No kids, feeling sad about the rest of my life

[FeelingSoSad38]

Hi, I’ve read so many posts since finding this site a year ago and finally decided to post as Il feeling so desperately sad and people on here always seem like such a supportive bunch.

I’m 38F, I met a Peter Pan guy in 2020 who I fell for even though he seemed emotionally unavailable as I hadn’t met someone I clicked with in a long time. We dated for a year before I got tired of him not giving me what a needed and I ended it. After just over a week he came back and said he wanted a relationship and as we were both older and he knew I wanted kids he said we should just see if it happened and that he couldn’t wait to start a family with me.

The months went by and the relationship was pretty good and he’d made quite a few changes and I was excited about our life together. I hadn’t got pregnant after a few months so started to take it a bit more seriously and went for a few tests which seemed ok. He was meant to go for tests but kept putting it off. Then one day he said he didn’t think he wanted kids. From all his previous behaviour I felt he was messing me around so I ended it.

I then decided to do egg freezing and found out I have low egg reserve but was still trying to go ahead with it. I then started to get bad peri symptoms and am now going for tests to confirm premature menopause so looks like I’ll never have biological children :(. I feel so sad about this and about the rest of my life now and to top it off yesterday I saw that my ex has a new gf while I’m still single.

I just feel my life has felt so unfair and I feel so hopeless. I would never kill myself but if there was an option to click my fingers and it would all be over I would.

Thanks if you’ve read this. Anyone been through anything similar or have any advice, although I don’t know what I’m hoping for

Please call your GP or The Samaritans and talk to someone. TODAY.

You could adopt? It sounds as though you have a lot of love to give. please be kind to yourself. x

I’m so sorry OP, this is really tough and you are absolutely right to feel however you want to

I have a very good friend who this happened to, she was devastated as you’d expect but she went on to adopt two lovely little girls a few years apart. Perhaps that would be an option?

otherwise maybe take a step back, look at what else in your life makes it fulfilling - hobbies, friendships, pets etc and in the meantime work on some of those?

I'm so sorry OP. Childlessness not by choice is brutal and many won't get it and you'll get loads of 'just adopt!' comments in a minute.

Two pieces of advice from me - first, use Instagram to connect with others. There are LOTS of childless not by choice pages and they post really excellent support and guidance.

Second, ask your clinic to really spell out every option for you, with your eggs but also donor eggs, donor sperm, donor embryos etc. At the moment, your head is fuzzy with the grief and panic and what ifs, so ask your clinic to be exceptionally clear with you about what is possible and what is not, costs and time frames. Many people do have children at the edges of what seems possible, so that is worth exploring. That said, it is also okay to say that ship has sailed and to seek support for that grief.

There's a lovely tiktok video which I've posted on here before but can't find right now - the gist of it is, "this might not be okay... but you will be". I really hold onto that in awful moments. X

Infertility is horrendous and so so unfair. Please please speak to a professional. The fertility clinic you used to try and freeze your eggs will have a therapist attached to them used to dealing with these issues and can help you sort your thoughts out and explore options.

You will find a way through even though it might feel hopeless now.

Thanks for the quick response. I’m not in a bad enough state to call my GP or Samaritans though. I’m functioning and I do have enjoyable days. I just feel so sad that my life isn’t going to be what I had hoped. I don’t currently want to adopt, it’s hard, I’m single and it won’t magically make me happy

Hi OP. Didn't want to read and run. I am also childless (of my own biological children) due to physical issues which i discovered around your age (I'm now 62). It is a very hard readjustment to make and will take time and a real effort to find any positives in your situation. But there are some, I promise you. I met my now DH when I was 39, and we married 2 years later. He already had a 12 year old son from his previous marriage, so I became a stepmum. It's not quite the same I know, but honestly I came to love that boy as fiercely as if he were my own. Recently he and his wife have had their first child, a daughter, so now I get to be grandma too. You really never can tell where life will lead you. All I can say is do try to keep yourself open to the unexpected as life does have a funny way of giving you the greatest of gifts in the strangest of ways.

I hope you find a way to get through this.

Sorry you are going through this. Gateway Women is a very helpful organisation

https://gateway-women.com/

I'm so sorry you are having such a horrible time. If you were interested then you could investigate egg donation etc. and go through IVF on your own. I have a family member who recently did that after being diagnosed with low ovarian reserve. I also have friends who have adopted and it is has been hugely rewarding for them. If you decided that these options did not appeal then I'm sure that you could build a happy and rewarding life. I think the key is to look for support and limit your time with people like your ex-bf. Keep going - better times to come xxx

Thanks for the quick and kind responses. I am speaking to the therapist from the fertility clinic I went to and have another session next week. I decided a couple of weeks ago that I couldn’t do the egg freezing as my peri symptoms were so bad I knew it would be unlikely to be successful. So I’m hoping I can still speak to the therapist even though im no longer having the treatment.

I just feel hopeless as I’m single and it’s hard to navigate dating as it is without finding out you’re likely going through an early menopause

I have no advice but just wanted to send strength and support. Even if you can't speak to that therapist, find someone to talk this through with. It's always tough when life doesn't deliver how you expected, but other things can bloom and suprrise and delight in strange and unexpected ways when you're least expecting it. Not to minimise how you're feeling now though, I can hear the pain and hurt in your message, but please do hold on that good and joyful things will come x

Thanks @Biffatcrafts , your post was very touching, made me cry but also feel less alone to know someone who was in a similar position and has come through the other side.

I know all the suggestions of adoption, egg donation etc are coming from a kind place and they are things that I know are potential options in the future but they are not fixes for me now, especially while single.

That’s shit OP, I’m sorry.

I have a friend who went through very similar. The suggestions of adoption from people really pissed her off. Adoption is a very different path which can be very difficult and shouldn’t just be suggested lightly as a ‘fix’ to not being able to have bio children.

She did get therapy and she is happy and positive about her life now. It took a while for her to get to that stage but she is there.

💐

Thanks for your response @BoycottBudLight was your friend also single at the time?

I think that’s what’s making the situation even worse…. When people normally have this bad news they have a partner, someone to support them and someone to figure out the next steps with. They can to do IVF to see if it can work, they can think about moving on to donor eggs or whether adoption is right for them as a couple. Being single means I just don’t have that so I’m not in a position to even be thinking about those things

This happened to me too. Iam married so a different situation. We tried for years, and at 28 I got pregnant, was overjoyed, but had a miscarriage at 8 weeks.
Obviously a very difficult time. I felt lonely and as if I was trying to climb a mountain and couldn't.
However it did get better, and we have a great life now although still childless. I didn't get pregnant again.
Friends, family, hobbies and work took over. We travel, have lots of free time and time for each other.
I hope you can get it come to terms with it. I wish you luck.

Hi OP, just wanted to add that I was also single when I discovered my own fertility situation. I had been in a long term relationship, but it ended about a year and a half before I found out I could not have children. It is massively hard to bear this alone, and in those moments when you so desperately need a big hug and to feel someone close by (often no words needed) you will feel alone and lonely as I did. I chose to concentrate and nurture my closest friendships - not a huge group, but just 2 or 3 people with whom I really could be myself with. They were there for me when all I could say was that I just need a hug - no words, no advice, just a simple hug.

What I also did was force myself to do really random things on my own. I joined a potholing group, went to a pottery class, took up yoga and went to a Russian language class and just did stuff that made me laugh. There were a few failures like kayaking - I nearly drowned - (note to self learn to swim better before trying white water again 🤣) but some great successes too and it made me a more interesting and adventurous person I think.

I eventually met my now DH at a seminar run by my local Chamber of Commerce for people thinking about starting their own businesses. I wasn't planning on starting my own, but figured I might meet a few go-getters there who had ambitions for their lives ... and I did! So look for opportunities in out of the box places, and I will keep my fingers crossed you find someone awesome who loves you just the way you are.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP.

OP, are all your options exhausted. You talk about your perimenopause symptoms and low reserve but does this mean there are no chances at all? Is it the cost that is holding you up? Or have the specialist said your eggs quality are too low to have even a chance?

Would you consider doing IVF with sperm? Or ultimately donor egg, with or without a partner?

Thanks for your second message @Biffatcrafts I really appreciate you taking the time to tell me more about your situation.

I have been trying just to enjoy life and living in the moment. I actually just started up a hobby again and am really into it now. I feel really happy when involved in it and love that it’s all I think about at the time. I’ve made some new friends from it and I’m even going for a long weekend away to do the hobby and do think how lovely it would be if I met someone through it. I’m also lucky enough that most of my close friends don’t have kids yet and so we go out and to festivals and holiday’s together.

It just feels hard at the moment being single and currently going through the process of testing to confirm early menopause and knowing this means I won’t have the life in the future that I thought I’d have and hoped for.

I think I was set off being upset again finding out my ex has met someone and thinking I bet he’ll decide he wants kids in the future and will have them and just how unfair it all is.

I feel sad that he wasted what was my last chance to possibly have a biological child and it’s not something I can undo/go back in time and change

This is lovely and really made me smile.

My grandfather wasn't my biological granda but he was wonderful and couldn't have loved us more. Its the same with my DD, her grandad isn't her biological grandfather but he absolutely dotes on her.

Hi @vivainsomnia , it’s not that there is absolutely no chance but extremely unlikely. I had the low reserve diagnosis 8 months ago (having only minimal peri symptoms) and was going to go through egg freezing knowing I might not respond or if I did get very few eggs <5 which would likely also be low quality given my age. I decide to take a few months to get in a good physical state in the hopes to get good egg quality. So I started supplements, exercise, good diet and low/no alcohol. I had been planning to book in for egg freezing but started to feel like my body was crumbling with worsening symptoms, night sweats, some hot flashes, hair loss, anxiety and so I knew I couldn’t go through with it feeling like this to which the fertility doctor agreed and that it wasn’t a good sign. So instead I had to go to my gp for menopause testing.

I guess if I went through rounds and rounds of IVF with donor sperm right now there would be a very small possibility of that working but with each round costing £8k+ and feeling very sick atm with symptoms it is not really a viable option

I too am single (44) and my chances of having my own children has passed. I can fully understand the sadness at facing a future childless. It's like grieving for the life you thought you would have.

OP, I married age 30 and started trying for a baby around a year later and nothing happened. All tests came back as normal but 8 years on I was still childless. We did IVF with no luck until I fell pregnant naturally and had DD when I was 39. I'm not sure how low your AMH is but mine was quite low the last time it was checked before I got pregnant with DD. I think it was maybe 3.

You never know what's around the corner. But there are options available if you can't have your own biological child. I honestly know how horrendous infertility is, no-one can imagine unless they've been through it.

Also child free not by choice BUT if you ask me now would I want kids I'd probably say no. I've been able to build a different life for myself and I really like it. I teach at a uni so I hang out with young people all day but don't have to pay for their trainers, if you see what I mean. I have a great life and I can see now (mid 40s) that it worked out for the best for me - yes, sometimes I'm still sad about it but mostly I'm not. Allow yourself time to grieve but you WILL feel less sad in time. (I'm prob 6 years ahead of you in this if that help).

Hugs OP. I felt the same as you up till some years ago. I met my wonderful DH. Although later in life but he's the best human and well worth the wait. You might meet the one later this year or early the next. The trick is to keep living life. Find what you enjoy. Build a support system. Like you just cried out here. I joined of group on FB of single women looking to date for marriage. We formed pseudo FB profiles so we could discuss freely. Many of us got married and the group helped us stay hopeful and enjoy the process. All the best. You might be happily married in 2yrs so don't sweat it.
I watched a comedy called Donor Party last night. Woman in simar position as you. It's a good laugh. Have you tried online dating? It helps you choose the type of man you want and meet a wider pool but you must have strong boundaries and be strict.

I am so sorry to hear how sad you are about this. I was in my 40s when hubby and I adopted. That was 20 years ago. Prior to that we had unsuccessful attempts to conceive or carry a pregnancy. I recall being in my late 30s, sitting on the bathroom floor in floods of tears about being childless.

Don't get me wrong, I love my boy to bits, but ..... most children in care today are there because they have been removed from abusive/neglectful circumstances, often caused by mental health issues of the parents - which can often be hereditary. My boy has anxiety, which I am sure relates back to his early life which was very neglectful, he also has other mental health issues, drug use and self harm which mirrors his BF's experiences - even though we didn't find this out until a couple of years ago. He also has autism which wasn't diagnosed until recently. I had to home school for about three years (pre-Covid) and had more trips to A&E because of self harm/alcohol/drugs than I care to remember.

Life with him is complicated and even though he is now a young adult, he is still very dependent upon us, emotionally and financially, and I cannot see an end to it to be honest. He is and will be a very big worry.

If we hadn't had children I could have worked full time and contributed more to our disposable income/savings. We travelled a lot before adoption and assumed we would be able to pick this up again once he got a bit older, but its only just now becoming a possibility. We used to socialise a lot pre-adoption, but because of his anxiety and other issues, babysitters etc., weren't viable options, and he struggled with strangers in the house or excessive noise.

That doesn't mean I don't love him, I do. And love him being part of my life, I couldn't imagine life without him and parenting him has changed me in many ways, all of which I think are good changes.

From my position, its been lovely having a child in my life - but it came at a high price.

I have friends who have opted not to have children and whilst they were a bit regretful when we were all a bit younger, they have the best of it now.

If life brings you children, they are a gift and a blessing. If it doesn't - then that might be a blessing in disguise!