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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect DP to let me know he's going out?

73 replies

Questioning88 · 16/04/2023 21:13

Very recently moved in together. I get home first from work then he will come home at the same time everyday and we usually have dinner together.
One evening he gets back 3 hours late, comes back drunk, obviously went to the pub after work. I was quite upset because he didn't let me know and he says he's sorry and didn't think to tell me. I made it clear it really upset me and it would have just been common decency just to text and let me know.
Not long after this inncident he's planning to go to the pub after work, that's fine obviously but he knows I already need his help with carrying a heavy delivery indoors that night (they only deliver to the end of the drive) so we both agree 9pm to get this delivered even though he says he'll be back by 7pm anyway. I dont hear from him and by 8.50 I call him and he says he's on his way back, an hour later I haven't heard from him again (it's a 10 minute journey) I call him again and he says he hadn't left yet and is now leaving. I was upset again and told him I would have liked him to text me just to let me know he'd be back later than what he told me so I could make other arrangements without needing his help and obviously I was upset that he lied on the phone and would have just preferred him to say he'll be staying out for a few more hours and not lie and says he's on the way back.
And then a third incident we've arranged to go out for dinner but he finishes work early so he arranges to go to the pub for a few hours and then meet up with me at 5. I don't hear from him till half past 8 when he comes home. Obviously I'm upset again because it would have just been nice to know he was staying out and I could have made other arrangements for dinner.
He says he's sorry and that he won't do it again and he understand why I'm upset but clearly he doesn't because this has happened 3 times in the past month.
He says he just has a laid back attitude but AIBU to think this is more disrespectful than laid back?
I dont need constant updates about his whereabouts, just one quick text that he's staying out later is all I'm asking him.

OP posts:
cheeseandketchupsandwich · 16/04/2023 21:15

Given that he's done it 3 times, do you think he's likely to change?

zombiecupcakes · 16/04/2023 21:15

I think you need to rethink your relationship, tbh.

gamerchick · 16/04/2023 21:16

You've seen your future OP. Imagine what it would be like with kids chucked in?

Paq · 16/04/2023 21:16

Does he have a problem with alcohol?

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 16/04/2023 21:19

Paq · 16/04/2023 21:16

Does he have a problem with alcohol?

This is what i was thinking

Original poster
Questioning88 · 16/04/2023 21:30

He likes a drink, I'm not sure if it is a problem.

OP posts:
TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 16/04/2023 21:32

It is if he doesnt know when to stop

PineappleLatte · 16/04/2023 21:35

Questioning88 · 16/04/2023 21:30

He likes a drink, I'm not sure if it is a problem.

His drinking is causing issues in your relationship. He’s picking it over you. It’s a problem.

Cakecakecheese · 16/04/2023 21:35

Was he doing this before you moved in together?

itsnotyourfence · 16/04/2023 21:36

dont waste any more time with him

SorePaw · 16/04/2023 21:38

How was he before you moved in together?

Truestorypeeps · 16/04/2023 21:41

Clearly he doesn't give two shits about you or your feelings. He's probably down the pub on his phone, if not, it's definitely right there with him and he can't be arsed to let you know where he is. Imagine this with kids, you're at home rearing them while he's off out without a care in the world not letting you know. Best to nip this is the bud now and get rid.

FinallyHere · 16/04/2023 21:48

Yet again, I am moved to post the wise words of Maya Angelou: "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time"

Sorry.

Original poster
Questioning88 · 16/04/2023 21:50

I've never really noticed it before we moved in together.
I'm just asking for communication I don't understand why it's that hard.

OP posts:
GoodChat · 16/04/2023 21:52

Sorry doesn't mean anything if you just keep repeating the behaviours you're apologising for.

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 16/04/2023 21:53

So...is he ever late or not communicating if it doesnt involve alcohol?

Stratocumulus · 16/04/2023 21:55

He’s now a “Batchelor with benefits.” He’s behaving like an irresponsible single bloke but he’s not is he? He’s got you in his life and needs to own it.
In your shoes ….
Id kick him into touch.

neilyoungismyhero · 16/04/2023 21:57

Questioning88 · 16/04/2023 21:30

He likes a drink, I'm not sure if it is a problem.

Sounds like it- been in similar situation- and now it's your problem too. I'd start to rethink the relationship personally.

Oneglassisnotenough · 16/04/2023 21:58

Nah fuck that shit.

As someone up thread said, imagine children thrown into the picture.

Oneglassisnotenough · 16/04/2023 21:59

Truestorypeeps · 16/04/2023 21:41

Clearly he doesn't give two shits about you or your feelings. He's probably down the pub on his phone, if not, it's definitely right there with him and he can't be arsed to let you know where he is. Imagine this with kids, you're at home rearing them while he's off out without a care in the world not letting you know. Best to nip this is the bud now and get rid.

This ☝️
Put much more eloquently than me!!

LolaSmiles · 16/04/2023 22:00

A one off he'd be unreasonable but it's something that I'd not make a big deal out of as long as he apologized.

Repeatedly picking alcohol over you and showing no respect or consideration to you is totally out of order. He might have a drink problem, he might not, but he certainly disrespects you and women aren't responsible for fixing broken men.

OnlyFannys · 16/04/2023 22:02

I had an ex who started behaving like this and it ultimately was the end of our relationship. He was doing drugs as well tbf and staying out all night so I ended it. If he is like this now imagine how it would be if you have kids together

Truestorypeeps · 16/04/2023 22:03

Oneglassisnotenough · 16/04/2023 21:59

This ☝️
Put much more eloquently than me!!

Show quote history

I wish I could be more succinct, like you :-D

Curseofthenation · 16/04/2023 22:03

Sometimes inconsiderate people only learn through actions. I would deliberately double book myself for dinner out - one meal with him and one with a friend. You can come back after a meal with your friend and say in a chilled out way that you didn't think he would care as you're a laid back couple. If it doesn't sink in then I would either keep him uninformed consistently for a month and go from there. If he can't change then you need to decide if it's a dealbreaker.

Invadersmustdie · 16/04/2023 22:08

He wont change so suck it up or end it. This is how he is after just moving in together? Yeah, it shouldn't be like this.