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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect DP to let me know he's going out?

73 replies

Questioning88 · 16/04/2023 21:13

Very recently moved in together. I get home first from work then he will come home at the same time everyday and we usually have dinner together.
One evening he gets back 3 hours late, comes back drunk, obviously went to the pub after work. I was quite upset because he didn't let me know and he says he's sorry and didn't think to tell me. I made it clear it really upset me and it would have just been common decency just to text and let me know.
Not long after this inncident he's planning to go to the pub after work, that's fine obviously but he knows I already need his help with carrying a heavy delivery indoors that night (they only deliver to the end of the drive) so we both agree 9pm to get this delivered even though he says he'll be back by 7pm anyway. I dont hear from him and by 8.50 I call him and he says he's on his way back, an hour later I haven't heard from him again (it's a 10 minute journey) I call him again and he says he hadn't left yet and is now leaving. I was upset again and told him I would have liked him to text me just to let me know he'd be back later than what he told me so I could make other arrangements without needing his help and obviously I was upset that he lied on the phone and would have just preferred him to say he'll be staying out for a few more hours and not lie and says he's on the way back.
And then a third incident we've arranged to go out for dinner but he finishes work early so he arranges to go to the pub for a few hours and then meet up with me at 5. I don't hear from him till half past 8 when he comes home. Obviously I'm upset again because it would have just been nice to know he was staying out and I could have made other arrangements for dinner.
He says he's sorry and that he won't do it again and he understand why I'm upset but clearly he doesn't because this has happened 3 times in the past month.
He says he just has a laid back attitude but AIBU to think this is more disrespectful than laid back?
I dont need constant updates about his whereabouts, just one quick text that he's staying out later is all I'm asking him.

OP posts:

Codlingmoths · 17/04/2023 11:27

Is there a time you know he’d be around? Arrange something nice then don’t show up? Or a time he’d need you for something - can you take the car and just get back hours later? That might help make your point. Also, if he doesn’t get it, refuse to make plans for when he’s been drinking first. Him: dinner Thursday at x place? You: that sounds lovely. Aren’t you going to the pub Thursday? Him: yes but just for an hour then can meet you. You: oh no thank you I’ve heard that before, I’d love to go out to dinner but will find someone else to go with.

Tarantullah · 17/04/2023 11:33

As you had plans absolutely he should have been home when agreed, or if he was really stuck somewhere then let you know he'd be late. Even if you didn't have plans personally if he's going to be home later a quick text just to let you know isn't unreasonable. As is sounds like he has zero respect for you and you aren't any sort of priority.

billy1966 · 17/04/2023 11:40

He's a loser who loves his drink a lot more than you.

He couldn't care less about you.

You have two choices.

Be a woman who is desperate for a man and stays with this loser, probably has children with him, and has an utterly miserable life.

Or.

You find your self respect.

Accept you have made an error moving in.

Accept you now see what a loser boozer he is.

And make arrangements to get the hell out of there.

Stay put and you cannot express surprise at what will be your future.

One month in an you can see what a selfish loser boozer you are actually with.

strawberry2017 · 17/04/2023 11:46

It's very disrespectful and it won't change. He had proven that by doing it 3x.

Gymnopedie · 17/04/2023 12:05

He has no respect for you, and he doesn't (and by the sound of it doesn't intend to) care that moving in together changes the relationship. He still fully intends to live as if he's completely single, but with the added benefit of someone at home to cook for him, maybe do his washing, and have sex on tap.

Should I have text him first though?
He has also said well you didn't text me either to ask where I am.

What difference would texting him have made? He lied when you called him about times, you knew he was at the pub - you didn't need to ask where he was - so he's just shifting the blame on to you. It's the responsibility of the one who's changing things to do the texting.

You began your post by saying that you'd very recently moved in together. I don't know whether that means you got a place jointly, you moved into his or he into yours. Whatever it is he's lost no time in showing you how it's going to be, so end the relationship, get your own place (or your own place back), and onwards and upwards without him.

He says he just has a laid back attitude

In his case, laid back = don't care. I bet he wouldn't be as laid back if it was you screwing up plans on a regular basis.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 17/04/2023 12:09

Alcohol is absolutely a problem to him - he's put it before you 3 times in a month.

Did you not notice anything before moving in together? Being late to meet up, drink behaviour on a regular basis etc.

He's not going to change, he's going to give you a lifetime of sober "I won't do it again" and drunk "oops I did it again".

Acornsoup · 17/04/2023 12:10

He knows what he's doing. Are you prepared to put up with it?

NC17 · 17/04/2023 12:17

Lizzt2007 · 17/04/2023 11:22

Ok I'm going against the grain a bit here. You've only just moved in together, so he hasn't been used to having to let anyone know he's going to be late. It takes a little while to get used to having to think about it when you've been used to just pleasing yourself. That said, the lying about being on his way for the delivery is not acceptable at all.

Nah sorry but even this is a piss poor excuse.
OP's boyfriend isn't just not letting her know that he's going to be home later, he's fucking their arranged plans off to go and drink in the pub.
Common decency and respect isn't something that takes a little while to get used to just because you've moved in together. What a rubbish excuse.
OP - Raise your standards and don't settle for someone so shit! He's not going to change and this will be a constant in your life.

autienotnaughti · 17/04/2023 14:13

He is being inconsiderate and worse still he's placating you and then continuing to do it. Right now its annoying but long term it could be a problem because if you have children and this continues you will find this sort of behaviour hard and unfair on you and your family.

TeapotCollection · 17/04/2023 14:21

No alcohol involved but my ex was similar. He’d finish work and go anywhere except come home - visiting friends, helping others do stuff. I never knew when he’d appear. One of many reasons why he’s an ex

He won’t change

FinallyHere · 17/04/2023 19:12

@Lizzt2007

he hasn't been used to having to let anyone know he's going to be late

Are you honestly saying that he won't understand how making an arrangement with someone to meet up at the certain in in a particular place implies that you will turn up when you agreed to do so?

Goodness the bar is set very low.

HangingOver · 17/04/2023 19:24

Tbh even if her were communicating he'd probably lie about it.

Can I explain how alcoholic time works? You text your other half at ten minutes to the amount of time you need to leave to get home on time saying you're finishing your drink and leaving.... Then you get a new drink and drink it quickly because you have to leave soon... Then you finish it surprisingly quickly and , knowing you're already going to be a bit late, get another because you're still in the slightly ambiguous time period where some lateness could be explained away somehow. Then by the end of THAT drink, lateness and "getting in trouble" is already a fait accompli in your mind so you might as well get another one, at which point you can then text saying "Sorry, X just bought me one more...". By which point you'll usually have consumed enough alcohol for time and consequences to not really be a thing anymore then you can stay out as long as you like.

HangingOver · 17/04/2023 19:25

Or he might not have a drink problem and may just be an ass

FrosteeFlake · 17/04/2023 19:36

Here's the reality, you are only important to him when he's looking at your face. When he's elsewhere you are last priority or even more likely, completely forgotten. This will not change.

FamilyLife2point4 · 17/04/2023 19:53

I’m the type of person to turn up at the pub and call him out - luckily my DH doesn’t drink - this sort of behaviour would infuriate me. Complete lack of respect.

Coyoacan · 17/04/2023 20:13

I had one like that, long before the advent of cell phones. We would arrange to meet at home and he just didn't turned until the early hours of the morning. I think partly he made an arrangement with me make sure I would just stay at home, but he also did and still does have a problem with alcohol. Throw that one back OP

Original poster

Questioning88 · 17/04/2023 20:31

I know he's fallen out with a friend of his and sibling in the past due to the lack of communication behaviour.. ie not texting to let them know when he's running late to a preplanned thing, not texting to let them know he's coming or not coming etc so he's not great at this in all aspects of his life...

I've talked to him about it, he's brushing it off like it's not a big deal, that it's not like he has done something really terrible and he will never do it again and we can work through this etc etc.....

OP posts:

TheWorldsGoneMadAndSoHaveI · 17/04/2023 20:37

Has any of his friends or family or an ex ever mentioned his drinking? Even if its in a 'jokey' way?

FinallyHere · 17/04/2023 21:10

he's brushing it off like it's not a big deal

It's not a big deal for him.

Ikilledsyriusblack · 23/09/2023 17:28

Stratocumulus · 16/04/2023 21:55

He’s now a “Batchelor with benefits.” He’s behaving like an irresponsible single bloke but he’s not is he? He’s got you in his life and needs to own it.
In your shoes ….
Id kick him into touch.

Exactly this; it won’t get better.

TeaGinandFags · 22/10/2023 15:48

He has alcoholic constipation: constitutionally unable to pass a pub.

Whether or not he's an alcoholuc, a shit or an alcoholic shit, he's no way going to put you first.

Be grateful he's shown you what he is and get rid. There are too many nice men out there to put up with this nonsense. Or do you want to spend the rest of your life - and earnings - waiting for some selfish, feckless git to come home for the pub? If not, change the locks.

ReturnOfTheRainMac · 22/10/2023 16:05

@Questioning88 is he a changed man by now?

user1471434829 · 22/10/2023 16:14

To be honest you should expect more than just communication. If you had agreed with him you were going out for dinner and then he's decided to stay in the pub with his mates, that's rude and disrespectful, doesn't matter if he tells you or not! He's showing you with his actions how much he doesn't care, doesn't matter what he says unlikely he will change unfortunately.

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