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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry by response

90 replies

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 17:48

I’m not sure if I am overthinking or over reacting but now I’m home I am really annoyed.
My ex & I share 1 DD (9) & we have week on week off arrangement as we live in spitting distance so works well.
My ex contacted me on Wed to ask if I could collect DD at 3 today as he couldn’t get out of work for usual drop off as he has been asked to cover for unwell colleague & his wife is going out at 5 so wouldn’t be able to have her longer, I told him that I as I finish work at 4 & after commute couldn’t her there until 4:30/45 ish which he said was fine. Unfortunately I couldn’t leave exactly at 4 so got there at 4:55 & his wife was fuming.

BTW she & I have no bad blood at all but she was so angry as she said I’d delayed her plans & that she’d have to rearrange her travel arrangements because she thought I was coming latest at 4:45 & that I’d ruined her evening because she had to rearrange things. I get that I was later but only by 10 mins so I fail to understand how it’s ruined her evening.

AIBU so should offer her a genuine apology
AINBU just let her suck it up & ignore

OP posts:
Rosula · 14/04/2023 18:21

She must have been getting increasingly worried when you didn't turn up till so late. I don't see how anyone can say confidently that you didn't ruin her evening - at the very least she went out feeling stressed, not happy and relaxed, and you may have messed up her travel arrangements.

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 18:24

I assume you did apologise in person when you got there?

wordler · 14/04/2023 18:26

I would have apologised for not letting her know you were going to be later than you thought, and then offered her a lift.

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 18:29

As you didn’t message her direct, it’s fair enough she was cross. I get that you were doing your exH a favour, but she was too. You should both be annoyed with him, if anything. Send her a text and say ‘sorry again for being a bit late, should’ve thought to message you not exH I was just replying in haste on the text chain. Thanks for stepping in to collect from school, hope you had a good evening’.

Sometimes it’s just useful to be the bigger person even if you don’t really feel in the wrong.

pikkumyy77 · 14/04/2023 18:29

Next time don’t do your ex a favor.

MrsDoylesDoily · 14/04/2023 18:29

NoSquirrels · 14/04/2023 18:24

I assume you did apologise in person when you got there?

It doesn't sound like it.

OP is literally asking internet strangers if she should give a 'genuine' apology.

Modaboutyou · 14/04/2023 18:30

Sorry but YABU, I would be annoyed too.
You knew in advance so could have flagged up at work today that you've got to be out on time.
You didn't contact her to let her know you would be late so she couldn't make other arrangements.

PrincessofWellies · 14/04/2023 18:31

Your ex is the problem not you. Push the blame firmly back with him.

RampantIvy · 14/04/2023 18:32

Sorry, but YABU. Messaging your ex who was covering staff shortages on a busy ward wasn't the brightest thing to do.

Retrievemysanity · 14/04/2023 18:37

If you get on well with your ex’s wife usually then I would message her and say you’re really sorry, you had messaged your ex about running late and just hadn’t thought to message her directly and that you hope she manages to have a nice evening regardless. I don’t think it’s the end of the world, I can imagine that she was sat at home getting more and more worked up and was just frustrated when you arrived but she’s probably calmed down now. These things happen, it’s not worth falling out about.

BucketList101 · 14/04/2023 18:37

Irrelevant now but could you not have given her a lift as she missed hers?

Prahdeepx · 14/04/2023 18:38

Your ex was unavailable so he made arrangements. He asked you to pick DD up, and you agreed. So it was on you to turn up at the time you promised. And you failed to do so. I imagine that the wife will refuse to help you both in future and she has every right. You don’t go back on promises that you’ve made.

Original poster
Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 18:39

My ex & I rarely have this problem it’s occasional bit both try to facilitate each other. I’m unsure as she was really cross & I didn’t understand but in hindsight I should have been more considerate. She wasn’t rude to me just angry

OP posts:
SorePaw · 14/04/2023 18:43

You need to offer a genuine apology. ExH asked, you agreed, then YOU were late, you made her late & you didn't even think to let the person looking after your child know, you treated her liked the hired help (the badly treated hired help!).

you made her late for her night out, she missed her lift & had the delay, cost & lateness, all for doing you a favour.

be honest, how avoidable was leaving work late??

FabFitFifties · 14/04/2023 18:44

Could you not of offered a lift?

JackieQueen · 14/04/2023 18:45

You were doing them a favour, anyone can get held up, yanbu,

SunnySaturdayMorning · 14/04/2023 18:47

JackieQueen · 14/04/2023 18:45

You were doing them a favour, anyone can get held up, yanbu,

Yes, anyone can get held up, but it’s polite to let the person who is waiting on you know.

BreviloquentBastard · 14/04/2023 18:49

Could you not have offered her a lift once you realised your lateness had made her miss her ride?

I can see why she's pissed off, but I do think it's more your ex's problem than yours. However if you didn't message her to let her know you were running late or apologise to her at the time that's a bit knobby of you.

Original poster
Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 18:50

Thank you, I appreciate comments, I should have been more explicit in my capacity to pick up DD on time as my ex did give me notice. I will call & offer an apology. Not tonight though as I don’t want to further ruin her night!

OP posts:
Theunamedcat · 14/04/2023 18:50

How did she miss her lift at five if you got there at five too? Seriously my town has exploded in roadworks this half term I'm having to leave thirty minutes early for a ten minute car journey there is no way i would expect anyone to be on time right now

MrsDoylesDoily · 14/04/2023 18:51

JackieQueen · 14/04/2023 18:45

You were doing them a favour, anyone can get held up, yanbu,

She was doing her ex a favour, not 'them'.

And a polite message to say OP was running late, could well have meant the wife's lift would wait for her.

RockGirl · 14/04/2023 18:51

JackieQueen · 14/04/2023 18:45

You were doing them a favour, anyone can get held up, yanbu,

She wasn't doing them a favour. She was helping her ex out. If anything her ex's wife was doing both of them a favour.

ANiceBigCupOfTea · 14/04/2023 18:57

You made her late.
No good in you and ex blaming eachother
Apologise and keep the peace. She's the one caught in the middle of all this.

Original poster
Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 18:58

Theunamedcat · 14/04/2023 18:50

How did she miss her lift at five if you got there at five too? Seriously my town has exploded in roadworks this half term I'm having to leave thirty minutes early for a ten minute car journey there is no way i would expect anyone to be on time right now

Because her friend was picking her up at end of road for 4:50 so she assumed DD would be picked up at 4:45 latest. Now I read back I can see how she is pissed off

OP posts:
Lizzt2007 · 14/04/2023 18:59

Richierich77 · 14/04/2023 18:50

Thank you, I appreciate comments, I should have been more explicit in my capacity to pick up DD on time as my ex did give me notice. I will call & offer an apology. Not tonight though as I don’t want to further ruin her night!

Well done op. This is how effective joint parenting happens. Things sometimes go wrong, but reflecting and accepting means everyone can soothe ruffled feathers and move on.