is still important to her. Having an older brother meant she was always playing with boys as a child and discovered they are human with strengths and weaknesses-just like all of us. Sometimes I worry that she’s a bit too fussy with men-then I give my head a wobble and am grateful she won’t settle. Not really any advice there-just maybe raise your child to be loved without having to be a certain way and she’ll be fine.

Sorry about typos, dog barking at me, crawling on me.

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Ooh I know what you mean. I got pregnant as a young teen to the most wrong man in the world. It worries me because I’d hate my daughters to make that mistake. But then I had an awful and fractured home life and they have a good and stable one. So I hope that will have an influence too. I’m the end all you can do is support your kids to be their best, strongest version of themselves and be there if anything goes wrong.

Like supporting them to do things and overcome challenges and then they’ll become confident people who know their own self worth and don’t settle for anyone who treats them as ‘less.’

Having a crush is not showing sexualised behaviour. How ridiculous. It’s totally normal for kids to feel they have a crush on someone.

You sound a lot like me! Although unfortunately I didn’t end up recovering by meeting someone like your husband - I married someone who I should never have married and ended up divorced.

Ive had counselling, and interestingly the dynamic between my parents, where my dad got essentially waited on, contributed to this. Also there were many subtle ways where my brothers got preferential treatment which also contributed to my mindset.

I also wish I’d had the healthier attitude I have now.

My Dd is a teen at the moment prefers girls but I don’t for a moment think that means there are no pitfalls, or healthy and unhealthy attitudes. But hopefully I’ve helped her to form healthy attitudes to how others treat you.

I’m a Guide leader (girls 10-13) and do feel we offer a lot for girls to develop and experience.
Model behaviour. Working, not accepting being treated badly, travelling alone.
My mum worked full time and I vividly remember her in a store when I was a child buying a sofa on 0% credit and her pointing out she could do it as she worked all the other mums on the street were sahm or pin money jobs and would have needed a man to sign.
I went to a single sex school which was a positive experience. Dd went to mixed grammar but seems to have had a similar positive experience to me.
Her and her friends in sixth form are academic with goals, pt jobs and lots of hobbies. Not hanging around the park trying to impress lads.

So in conclusion think healthy attitudes towards people in general is the key - friendships as well as romantic partners

Like me you'd have grown up on movies and magazines where every woman's goal was to find a man. Right from watching beauty and the beast to reading cosmopolitan 😂

Society has changed and I think there are better role models for women now.

But even though I was brought up in this society my mum always said, 'always have your own income, have your own career, and it's better to be alone than with someone who disrespects you' and I've taken those rules with me.

You can't prevent what society shows your daughter but I promise you will impact her positively by instilling the right values!

@ArcticSkewer Well its hard to talk about this concern without focusing on that subject so I can see how it might sound that way. I do have a happy marriage now and my husband is very important to me like I said our relationship has been one of the greatest joys of my life but I also have children, a successful career, friends, I've travelled, lived abroad on my own so its not like all this preoccupies me 24/7.

These are my own private thoughts that I am sharing here not something I'm talking to my daughter about at all. I don't encourage her crushes but what can I do to stop her? She likes famous boys not boys in her class. I was the same I had crushes on male actors in their teens and 20's from about age 8, it was very non sexual and I honestly don't think it was that unusual. I do remember other girls at primary school "going out with" some boy in class but at that age I wasn't interested in a real boyfriend.

I think it is a combination of things, my DD has been at all girls schools and at the end of her education is pretty unimpressed with boys.
Her peers were always so engrossed in their future and doing well, boys didn't really register...meet up with boys at weekends and parties did not seem to impress them too much!

Plus l have always taught her that boys come and go, unlike really good friends and satisfying careers.
Also however a particular boyfriend makes your heart race, there will be many like that in your lifetime, so unless he is amazing in all other ways too bin him and wait for another.
We have talked many times as she has grown about setting the bar high, as a bad relationship is so damaging to your whole life. Before she was old enough to have felt any attraction l used to say how overwhelming it can be, but it does not always last and even if it does, is the rest of him good for you and your future.
I have also taught her to be cautious until a boy has proved he will look after her needs not just his own, and support her in all she wants to achieve.

BTW l have always really liked men and still do, but my mother robustly did the above so l never questioned whether l was worth it. and was happy to bin the rubbish boyfriends. My parents also discouraged (gently) early relationships.
I was told ' you are responsible for your future and financial security' 'Do not mess it up and get pregnant until you have a secure roof over your head'
The message was clear...l have done the same for my DD.