No kids, feeling sad about the rest of my life

[FeelingSoSad38]

Hi, I’ve read so many posts since finding this site a year ago and finally decided to post as Il feeling so desperately sad and people on here always seem like such a supportive bunch.

I’m 38F, I met a Peter Pan guy in 2020 who I fell for even though he seemed emotionally unavailable as I hadn’t met someone I clicked with in a long time. We dated for a year before I got tired of him not giving me what a needed and I ended it. After just over a week he came back and said he wanted a relationship and as we were both older and he knew I wanted kids he said we should just see if it happened and that he couldn’t wait to start a family with me.

The months went by and the relationship was pretty good and he’d made quite a few changes and I was excited about our life together. I hadn’t got pregnant after a few months so started to take it a bit more seriously and went for a few tests which seemed ok. He was meant to go for tests but kept putting it off. Then one day he said he didn’t think he wanted kids. From all his previous behaviour I felt he was messing me around so I ended it.

I then decided to do egg freezing and found out I have low egg reserve but was still trying to go ahead with it. I then started to get bad peri symptoms and am now going for tests to confirm premature menopause so looks like I’ll never have biological children :(. I feel so sad about this and about the rest of my life now and to top it off yesterday I saw that my ex has a new gf while I’m still single.

I just feel my life has felt so unfair and I feel so hopeless. I would never kill myself but if there was an option to click my fingers and it would all be over I would.

Thanks if you’ve read this. Anyone been through anything similar or have any advice, although I don’t know what I’m hoping for

I have been through similar, (although I did end up having one child). I got to the point where I really did not think it was going to happen. It was an all consuming grief for the life I thoughy i'd have.... and then I remember one night in the middle of the night I started to Google "accepting being childless" and found stories of women who had gone on to have fulfilling lives in many other ways. This was a turning point for me and I found myself starting to reimagine a positive future even without children.

I think there is a societal pressure/ expectation that everyone gets married/has the 2.4 children but if I look around not many of the people I know actually have this.

About your ex - he sounds completely flakey and non- committal.... would be really be best father material?

Wishing you the best of luck, it's very difficult but will get easier with time x

"I’m 38F, I met a Peter Pan guy in 2020"

I'm 37 and met the same in 2020. Except I didn't consider having children until a year after it. He then decided he didn't want more - he already had two.

I'm just going to see what happens. In no rush to date. I'll adopt or foster if I want to later. Or might date someone who already has children.

"I feel sad that he wasted what was my last chance to possibly have a biological child and it’s not something I can undo/go back in time and change"

I felt like this briefly about my last ex but it's illogical. You're 38 (I'm 37). If we wanted children we had 15+ years to do it. Can't really blame it on the last one.

Please explain 'read and run'. How would the op know if you had read the post and run off or not replied immediately?

@Babelfishfingers what I meant was that sometimes I read posts that are so sincere, and so full of pain (as this one was) that I am absolutely compelled to reply - particularly if it is expressing a similar experience that I have had, or an emotion that strikes a chord deep in me.

I do realise that the OP would not know if I had read her post and then skipped on to the next thread to read. But I would feel bad in myself not replying and offering some small words that might help that person feel less alone, and less in pain. So I guess it is my way of trying to let the OP know (in fewer words than this reply) that what she had written really touched me and that someone, totally unknown to her, had heard her, listened, and tried to offer some support.

I'm sorry if you have taken exception to my phrase, I did not mean to irritate or offend you.

I think that if you a) really really want biological children and b) can afford/ borrow the money for a round of IVF with donor sperm that you should do that right now, so you have tried everything. Plenty of women have babies while also having symptoms of perimenopause. Obviously your fertility is lower at that point but it isn't zero.

I think you also need confirmation by a fertility specialist that it absolutely IS perimenopause. I had a period of stress-induced amenorrhea in my late twenties where I had ALL of the symptoms of peri and very out of whack hormone tests, including a very low antral follicle count, but I wasn't actually in peri. 38 would be really quite young for this. I am 44 and am starting to see some of the symptoms now (hello night sweats) but only one or two days a month, not all the time.

@Biffatcrafts No offence taken at all!

Merely curious to know what the phrase meant! You are kind to reply in the way you did to the op

@Biffatcrafts I knew exactly what you meant by "read and run". It's how I felt too and led to me sharing details of my own personal experience of being childless and the path it eventually led me on (adoption). In fact, if we all just "read and run" there would be no mumsnet as the whole thing is based on reading posts but stopping to comment. I found your post to be very touching and heartwarming and you certainly didn't "irritate or offend" me with your turn of phrase.

@Babelfishfingers Thank you.

@Eightiesgirl I agree, it's so easy in these days of anonymous instant gratification to dip in and out of threads like these, here and on other forums on the internet. We get a little dose of shock, horror, amusement, pain and despair and then move on whilst barely acknowledging that there is a real person somewhere who has written those words and is reaching out for help and support. It does humanity no justice when we treat the suffering of others as a filip of amusement to fill spare time in our lives and then move on without thinking.

@Biffatcrafts Very well said!

Honestly, thanks again for all the responses. It really means a lot and I definitely feel a little better today than yesterday.

@Lemur97 I’m not saying I’m completely blaming my ex on what’s happened. Like most people that are still childless in their late 30’s I had always been dating to find someone to have a long term relationship with and hopefully children but it hadn’t worked out for me, so I feel it’s a little unfair to say if I wanted them I would have them by now. I don’t feel it’s just simply a choice of wanting them and clicking your fingers to have them.

I’m saying I’m said he wasted what was probably my last chance as he actively claimed it was what he wanted so he wouldn’t lose me and with the benefit of hindsight knowing I’m likely going through an early menopause I wish I had not met him and looked into egg freezing then.

I think it’s just a series of unfortunate events… if it had ended but my fertility was ok and I had the chance to have a child, which many still do at 38 it would not be an issue

@hopsalong my fertility doctor confirm with my low amh, low AFC, high fsh and minor symptoms about 8 months ago that I was in peri menopause but that there was still hope and I was going to do egg freezing.

My symptoms since then, have majorly stepped up a gear to the point where I felt I needed to give in and see the GP for more FSH tests to confirm it’s got to the menopausal stage. I’m now just waiting to have those tests done

Put all your energies into your goal.

Do ivf via donor or DIY.

Don't wait for a man.

I'm a single mother by choice, and although lucky enough to use all my own eggs, ultimately if I'd had no other realistic choice I'd have used donor eggs. You can try picking a donor with your hair colour, eye colour, personality traits etc (though you'll probably have to look abroad and have some dough available), and sperm too that matches you. Ultimately though, you'll get pregnant, have a child, love them to bits, and not want anything about them to change. Maybe when you've done that once or more, you will find the perfect man, but no need to do it in a "traditional order".
Of course there are other ways to have children in your life, fostering for example, adoption (hard for a baby and you are approaching the age limit), or doing work or voluntary work with them. Not quite the same though.
Once you get pregnant via donor sperm (if that seems the medically sensible thing to do), then you'll just be as excited as any other expectant mum!
All the best xx

I've never seen anyone else describe the click fingers feeling before. For me, it was press a button, but the same thing I guess.
I would urge you to go to GP (don't describe click finger thing as in my experience they will dismiss you) but do say you are depressed and get anti-ds.
They help in short term
Then find some counselling. You are going through a huge loss and you need space to grieve. To rage and rage with someone who will hear you - not utter platitudes and suggestions and medical advice and foist their wishes onto you. Just a place for you to let rip and repair.
I think when you've done those things you'll be in a place to move forward but give yourself the time (12-18 months) to get there.
The only thing I'd take on trust is that life will be worth living. Not in a way you can understand or fully see right now. I do have kids so might sound like I'm talking out of my arse. But I have been there in that "grey, wish it would end" place. It feels so real I know - but it's not. Hang on, look after yourself. You will heal but don't rush it.

@FeelingSoSad38 also just turned 38 and (chronically) single.

I suspect from the outside my life looks fairly sorted - highly educated, goood career, house, good friends, active social life, travel etc.

I cracked most things in life but somehow never cracked dating. I'm not a supermodel but plenty of average looking people manage it, but not me.

And I'm not sure enough about parenting on my own to have braved doing donor conception etc even if it was possible now. I know enough people with kids to know it's really hard work - and to do it on one income and with only one parent is huge challenge. My parents are too elderly to be involved in helping out etc so it would be 100pc me.

So it looks likely to be an accidental drift into not having kids. Not quite sure enough that I want them enough to go out and do it alone /go through the burden of IVF alone. I've spent time on the boards here to know how hard it is.

So that is just to say that I know where you are coming from and there are some of us out here who feel that way.

So what does the rest of life look like? I hope to enjoy the relative freedom it brings to travel, socialise, follow my interests. Hopefully free to build career further and ensure good financial position for old age.

It's the end of life bit that worries me most - not that children should be required to care for their parents but they might call them sometimes! Got premonitions of being eaten by my cats when no one notices me being dead for ages

@MojoMoon I work with elderly people and believe me having children is no guarantee of company. In fact I would say it doesn’t make much of a difference at all.

@MojoMoon "even if it was possible now"??? You are 38. Not trying to push you into single/motherhood at all, but had to laugh a bit at this. Vast majority of women can get pregnant at 38 and if you can't, you may well have struggled earlier too. I had mine at 38, 39 and now pregnant again at 41. In some ways being 10 years younger would have been better, but no c'est la vie.
If you don't want to do it, fine, but seriously you're not past it!

I think it is partly a generational thing. Our mothers and grandmothers were programmed to have children. We had a choice so did other things. Now there is a huge no of childless women who are thinking now what. Me included. I think we will see a rise of women communes

Would you try donor egg and sperm?

I had twins at 47. Another friend had her daughter at 50.

My great grandmother had a baby naturally at 43 or 44.

I'm not too worried at 37. If it happens it happens. I'm not dropping my standards with men.

I have a good job, nice house, good relationship with my parents and nice close friends.

I have a DC I know I could just have as happy life without DC if I'm being honest. . I love her very very much. I think you can definitely have a very fulfilling life without DC.

If your gonna adopt make sure social services haven't stolen them off loving families first. Ffs 🤮