To confront my child bully

[Charmedli]

A bully that tells me son he is dead, he is going to get battered, he can’t play with the group, no one likes him, he is going to get older kids to beat him up.

my son is new to a school. He is soft but very very sociable. Lots of friends etc. this group has turned on him and he has developed a nervous twitch in his face and neck. This only started when the bullying started.

I know where the boy lives. I want my son to go and confront him 1-1 with me.

I take its a school team? I would go to ofsted and the chair of governors. I would also go to the police. Even if its just for an informal chat. The school might take notice then maybe

You need to get in touch with the football team coach if its going on outside of school. Surely you see a parent if they are in the same football team

I know two parents who confronted bullies. In both cases they talked to the children, whom they knew slightly, were not physically threatening, but were authoritative and intimidating.

It worked, in both cases. They are both confident and slightly scary women (scary in a poised and distinguished way, not in a cursing and out of control way).

If the poor kid is developing a nervous twitch then I’d try the school/ coach again, then absolutely confront.

Tell your kid to jump on them and hit them as hard as they can / as much as they can. And not to stop until a teacher pulls them off. Fuck bullies.

Yes to this. My mum did this when my sister was being bullied at school.

Told the girl she had heard she was being unkind to my sister and she didn't ever want to hear of her doing the same again. She was firm but not unkind in the way she said it.

It made quite an impression on me clearly, as I remember it thirty years later!

The definition of harassment is a repeated series of unwanted behaviour. Going to their house ONCE is not harassment

Read the School's anti-bullying policy and write a strong email to the School office addressing it to the teacher, the Head-Teacher and whoever is mentioned in the Policy for handling bullying reports. Demand that it be dealt with in accordance with the School's anti-bullying policy. Do not let the School minimise this. When we had repeated bullying incidents, the teacher tried to minimise it but sending a strongly worded email to the School office made all the difference. The bullies were called in the office the same day and given a warning. We got a call from the office and we believe the parents of the bullies probably did as well. Good luck and hope this gets sorted soon for you.

Took him to the boxing class. He refused to go in. Eventually got him in and he started crying. Then literarily ran out the pace crying. Ran away and I couldn’t find him. Said he had no confidence and he was scared he was going to get laughed at. I was so upset I feel like such a failure.

You are NOT a failure. The school is. I was bullied at primary and in now in my 40's, seems the schools haven't improved. My heart breaks for you and your boy.

As much as every parent would like to confront a bully it is a risky tactic. One of my ds's friends parents had a few days of stress waiting to see if they were going to get charged by the police for assaulting a child after confronting his sons bully (he never touched him but "witnesses" and the bully said he did poke him in the chest while pointing at him).

Would your son perhaps try karate? Most classes would let you and him sit at the side and watch a class before he makes a decision to join. A good instructor who enjoys teaching children would also help out with advice on self defence and building his confidence if you told them about his issues with bullying.

Thanks, I have signed him up for a boxing class although he is nervous to go I hope it’ll build his confidence.

He absolutely should not feel that he has to go to boxing unless HE wants to. Why should he give up his spare time (and your money) doing something that he doesn't want to do, in preparation for dealing with a bully who is the school's responsibility to sort and not his?

Unfortunately, so many schools affirm that they have zero-tolerance of bullying, but, would you believe it, all of them luckily just so happen not to have any bullying in their school

Don't let the school fob you off; demand to know how they are going to ensure your DS's safety in school - which is one of their absolute basic responsibilities. If they don't do anything, tell them that you are going to take it higher and then, if that doesn't panic them into action, go to the board of governors, go to the LEA, go to the local paper to inform them of the unresolved ongoing bullying problem that the local school is having. You can even complain to OFSTED as a very last resort, if the school chooses to ignore their very clear safeguarding responsibilities.

There are some battles that are worth fighting and others that are not. This is most assuredly one of the former. If I were you, I wouldn't care how much the school hated me, if it meant that my DC could go to school safe from fear.

I confronted DSs bully. I told him he'd need to be looking over his shoulder for the rest of his fucking life. But make sure you don't get caught.

Bully ran straight to the head of year who came and asked me about it. I asked if bully had any witnesses who's put in a written witness statement (what DS was told by the same stupid HoY when he's previously reported the bully). Unfortunately there were no witnesses so according to the school it didn't happen . HoY face was a picture as he obviously knew I'd said it but could do nothing about it.

So I'd say yes do it, but don't let anyone catch you.

Teacher here. I know a Mum who did that and the bully’s mum punched her in the face.

This is terrible, terrible advice.

Appropriate action depends on your son and what he can handle. I do think confronting a bully is a good option if your son is up to it. If not, then avoiding the bully would be best. But I would encourage swift action. Leaving these things brewing makes them worse.

Would it actually help your son to go to the house and confront the bully? It could go wrong. Also if he’s crying and nervous at going to a new class is he really going to find his voice or is he going to stand to the side as you shout at the bully and or the bully’s parents. I’m not sure it would help.

Do you know the parents? Would they be approachable to have a calm discussion?

Im sorry you’re going through this.

Sorry if I have missed it how old is your Ds.

my advice get anti bullying policy ask school to follow it if they don’t get complaints policy follow that too .

I would also contact football coach see what he offers

I can't believe all the replies of "get the school to sort it". We KNOW schools do sweet FA about bullying and bullied kids have their lives ruined.

I would do it OP, I would be tempted to do a lot worse than 'have a word', but as a mother it's instinct to do anything you can to defend your child. I like the suggestion of doing it without getting caught.

Cowardice is always a good move.

The idea that bully's are cowards is nonsense. It's a stupid platitude said to victims to make them feel better.

Some bullies are only doing what they need to get by in the world they live in. Some bullies confronting them will work as your child is now not the soft target.

Confronting Some bullies will get you punched in the face as its the quickest to shut you up.

You've got to know the bully well in the first place to know which it is.

More effective is working with your child. Whilst boxing is a fantastic idea for a child that is into bullying it isnt if that is not who your child is.

You need to work on your child's inner sense of self. If they aren't a boxer insisting they try and be something they are not it's reinforcing the bully's assertion that your child as they are is not enough. You need to be helping them find their space in the world, whether that is boxing or something entirely different, raf cadets, horseriding, dungeons and dragons etc etc. Building confidence is the key

But that is deeply challenging when you are doing it alongside the bullying. you also need to be aware that basic things such school layout and day can make things either worse or better.

So Yes you need to look at changing schools

Don't make your son confront him. It will go badly wrong for him. He is absolutely not in a good place mentally, to do such a difficult thing. And if he looks anxious or tearful there, he gives the bully even more leeway to mock him.

What I'd want to do (though I imagine that the logistics would be tricky) is to approach the boy myself (alone) without his parent present, and firmly, calmly and icily (no shouting, no lack of control) tell him that if he ever bullies your child again, you're going to the police.

You have to look absolutely strong, absolutely in control and absolutely believable.
A kid like him will be used to people shouting at him. He'll be used to empty threats. Model yourself on Judi Dench as M. Only scarier.

Do it. I would 100%. Most kids will shit themselves and it will stop. The small minority of cases it will escalate but then you’ll know what you’re dealing with. But I wouldn’t take your son, I’d go alone & speak to the boy and his parents.

I witnessed a mother be so sickly sweet nice whilst telling a bully in the playground how unacceptable her behaviour was recently.
She took the bully by surprise I think and they immediately backed down. She may also have been talking through gritted teeth and a false smile so it wasn't obvious 😂
It absolutely depends on the child and what they're generally like as to what will work.
I don't think leaving it to the school will work, they rarely do anything about it.

How old is your child?