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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate DH?

69 replies

Notinlovenow · 15/04/2023 12:25

Long time poster, NC for this as I think really I’m being unreasonable.

Objectively, DH is in many ways great. He is smart and funny, he was my university sweetheart, we’ve been together 13 years, married 5. In the ways that matter he’s a great dad - is devoted to our daughter, tries to take as equal a role in parenting as he can given that I’m on maternity leave and he has a demanding job. But I think I’ve got the ick.

I had DC1 during the pandemic, she’s now 2.5 and she’s absolutely lovely but going through a phase where she’s hard work. I really really struggled with the transition to parenthood. I had a traumatic birth and then post natal depression and anxiety. At the time I convinced myself these were both mild but now that I’ve had DC2 and seen the difference I realise that it wasn’t mild, I wanted to die for six months. During that time DH was not there for me, it wasn’t his fault as he was working 8:30-past midnight pretty much every day and getting up with the baby at 5:30/6, but I’m still struggling to get over his absence when I needed him. It’s got much better but I’m not the confident, happy person I was before kids.

DC2 is now 11 weeks old. The pregnancy was not easy, I didn’t have hyperemises but I was sick 5-6 times a day, every day, for 7 months and then for the last two months got every bug and infection going, nothing serious just cumulatively absolutely exhausting.

We are lucky that he’s generally an easy baby, he cries very little and is easily soothed. I haven’t had the mental health problems I had with DC1 so it’s seemed a breeze by comparison. DH takes the baby for two hours in the evening and for one hour in the morning but otherwise I do all night wakings so I’m tired. So far I’ve barely tried to get the baby into his basket because trying to make DC1 sleep was such a trigger for my PND. Im generally fine with this but the upshot is that we are co sleeping and contact napping and baby won’t be put down so I’m spending 100% of my awake time and 90% of my asleep time with the baby on me.

Everything DH does rubs me up the wrong way. Suddenly his humour all seems offensive and juvenile. He snaps at our daughter and at me constantly. We haven’t had sex since October and honestly I feel guilty about it but I don’t have any desire to change that. We don’t kiss, we spend almost zero time alone together, I just feel like we are coparents rather than a couple. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. When he says he’s happy I want to slap him.

I’ve spent the last three years pregnant 50% of the time, breastfeeding the other 50%, ill, mentally and physically and I think it’s just killed our relationship. Is there any way back?

Currently hiding in the bath having abandoned him with both kids for the first time ever as I just couldn’t take it. But I can hear crying and snapping and I’m going to have to go an fix it in a minute.

OP posts:
Original poster
Notinlovenow · 15/04/2023 12:29

Sorry for the self pitying rant - getting out of the bath, giving myself a talking to and going to help the kids.

OP posts:
Comedycook · 15/04/2023 12:30

This difficult time is just temporary while your dc are tiny. Your dh doesn't sound awful... don't throw away your relationship. Things will improve as your dc get older x

Needanewnamebeingwatched · 15/04/2023 12:30

You dont need to fix it, let him find a way.

You needto take time out and he needs to step up.

You can find a way back to each other but you need to talk honestly and without getting offended by what might be said and work together on a solution

BCBird · 15/04/2023 12:33

Yiu sound as if you need to look at support from.professionals. make you a priority and call the doctors asap. Hand hold.

clarepetal · 15/04/2023 12:33

I think you are exhausted. Your pregnancy sounds horrific, I don't know what to suggest, but I am sending hugs. I think you need a massive break. X

dubblee · 15/04/2023 12:34

Sounds intense with the baby... I'm really sorry if this sounds stupid and you have already tried, but maybe a little bit of distance from the baby might help you feel better about everything ? In the sense that the baby can sleep a little bit of the time in their own crib and not on you ? I don't know if that's not possible, but having a baby attached to you 90 percent of the time ( even whilst you're sleeping ) sounds intense. I wouldn't survive this

You might also be depressed again, but it's manifesting differently. I know how it feels when you feel your partner hasn't been there for you and that can cause huge resentment. Have you ever talked to him ? I think that people can be really rubbish at understanding mental health issues.

Maybe try talking to him and also some talking therapy could help you make sense of your feelings.

If you still hate him after that, then you really do hate him..

dubblee · 15/04/2023 12:35

Also, I think you did have HG. Sounds horrendous. I had a very similar pregnancy and I've also had two kids in three years. It's killed me. I understand how you're feeling. It's really hard. Big hugs to you.

ChickenDhansak82 · 15/04/2023 12:37

Your DH sounds wonderful - he works very long hours as well as taking the baby for an hour in the morning and 2 hours every evening. He must be exhausted!

You say you haven't had the same level of MH problems with DC2, but from what you have written I think you need help with your MH.

Your DC2 is only 11 weeks which is still a really tough time. It's normal to feel exhausted.

Cut yourself some slack and make an appointment to go and talk to someone.

MatildaTheCat · 15/04/2023 12:38

Please see your GP and discuss your MH. It’s very common to feel absolutely out of sorts and have these feelings after having a baby.

It’s possible you’ve fallen out of love but much more likely you are exhausted, resentful and a bit depressed. You may need help with reconnecting via couples counselling but see your GP for a check up first.

The early years are so difficult.

KarmaStar · 15/04/2023 12:39

Wow you sound exhausted,physically and mentally.
It reads that your dh is doing his best given the circumstances but did he not have parental leave to help you?
You need some rest,can you express then ask him to take the two out so you can have a hot bath and a few hours sleep?
Do you think some counselling will help?
Have you got any family who can support you going through these challenging months?
It absolutely will not last forever,things will get better as dc get older but for now you must be kinder to yourself and arrange some cover so you can really relax,not just be away from dc and fret the whole time,but real downtime just for you.
accept any help offered.
sorry I can't offer more practical help,I'm sure wider pp will be better,but hope life improves very soon.💐💐

KarmaStar · 15/04/2023 12:40

Wiser not wider.

Americano75 · 15/04/2023 12:42

I'm not voting because there is no reasonable/unreasonable here but I do think you need to have a chat with your GP or HV.

Probz · 15/04/2023 12:42

Kindly, I think maybe you need a chat with the GP.

NoSquirrels · 15/04/2023 12:48

Oh gosh - at 11 weeks post-partum with DC2 it is absolutely entirely evolutionarily appropriate to ‘have the ick’ about your partner. You’re touched out, tired, and your hormones are doing their job. It’s OK, honestly.

My relationship was in a bad way with my DH after DC2. I relate to hearing him snap at the kids and feeling like I needed to fix it, that it was all on me to be the centre of everyone’s world. We’re still together a decade or so on. I’m not going to tell you to do anything to fix it - I just want to acknowledge to you that yes, this is hard, yes, even the people we love the most can be the most irritating fuckers ever to have drawn breath and no, it’s not automatically the end of an otherwise loving relationship. Flowers

MolkosTeenageAngst · 15/04/2023 12:49

The fact you’re too anxious to try and out DS into his basket because that was a trigger for your PND last time suggests that you need some help, if you have your baby attached to you for 21 out of 24 hours a day then no wonder you are struggling and feel like you need a break. I think you need to speak to your midwife or go to the GP and get some help for your anxiety/ MH so that you can begin to feel strong enough to try things such as getting DS sleeping in his basket which will help give you a break and some headspace and also help you to get more sleep.

I think you also need some time out of the house whilst DP has the kids so you’re not listening to crying/ snapping etc and feeling like you have to step in. Absolutely leave him with both kids for a couple of hours at weekends but take yourself for a walk or go and get a coffee outside of the house or something so that you’re not listening to what’s happening and can get a proper break with some headspace.

Ilovetea42 · 15/04/2023 12:52

Hi op, that all sounds so difficult. We have a very small baby and it was a difficult pregnancy but he's been a wee dream and we're both very much enjoying him being here but even when it's going smoothly it takes a toll on your relationship. You've suddenly got two wee people who take your full attention and I think you spend so much time being mummy and daddy that it's hard to prioritise being wife and husband too. It sounds from your post like your dh is doing as much as he can apart from snapping at the kids but he's probably also feeling overwhelmed exhausted. I would say a good place to start is date nights regularly. If you don't have family find a reliable babysitter and go out and do something fun together as a couple without the kids. 11 weeks might still feel young so just do it as soon as you feel ready. I'd also sit down with your dh and tell him you're feeling disconnected in the relationship and that you need some more time for yourself. Get him to take the kids out for an hour so you can have a bath or watch shows with a cuppa that is actually hot, I know that makes a world of difference in how I'm feeling when i get that wee breather. This is a temporary phase in your relationship it will get better as your kids get bigger but you need to see it as a stage rather than just how it is from now on. I'd recommend counselling, you had a really difficult experience first time around it makes perfect sense that doing it again would be triggering even if you don't have the same challenges this time.

Luredbyapomegranate · 15/04/2023 12:56

You aren’t being unreasonable, this is a really hard stage. You are knackered, you had a rough time with sickness, and you have the spectre of PND from the last one hanging over you.

I think your exhaustion is the first thing you should try and tackle. Could you talk to your HV about strategies to start putting the baby down. Relentless contact is exhausting. Your DP sounds like he’s also very tired, but if he could do Saturday nights that might really help you which would help everyone. If you are still BF knocking that on the head is also worth considering. Is a couple of days in nurseru for your daughter manageable?

I think I would also talk to your GP as I think you might still be depressed.

You also need to start to think about how you and DP can start to talk honestly to each other. The snapping would indicate he’s also struggling.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 13:01

I think you would really benefit from some professional support. Your DH sounds like he's doing his best but he can't be everything for all of you.

Please go and see your GP and get yourself some help. He can't fix your PND and trauma from your birth - you need an experienced professional who can listen to you and support you independently.

Good luck Flowers

whitebreadjamsandwich · 15/04/2023 13:04

Why is he snapping at your toddler/you constantly? That's not being nice or supportive

sadsack78 · 15/04/2023 13:07

To me it sounds like you are completely burnt out emotionally and physically.

It also sounds more like you have run out of steam after years of struggling and that you're feeling low, stressed and irritable.

Maybe this is just a necessary part of realizing you need to change the way you're trying to cope with things and you need help because your current system is damaging your mental health. You need more sleep, you need some time to yourself, you need more support.

Speak to your GP, and if you have any decent family or friends who could help out, ask them. Have an honest chat with your dh about how much you're struggling.

I have faith that this is a temporary stage and things might be very different in six months when your baby is a little older but that's not much comfort I know.

Xjshdvf · 15/04/2023 13:09

This is a really hard stage but I think reading through your post it’s less about your DH but more your own feelings about how difficult life is that you’re then putting on him. It’s completely understandable and I’ve certainly done that in the past with DH; I’ve resented how much I and my life has changed and I’ve put that on DH, some of it fairly and some of it not.
I do think it will get better as your baby gets older and I’d take on some the suggestions given about finding some time for yourself

JMSA · 15/04/2023 13:10

With the best will in the world, YABU. I hope things look up soon Flowers

Skankylanky · 15/04/2023 13:12

Are you having any kind of therapy op, or any medication?

It sounds like you really need to see your dr asap.

If your DH is working long hours, and also taking the baby for 3 hrs a day while he's home, it sounds like he's trying his best too.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 15/04/2023 13:12

whitebreadjamsandwich · 15/04/2023 13:04

Why is he snapping at your toddler/you constantly? That's not being nice or supportive

He sounds exhausted and overwhelmed to me.

He has two young children including a small baby, he's been working long hours (8.30am-gone midnight according to OP), and is also getting up early with the children and looking after them in the evenings too.

Nobody has an endless stream of patience. People snap when they're tired and are struggling to cope.

TheyAreMyBhunasPete · 15/04/2023 13:16

This will be one of the hardest times in your relationship. I don't have an answer but it's very common and hopefully when the kids grow the clouds will lift and your wonderful funny husband will be back. You'll be laughing at his fart jokes before you know it.... 💕