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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wishing a difficult sleeping, collicky baby on my cousin and his smug wife?

65 replies

muminlondon90 · 17/04/2023 02:57

My cousin married a judgemental, naive and arrogant primary school teacher and they’re having a baby in 2 months.

Prior to this, I was close with him (not having siblings myself) but since he got with her he’s changed a lot. We barely hear from him - everything goes via her.

This is fine - but they’ve been judgemental and have made me feel like absolute crap when struggling during motherhood.

She works in a deprived (really terrible) school and is a manager there too - acting like she is on the Apprentice. She judges parents endlessly and is on a major power trip, has never left her tiny little town so is a big fish in a small pond.

We’ve lived all over the UK and abroad and are much older. I can see she’s naive so I’m not sure why I’m letting her irritate me so much!

We struggled immensely when our son was born due to moving here from a big city + not knowing anyone aside from family. Then lockdown and also having very limited family support, elderly parents and DH working in one of the most stressful, demanding jobs.

They made comments when I was at breaking point and almost in tears when husband was working away. I’d had little sleep and asked them for help to put some furniture up during a house move. Cue the following:

”Xxxx manages a class of 30 three year olds every day just fine”

She then said in the most patronising tone - very slowly “You just need to be more positive” Spelled out like I was a 3 year old myself. I was too tired to even respond!

She’s made comments on various aspects of our parenting and was recently mocking how my son speaks and his accent (just once - the next time she’ll be put in her place!)

Unlike us they will have both sets of grandparents willing and able to do childcare. We have forked out a small fortune on nurseries and rarely have a night off.

Shes already decided she’s going back to work full time and keeping her managerial role because my cousin doesn’t earn enough (said loudly over the dinner table) and tells my cousin “chop chop” - she’s dominating him.

She’s now telling my aunt (not my cousin’s mum but her sister) she better make sure she’s free because she’ll be babysitting her kid.

We’ve had two or three ocassions of babysitting from my aunt in 5 years. I can’t see how this will change for her?!

We have delayed baby number 2 due to struggling so much with little support. I had a back injury and long term health condition and was just on my own - no one to have my back.

She is insanely confident about her abilities and one of the most ignorant people I’ve met.

it’s kind of ruining the dynamic in the family - I feel I can’t be around the woman.

Is it absolutely terrible that I’m secretly wishing a colicky, poor sleeper on them - to inject a bit of empathy and humility?

I can’t imagine what parenting is like with both grandparents supporting and available for childcare. My sanity and bank account would be much higher that’s for sure.

Even with a lot of support, she’s going to have a rude awakening right?

OP posts:
DeflatedAgain · 17/04/2023 06:35

Mafelicent · 17/04/2023 06:24

Anyone who says that parenting is easy is either lying, or doing a shit job of it. Just hold on to that.

This is very true! Parenting is as hard as you make it tbh. I work extremely hard with 4mo. Doing everything to give him the best day possible. EBF, lots of games, exercise, no TV at all etc. It's exhausting (many early days at brink of meltdown) but done it mostly on my own (DH works away) but you make do.

My cousin also has a 4mo that's just plonked in front of TV all day everyday with very little human interaction (taken a massive toll on the poor things milestones also feeding him junk food resulting in excessive weight gain etc). Said cousin makes out to everyone how easy it is but won't acknowledge how detrimental she's being 🤷🏻‍♀️

Scanorspam · 17/04/2023 06:41

I think this can be a teacher thing, and before you jump on me I am a teacher. There were a lot of scathing comments in our staffroom when there was an article about speech delays for children born around lockdown times about why didn’t the parents do XYZ. Le sigh.

Mrsphilmiller · 17/04/2023 06:41

IF she does have a hard baby, believe you me, someone like her would totally be putting on a front and not sharing her true struggle.
so even if she does feel like hell, she’ll never show it and you’ll never know. But I totally get it, naive or not, she sounds like a right bastard bitch!!

Kittycash · 17/04/2023 06:42

Mafelicent · 17/04/2023 06:24

Anyone who says that parenting is easy is either lying, or doing a shit job of it. Just hold on to that.

That's a little unfair. I loved being a mum and my first was an easy baby, slept well, very chilled and took to to breast feeding quickly.
So for my first I did find parenting easy and ds was well looked after.
Dd otoh was so different, didn't sleep as well and screamed a lot. Wanted to be held all the time.

By your analysis I was a bad parent with ds and a good one with dd.

KrasiTime · 17/04/2023 06:45

A baby is a shock to the system. Mine were never going to have a dummy. Fuck that for a game of soldiers. She’ll learn. Though she may not admit it. Wouldn’t wish a colicky baby on them though as that’s horrid for the child.

cloudydays2 · 17/04/2023 06:48

Looking after your own children is a whole lost different than being a teacher as you don’t get to clock off as soon as the bell rings !! I’m sure she will realise this very soon

Againstmachine · 17/04/2023 06:50

You sound very bitter and blame others for your lack of support, you say you moved away and then came back and wanted everyone to drop everything, it also sounds like your husband wasn't supporting you as he was working away.

Heatherbell1978 · 17/04/2023 06:51

I would feel exactly the same as you OP! It sounds like you need to create some strategies to deal with her. Similar but different, a friends sister has recently become a single mum through choice and spent years bleating on about how easy having a baby is, how she'd sail through it a a single parent and how the baby would just go with her everywhere. Annoyingly that's exactly how it's panned out...baby is no problem at all and she's spending her maternity leave jetting around the world. Of course!

Mariposista · 17/04/2023 06:52

Just imagine in a few years if you cousin eventually has enough, grows a backbone and they separated and she ends up with a shared custody arrangement and you are still in your happy marriage and functional family. Then it will be your turn to be smug 🤣

Oblomov23 · 17/04/2023 06:52

Don't wish that on anyone. Ds2 cried at night off-and-on throughout the whole night. It was awful.

JenniferBarkley · 17/04/2023 06:52

Sorry OP, you know they'll get a unicorn baby and it will of course all be down to their parenting.

Have you tried a bedtime routine? <head tilt> Grin

Mochinated · 17/04/2023 06:56

Stop comparing yourself to her. Stop spending time with her. Stop giving her space in your head!

There must be other people or activities you'd rather choose to spend time with/doing? This is your one life

Time4achangeagain · 17/04/2023 07:12

OP, it won’t help much but she sounds massively insecure. No one who is genuinely deep down confident needs to put down other people and compare themselves favourably like she does. Try to see her as the bundle of insecurities she truly must be. In real life I’d want to smack her too!

amiold · 17/04/2023 07:15

She isn't going to feel it like you because she's drafting lots of help in so she'll palm her kid off. Just distance yourself and know you're doing a fab job without help.

Bromptoncocktail37 · 17/04/2023 07:16

Wish her harm rather than the baby if you must.
Why would you wish a baby an uncomfortable life

Starhead69 · 17/04/2023 07:22

Honestly I think the only thing you can do is take a step back. She sounds a horrible vile smug piece of shit and she won’t ever admit if she struggles. Cousin sounds disappointing but he’s under the thumb so don’t think there is much you can do there.

Don’t get upset with people or situations because both are powerless without your reaction.

I speak from experience my in laws have my horrible verruca salt niece on a pedestal and would often compare her greatness to my beautiful daughter who took longer to meet certain milestones. I now only see them on my terms and my husband just has to accept this.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 17/04/2023 07:24

Ignore all the sanctimonious posters OP. I hope they get a screamer that doesn’t sleep properly until the age of seven.

Roselilly36 · 17/04/2023 07:32

Sounds like they have a shock coming OP!

Daffodilsandtuplips · 17/04/2023 07:39

cloudydays2 · 17/04/2023 06:48

Looking after your own children is a whole lost different than being a teacher as you don’t get to clock off as soon as the bell rings !! I’m sure she will realise this very soon

This. Plus the fact that she teaches three year olds, a whole different kettle of fish. Three year olds can walk, talk, feed themselves, go to the toilet, most of them will be sleeping through the night, can entertain themselves for periods of time, can tell you if they are in pain or hot/cold/thirsty/hungry. can take instructions.
A newborn is totally dependent on its parents for food, warmth, shelter and general well being… 24 hours s day. Not just between the hours of 9 -3.

ApplesandOrangesandPears · 17/04/2023 07:45

Well it isn't the poor babies fault that the parents are living in dreamland. They'll soon come down to earth with a bump but I wouldn't count on them admitting it!

ReadtheReviews · 17/04/2023 07:52

Be prepared to parrot back the Just need to be more positive! in her exact tone.

But, meh, life does have a way of not being particularly fair, so she'll probably have a very easy birth and baby.

When you're in group settings just focus hard on the cousin and display very little interest in her.

YellowGreenBlue · 17/04/2023 08:18

Well if you're being unreasonable then so was I, as I did wish for a difficult baby for my smug friends. They then got a non sleeper and I did feel a bit bad Blush

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 08:20

Can't believe the level of bitchiness and nastiness and in particular wishes of pain and discomfort towards a new born baby, all in support of 'ha ha hope she has a shitty parenthood'.

AnotherSaturdayNight · 17/04/2023 08:24

I remember discussing schools with my friend and her husband years ago. I had just applied for a primary school place for my DS. My friend and her husband told me that they would not be sending their child to a mainstream school. Definitely not. They would be homeschooling him. This was when she was pregnant. He is now at school.🤣

She will soon discover she can’t control everything. Parenting can be hard work at times.

autienotnaughti · 17/04/2023 08:56

Mafelicent · 17/04/2023 06:24

Anyone who says that parenting is easy is either lying, or doing a shit job of it. Just hold on to that.

I'd saw some babies are just quite easy. Sleep well, eat fine etc. my dd was easy and I would say I was a good mum. I gave her lots of attention etc but she did make me look good. But I was a little smug. My ds has been so hard and I have worked so much harder to be the best parent I can be, yet I get so much more judgment now and I would say I was a good parent but now I am fucking awesome yet no body seems to appreciate it Smile