No kids, feeling sad about the rest of my life

[FeelingSoSad38]

Hi, I’ve read so many posts since finding this site a year ago and finally decided to post as Il feeling so desperately sad and people on here always seem like such a supportive bunch.

I’m 38F, I met a Peter Pan guy in 2020 who I fell for even though he seemed emotionally unavailable as I hadn’t met someone I clicked with in a long time. We dated for a year before I got tired of him not giving me what a needed and I ended it. After just over a week he came back and said he wanted a relationship and as we were both older and he knew I wanted kids he said we should just see if it happened and that he couldn’t wait to start a family with me.

The months went by and the relationship was pretty good and he’d made quite a few changes and I was excited about our life together. I hadn’t got pregnant after a few months so started to take it a bit more seriously and went for a few tests which seemed ok. He was meant to go for tests but kept putting it off. Then one day he said he didn’t think he wanted kids. From all his previous behaviour I felt he was messing me around so I ended it.

I then decided to do egg freezing and found out I have low egg reserve but was still trying to go ahead with it. I then started to get bad peri symptoms and am now going for tests to confirm premature menopause so looks like I’ll never have biological children :(. I feel so sad about this and about the rest of my life now and to top it off yesterday I saw that my ex has a new gf while I’m still single.

I just feel my life has felt so unfair and I feel so hopeless. I would never kill myself but if there was an option to click my fingers and it would all be over I would.

Thanks if you’ve read this. Anyone been through anything similar or have any advice, although I don’t know what I’m hoping for

There are so many other important and exciting things in life, besides having kids... travel, work, hobbies, friends.... anything you want. You never know, you might realise that freedom can be joyful - lots of people do.

I have found it so. I wanted children but had fertility issues. As pp said give yourself time to grieve.

I’m really sorry, this is really difficult. Please consider donor eggs. I am currently going through infertility and have come across a number of women that are going down the donor egg route. It is amazing! The newlife Greece and reprofit Facebook groups are really informative. Take care x

I am 52 and childless not through choice. I am not single, I met DH when I was 34 and we are still together. It still isn’t the life I thought I would have and sometimes I feel worse because I deprived him of children too (we believe the issues were mine, I definitely had one blocked tube, but it was largely unexplained).

I was most anxious about being childless when I was late 30s and early 40s because of that sense of running out of time. But you know what, once I knew I had definitely run out of time, I felt better. I entered into an acceptance stage and I became at peace with it.

I focus on positive things in my life, I have a good marriage (and you have every chance of that still happening too), we have travelled, lived on three continents (easier without children). I sometimes thank my stars that I don’t have children to worry about too, my sibling has had some major worries and so has my closest friend. I guess there is a consolation that at least I will never have worries like that - but as I say, I mainly try to focus on positive things and don’t dwell.

@Createausername1970 I am in exactly the same position as you. I adopted my ds many years ago, aged 4. He, too, was from a very dysfunctional background, history of alcohol/drug misuse, violence and mental health issues. Again, we weren't told all the details at the time. I love him to bits but it has been such hard work and an enormous cost to us physically, emotionally and financially. He is very different to the other children in our wider family and has inherited a lot of his birth family's traits. I, also, have found myself in situations involving his drug abuse that I never thought would feature in my life. I do sometimes yearn for the childless life I had previously, I wish I'd seen I could still have had a full life even though I was childless. I thought adoption was the answer to all my problems, I never imagined the problems it would bring into my life, that I can't see ever ending.

This is a thread on its own! We need wine and chocolate!

Joking aside, if you want to vent/moan/chat with someone who understands and is not going to be in the slightest bit judgemental of you or your DC, as we have probably been in most of the same situations you have, then please feel free to me message me privately.

Keep Calm and Carry On - its only a normal day in the life of an adopter!

@Createausername1970 Thanks, that's so kind of you to offer to chat and the same goes for me and yes, lol, much wine and chocolate has been consumed over the years!

It's so hard OP, and I do wish that adoption isn't the go-to solution - it's an incredibly difficult path!!
No answer really, but I think you have to think hard about where to find the rich and meaningful life that you think you would have had with children (this is what I am telling myself)
I do believe this is possible, but takes some reconciliation and flexible thinking.

I've been in your shoes OP. I am sorry this has happened to you. It's rubbish. Agree with a PP that grieving for the life you thought you would have is very difficult

I know a couple of people who didn't have children of their own, met partners later in life and are now wonderful step parents / grandparents. So, you may not have bio children of your own, but it may yet be possible to develop close and loving family relationships

@Createausername1970 and @Eightiesgirl if you adopted at give or take 4yrs how come habits and actions the BPs took in their adult life are being replicated in the lives of their BC decades later? Did the children know about those habits? I ask for information as a couple of friends of mine and myself have discussed/ are considering adoption and I also spoke to a lady who adopted a baby only two years but also mentioned issues with the BM's drug use causing problems but we didn't for once think it might manifest in later life as a habit he might actually take up. A safe and loving environment might not be enough even when other children in the household do not develop any adverse habits or MH challenge?

I’m in a similar position to you, OP, I am 40 and found out I was in peri last year at 39. No partner.

I was devastated, I couldn’t stop crying for days on end, and I still feel sad from time to time.
I made a list of women I admire who have never had children, and still look at it when I feel down.
But, I’ll get there, and so will you, whatever you decide to do. I have good friends who love me, a supportive family (it helps that my parents appear to be entirely ambivalent about grandchildren 😁).
Sending you a hug, and feel free to reach out if you want to chat.

I feel exactly as you do. Still trying to clear my brain 🧠….. big shock to learn I was perimenopausal at 38 going 39, learnt by accident.

the five years have been very bad along with a job I don’t like.

I’m working on long term financial security as a priority. I have a few trusted friends… I don’t have loads of friends…. I considered adoption and then backed out at the thought of a single parent home ( finances & psychological support wise) … simply because I know that in my traditional way & culture, that I do value a 2 parent home.

It’s also useful to remember that not all 2 parent homes give a child good emotional & psychological security therefore some singje parent households also do much better than the 2 parents….

Working on building a fulfilling career and resolving this one way or another seem like 2 incompatible goals to me when you’re under time pressure - we’re not getting younger.

I’m not depressed or anything, I came out of that after 24 months of initial diagnosis…

I just really feel sorry for myself to be unfulfilled in two serious areas….the time pressure really impacts me on what to take care of first.

Sorry, I don’t have any useful antidote to contribute, I’m just grateful you put a thought out there that I could have written myself.

Wish you love & blessings..x

I made a list of women I admire who have never had children, and still look at it when I feel down.

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop - any chance you'd share your list?

@user1477255159 I was always on the side of nurture over nature but sadly, my experience with my ds has changed my mind. My ds was severely neglected by his alcoholic, drug abusing, violent birth parents. He has, as he admits himself, an addictive personality. He also has many "hang ups" about his early life experiences and birth family. This has resulted in depression which unfortunately led to drug abuse. He has and always has had a violent temper, whereas my dh and I are very placid people. From a young age he has acted both verbally and physically aggressive towards us and behaved destructively within the home, something which has only just recently stopped. When we first brought him to live with us we weren't told the full details of his background but he was eventually given a life story book that contained a lot more shocking information that we hadn't been told before we met him. By this time we'd fallen in love with him and were certain, perhaps naively, that a good, stable upbringing and loving home could help him overcome his traumatic start in life. Without giving away too much, in later years, we read distressing newspaper articles concerning his birth family who were easily identifiable from the information we had. Who knows whether a birth child of ours would have had the same issues, maybe they would, but he has inherited his physical characteristics from his birth family so why shouldn't he have inherited their character traits? We love him and do not, for one second, regret adopting him but sometimes we look back and think we could have made a happy and much less stressful life for ourselves if we'd remained childless.

I hear this but it’s still so hard. Thank you for sharing… It gives a glimmer of hope that it doesn’t have to very dark when I’m older and need children around me. I don’t want to be a lonely old woman.

Hmmmnnn. This is so real. Thanks for sharing such a deep and personal experience. It gives me more to think about AND also to consider things in the round.

Grateful for your honest share. We’re listening….

Well, some of them are women I know in real life but on the celebrity side you can’t really top Queen Dolly of Parton, Stevie Nicks or Queen Elizabeth the First (granted, that last one is ropey)

I feel like I’m listening to myself. Thank you for writing what I am feeling too today.
ay our hearts be healed however this difficult journey takes us.

Nature - versus - nurture.

We didn't know much about BF until I got DS SS files out of archive and re-read them all. I must have read this at the time, but if I had, it was forgotten. I was quite surprised to read about BFs struggles with self harm and drugs and also a description of his personality and presentation. It was like reading about DS. I really want to meet BF.

Nurture can help, but it can't overcome nature.

But in any case, a loving home won't mean kids grow up perfectly. I am sure there are many posters on here who will say they had kids, treated them both the same, one will be doing well, one will be struggling.

And conversely, there will be adopters who will tell you their child came from a hideous background, but is doing well.

Adopted children are just children - and no-one can foresee any child's future.

Don't be put off adoption, but go into it with your eyes open.

Thanks you so much for all the responses, I’ve just got back from going to a pottery class and dinner with friends this evening and have read them all and they’ve made me feel quite emotional but less alone.

I don’t currently have a bad life, I have some great friends, a well paid job and I get to do things I enjoy. I think I just feel sadness when looking into a childless future right now but I hope that will change.

I’m sorry to hear about the similar sad experiences you’ve had but it’s good to hear how you’ve managed to get through them.

It is a really shitty experience. I am really sorry.

A friend of mine went thought very similar, and did eventually adopt on her own, which has worked out well. It may not be for you of course.

I have children but my 4 oldest friends don’t. One by choice. One never met someone to have children with and adopted a child in her mid 40’s. One is now mid 40’s with frozen eggs and can’t decide if she should do ivf or adopt. One is doing IVF with donor eggs and speed in her late 40’s.

I really, really wanted children. So I have no idea how I would have felt at 40 or 45 without any. I do worry for my friend doing ivf so late in life as a single parent.

Donor eggs and sperm. Not speed!!

@BriceNobeslovesMurielHeslop thanks for taking the time to respond.