Page 3 | AIBU for wishing a difficult sleeping, collicky baby on my cousin and his smug wife?

muminlondon90 · 2023-04-17T01:57:41+00:00

My cousin married a judgemental, naive and arrogant primary school teacher and they’re having a baby in 2 months. Prior to this, I was close with him (not having siblings myself) but since he got with her he’s changed a lot. We barely hear from him - everything goes via her. This is fine - but they’ve been judgemental and have made me feel like absolute crap when struggling during motherhood. She works in a deprived (really terrible) school and is a manager there too - acting like she is on the Apprentice. She judges parents endlessly and is on a major power trip, has never left her tiny little town so is a big fish in a small pond. We’ve lived all over the UK and abroad and are much older. I can see she’s naive so I’m not sure why I’m letting her irritate me so much! We struggled immensely when our son was born due to moving here from a big city + not knowing anyone aside from family. Then lockdown and also having very limited family support, elderly parents and DH working in one of the most stressful, demanding jobs. They made comments when I was at breaking point and almost in tears when husband was working away. I’d had little sleep and asked them for help to put some furniture up during a house move. Cue the following: ”Xxxx manages a class of 30 three year olds every day just fine” She then said in the most patronising tone - very slowly “You just need to be more positive” Spelled out like I was a 3 year old myself. I was too tired to even respond! She’s made comments on various aspects of our parenting and was recently mocking how my son speaks and his accent (just once - the next time she’ll be put in her place!) Unlike us they will have both sets of grandparents willing and able to do childcare. We have forked out a small fortune on nurseries and rarely have a night off. Shes already decided she’s going back to work full time and keeping her managerial role because my cousin doesn’t earn enough (said loudly over the dinner table) and tells my cousin “chop chop” - she’s dominating him. She’s now telling my aunt (not my cousin’s mum but her sister) she better make sure she’s free because she’ll be babysitting her kid. We’ve had two or three ocassions of babysitting from my aunt in 5 years. I can’t see how this will change for her?! We have delayed baby number 2 due to struggling so much with little support. I had a back injury and long term health condition and was just on my own - no one to have my back. She is insanely confident about her abilities and one of the most ignorant people I’ve met. it’s kind of ruining the dynamic in the family - I feel I can’t be around the woman. Is it absolutely terrible that I’m secretly wishing a colicky, poor sleeper on them - to inject a bit of empathy and humility? I can’t imagine what parenting is like with both grandparents supporting and available for childcare. My sanity and bank account would be much higher that’s for sure. Even with a lot of support, she’s going to have a rude awakening right?

GingereIIa · 17/04/2023 08:59

@muminlondon90 I get you totally. I wish her a sleepless baby 😃 but she would never admit it anyway!!

Thisbastardcomputer · 17/04/2023 09:00

Can't wait for your updates when the baby arrives, she sounds insufferable, just wait it out x

WhatALightbulbMoment · 17/04/2023 09:02

Don't worry OP, she'll soon realise what it's really like. Even easy babies and children have their challenges!

GanjaDhin · 17/04/2023 09:04

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 05:23

Maybe you should just distance yourself from them if they get you this wound op?
You seem to give her A LOT of headspace. Do uou think she does for you?
Also you could be seen as just as judgy looking down on her for not being as mature and 'well travelled' as you.

That’s exactly how it came across to me. I’m surprised everyone on here is so sympathetic to op.

readbooksdrinktea · 17/04/2023 09:06

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 05:23

Maybe you should just distance yourself from them if they get you this wound op?
You seem to give her A LOT of headspace. Do uou think she does for you?
Also you could be seen as just as judgy looking down on her for not being as mature and 'well travelled' as you.

Yeah, agree. Imagine wishing ill on a baby like that. Just step away and stop giving this person headspace.

Dithyramb · 17/04/2023 10:36

Againstmachine · 17/04/2023 06:50

You sound very bitter and blame others for your lack of support, you say you moved away and then came back and wanted everyone to drop everything, it also sounds like your husband wasn't supporting you as he was working away.

I think there’s some truth in this. This woman has said some rude, condescending things, absolutely (as has her husband), but it’s hardly her fault you didn’t have support or babysitting from relatives, that you struggled with your baby because your husband was working away and you didn’t know anyone other than family, or that her husband contacts you less these days. (Which of course may well be because he can see you loathe his wife…)

Her job sounds like a difficult one if she’s teaching and managing at a deprived school, and if she does it well, I’d find that pretty admirable — and if she’s dealing on a daily basis with children from deprived and/or dysfunctional backgrounds, it probably does colour her thoughts about her own parenting in advance, possibly unrealistically, possibly not.

I had a friend who’d adopted a one year old when my DS was a baby, and she once said to me when I was struggling (DS was a high-needs non-sleeper, and I had PND) that I didn’t know how lucky I was, that I knew DS’s entire life story and pre-birth environment (her son possibly had foetal alcohol syndrome and other issues). I could have resented it, because I was on my knees — like you, DH was away a lot in a stressful new job and we’d moved to somewhere we knew no one, all family outside the UK), but it was true.

If you are going to spend the next few years desperate for any sign she’s struggling, checking her eye bags, delighted when her baby is unwell, smiling inwardly at indications of tension between her and your cousin, counting up whether your aunt babysits more for them etc., that’s going to make you a deeply unpleasant person.

Just distance yourself from her if she really rubs you up the wrong way.

Original poster

muminlondon90 · 17/04/2023 16:10

Dithyramb · 17/04/2023 10:36

I think there’s some truth in this. This woman has said some rude, condescending things, absolutely (as has her husband), but it’s hardly her fault you didn’t have support or babysitting from relatives, that you struggled with your baby because your husband was working away and you didn’t know anyone other than family, or that her husband contacts you less these days. (Which of course may well be because he can see you loathe his wife…)

Her job sounds like a difficult one if she’s teaching and managing at a deprived school, and if she does it well, I’d find that pretty admirable — and if she’s dealing on a daily basis with children from deprived and/or dysfunctional backgrounds, it probably does colour her thoughts about her own parenting in advance, possibly unrealistically, possibly not.

I had a friend who’d adopted a one year old when my DS was a baby, and she once said to me when I was struggling (DS was a high-needs non-sleeper, and I had PND) that I didn’t know how lucky I was, that I knew DS’s entire life story and pre-birth environment (her son possibly had foetal alcohol syndrome and other issues). I could have resented it, because I was on my knees — like you, DH was away a lot in a stressful new job and we’d moved to somewhere we knew no one, all family outside the UK), but it was true.

If you are going to spend the next few years desperate for any sign she’s struggling, checking her eye bags, delighted when her baby is unwell, smiling inwardly at indications of tension between her and your cousin, counting up whether your aunt babysits more for them etc., that’s going to make you a deeply unpleasant person.

Just distance yourself from her if she really rubs you up the wrong way.

Show quote history

Dithyramb- this is a great perspective. You’re absolutely right. I feel myself slipping into someone I’m not.

If I started to look for signs of struggle and feel smug myself about that - gosh yes, I’m the horrible unempathic person!

I don’t see it getting to that point, but I’m already sort of doing that by this post.

Defo time to just take a step back

OP posts:

Sceptre86 · 17/04/2023 23:40

Being around them insets ypu so actively choose not too. How dare she make fun of the way your child speaks. I'd have

Sceptre86 · 17/04/2023 23:51

Posted too soon!
I'd have reacted quite strongly to that. That being said not everyone had family support, I didn't. You make it sound like it's a given but many of us do get on with it without family help. We all have our own challenges and I've had a tiny baby with failure to thrive due to feeding issues and another child with colic. I've not struggled with my current baby and having 3 kids overall. That may come across to others as being smug but I found it harder with 2 under 2, this one sleeps so whilst I'm knackered from work and parenting in general it's been easier overall.

You sound bitter and that's a shame. Don't let this take you over. Leave them to it. Do not engage and if asked why be honest, you've felt judged and you dislike the wife and who your cousin is turning into.

Username84 · 18/04/2023 00:01

I think we've all hoped people who are smug and judgy get their comeuppance! Sometimes they do, sometimes they don't.

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 18/04/2023 01:34

I think your getting a bit of a harsh response, while I dont agree with wishing ill on a baby I also don't think that's what you really meant - I think you just meant that you hope they'll realise that sometimes it doesn't matter how you parent - things just happen and we all do the best we can with the knowledge we have, and unfortunately sometimes things don't work out how we hope and that's OK.

GanjaDhin · 18/04/2023 07:06

Againstmachine · 17/04/2023 06:50

You sound very bitter and blame others for your lack of support, you say you moved away and then came back and wanted everyone to drop everything, it also sounds like your husband wasn't supporting you as he was working away.

I agree with this. I would love to hear what she says about you. I bet she knows how much you resent her and that she has even sensed that you are wishing her and her baby ill - that sort of thing leaks out of a person whether they are aware of it or not.

she is doing incredible work - running a school in a deprived area; teachers often complain as a way of venting. Working with deprived kids is no cakewalk. But you choose to see her as arrogant and naive. You wish her the stress of a difficult baby, but whatever gloss she puts on it her life must already be quite stressful. I am afraid you come across as being just as mean (if not meaner) than you say she is.

cosmiccosmos · 18/04/2023 07:31

Why do people always blame the woman when men lose touch with others. Your cousin is an adult and I'm sure quite capable of making his own decisions. He is the one not keeping contact, stop blaming her.

Timeforchangeithink · 18/04/2023 07:39

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 17/04/2023 05:25

I'd like to hear her side of all of this.
You sound insanely jealous and slightly obsessed (it's a cousin's wife, not someone you have to deal with daily, surely?)
And wishing illness on a child is foul.

This, although I'm sure you don't really wish a child ill?

Original poster

muminlondon90 · 18/04/2023 09:45

Sceptre86 · 17/04/2023 23:51

Posted too soon!
I'd have reacted quite strongly to that. That being said not everyone had family support, I didn't. You make it sound like it's a given but many of us do get on with it without family help. We all have our own challenges and I've had a tiny baby with failure to thrive due to feeding issues and another child with colic. I've not struggled with my current baby and having 3 kids overall. That may come across to others as being smug but I found it harder with 2 under 2, this one sleeps so whilst I'm knackered from work and parenting in general it's been easier overall.

You sound bitter and that's a shame. Don't let this take you over. Leave them to it. Do not engage and if asked why be honest, you've felt judged and you dislike the wife and who your cousin is turning into.

To not engage entriely is hard - we have family get togethers and meals, and I don't want to not see my extended family because of her..

OP posts: