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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who should pay?!

103 replies

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:01

If a relative says to you "I would like to take your DC to Alton Towers with my DC", would you expect them to cover the cost or would you pay for your DC? (One child). Will know if IABU from the responses!

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 14/04/2023 20:13

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:11

Thanks for responses. I interpreted it as an invitation, but received a text this morning asking if I'd booked DC's ticket. Won't make a fuss about it and will book the ticket but was wondering if I was being unreasonable to expect that it would have been paid for by them.

Yes, yabu to expect them to pay.

neilyoungismyhero · 14/04/2023 20:13

I think I would just ask the question how much money does he need to take if you're in an OK position to afford it and happy to pay. If she is says nothing it's my shout I'd probably give them 20 quid or so for drinks.

PussInBin20 · 14/04/2023 20:13

I would always offer to pay for my DD in this situation as I know it is expensive, regardless of who the invite was from or what they said. I wouldn’t just assume they were paying.

Tarantullah · 14/04/2023 20:14

I think it depends really, if someone is inviting them I'd expect them to be upfront about whether you need to pay or not before telling the child etc so have a chance to say sorry I can't afford it but thanks for the invite.

Bunnichick · 14/04/2023 20:15

How much is it?

If it required booking I'd probably have offered to pay for your one child.

Original poster
intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:16

The phrasing was along the lines of "for DD's birthday, we are going to Alton Towers on x date. We would love to take your dc along with us"

OP posts:
HeddaGarbled · 14/04/2023 20:17

I would offer to pay regardless of which person I was, and then would either pay up or accept gracefully depending on the response. If I couldn’t afford it, I would make that very clear right at the beginning of negotiations.

You can all state the unspoken rules with utter certainty but people with different backgrounds and traditions may have different ones and it’s thoughtless and insular to assume your unspoken rules are the only possible or correct ones.

An open-mind, generosity and plain-speaking can head off a multitude of mix-ups.

drpet49 · 14/04/2023 20:19

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:16

The phrasing was along the lines of "for DD's birthday, we are going to Alton Towers on x date. We would love to take your dc along with us"

So they want to take your child to provide entertainment for their children but want you to pay for it.

Regularfantaorange · 14/04/2023 20:19

They should book the ticket whether you pay for it or not. Why would you book your own kids tickets for an event and not book one for the other child you invited and are bringing with you? They could just ask you for the money or tell you how much it cost. I think it is odd.

Throughalookingglass · 14/04/2023 20:21

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:16

The phrasing was along the lines of "for DD's birthday, we are going to Alton Towers on x date. We would love to take your dc along with us"

I said earlier I always offer to pay if invited and pay if I'm doing the inviting. But....in this instance, I'd assume they were going to pay as it was a birthday outing for their child in lieu of a party.
I'd offer to pay but would have expected them to say no tbh.

itsgettingweird · 14/04/2023 20:21

I wouldn't expect someone else to pay and would always offer.

But I would expect them to at least get the rocket when then for theres and let me know how much a I owe!!!

Chattycathydoll · 14/04/2023 20:24

It depends on the circumstances of everyone involved surely. My brother who’s not too well off, I’d anticipate paying. My closest friends who earn more than double what I do, each, I’d anticipate they were treating her.

Sometimeswinning · 14/04/2023 20:24

icelollycraving · 14/04/2023 20:13

Yes, yabu to expect them to pay.

Show quote history

It's not. It's the norm in my circle and would be explained if not. I usually go down the route of inviting the parent and child. That way if parent can't make it then it's still obvious they pay.

If I only invite the child then I'm paying.

44PumpLane · 14/04/2023 20:27

" I would like to take X to Alton with my kid" = they should be paying

"We are going to Alton, does X want to come too"? = I'd assume I'm paying for my child

In either scenario I would pay for the guest if I was asking, unless it was super expensive.
But your relative wording it that they wanted to take your child would definitely say to me that they were paying.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 14/04/2023 20:27

That was an invitation, OP, you weren't wrong in your interpretation of it. I'm surprised that a relative wouldn't pay for their niece/nephew actually.

Bad form of relative to be so unclear. If it were merely a question as to whether your child would like to join then it would have been something like, "I'm taking my child to Alton Towers on x-date. If you like, your child could come with us.".

The 'I'd like to take your child' is the invitation bit and that was loud and clear. Nothing wrong with paying for your own child but your relative isn't hosting the event, they're just going and wondered if you child wants to go too.

I've seen dozens of threads over the years about invitations to dinner that really aren't, they're just ponderings as to whether people would like to join them; no intention of paying for them so not hosting. Some people like to think that they're hosting when they're really not, they're just booking a venue and everybody pays for themselves.

Mummyoflittledragon · 14/04/2023 20:52

I think it’s a bit surprising they didn’t offer to pay for a birthday tbh but appreciate it is expensive. It’s really rather rude not to book the ticket and expect you to book it separately. I’m not surprised you thought they’d pay tbh but I would always offer even under these circumstances.

Mybumlooksbig · 14/04/2023 21:00

I'd offer some lunch money for them all or entrance money.. would offer something and wouldn't be offended if they took the money.

Merryoldgoat · 14/04/2023 21:03

icelollycraving · 14/04/2023 20:12

I always offer to pay. I’d give money for extras too. If I took another child, I’d pay.

This sums it up for me.

BelleMarionette · 14/04/2023 21:04

This is something that should be made clear at the time of the invite, to avoid any confusion. They are B a bit U by inviting your child and not making it clear at the time that they were expecting you to pay.

I8toys · 14/04/2023 21:05

Expect them to pay but just provide spends for food etc.

Lasouthpaw · 14/04/2023 21:05

I'd say in reply, sounds good, could you let me know how much it will cost as we're on a bit of a budget (which is true)

If they reply with the cost and we can afford it, then I'd pay. If not, I'd say so and say we'd be happy to celebrate at another time though.

If they offered to pay, I'd graciously accept.

So several different possible responses I could see myself giving, wouldn't just expect relative to pay at all but wouldn't mind if they did, considering it's their invitation for their child's birthday.

ChickenDhansak82 · 14/04/2023 21:06

intheclouds997 · 14/04/2023 20:16

The phrasing was along the lines of "for DD's birthday, we are going to Alton Towers on x date. We would love to take your dc along with us"

Well that's different then! If it's their daughter's birthday then they ought to be paying really so it's rather cheeky of them! They're probably using the get a child free passes for their own!

Any otjet scenario I'd offer to pay.

Eggseggseverywhere · 14/04/2023 21:06

They want a partner for their dd on the rides and want you to pay for the privilege..
Cfery imo.

Morechocmorechoc · 14/04/2023 21:10

Yep for a birthday they should pay. I'd personally reply and say oh sorry as it was for your dd I thought you'd covered it. No worries I'll get her the ticket then.

KarmaStar · 14/04/2023 21:11

If I invited child I would pay,it was my idea,my invitation,my shout.
If mine were invited I would offer.