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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry by response

90 replies

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 17:48

I’m not sure if I am overthinking or over reacting but now I’m home I am really annoyed.
My ex & I share 1 DD (9) & we have week on week off arrangement as we live in spitting distance so works well.
My ex contacted me on Wed to ask if I could collect DD at 3 today as he couldn’t get out of work for usual drop off as he has been asked to cover for unwell colleague & his wife is going out at 5 so wouldn’t be able to have her longer, I told him that I as I finish work at 4 & after commute couldn’t her there until 4:30/45 ish which he said was fine. Unfortunately I couldn’t leave exactly at 4 so got there at 4:55 & his wife was fuming.

BTW she & I have no bad blood at all but she was so angry as she said I’d delayed her plans & that she’d have to rearrange her travel arrangements because she thought I was coming latest at 4:45 & that I’d ruined her evening because she had to rearrange things. I get that I was later but only by 10 mins so I fail to understand how it’s ruined her evening.

AIBU so should offer her a genuine apology
AINBU just let her suck it up & ignore

OP posts:
Mogul · 14/04/2023 19:00

JackieQueen · 14/04/2023 18:45

You were doing them a favour, anyone can get held up, yanbu,

She was doing the ex a favour not his wife

Probz · 14/04/2023 19:00

Yeah she has every right to be pissed off

Aquamarine1029 · 14/04/2023 19:04

You were running very late and should have called her. She's probably fed up with babysitting your child.

TheMatriarchy · 14/04/2023 19:10

Just say no in the future, no good deed goes unpunished.

TheMatriarchy · 14/04/2023 19:10

10 minutes is very late?! Weird.

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 19:12

You could have just offered to give her a lift to wherever she was going.

TorchwoodWho · 14/04/2023 19:13

YANBU - you were covering for your ex, if she's annoyed at anyone it should be him.
10 minutes is hardly "very late". 😂

EmilyGilmoresSass · 14/04/2023 19:14

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 18:39

My ex & I rarely have this problem it’s occasional bit both try to facilitate each other. I’m unsure as she was really cross & I didn’t understand but in hindsight I should have been more considerate. She wasn’t rude to me just angry

I'd be grateful for that. If you'd done that to me I'd probably have been very rude. A simple direct message to the person kind enough to mind your child so close to leaving her house was the very least I'd expect. I'd have been texting her with updates and then giving a very sincere apology upon arrival. I'd also accept and expect anger from her.

Topseyt123 · 14/04/2023 19:17

You really should have just phoned her directly once you realised that you would be late. Not doing at least that was very thoughtless.

Possibly you could have mitigated things by offering to give her a lift yourself to make up for causing her to miss her original one.

It's good that you will be apologising to her.

Original poster
Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 19:19

EmilyGilmoresSass · 14/04/2023 19:14

I'd be grateful for that. If you'd done that to me I'd probably have been very rude. A simple direct message to the person kind enough to mind your child so close to leaving her house was the very least I'd expect. I'd have been texting her with updates and then giving a very sincere apology upon arrival. I'd also accept and expect anger from her.

Show quote history

Yes you’re right, as I say she wasn’t rude or nasty towards me just pissed off. I absolutely will apologise to her as she’s been nothing but kind to my DD & it’s not her responsibility. I think I just was surprised at her angry reaction when I picked her up

OP posts:
AnneElliott · 14/04/2023 19:20

You're doing your ex a favour so she is BU. I get she's annoyed about missing her lift but it's the ex she needs to be annoyed at - not you! What if you had said no to the favour? If I'm doing a favour I don't expect shit for being 10 mins later than planned. I wouldn't be agreeing to a favour again.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 14/04/2023 19:22

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 19:19

Yes you’re right, as I say she wasn’t rude or nasty towards me just pissed off. I absolutely will apologise to her as she’s been nothing but kind to my DD & it’s not her responsibility. I think I just was surprised at her angry reaction when I picked her up

Show quote history

Maybe she's being made into default parent by your ex more often than you know about - and he tends to be 'accidentally' delayed at work every time she's about to go out/do something for herself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/04/2023 19:28

I do think it’s more your ex she should be pissed off with rather that you. Equally, I think that you should have messaged/ called her directly rather than messaging your ex about being late.

I also wonder if he puts her in the position of having to be the babysitter more often than you know, and this is why she’s annoyed.

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 19:30

AnneElliott · 14/04/2023 19:20

You're doing your ex a favour so she is BU. I get she's annoyed about missing her lift but it's the ex she needs to be annoyed at - not you! What if you had said no to the favour? If I'm doing a favour I don't expect shit for being 10 mins later than planned. I wouldn't be agreeing to a favour again.

The woman was doing her DP a favour too, though, and he told her she'd be fine to stick with her original plans. Just because OP did her ex a favour, doesn't mean this woman should feel the impact.

Iyjd · 14/04/2023 19:31

Iloveacurry · 14/04/2023 17:58

I think she is being unreasonable. At the end of the day, you got there before 5 when she had plans. Also, you were doing your ex and her a favour by stepping in with your son. What would they have done if you made plans yourself and couldn’t help out?

And his wife was doing her husband and his ex a favour looking after their child. I would expect the parents plans to be impacted before the person helping you out.

Ktime · 14/04/2023 19:37

What time do you usually pick up dd?

Surely she should be more annoyed at your ex?

Ktime · 14/04/2023 19:38

Iyjd · 14/04/2023 19:31

And his wife was doing her husband and his ex a favour looking after their child. I would expect the parents plans to be impacted before the person helping you out.

Show quote history

Surely she was doing ex a favour? He’s the one who asked OP.

Ktime · 14/04/2023 19:38

*her husband

Original poster
Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 19:44

Ktime · 14/04/2023 19:37

What time do you usually pick up dd?

Surely she should be more annoyed at your ex?

I pick her up on Sat morning but that’s irrelevant we co parent effectively as no animosity, don’t usually have a problem with this at all

OP posts:
TorchwoodWho · 14/04/2023 19:50

GoodChat · 14/04/2023 19:30

The woman was doing her DP a favour too, though, and he told her she'd be fine to stick with her original plans. Just because OP did her ex a favour, doesn't mean this woman should feel the impact.

Show quote history

OP could have been unable to do the favour then her plans would have been completely ruined.

MissMaple82 · 14/04/2023 19:51

Leave her to it. The dad shouldn't have agreed to work overtime as he had commitments. You've done wrong, shit happens, 10 mins is hardly ruining her life, the big drama queen.

TheWorldisGoingMad · 14/04/2023 19:52

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 19:44

I pick her up on Sat morning but that’s irrelevant we co parent effectively as no animosity, don’t usually have a problem with this at all

Show quote history

If your Ex works on a ward and you're both in the same field, I can understand you may be delayed through no fault of your own. I think you can explain this to her in your apology, so that she may also see she was being overly harsh.

Imagine, for example, you were trying to save someone's life. You can't just stop and say, sorry, have to go now...

10 minutes is not the end of the world in the grand scheme of things, There are bigger things in life to worry about.,

MissMaple82 · 14/04/2023 19:53

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 18:58

Because her friend was picking her up at end of road for 4:50 so she assumed DD would be picked up at 4:45 latest. Now I read back I can see how she is pissed off

Show quote history

Well she should be angry at her so-called friend for not hanging fire for a few minutes!

Original poster
Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 19:57

I think I was angry about her reaction but now I reflect I get it. I guess knee jerk reaction. She’s never been angry with me before so suppose I wasn’t expecting that reaction. I am sorry if I delayed her plans tbh as she didn’t know I would be late if ex couldn’t tell her.

OP posts:
arethereanyleftatall · 14/04/2023 20:03

9 years old and NT? I would have just found out how far away you were and left her alone for the half an hour. I actually think it's important to start leaving kids around 9 for small amounts of time to work in small steps towards the fact they could be left all day as soon as they get to year 7.

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