To expect DP to let me know he's going out?

[Questioning88]

Very recently moved in together. I get home first from work then he will come home at the same time everyday and we usually have dinner together.
One evening he gets back 3 hours late, comes back drunk, obviously went to the pub after work. I was quite upset because he didn't let me know and he says he's sorry and didn't think to tell me. I made it clear it really upset me and it would have just been common decency just to text and let me know.
Not long after this inncident he's planning to go to the pub after work, that's fine obviously but he knows I already need his help with carrying a heavy delivery indoors that night (they only deliver to the end of the drive) so we both agree 9pm to get this delivered even though he says he'll be back by 7pm anyway. I dont hear from him and by 8.50 I call him and he says he's on his way back, an hour later I haven't heard from him again (it's a 10 minute journey) I call him again and he says he hadn't left yet and is now leaving. I was upset again and told him I would have liked him to text me just to let me know he'd be back later than what he told me so I could make other arrangements without needing his help and obviously I was upset that he lied on the phone and would have just preferred him to say he'll be staying out for a few more hours and not lie and says he's on the way back.
And then a third incident we've arranged to go out for dinner but he finishes work early so he arranges to go to the pub for a few hours and then meet up with me at 5. I don't hear from him till half past 8 when he comes home. Obviously I'm upset again because it would have just been nice to know he was staying out and I could have made other arrangements for dinner.
He says he's sorry and that he won't do it again and he understand why I'm upset but clearly he doesn't because this has happened 3 times in the past month.
He says he just has a laid back attitude but AIBU to think this is more disrespectful than laid back?
I dont need constant updates about his whereabouts, just one quick text that he's staying out later is all I'm asking him.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

You are not being unreasonable at all and do not allow him to make you think you are. Move out asap or get him to move out depending on the situation.

I would hate to be with someone like that.

Should I have text him first though?
He has also said well you didn't text me either to ask where I am. I only rang him the second time 2 hours after he'd said he'd be back because I needed help.
The other times I didn't text him but was waiting at home for him.

He's turning it around on you and not even apologising. You've explained you don't like this behaviour and instead of saying 'sorry, let's make this work and do X and Y' he's being defensive and blaming you.

I'm mean give it the benefit of the doubt but he doesn't seem to give a shit.

Come on OP, why would you even bother with this loser? He's not ready for a relationship and he's treating you like you're his mum not his partner.

How much is he spending on alcohol? Sorry this seems a bit much.
I think I would rethink this whole thing.

Raise your bar and self worth fgs

He finds it hard to communicate because he’d have to tell you that his attraction to alcohol is greater than his attraction to you and your happiness.

Classic blaming you
Think back to before you moved in..
Was there anytime you suspected he was drunk and he says he wasnt?
Anytime he went awol but gave an excuse? Or said he was going to bed and you suspect he wasnt
Any money troubles?
I unfortunately know some of the signs from experience

It's just polite to let whoever you're living with known when you're likely to be home- be that spouse, partner, parents, housemates, whoever- especially if you usually eat together.

It's really validating to know that others would not put up with this behaviour.
He keeps saying come on you're not still upset are you.
He really doesn't get it.

He does, but to admit it means he has to address his drinking and he doesnt want to

If you'd have text him at some point he'll say "you never leave me alone when I'm out"

He’s not going to change. Seen it before in my job. These men go from disappearing for a few hours to days. Be it alcohol or gambling. Was always less likely to be women.

Do not have kids with this man.

OP
Please look very carefully at this behaviour. This isn’t just a lack of communication or adapting to living together.
He consistently feels it’s ok to blow off plans with you in order to go to the pub. When you remind him ( yeech) he doesn’t come back and when you don’t remind him, he blames you. Like he’s 4 and you need to mother him ( again- yeech).
This is about the respect he is lacking for you and your relationship, and that he prioritises drinking/ going to the pub. None of these are surface issues.

Hi Op,

Firstly I am so sorry to hear this about your boyfriend. I have been where you are, sadly it didn’t improve and I had to end the relationship. Which was really hard as he was a lovely person but had a problem which I couldn’t solve for him and I also couldn’t live with.

As pp have said, this will never change, he has to want to change and he clearly doesn’t want to. Also he has show. You he will always pick the pub over you, you are worth more than that. Please leave now while the losses will be easier to bear and please, please do not have kids with him. Please do. It fall into the trap of thinking you need to give this situation more time, he will get used to living together etc It will not make any difference to how he behaves. He will never ever change.

Best of luck OP.

I married this fellas twin.
No it didn't change after the baby was born either, except for I had to arrange to pick him up at a sensible time from the pub, in order to get him home to help with the baby. I lasted 18 months before snapping.
Just cut your losses before he makes you think you're the massive problem not him.

This is so disrespectful OP. I couldn’t live with someone who repeatedly demonstrated so clearly how low I was on his list of priorities.

He makes a choice to ignore your agreed plans because he’d rather stay out with his mates, and is too much of a coward - because he knows he’s in the wrong - to communicate with you to at least keep you in the picture. And then he tries to push the blame onto you. Ugh, what a manchild.

I very very rarely say LTB but I can’t see this one changing without a LOT of heartache around alcohol first, if at all, so I’d cut my losses and run if I were you OP.

He sounds like a problem. It predict this will end badly. For him ti say it didn't even occur to him shoes sn immaturity that is truely shocking. But to arrange a delivery on a night you already know he's out was very silly of you. Dh and I rarely go out but we discuss on a Sunday if we've got anything 'this week'.

Come on OP. Have some self worth FGS. The fact he says he still doesn't get it speaks volumes. He had no emotional depth. He's like 'duh I don't get it'. It's like dealing with a toddler, only worse. LTB.

Of course he gets it. He just doesn't care and wants you to shut up about it.

Raise your bar and rethink the relationship.

Should I have text him first though?

I call this is getting worse. He is trying to turn it back on you and id succeeding at least to the extent that you are second guessing yourself.

In the days when women had fewer choices and opportunities to earn their own keep , ie before reliable contraception and free universal education and the acceptance of women working outside the home ...

these kind of behaviours became acceptable because women tended to advise each other to 'go along with him to keep the peace' because, what choice did they have.

Now, we do have choices. You have choices. You really don't have to just go along with this or start to 'parent' him by texting etc. or second guess yourself.

He is showing you who he is. Only a fool would expect him to change. Sorry but much better to know upfront before there is any question of throwing children into the mix.

All the best.

The problem isn’t him not getting it but rather he doesn’t care. This is who he is, if you can’t accept it move on.

My friends H would do this, it never really bothered her before they had DC but once they had (a very much planned) baby it caused massive issues. He would just leave the house without saying he was going or where or when he would be back. They are divorced now

Ok I'm going against the grain a bit here. You've only just moved in together, so he hasn't been used to having to let anyone know he's going to be late. It takes a little while to get used to having to think about it when you've been used to just pleasing yourself. That said, the lying about being on his way for the delivery is not acceptable at all.