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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you go to a wedding abroad?

76 replies

Bleurghhhhhh · 15/04/2023 12:39

A friend of mine is getting married in April 2024. She'd talked about having a UK wedding which I would have been able to attend, that's now been scrapped the wedding is going to be in the Seychelles.
She's said nothing at all to acknowledge that this is going to be about a grand on flights for us from London.
Not even said anything apart from 'please tell me asap whether you and your husband are coming '.

I don't think so, I know it's a year away but I really don't have this kind of money. The most I've ever spent on a flight was about £250 return and I thought that was very steep, I just don't have that sort of money. Not only flights, we'd have to stay over for at least a week as can't just pop over there for a weekend. Not to mention all the spends needed.

I've learned my lesson from spending hundreds on friends' hen parties in thoe past instead of using the word no. I've only just gone up to 25k a year.

Hopefully she'll understand and not fall out with me, I feel bad letting her down, but surely she can't expect this of people unless they're very wealthy.

OP posts:
Sarvanga38 · 15/04/2023 13:16

If I could afford to go and it was somewhere I wanted to visit, absolutely.

If I couldn’t afford it and/or it wasn’t somewhere that appealed, I’d give my apologies and wish them a nice day.

Neither of the above would be all that dependent on whether I especially wanted to attend that person’s wedding. 🤣

Twizbe · 15/04/2023 13:20

I've been to a few weddings abroad and loved them all. We always made a holiday out of it.

In this case I'd ask which hotel they were thinking of. Then cost up some package tours to that hotel and neighbouring ones.

You can tend to book package tours for a deposit and spread the cost over the year until the wedding.

TurquoiseDress · 15/04/2023 13:24

YANBU

I'd love to go to the Seychelles- for a wedding or otherwise

However I wouldn't be able to afford the cost of those flights

I imagine that couples choosing to get married abroad, especially in some far flung location, are expecting a pretty small guest list

(Unless OK magazine or similar are paying for the entire thing!)

We know a couple who go married in the Seychelles- in the end it was just them and they threw a huge party in London once they were back

TurquoiseDress · 15/04/2023 13:26

On the other hand you've got 12 months to save for it so it's do-able, if it's something you want to go to

PonyPatter44 · 15/04/2023 13:27

I've been to "destination " weddings in Germany, Austria, Italy and Greece... but the Seychelles is a whole new level of destination! Not unreasonable at all to decline, IMHO.

CorsicaDreaming · 15/04/2023 13:31

Bleurghhhhhh · 15/04/2023 12:45

Yeah hopefully she'll understand, I just don't understand the lack of self awareness, wanting to know asap, I haven't got a spare grand to just book the flight with right now.

I agree - people who do this kind of thing and then just don't acknowledge that they are asking something huge from you to go to the Seychelles (or whatever) really wind me up!

"There's a huge elephant in the room (the wedding has moved from Stoke - or wherever - to the Seychelles) but if I don't mention it, that's fine and it's the other person's problem!"

My Mum does this on many things - I just prefer straight forward communication - I'd say (as someone who compulsively has to find and point out all the elephants, to stretch a metaphor),
"Look, I know I've made things a lot trickier because I've introduced this huge great elephant into the mix, but would you still like to come?"

These kind of people just seem to go,
"Lala la la - what elephant? If I ignore it, it's not really a problem. So are you coming or not?"

I'd just state, "it's such a shame, Bleeughh's friend, we'd really loved to have come, but logistically just can't make the Seychelles, I'm afraid. Are you thinking of having another evening do in the UK? If so, do let me know the date as soon as you can as I'd love to try and keep it free and be able to join you to celebrate."

Then it's totally back in her court...

lovemelongtime · 15/04/2023 13:34

You're not letting anyone down. She's a CF expecting you to be able to fly to the Seychelles for her fancy wedding. Don't give it a second thought.

Smilethoughyourheartisaching · 15/04/2023 13:39

I was married abroad in Portugal. I invited close friends and family and ended up with a guest list of about 50, mainly extended family.

Some close family and friends couldn’t make it for different reasons which I accepted and wouldn’t have made them feel guilty for not attending.

Now, if I was invited to a wedding abroad I am not sure if I would be able to go.

Jenny70 · 15/04/2023 13:40

I'm sure she is going to be expecting a lot of "no's".
But knowing who might/might not be coming might help them know which venue/room to book... some places might have rooms for 20, 50, 100 in one place and whilst UK wedding might have had 100, a Seychelles wedding might be 30 and they can book accordingly.

LlynTegid · 15/04/2023 13:44

I would in your shoes say no, politely decline now.

In general I would go to a wedding abroad if one or both of the couple lived there, or had family there. A couple I know married in the bride's grandmother's town given her grandmother's age and frailty, for example.

Awrite · 15/04/2023 13:46

I would perhaps go to a wedding in Europe. For family or close friends.

The Sechelles? No chance. Too far and too expensive.

Dilemma19 · 15/04/2023 13:51

Yanbu- I could afford it but I wouldn't want to drag my family on a 'wedding holiday' even if it's to the Seychelles. I hate these destination type weddings, it's such an arrogant assumption that people will spend their money, annual leave for your event and then take offence when you can't.

YaWeeFurryBastard · 15/04/2023 14:03

We could easily afford it but wouldn’t go. I think it’s very rude to “invite” people to pay large sums of money to celebrate your wedding to be honest as some people will feel an obligation to go.

Easterdays · 15/04/2023 14:14

No I wouldn’t go if no money as too expensive.
My friend was getting married in Poland, many years ago and we couldn’t go as even it’s in Europe, it all added up as the tickets had to be to a remote airport, these were pricey, then to rent a car as the wedding location was too far from the airport, hotel was expensive too, I remember it was about £900 apprx.
we didn’t go and just to say she completely cut contact with me since.
No loss.

midsomermurderess · 15/04/2023 14:21

It clearly doesn’t work for you, so say no. Someone recently posted on this site that most of the posts we come across wouldn’t even exist if people just could honestly communicate, be a bit assertive. Not confrontational, not passive aggressive, just straight up and honest communication. I can’t do that. Not ‘no is a complete sentence’, just openly and honestly state where you are with something.

maras2 · 15/04/2023 15:15

No.

sparklybonbons · 15/04/2023 15:27

My friend couldn't afford to come to my wedding abroad and that's totally ok I'd say most people that have a wedding abroad acknowledge not everyone can afford to come. The reason for needing to know asap is because planning the wedding takes time so in the very least tough numbers are essential to this planning.
It's fine to say no OP and I would t think much past that. People are entitled to choose how they have their wedding!

Changechangechanging · 15/04/2023 16:00

My ex and I married abroad. There was no expectation that anyone attended. You can’t make people spend that sort of money. Totally unreasonable. In my experience, those who marry abroad are usually looking for a low fuss, minimal hassle kind of wedding. M

DrMarciaFieldstone · 15/04/2023 16:03

I’ve gone to a few, and said no to a few others. They were all very much open invitation; if you can come, great! If you can’t, no problem. They were a lot of fun (much more than I thought) but if you can’t afford it (or don’t want to), you can’t afford it. No stress.

LIZS · 15/04/2023 16:17

Is she expecting you to? Or is it timely to be a smaller do there and a party when back. Only go if you can afford it, both financially and annual leave, and it is somewhere you might like to visit. Better to opt out now than go and resent the cost.

Echobelly · 15/04/2023 16:24

If people are going to have long-haul weddings, they should only do it with the priviso that they understand if people can't afford to attend. I would never do it unless I knew everyone I wanted to be there could afford it myself, but each to their own.

I would go, and have been, to short haul friends' weddings, but only long haul for family who are having weddings abroad (well, DH's family - I don't really have extended family) because they or their parents live there.

HernamewasNOLA · 15/04/2023 16:27

We had our wedding in the city that we live in, but we moved here from England so all our family had to travel. We had a really small guest list and made sure every one knew that we wouldn’t be offended if they couldn’t make it. We did sort out accommodation for them though.

Lavenderlaze · 15/04/2023 16:27

I'd go if I could afford it and if I wanted to.

That kind of depends how close I am to the couple and then how much I want to go to the destination.

SummerLover01 · 15/04/2023 16:33

My DBro and SIL got married overseas a 10 hour flight from the UK.

At the time DH and I had a 3yo and a 1yo, I was just back from mat leave and apart from the impracticality of taking 2 kids with us we just couldn't afford it.

When I called DBro to tell him SIL's father who was at their house at the time and was earwigging in on the phone conversation told DBro to tell me to look at a bank loan 😂

Utter muppet of a man.

Needless to say we didn't go (along with many of the invitees). DBro and SIL totally understood thankfully.

3WildOnes · 15/04/2023 16:40

If I could afford to go then I would, the Seychelles sounds great! However, if I couldn't afford to go then I would jusgvdcplain that I couldn't afford it. I wouldn't be offended by the invite.

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