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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay?!

103 replies

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:01

If a relative says to you "I would like to take your DC to Alton Towers with my DC", would you expect them to cover the cost or would you pay for your DC? (One child). Will know if IABU from the responses!

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 14/04/2023 22:46

Of course you offer to pay. Yabu not to have offered straight away.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/04/2023 22:52

The way it would worded sort of suggested they were going to pay, but it was a bit ambiguous. I would have offered to pay in your shoes but I wouldn’t have been expecting to book it separately- I’d have thought they’d book it and I’d be giving them the money if they accepted my offer. Often in my experience the offer wouldn’t be accepted but it does vary.

I personally wouldn’t say “can I take” such and such without intending to pay for them. If I couldn’t afford to pay for the other children I’d probably be suggesting that the other family come as a whole.

JudgeRudy · 14/04/2023 22:52

I wouldn't expect anything. I'd likely ask straight away either 'How much is it?',or say 'I don't think I can afford that.' If the inviter then said 'No my treat, l'd be delighted and ensure my child had cash on the day for food treats etc minimum.
If it was swimming or 2 kids going to cinema I'd just give them a little bit of cash or make up 2 goodie bags then return the favour. I would of course consider what (I believed to be) the parents financial status. It can be really cringey hearing someone say 'Oh its not expensive. It's only £30 plus a few drinks and a burger. Really good value. Well yes it might be, but that's my electric money.

JudgeRudy · 14/04/2023 22:55

Thursa · 14/04/2023 20:03

If we invited our kids friends out with us we paid for them. If our kids were invited places we offered to pay.

Ha ha. Yes, and feed their kids if they're there at meal times, but tell yours they should come home when families are eating!

Hadalifeonce · 14/04/2023 22:57

It's a tough one, everybody's expectations seem to be different.

My SiL once asked if DS could go to their holiday home with them to keep their son company. He was about 10, his cousin 8. I gave DS some money and told him to make sure he bought some ice creams etc. for everybody I drove 2 hours to drop him off, a week later I drove 2 hours to collect him, and was presented with a bill for food, drinks and the odd trip out.
I was in shock, particularly about charging for food, he had no option but to go on trips with them, even when he didn't enjoy it. Essentially I not only subsidised the week in their holiday home, but provided the playmate/babysitter for their DS.

whereaw · 14/04/2023 22:58

If I was going to ask someone I'd make it clear what I was offering / what was expected in the original invitation. Seems strange that people think it was your responsibility to ask/ offer when non of it was your idea in the first place!

Dibbydoos · 14/04/2023 23:02

If someone invited my child to a theme park, thry would normally pay, but honestly, just ask...

SequinsandStilettos · 14/04/2023 23:04

Ouch. Just looked. Wed £36 Fri £39 Wkd £44 Day before £59
Ker-ching.
All I can think is they didn't realise how expensive it is, especially if you book close to when you want to go.
Am surprised they aren't using 2 for 1s and splitting with you (KFC had these last year until July 2023). If phrased as birthday celebration, I'd have also thought it was their treat, yes.

geeinitpal · 14/04/2023 23:08

I'd expect to pay for a trip like that. Today my friends husband took his kids to big beach park and offered to take my daughter also. I gave £20 to daughter to get everyone an ice cream, I text friends husband to let him know that she had that money. She came back with the money as friends husband had bought them all an ice cream and refused to take the money from my daughter.

So yes, I always expect, I always offer/give money, and if they choose to pay then I thank them.

Certainly when I take my daughter and her friend on a trip out or to a soft play, I pay it and wouldn't expect the parents to.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/04/2023 23:08

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 14/04/2023 21:55

I would always offer to pay for my DC.
But I would also pay for any child I invited out with me.

I think both parties should be offering to at here, and the polite thing would be for the host to say "no, don't be silly, just send some pocket money for the gift shop!"

Yes this is what I think is the norm

Silentmama · 14/04/2023 23:16

I have expected the other party to pay for the 'birthday' events. Sent them with money for drink/snacks and a birthday gift .

Rewis · 14/04/2023 23:18

I always expect to pay unless explicitly stated otherwise. But from that specific wording it could go either way since they are making it sound like you'd be doing them a favor by letting your child go.

Throughalookingglass · 14/04/2023 23:18

I think another way of looking at it is if your child was invited to a birthday party at e.g. a trampoline park - would you offer to pay for your child? You wouldn't surely. You'd accept/decline and your child would bring a present roughly the price of the cost of hosting your child.
AT is an alternative to the OP's relative's child's birthday party and presumably they have chosen somewhere more expensive because there are fewer children being asked and in this case perhaps only one other child - the OP's child.
Inviting the OP's child and then asking them to buy their own ticket is simply rude. I don't care about cultural differences/financial status or any of the other 'explanations' people have offered.
The OP was issued with an invitation. If the people 'inviting' think its too expensive to pay for another child, then they should cut their cloth to suit their measure, and choose a less expensive birthday treat. It is cheeky of them to ask the OP if she had bought a ticket. If I was the OP, I'd decline the invitation and go instead with her child/children herself.
And I'm saying that as someone pays for other people's children when I invite and offer to pay when my children are invited.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 15/04/2023 00:35

I'd offer and expect to pay, but I wouldn't have expected to have to book the ticket as well. That's really weird of them.

For a birthday I would have thought it would be covered by the other parent but I'd still offer.

PickleOfAConundrum · 15/04/2023 00:40

I've always believed in if I'm invited anywhere I'd expect them to pay. The same goes for if I invite people anywhere I'd pay for them as it's only fair I do that!

OhMyCherriePie · 15/04/2023 00:49

I would have expected to pay.

JMSA · 15/04/2023 00:52

I would pay for my own child. And thank my lucky stars that it wasn't me having to go!

ImSweetEnoughDarlin · 15/04/2023 00:52

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:01

If a relative says to you "I would like to take your DC to Alton Towers with my DC", would you expect them to cover the cost or would you pay for your DC? (One child). Will know if IABU from the responses!

"I would like to take" = they pay

"Does your dc want to come" = you pay.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 15/04/2023 01:05

How about: Sounds great. How must does it cost so I know how much money to send along with dc? Relative can then clarify if it's a treat or not.

mondaytosunday · 15/04/2023 02:58

Id assume it was a treat, but I'd always offer to pay anyway. And I'd give the kids a bit of spending money for snacks etc, though if I was taking would pay for that. People can be weird so I'd always offer to make sure.

Nicecow · 15/04/2023 03:16

Hard one! Initially I'd assume they were paying, but because they have a DC and it sounds more like a playdate/them doing something nice for your DC that you'd pay. Although I'd probably still lean towards them paying, as then it should've been worded "I'm going to bla bla, would you like me to also take DC". But this is the problem with human beings, communication and assumptions! 😀

MyopicBunny · 15/04/2023 03:19

It's reasonable to assume in the scenario you describe that the person offering should pay.

MyopicBunny · 15/04/2023 03:20

However, when this has happened to me I have always said 'do you need me to send money and if so, how much?'

StoppinBy · 15/04/2023 03:44

I would assume they meant to pay but offer some money.

In reverse if I made the offer, my intention would be to pay and I wouldn't accept any money from the other family.

steff13 · 15/04/2023 04:23

Thursa · 14/04/2023 20:03

If we invited our kids friends out with us we paid for them. If our kids were invited places we offered to pay.

Yeah, this is us exactly.