To hate DH?

[Notinlovenow]

Long time poster, NC for this as I think really I’m being unreasonable.

Objectively, DH is in many ways great. He is smart and funny, he was my university sweetheart, we’ve been together 13 years, married 5. In the ways that matter he’s a great dad - is devoted to our daughter, tries to take as equal a role in parenting as he can given that I’m on maternity leave and he has a demanding job. But I think I’ve got the ick.

I had DC1 during the pandemic, she’s now 2.5 and she’s absolutely lovely but going through a phase where she’s hard work. I really really struggled with the transition to parenthood. I had a traumatic birth and then post natal depression and anxiety. At the time I convinced myself these were both mild but now that I’ve had DC2 and seen the difference I realise that it wasn’t mild, I wanted to die for six months. During that time DH was not there for me, it wasn’t his fault as he was working 8:30-past midnight pretty much every day and getting up with the baby at 5:30/6, but I’m still struggling to get over his absence when I needed him. It’s got much better but I’m not the confident, happy person I was before kids.

DC2 is now 11 weeks old. The pregnancy was not easy, I didn’t have hyperemises but I was sick 5-6 times a day, every day, for 7 months and then for the last two months got every bug and infection going, nothing serious just cumulatively absolutely exhausting.

We are lucky that he’s generally an easy baby, he cries very little and is easily soothed. I haven’t had the mental health problems I had with DC1 so it’s seemed a breeze by comparison. DH takes the baby for two hours in the evening and for one hour in the morning but otherwise I do all night wakings so I’m tired. So far I’ve barely tried to get the baby into his basket because trying to make DC1 sleep was such a trigger for my PND. Im generally fine with this but the upshot is that we are co sleeping and contact napping and baby won’t be put down so I’m spending 100% of my awake time and 90% of my asleep time with the baby on me.

Everything DH does rubs me up the wrong way. Suddenly his humour all seems offensive and juvenile. He snaps at our daughter and at me constantly. We haven’t had sex since October and honestly I feel guilty about it but I don’t have any desire to change that. We don’t kiss, we spend almost zero time alone together, I just feel like we are coparents rather than a couple. Sometimes I feel like I hate him. When he says he’s happy I want to slap him.

I’ve spent the last three years pregnant 50% of the time, breastfeeding the other 50%, ill, mentally and physically and I think it’s just killed our relationship. Is there any way back?

Currently hiding in the bath having abandoned him with both kids for the first time ever as I just couldn’t take it. But I can hear crying and snapping and I’m going to have to go an fix it in a minute.

I hope you have sorted very good birth control

I think it is absolutely possible you are just not in the right frame of mind.
Seek help for your MH, it might help you.

Also, keep the lines of communication open with your DH. This convo you had with him helped, so just keep doing it.

Why isn't he doing more night waking? It is possible to work and still do a share.

But, being massively sleep deprived does not make for the best state of mind for huge life decisions. Try to talk, be kind to each other, and find a time to get some sleep (I used to sleep 6pm to midnight when things were bad with my dc and swap with my dp then).

Abstinence is excellent contraception!

This is definitely part of it - I miss just hugging! It’s difficult with at least one child physically on me all the time but I will make more of an effort with this.

At the moment it’s just so much easier to settle the baby by feeding him and it feels cruel to make DH get up and spend an hour rocking the baby to sleep when I can get him quiet and calm in 5/10 minutes.

Your husband is still working excessively long hours if he is working 8:30 -10 pm every day - that is far too long. It compresses the time he has with you and the children, tires and stresses him out, forces more of the non-work burden on to you, stresses you out. There are lots of things going on but that is a key issue you are facing as a family.

I'm guessing there is a very good reason why he has to work such long hours? I'm thinking financially critical or life and death situation here.

Yep.

No special circumstances he’s just a city lawyer (we both are though I’ve gone part time and reduced my hours substantially since the kids).

You need to be able to put the baby into the moses basket if you want to or you are going to resent him.

If you can't put him down because it reminds you of difficulties getting your first baby to sleep then you need some psychological support.

And your husbands work hours are ridicoulas - he needs to take some control of this.

I agree re his hours, we have argued about it a lot but realistically they aren’t going to change any time soon.

An antenatal class teacher a friend had told the class not to get divorced in the first year after having a baby! I think it probably holds true for the second baby as well. They’re tough times. Lack of sleep, hormones all over the place, baby doesn’t want to be put down etc. Hold on in there and it will get better. My second only wanted to sleep on me. A sling was the route to freedom! Hope it gets better soon.

Listen, with a 2.5yr old and a clingy breastfed 11 wk old.... it's just a shite place you are in at the moment surely?
The moment to moment demands of life managing that just suck the joy out of everything.
If someone else in your shoes told me things were marvelous I'd call them a liar.
I had two at that age and it was a slow hard slog.

You are angry and frustrated and feeling trapped in general at your situation and the anger is probably getting projected at DH.
Which is much much better than you hating your baby for bloody needing you so much!!

Try to remember it's a tunnel and you will arrive at the other end soon. Talk to DH and see can you arrange some boundaried cuddle time without sex.

If your husband is a city lawyer you can afford a night nanny. Best money I ever spent. I can recommend a decent agency if you’re in London. In due course they can help with sleep training, but not with a tiny baby like you’ve got now. Honestly, even if you just do a night or two a week. They will bring baby through when they need a feed. I didn’t need one for the first few months as co-slept abd it was a dream, but was utter sleep deprived hell after 4 month sleep regression and night nanny was a godsend

Please don't be too hard on yourself, your baby is still a newborn. It took me until my DS was over 1 to feel some kind of normality but that's only looking back. In the moment I was so sad.

I think you need to chat to your DH about what he can do to help you.

Sleep deprivation is literal torture you can't think or function properly when utterly exhausted
I remember my h saying just give him a bottle, I was breastfeeding what felt constantly, I couldn't concentrate or function I was a shell of myself. The next day I decided to change to bottle feed. Meaning h and my mum could take baby for a while and feed while I slept.
I'm sure you and husband will be fine once this time ends
Good luck

I bet neither of you have changed, but your circumstances and challenges have. When the dust settles things will look better. I agree with the no decisons in the first 12 months "rule" - I applied that in my head a lot of times after both my children.

If your DH is a City lawyer, you have money. Use it. Get a night nanny or a maternity nurse in. Pay for cleaning. Outsource like mad. Your health and your marriage are worth it, and it will almost certainly be cheaper than divorce.

Your husband needs to cut his hours down. Does he have poor time management? Surely he can do some work at home when the kids have gone to bed? Surely you have money for a few hours of childcare to take the pressure off too.