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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To message my ex-best friend?

77 replies

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:20

My best friend and I had a disagreement in January. I was uninvited from a group night out by him and when I asked him about it, he got really arsey. He had also been unkind before that which I called him out on, so the friendship had become somewhat fragile. Despite this, he was my best friend and we texted each other a lot each day and shared our lives with each other.

After the disagreement, he blocked me on social media and we haven't spoken since. I have seen him around six times in our local city on the commute but he pretends he hasn't seen me and I walk on by. The problem is, I really miss him terribly. I have been thinking about getting in touch with him, but if he didn't reply, I wouldn't cope with the rejection too well. Has anyone else been in this situation?

OP posts:
ZekeZeke · 16/04/2023 08:24

I wouldn't message him but next time you see him in person say hi with a smile.

ChickenDhansak82 · 16/04/2023 08:26

You clearly did something to really p*ss him off so if there is any contact it would be an apology for your behaviour. People don't just block someone for no reason.

Ever thought they perhaps the friendship has run its course?

I was really good friends with this guy and although we always had a laugh and messaged a lot, he was actually quite the narcissist and could be really vile then make out it was my fault. One day I decided I'd had enough, told him to F off, blocked him and have not spoken to him since. Actually... although I miss the fun we have, my life is much better off and happier without him.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:27

@ZekeZeke If he sees me, he immediately looks away so there's never any time for smiling and saying hello.

OP posts:
Toohardtofindaproperusername · 16/04/2023 08:28

Is he a friend who didnr like it when you started to become a but more assertive and stand.up for yourself? Sometimes friendships change... and the process is a bit like a bereavement .. it takes rime. What I mean is that "missing" someone doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you that they are back in,your life. Take time to think about whether this is a process of loss, which you might need to go through. Or whether you really want to try and repair things, and I so.. whether you have really thought thru the dynamics between you both

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:30

@ChickenDhansak82 I didn't do anything to piss him off really though, I just called him out on his shitty behaviour.

He definitely doesn't like anyone doing that, so perhaps that was the nail in the coffin, so to speak.

OP posts:
PaigeMatthews · 16/04/2023 08:31

What was the disagreement about? Because from just what you have written, he sounds like an arsehole.

I was uninvited from a group night out by him and when I asked him about it, he got really arsey

He had also been unkind before that which I called him out on, so the friendship had become somewhat fragile

he blocked me on social media and we haven't spoken since

he pretends he hasn't seen me

shy do you want to be his friend? He clearly doesnt treat you with respect.

do you have a partner? Do you have female friends?

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:31

Toohardtofindaproperusername · 16/04/2023 08:28

Is he a friend who didnr like it when you started to become a but more assertive and stand.up for yourself? Sometimes friendships change... and the process is a bit like a bereavement .. it takes rime. What I mean is that "missing" someone doesn't necessarily mean it's good for you that they are back in,your life. Take time to think about whether this is a process of loss, which you might need to go through. Or whether you really want to try and repair things, and I so.. whether you have really thought thru the dynamics between you both

Yes he is. Anytime I questioned his shittiness, he'd get all offended and not speak to me for a bit.

OP posts:
Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:34

PaigeMatthews · 16/04/2023 08:31

What was the disagreement about? Because from just what you have written, he sounds like an arsehole.

I was uninvited from a group night out by him and when I asked him about it, he got really arsey

He had also been unkind before that which I called him out on, so the friendship had become somewhat fragile

he blocked me on social media and we haven't spoken since

he pretends he hasn't seen me

shy do you want to be his friend? He clearly doesnt treat you with respect.

do you have a partner? Do you have female friends?

You're right, but I miss him. I had recognised for a while before that disagreement that he wasn't being very nice to me, but we did have great times too.

I just miss him so much.

I don't have any other friends really.

OP posts:
shittypartoftown · 16/04/2023 08:34

I can honestly day that a true friend (relatively decent human) would have empathy and a smidge of respect at the very least.

This man isn't your friend. He sounds quite awful and why would you want to fill your life with toxicity?

One day he'll regret losing you (providing you're not a cunt in disguise) but itll be too damn late

You cant fix people OP. Stop trying to fix him & the situation

Weallgottachangesometime · 16/04/2023 08:35

No don’t message him. Loosing. A friend is really sad and painful, like a breakup, you’re just going to have to ride through that. This person doesn’t sound worth the effort of trying to reconciliation. Also he blocked you, that’s a pretty clear message. So I don’t honk contact would result in anything positive anyway.

icelollycraving · 16/04/2023 08:36

Many years ago, I had a bf, we were ridiculously close. When I moved to London, we grew apart a bit. Still bf but the dynamic had changed a bit. I think she felt left behind and I was a bit in love with my new life. She came to stay and we really didn’t get on, she left after we had a row.
We never spoke again.
Around 10 years later, I saw her mum and gave her my number to pass on, no contact.
I remember pre facebook finding her on friends reunited, and messaged her. At the time I was going through some upsetting infertility (she didn’t know) and she got the mutual friend to message back on her behalf how they were best friends, as were their children. It felt spiteful and unnecessary. I no doubt took it to heart due to my bad news fertility wise but the fact she didn’t even say, I’m happy but I’d rather not stay in touch but let the other woman fo it felt a bit mean girls.
When Fb was big, I had a Fb stalk, then I blocked them both.
If you will be upset and hurt if he rejects you, then don’t do it to yourself. The fact you have passed each other and have not spoken, I’d not contact him.

shittypartoftown · 16/04/2023 08:37

I lost my bestfriend too. It was very similar to you. He turned so nasty against me and blocked me.

It was just like a breakup. It's painful but you have to move on.

I have found solace in telling mutual friends that he treated me horribly. Because it turns out he had treated other people horribly too and it made me feel better not being alone. As it helped me bond with new people who became really good friends.

PaigeMatthews · 16/04/2023 08:38

Ok, at least you recognise that.

do not try to contact him.

you need to focus on building up your social circle. What hobbies do you like to do? Find a group. Join social events. What would you like to learn? Join a class. What is going on in your local community that you can get involved with? If you can afford it, arrange some therapy to deal with why you want the attention of this cruel man.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:45

I think all the good times overwhelm my mind at the moment, rather than the nasty things he did and said. I think the fact that I don't any other real friends or people in my life that care like he did, it's prolonging the pain I'm feeling over this loss of friendship.

OP posts:
Justalittlebitduckling · 16/04/2023 08:47

He has made it clear he no longer wants a relationship with you. I think you have to respect that.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:49

Justalittlebitduckling · 16/04/2023 08:47

He has made it clear he no longer wants a relationship with you. I think you have to respect that.

I can't understand why someone would fall out with me over something so small.

OP posts:
Lemur97 · 16/04/2023 08:49

@FattyAirways

I could be wrong, but recognise the writing style from a post a few months ago.

Is this the gay male friend you were romantically interested in? If so, he's doing you a favour by avoiding you so you'll get over it.

Join a volunteer, hobby or sport group. Meetup.com. Join a dating app.

He might be your friend again later. This could just be a break. But you DO need other connections.

Phoebo · 16/04/2023 08:51

I'd send a heartfelt message and say you miss him. Given there have been issues though, do you really want to go back there?

readbooksdrinktea · 16/04/2023 08:51

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:27

@ZekeZeke If he sees me, he immediately looks away so there's never any time for smiling and saying hello.

Then why even consider massaging? Seems likely you'll be ignored. YABU to not try to move on.

Quitelikeacatslife · 16/04/2023 08:51

You really don't need this, sounds like it's all on his terms. Narcissists can be fun and scoop you in and make you feel special, but it's all about them. A real friend would have apologised for upsetting you.,
It's hard but you need to develop friendships with kind people. Seek them out and nurture them, be kind back .

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:54

Lemur97 · 16/04/2023 08:49

@FattyAirways

I could be wrong, but recognise the writing style from a post a few months ago.

Is this the gay male friend you were romantically interested in? If so, he's doing you a favour by avoiding you so you'll get over it.

Join a volunteer, hobby or sport group. Meetup.com. Join a dating app.

He might be your friend again later. This could just be a break. But you DO need other connections.

Hello @Lemur97, yep, that's me! We had a break from texting through December and I got over that (how embarassing!) and he seemed largely supportive, however, all this then flared up in January.

OP posts:
Irritateandunreasonable · 16/04/2023 08:54

FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:27

@ZekeZeke If he sees me, he immediately looks away so there's never any time for smiling and saying hello.

Why would you message him? He’s making it VERY clear he doesn’t want to hear from you. Just leave him alone, that’s the kind thing to do, people have a right to move in from others if they feel it’s best for themselves and shouldn’t have to reiterate it.

Go and try to meet some new people, do you have any hobbies? You deserve to be around people who want you around and value you.

GoodChat · 16/04/2023 08:55

Let it go. It'll take time to get over the loss of the friendship but there's no respect or consideration left on his part - and therefore no possibility of a good friendship.

Original poster
FattyAirways · 16/04/2023 08:55

Irritateandunreasonable · 16/04/2023 08:54

Why would you message him? He’s making it VERY clear he doesn’t want to hear from you. Just leave him alone, that’s the kind thing to do, people have a right to move in from others if they feel it’s best for themselves and shouldn’t have to reiterate it.

Go and try to meet some new people, do you have any hobbies? You deserve to be around people who want you around and value you.

Show quote history

Without sounding dramatic, it feels like i'm going through a bereavement. I hoped it'd ease by now but the feelings of loss are still there and strong as ever.

OP posts:
MarriedMama23 · 16/04/2023 08:56

Leave him alone. He has made his feelings clear. Have some self respect.