To hate DH?

[Notinlovenow]

Long time poster, NC for this as I think really I’m being unreasonable.

Objectively, DH is in many ways great. He is smart and funny, he was my university sweetheart, we’ve been together 13 years, married 5. In the ways that matter he’s a great dad - is devoted to our daughter, tries to take as equal a role in parenting as he can given that I’m on maternity leave and he has a demanding job. But I think I’ve got the ick.

I had DC1 during the pandemic, she’s now 2.5 and she’s absolutely lovely but going through a phase where she’s hard work. I really really struggled with the transition to parenthood. I had a traumatic birth and then post natal depression and anxiety. At the time I convinced myself these were both mild but now that I’ve had DC2 and seen the difference I realise that it wasn’t mild, I wanted to die for six months. During that time DH was not there for me, it wasn’t his fault as he was working 8:30-past midnight pretty much every day and getting up with the baby at 5:30/6, but I’m still struggling to get over his absence when I needed him. It’s got much better but I’m not the confident, happy person I was before kids.

DC2 is now 11 weeks old. The pregnancy was not easy, I didn’t have hyperemises but I was sick 5-6 times a day, every day, for 7 months and then for the last two months got every bug and infection going, nothing serious just cumulatively absolutely exhausting.

We are lucky that he’s generally an easy baby, he cries very little and is easily soothed. I haven’t had the mental health problems I had with DC1 so it’s seemed a breeze by comparison. DH takes the baby for two hours in the evening and for one hour in the morning but otherwise I do all night wakings so I’m tired. So far I’ve barely tried to get the baby into his basket because trying to make DC1 sleep was such a trigger for my PND. Im generally fine with this but the upshot is that we are co sleeping and contact napping and baby won’t be put down so I’m spending 100% of my awake time and 90% of my asleep time with the baby on me.

Everything DH does rubs me up the wrong way. Suddenly his humour all seems offensive and juvenile. He snaps at our daughter and at me constantly. We haven’t had sex since October and honestly I feel guilty about it but I don’t have any desire to change that. We don’t kiss, we spend almost zero time alone together, I just feel like we are coparents rather than a couple. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. When he says he’s happy I want to slap him.

I’ve spent the last three years pregnant 50% of the time, breastfeeding the other 50%, ill, mentally and physically and I think it’s just killed our relationship. Is there any way back?

Currently hiding in the bath having abandoned him with both kids for the first time ever as I just couldn’t take it. But I can hear crying and snapping and I’m going to have to go an fix it in a minute.

You’re not being unreasonable- that’s the wrong term, but probably neither is your husband. Those early years are so tough, especially given the PND, the long working hours he has, your awful pregnancy and it all being close together. Like the others I wouldn’t act on this, I think it’ll all improve as the kids get older.

Do you have any family support? Friends who could help? You need a bit of a break, and maybe a trip to the GP to see what might help to get you through.

There’s a real fetishisation of motherhood that makes people feel awful unless it’s all brilliant, it isn’t brilliant most of the time but bloody hard work.

I have an eight and a fourteen year old, could’ve ripped my husband’s head off when the youngest was small but it got so much easier. (Don’t believe those who say it only gets worse, they’re full of crap). Hang in there, time is your friend.

He needs to step up?

He's working full time, and taking the baby out for 3 hours a day FFS

Both of you sound physically and mentally very drained, tbh. This is a very hard stage even without the added challenges of hyperemesis, mental health challenges and a partner who works very long hours. I'm sure it was no picnic for him working those hours while knowing his wife was struggling very badly but not being able to do much more. (Unless you think he actually didn't have to do those hours, and was avoiding home life?)

I would gently encourage you not to draw any long term conclusions about your marriage right now. It's natural not to be filled with love for each other when you're both exhausted and overstressed. You need to bolster both of your resources - is he working more normal hours now? Can you get in a nanny or mother's help or at least a babysitter for a few hours? Talk to your GP about your mental health. Try to recognise what he is doing and give it time.

Yes, there is a way back.

I felt like you did after DC were born - we both held on in there despite many misgivings.

We've now been married 25 years, kids are grown up, DH and I talk (and laugh) about anything and everything.

I dont think now is the time to make any major decisions about your relationship. You've got a newborn and a toddler and have had a really hard time the past few years. Even a perfect relationship with someone you really physically fancied would be under massive strain. It could be you have the ick but it could equally just be a rough patch where you both have no choice to put small kids first and the relationship naturally suffers. I read that the most common time to split is when your youngest child is two...probably due to the strain of kids.

My advice would be to try and carve out some time for yourself if possible. It's fine to leave him with the kids by himself and take an hour out. This will get easier the older they get. Half an hour going a walk by yourself might make the world of difference. Sleep train as soon as the baby is old enough to get your evenings and sleep back. And fake intimacy and kindness. I don't mean have sex when you don't feel like it - at all. I just mean that a lot of affection is habit and once it's gone it's really hard to get it back. I breastfed and was completely touched out and didnt even hug or hold hands with my husband for ages and had to make a complete conscious effort to do so again, and it had been so long that even a peck on the cheek or any kind of physical affection felt weird for a while. I wouldn't advise letting it get to that stage though. We went through the snappy, arguments about who had been most busy etc and the only thing that worked was making a conscious effort to be extra kind to wach other to break the cycle

This. He sounds like he does his bit, but grudgingly and creating an atmosphere while he does it. He needs to bite his tongue and paste a smile on his face like most parents do even if he's not feeling it.

Yes, he works hard but it's not a rest for you if you spend it listening to him stress out at the kids and wondering when you should give up and intervene.

He doesn't sound objectively awful and he does more than most men. Obviously that doesn't put him in gold medal territory but I'd think twice about throwing the relationship away. Things will improve. In the meantime, could you book a regular babysitter so you can both abandon ship and get some down time (even if you choose not to spend it together)?

Can you give any examples of his inappropriate or juvenile comments?

The snapping is probably him being knackered like you are, it’s a tough time for you as a family.

Thank you so much everyone. Your kind responses have brought me to tears (who says AIBU is a horrible place?)

To answer a few things, DH snaps at our daughter because she is at a tricky stage of refusing to do anything we ask her and his patience is not great. As others have said, he’s working full time, doing his share with the kids and I’m not being great company so I do understand that he’s under pressure so I get why it’s happening, I just don’t like it.

I’m not having any mental health help at the moment - I did when I had PND last time and will have a think about whether I need to get back in touch.

DH is working more reasonable hours now but still long hours - he works while he has the baby in the evening and finishes around 10.

Dc1 is in nursery part time so I do get a break from her, just not from the baby. We have family around but over an hour away so they do help but not regularly and they generally won’t have both kids at once. I am also breastfeeding so can’t be away from the baby for long.

First op, I have the same lockdown resentment. My kids were older but she worked for all of it out of the house leaving me with my job and two small kids with zero escape of time out. It really impacted me, I felt like I was having a mental breakdown and he still kept leaving us to it. I really thought it might be the end of us for a long time after as i just felt so abandoned.

anyway, to your actual question - I think it’s normal to feel really distant from your partner when you have a small baby, especially the second. Everything is a juggle, everything is work, everything is child related. It’s easy to feel resentful. But it sounds like you are both equally burnt out. So the question is what’s going to give? Can anyone help give you a break? Family? Nursery for the toddler, a nanny for the baby? Even a day or two? Or could DH take some time off? Would seeing a doctor help?

I was in a very similar booth OP with a 2020 baby and a newborn. Newborn is now 11 months and eldest nearly 3 and DH and I were just saying the other day that this is the first month where we’ve not had a massive blow up fight over something stupid. I just think I hate the baby stage (I adore my baby but it’s such hard work and I can’t wait for him to be a chatty little toddler like my eldest!). We’re just coming out of the no sex/feel like coworkers/don’t want to talk in the evening/someone is always screaming bit and if I’m honest I can now understand how having kids can break up couples who were completely strong and sorted beforehand.

So basically, I don’t know if you hate your husband. But I had moments where I hated my life, and my husband was the only one I could direct it at because he wasn’t dependent on me. In my experience it passes but if you think you need some extra support please get it.

DH and I came up with a rule of ‘no permanent decisions in the first 12 months after having a baby’ and tbh at points it was the only thing that stopped me walking out. But I’m glad it did :)

You say you didn't realise how bad your bout of PND was at the time, maybe your husband didn't either. To be fair baby and support never featured in either of my marriages but your husband doesn't sound too awful. There are lots of posters on every subject advising counselling and it sometimes gets on my wick but I really think this might benefit you both. You both sound at the end of your tether for different reasons, all valid it seems to me.
Unless I've missed any updates it sounds like a relationship worth saving.

He sounds very supportive and like he’s doing a lot to help and he too is overwhelmed and tired. I do remember this stage and tbh it was the worst ever stage of our marriage too. But now the children are older we are a lot happier.

I've just read your update - please, please go back and get some more help. It's nothing to be ashamed of and it sounds like it would benefit everyone.

I think you know deep down that it's not sustainable for your DH to work until 10pm while simultaneously looking after a baby - his exhaustion/stress levels aren't going to improve while he's trying to do two jobs at once like that.

You both need time out from the children - even if that's just an hour every night while you have a bath, or go for a walk, or even just go and sit in McDonald's car park with some music and a book. And your DH needs the same - he can't continue doing what he does with no break - he'll end up having a breakdown.

If you both give yourselves a break, you'll find things improve. You won't be as overwhelmed and he won't be as stressed - and then he won't snap as much, you won't hate it (and resent him for it) and your entire relationship should begin to improve. It's so easy for people to forget about themselves in the early days of parenthood.

Please make a GP appt asap OP. It sounds like you would definitely benefit from some SSRIs even just for a year or so, and it sounds like you could use some further talking therapy.

This is really sad to read. I feel for both of you and the impact this is having on your children could have life long consequences if things continue to escalate, as they are at such a key stage in their developments.

It's so important that you guys both seek help and if possible, please try to be honest with one another about the issues as they're clearly already escalating and you're growing apart.

It sounds like you have a wonderful young family who just need a little extra support. Don't give up on that when deep down you all want the same thing and hopefully have gone through most of the toughest moments now.

Good luck OP, I'm sure with the right support and communication you guys will come through this.

Hi sending understanding and support! It is really hard - the hardest thing I’ve ever done!

I have a similar age gap, youngest just turned 6m oldest is 2.5 yrs (also a demanding, adorable, sassy monster, with more attitude than I ever expected!) and it’s just starting to feel like I won’t kill my husband! He is great, supportive and a rock but I have still been so irritated with him!!!

TMI but we weren’t intimate for the first 4m post birth but whilst it’s not the same as it was at the start of our relationship, it’s lovely.

Also BF, co sleeping on me, napping on me etc but that’s really eased off now and since 5m my LB spends 7-11pm in his crib alone. And in the last 4 days he’s done 11.30-3am in the crib too 🎉🥳

so basically hang on I really think it will get better, if possible do more nursery sessions and get a cleaner - was defiantly a big + for my MH.

My little sassy pants also gets annoyed with DH - he farted in her room and she went ballistic at him so I know I’m not the only one who gets irritated 😂😂😂

The first year of a new baby really tests everything - your sanity, marriage and your life. Many don't have that experience, but for those of us who do it's awful. The worst years of my life were the first year of my children. I have a 5mo (3rd) and know only through experience that it's going to pass. All my children were the clingiest, high needs, soul sucking kids. Never slept, colic, reflux and clingers who just cried all the time. My 5mo by some miracle has settled down. For the past 2 weeks she's able to take a nap an hour at a time and it's made a world of difference. We have for the first time got a child to sleep through the night. And I am finally seeing the joy of having a baby. Don't underestimate sleep deprivation and having a high needs baby. Sounds like you both are just very, very exhausted and in the thick of early parenting. Have you discussed with each other how this is affecting you both?

I’ve had a chat with DH and am feeling a bit better (though the older one screaming instead of napping and the younger one refusing to be put down is not super helpful!)

I really hope you are right and we can fix this. We always had a great relationship and I’m just not sure whether he’s changed, I’ve changed or I’m just not in the right frame of mind.

Sounds totally normal to me 😆

Don’t feel guilty about sex! I’m in the same boat with a preschooler and baby who cosleeps and naps on me and the touched-out, 24/7 nature of it is relentless – every contraceptive chat I get from a healthcare profession I just laugh manically. My six-week post-birth check-up was the first time I’d been alone in those six weeks (DP stood outside holding the baby then brought him in for his check): that was literally my “break” from motherhood, having my wounds prodded. Sex is a distant, unwanted thing right now. I suppose though DP and I are on the same page about it: that one day we’ll need to find a way back but right now we’re in the weeds and the key thing is: is everyone fed? Clean? (Ish.) If we’re snappy are we getting five minutes to ourselves that isn’t just hiding from children on the loo? Etc.

It is really really hard, especially when they cosleep so you never have the “off” switch. But it passes.

OP, the early years are bloody knackering. Don’t even think of breaking up until your youngest is at least 4! Only because it sounds like the problems are based on things that will get better in time. I don’t think couple counselling is necessarily realistic at this point, depending on whether you’ve got someone who can look after the children while it happens. I know you’re on maternity leave but in the next few months do you have any plans to get a bit of regular weekly childcare just to give you a break. I found it a lifesaver when mine were tiny

I find lack of physical affection makes me a really angry person. I don’t mean sex, but I need to be held. Might this help?

"I’m spending 100% of my awake time and 90% of my asleep time with the baby on me."

Make some changes. Asap. And dont say baby cant sleep, unless on you. Baby WILL sleep but you need to help facilitate this.

If you want things to change than be the change that you wanna see.

Your dh sounds fine. More than fine. And you cant change your mental ilness with your first baby nor the sickness with the second
But the breastfeeding and contact sleeping and having no intimacy with your partner you can change. You just HAVE to find different ways/make different sacrifices. Dont make yourself a marter op. You will only end up resenting and hating your life.

Having 2 under 2 is hard. Having a baby is hard. Having a relationship and 2 young kids is hard. But if the struggle is that big, than change what is.
And yes. Easier said than done. But.. no pain no gain. Teaching your kid to no longer sleep on you should start right away. For your mental sanity. Youll be a better mum for it when you are mentally in a better place x

I’m saying this kindly, your mental health is the concern here. Put your husband’s annoying ways to the side.

Your toddler goes to nursery, your baby you get an hour in the morning and two hours break in the evening from. Your DH (it seems) pulls his weight on top of working long hours. This is not the type of setup you would ‘normally’ expect someone to be struggling with. I’m not being dismissive at all, you have a very real problem, but I think it’s not your circumstances that are the issue. If you had a very different DH I believe you would still be finding this all very difficult. You’ve been through a lot, and may be either experiencing it again but it’s manifesting itself differently, or you may be so traumatised by your pregnancies/births/PND that you have a degree of cPTSD. It’s impossible to say but I think you need a professional handhold to navigate all of it.

There may be a DH problem, too, but until you get some professional support for your mental health you won’t be able to tell the difference between hating him and hating just about everything and feeling overwhelmed.