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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my child bully

79 replies

Charmedli · 13/04/2023 10:30

A bully that tells me son he is dead, he is going to get battered, he can’t play with the group, no one likes him, he is going to get older kids to beat him up.

my son is new to a school. He is soft but very very sociable. Lots of friends etc. this group has turned on him and he has developed a nervous twitch in his face and neck. This only started when the bullying started.

I know where the boy lives. I want my son to go and confront him 1-1 with me.

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 13/04/2023 10:32

What are school doing about it?

Nimbostratus100 · 13/04/2023 10:32

absolutely not, you will simply escalate the situation and put yourself in the wrong, and may even get reported for harassment. Deal with it through the proper channels.

Mumof1andacat · 13/04/2023 10:33

What are the school doing about it?

WheelsUp · 13/04/2023 10:34

You could get into trouble with the police for confronting a child when they are alone. I understand why you want to do it but are you prepared for things to escalate with the boys parents coming round to yours to confront you too?

Original poster
Charmedli · 13/04/2023 10:34

Nothing. Absolutely nothing. He gets a call home and nothing happens. I’m a strong believer in confronting a bully as I know he’s a coward.

OP posts:
Makewayforsummer · 13/04/2023 10:35

Nope. You are going to make it worse. Speak to the school about it.

Original poster
Charmedli · 13/04/2023 10:35

Yes. Yes I am. I am beyond sick of the harassment and mental health effect on my child.

OP posts:
romdowa · 13/04/2023 10:38

You'd be better off helping your child to build their confidence and self esteem. I was bullied as a child and it didn't stop until I stood up for myself. Parents and teachers getting involved only made it worse. Once I stood up to the ring leader then it all stopped. People like that pick on who they perceive to be weak, it's like a sport to them.

Dotjones · 13/04/2023 10:43

You should go for it provided you are comfortable with the risks. It might make the bullying worse for a start, and there's a risk that the bully will tell their parents a very different version of events which may lead to the police getting involved. How would you feel if their parents confronted your child 1 on 1 on the strength of their lies? (What I mean is, those parents might see your behaviour as a green light to confront your child, regardless of the legitimacy of that.)

There are only two ways to deal with bullies though, escalate/confront them and be prepared to face the consequences, or move away and get out of their sphere of influence. Expecting the school to solve it, or the police, or the bully's parents, is a waste of time.

OhhhhhhhhBiscuits · 13/04/2023 10:44

Take your child to boxing/self defence/karate classes. Get their confidence up and then let them take it out on the bully when the bully attacks again. Only way these bullies learn.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 13/04/2023 10:45

This might be helpful in your situation. Think before acting, once you've done something you can't undo it, so you want to choose carefully. https://amzn.eu/d/cnp7JWx

Nimbostratus100 · 13/04/2023 10:47

you are better off using your energy to get a response from the school

AtTheDriveIn · 13/04/2023 10:50

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

Original poster
Charmedli · 13/04/2023 10:55

Thanks, I have signed him up for a boxing class although he is nervous to go I hope it’ll build his confidence. I can see how broken he is mentally, he is twitching constantly now and it’s really really upsetting me.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 13/04/2023 11:02

Op, is there an option to move him? The school really should be doing more to deal with this.

Original poster
Charmedli · 13/04/2023 11:04

He’s only just moved. We can’t do it again unfortunately

OP posts:
Tilliemolly · 13/04/2023 11:05

Do it, might not be what you expect but at least you feel you have done something to help your son.
My hubby confronted a bullying parent, was banned from the school gates, but hey ho, I was proud he tried.

AtTheDriveIn · 13/04/2023 11:08

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ as it's the work of a previously banned poster.

RoseslnTheHospital · 13/04/2023 11:14

Spend your energy confronting the school. Keep a record of each incident, get a meeting with the relevant person at school (primary? secondary?) eg a Head of Year, the Head or similar. Find the school policy on bullying (should be on the school's website), read it before the meeting and note where you think they aren't following their own policy. Raise those points at the meeting and ask them to tell you how they will be keeping your son safe whilst at school.

Separately, work on resilience and confidence with your son. Boxing classes are a good start. Does he do any other clubs/activities with children outside of the school?

Original poster
Charmedli · 13/04/2023 11:17

yes he’s part of a football team. Unfortunately the bully is part of the team and the rest of the team are turning against him and isolating him.

OP posts:
OoooohMatron · 13/04/2023 11:20

I think you need to give your son the confidence to confront the bully himself. If you go round with him it might make it worse as he's getting his mum to sort it out. Boxing is a great idea.

JazbayGrapes · 13/04/2023 11:42

Confront the parent, threaten school with bad publicity, and put your kid in boxing class

Original poster
Charmedli · 13/04/2023 11:56

Started to reading the book and loving the shout out to mumsnet 😂

OP posts:
Gloriousgardener11 · 13/04/2023 12:08

The school should really be dealing with this.

It could become a safeguarding issue if it's not dealt with.

Have you seen the schools bullying/ behaviour policy, are there 'school values' that you can quote back to them such as respect, kindness etc.

If the Headteacher won't engage then I'd be contacting the Chair of Governors.

OFSTED absolutely don't like bullying allegations.

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