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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for wishing a difficult sleeping, collicky baby on my cousin and his smug wife?

65 replies

muminlondon90 · 17/04/2023 02:57

My cousin married a judgemental, naive and arrogant primary school teacher and they’re having a baby in 2 months.

Prior to this, I was close with him (not having siblings myself) but since he got with her he’s changed a lot. We barely hear from him - everything goes via her.

This is fine - but they’ve been judgemental and have made me feel like absolute crap when struggling during motherhood.

She works in a deprived (really terrible) school and is a manager there too - acting like she is on the Apprentice. She judges parents endlessly and is on a major power trip, has never left her tiny little town so is a big fish in a small pond.

We’ve lived all over the UK and abroad and are much older. I can see she’s naive so I’m not sure why I’m letting her irritate me so much!

We struggled immensely when our son was born due to moving here from a big city + not knowing anyone aside from family. Then lockdown and also having very limited family support, elderly parents and DH working in one of the most stressful, demanding jobs.

They made comments when I was at breaking point and almost in tears when husband was working away. I’d had little sleep and asked them for help to put some furniture up during a house move. Cue the following:

”Xxxx manages a class of 30 three year olds every day just fine”

She then said in the most patronising tone - very slowly “You just need to be more positive” Spelled out like I was a 3 year old myself. I was too tired to even respond!

She’s made comments on various aspects of our parenting and was recently mocking how my son speaks and his accent (just once - the next time she’ll be put in her place!)

Unlike us they will have both sets of grandparents willing and able to do childcare. We have forked out a small fortune on nurseries and rarely have a night off.

Shes already decided she’s going back to work full time and keeping her managerial role because my cousin doesn’t earn enough (said loudly over the dinner table) and tells my cousin “chop chop” - she’s dominating him.

She’s now telling my aunt (not my cousin’s mum but her sister) she better make sure she’s free because she’ll be babysitting her kid.

We’ve had two or three ocassions of babysitting from my aunt in 5 years. I can’t see how this will change for her?!

We have delayed baby number 2 due to struggling so much with little support. I had a back injury and long term health condition and was just on my own - no one to have my back.

She is insanely confident about her abilities and one of the most ignorant people I’ve met.

it’s kind of ruining the dynamic in the family - I feel I can’t be around the woman.

Is it absolutely terrible that I’m secretly wishing a colicky, poor sleeper on them - to inject a bit of empathy and humility?

I can’t imagine what parenting is like with both grandparents supporting and available for childcare. My sanity and bank account would be much higher that’s for sure.

Even with a lot of support, she’s going to have a rude awakening right?

OP posts:
MummyNeedsADrinkDear · 17/04/2023 03:01

It sounds rubbish op but as you and I both know nothing can fully prepare you for motherhood. Even a non colicky child is hard work. Hopefully she'll be good enough to realise what a dick she's been.
Take the high ground xx

WiddlinDiddling · 17/04/2023 03:05

Fingers x op. Sods law decrees she'll have the easiest kid on the planet, but have hope. May she be coated in poonami and falling asleep in her cold forgotten coffee regretting every smug twatty thing she ever said!

LightDrizzle · 17/04/2023 03:16

Well you’re only human.

Sadly karma is bollocks so prepare yourself for them having a beatific, bomb-proof cherub that sleeps through the night from 6 weeks, talks in sentences by 14 months and starts a school campaign to help local people living on the streets in Year 6 that becomes a national movement within 2 years leading to legislative changes and funding promises from the U.K. government…

Please do share however if they get a bog standard issue baby and are spotted hollow-eyed and ratty at any family events 😉

IamSuperTired · 17/04/2023 03:25

:) You have my full sympathy OP!

I wished for something similar, but my nephew is a dream! Never cried so didn't need a dummy (something I was demonised for using!!), lovely even temperament, slept well (even though sil complained otherwise!). That said - his parents struggled despite how easy the baby, so I think they did get a 'little' bit more empathy and understanding! ;)

PurposefulBear · 17/04/2023 03:48

People like this are so divisive. Don’t worry she’ll find out soon enough. Whatever you do don’t give them any advice, they’ll throw it straight back.

let us know how they get on!

Frozensun · 17/04/2023 03:57

Wish away all you want. I’ve known a number of teachers and nursery workers who come down with a thump when they have their own child. It’s waaaaayyy different! It’s pleasing to see some of the smugness disappear (although be prepared that they’ll hide it because they want to be better than everyone else)

sashh · 17/04/2023 04:54

A friend of mine had three children, her husband had not done much with the children when young, to be fair he was a medical student then a junior Dr, but he had never changed a nappy.

Anyway he found another woman, got her pregnant and married her.

She (OW) had the worst post natal depression imaginable. Her mother had to look after the baby all day and then friend's ex took over form about 6pm.

He actually phoned my friend to appologise for not supporting her.

Sometimes karma is a thing.

And even when it isn't YANBU.

123rainbow · 17/04/2023 04:54

Nobody has any insight into how different parenting is until they experience it. I wouldn't wish a poor innocent baby to have collic, it's really painful for them.

toucaninjapan · 17/04/2023 05:12

Omg OP sending you hugs!
Please promise you'll update us in 2 months! I really love it when stuck-up people get their eyes forcefully open 😂

MichelleScarn · 17/04/2023 05:23

Maybe you should just distance yourself from them if they get you this wound op?
You seem to give her A LOT of headspace. Do uou think she does for you?
Also you could be seen as just as judgy looking down on her for not being as mature and 'well travelled' as you.

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 17/04/2023 05:25

I'd like to hear her side of all of this.
You sound insanely jealous and slightly obsessed (it's a cousin's wife, not someone you have to deal with daily, surely?)
And wishing illness on a child is foul.

Thehonestbadger · 17/04/2023 05:26

I get it.

We have an ASD (non verbal, not potty t trained, limited understanding) 3yo and a handful 1yo and we have totally drowned. We have limited support because no one can manage them both. We’ve had one night away in 4 years (difficult pregnancy too) and have no relationship or life.

Meanwhile SIL has one 2yo and a lot of help. In laws have been living with them, have her child all the time. They go on so many nights away, have endless days off and social occasions. Always attending weddings and events without kids, both have hobbies and social lives.
I love SIL she’s very nice but all she’s done is watch me have a break down and struggle for years. They’re due their second soon and in laws have just moved away, a small part of me really hopes baby 2 takes a massive shit all over their hobbies, free time and social lives just so I feel a bit less of a failure.

I feel awful for hoping it though as I do love SIL

NowZeusHasLainWithLeda · 17/04/2023 05:27

You also blame her for your cousin not seeing much of you since their marriage.
Have you considered that a grown man has choices?

DrMarciaFieldstone · 17/04/2023 05:29

I would detach from them, you sound a bit over-invested jealous

Confusion101 · 17/04/2023 05:39

Some of this sounds awful. No doubt she is a strong character who is pushing her opinions on people. Sorry to hear she made mean comments to you on days you were already tired and stressed. It is hard when someone changes family dynamic.

That said, I would agree with PP saying to take a step back from this couple. You are way too invested. How are things like her going back to work full time relevant? That is the reality for many women! Or the comment on them not being "well travelled"?

I think for your own head space, take a step away before their baby comes. Every baby is different, every parent is different. You don't need to live a life of comparison to these people that are doing life differently to you.

ButterCrackers · 17/04/2023 05:40

Becoming a mother is going to be tough for her even if her baby sleeps most of the time.. Get ready to deflecting babysitting demands from them.

Sugargliderwombat · 17/04/2023 05:48

I don't think she brings out the best in you OP 🤣.

TheHoover · 17/04/2023 06:17

Shake it off.

inky1991 · 17/04/2023 06:20

Even with a lot of support, she’s going to have a rude awakening right?

Oh absolutely, but I doubt she'll be the type to admit she's ever struggling

Mafelicent · 17/04/2023 06:24

Anyone who says that parenting is easy is either lying, or doing a shit job of it. Just hold on to that.

DeflatedAgain · 17/04/2023 06:25

You have to update the post in a few months OP 🤣 would love to find out.

She will learn the hard way no doubt 😜

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 17/04/2023 06:27

LightDrizzle · 17/04/2023 03:16

Well you’re only human.

Sadly karma is bollocks so prepare yourself for them having a beatific, bomb-proof cherub that sleeps through the night from 6 weeks, talks in sentences by 14 months and starts a school campaign to help local people living on the streets in Year 6 that becomes a national movement within 2 years leading to legislative changes and funding promises from the U.K. government…

Please do share however if they get a bog standard issue baby and are spotted hollow-eyed and ratty at any family events 😉

🤣🤣🤣

autienotnaughti · 17/04/2023 06:32

I get this. We had our third , ds is autistic and was extremely challenging as a baby/toddler. At same time I was caring for my mum and granddad both of whom were end of life and I worked part time. I got a lot of judgement from ils about working part time. Mil and fil occasionally babysit but not that often and sil and bil were very judgy of our parenting.

Their dd was born a few years ago and she is a terror, I suspect she also has asd although they haven't pursued diagnosis. It has brought them down to Earth a little although I stilldon't think they fully appreciate that they have two sets of parents supporting them and doing a lot of childcare (sil ended up doing full time as was struggling as a sahm) . Also because our ds is 7 there is an expectation he should know better as he is older.

You may find op she will play one man upmanship and claim her baby is harder than yours! Shitty how she spoke when you were struggling though.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 17/04/2023 06:33

I think any envy you may be feeling is only stoked by the awful judgemental comments, so I think some pp are being unfair there over your attitude.

though you were close to you cousin, I think you need to create some distance between you and this couple, you can't win with people like this, and it rarely gets better.

Fimofriend · 17/04/2023 06:35

Ah yes the smugness of ignorant people.
One of my SILs was very smug about her well- mannered toddler daughter compared to our toddler son who was and is gentle, caring and well-mannered but yes he did like to run, climb and play. Everyone else was concerned about how passive her daughter was but SIL and BIL didn't notice until they got that feedback from the nursery. They used to completely ignore her for hours!

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