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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To confront my child bully

79 replies

Charmedli · 13/04/2023 10:30

A bully that tells me son he is dead, he is going to get battered, he can’t play with the group, no one likes him, he is going to get older kids to beat him up.

my son is new to a school. He is soft but very very sociable. Lots of friends etc. this group has turned on him and he has developed a nervous twitch in his face and neck. This only started when the bullying started.

I know where the boy lives. I want my son to go and confront him 1-1 with me.

OP posts:
Icedlatteplease · 13/04/2023 20:54

And how old is the bully

Anonymouseposter · 13/04/2023 20:56

How long has your child been in the new school. It’s got off to a really bad start. Is there no way at all of moving him again?

eyerollwiththepunches · 13/04/2023 20:57

God, there are some rough people on here. No wonder so many children become bullies - they learn it from their parents.

Go through the school, every time, and keep on going through the school. The school must have a published policy regarding bullying and how it is dealt with. Follow the protocol to the letter, as this is the best way to escalate it. In my experience the very word 'bullying' puts schools on high alert. No school wants to be seen to have a problem with bullying which they don't address.

eyerollwiththepunches · 13/04/2023 20:58

And no child should have to be enrolled for boxing lessons, unless they want to be. It's a ridiculous non-solution.

SixPurpleChairs · 13/04/2023 21:00

Take it to the governors if school are doing nothing.

Pinkflamingopants · 13/04/2023 21:00

@Florissante it's giving the little shit a spook with no one to turn to. And it's completely deserved.

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 21:00

It’s not up to your son, the victim, to stick up for himself. Tell him it’s not his fault and the bully is hiding behind the school and other boys.

This is 100% on the school. I would be all over them, every single day until I was certain that it had been dealt with for good. I’d escalate it to the Board of Governers, I’d email, I’d copy people in. I’d be up the school speaking to the football coach, the Deputy, the Head, all of them.

ohjeesus · 13/04/2023 21:03

My mum was a teacher! I came home one day crying because kids were throwing stones at me! She took me to the garden filled my pockets with stones and sent me back out. Best lesson she ever taught me!

ThomasinaLivesHere · 13/04/2023 21:09

I was always taught to go through the school and in general I am a follow the rules, obey authority type of person. However I feel that you don’t gain confidence and self worth that way as schools really can’t handle it well (in my experience) and you feel helpless. It is so difficult to deal with. I feel for anyone who is dealing with bullying.

Icedlatteplease · 13/04/2023 21:09

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 21:00

It’s not up to your son, the victim, to stick up for himself. Tell him it’s not his fault and the bully is hiding behind the school and other boys.

This is 100% on the school. I would be all over them, every single day until I was certain that it had been dealt with for good. I’d escalate it to the Board of Governers, I’d email, I’d copy people in. I’d be up the school speaking to the football coach, the Deputy, the Head, all of them.

Whilst I agree with this in principle in practice a bully will always bully, they will pick the most vulnerable target.

How you make your child the least vulnerable target, depends on a lot of factors hence punch back harder etc.

But unless you also work with the victim, chances are they will simply find a new bully.

Unless you can sort out the reason for the vulnerability.

It becomes a lot harder if the victim has sen

saraclara · 13/04/2023 21:10

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 21:00

It’s not up to your son, the victim, to stick up for himself. Tell him it’s not his fault and the bully is hiding behind the school and other boys.

This is 100% on the school. I would be all over them, every single day until I was certain that it had been dealt with for good. I’d escalate it to the Board of Governers, I’d email, I’d copy people in. I’d be up the school speaking to the football coach, the Deputy, the Head, all of them.

Even the most proactive of schools re bullying, can only be limited in their effectiveness. They can't be glued next to the child or to the bully. There will always be situations where a bully can continue their taunting. And it seems as though these boys don't just operate in school.

I'm a teacher and I absolutely agree that the school must act. But it's not everything. And to be honest (and I feel I can say this now in retired!) I think the parent calmly and chillingly telling the ringleader just what they'll do if this continues, is much more effective.

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 22:42

saraclara · 13/04/2023 21:10

Even the most proactive of schools re bullying, can only be limited in their effectiveness. They can't be glued next to the child or to the bully. There will always be situations where a bully can continue their taunting. And it seems as though these boys don't just operate in school.

I'm a teacher and I absolutely agree that the school must act. But it's not everything. And to be honest (and I feel I can say this now in retired!) I think the parent calmly and chillingly telling the ringleader just what they'll do if this continues, is much more effective.

Show quote history

If a girl was getting sexually harassed at school, would you tell her to stop wearing short skirts and tell the harasser/s to stop?

Or would you cause merry hell with the teaching staff and head to stamp this out?

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 22:44

Unless you can sort out the reason for the vulnerability.
Victim blaming!

AtSomePointInLife · 13/04/2023 22:50

Charmedli · 13/04/2023 19:30

Took him to the boxing class. He refused to go in. Eventually got him in and he started crying. Then literarily ran out the pace crying. Ran away and I couldn’t find him. Said he had no confidence and he was scared he was going to get laughed at. I was so upset I feel like such a failure.

Your not a failure, your a good mum for worrying and trying to help him.

Have you spoke to the football coach? They should not be letting this happen and isolating your son, the bullies should be disciplined, it should not be allowed.

saraclara · 13/04/2023 23:02

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 22:42

If a girl was getting sexually harassed at school, would you tell her to stop wearing short skirts and tell the harasser/s to stop?

Or would you cause merry hell with the teaching staff and head to stamp this out?

Show quote history

Sorry, but what does your comment have to do with what I said?

I have in no way blamed the victim, and I've said that the school needs to do everything it can.

But yes, if I was in a position to verbally rip to shreds the the kid who was harrassing my DD (as well as badger the school to do their thing) I would. Because schools can't physically stamp things out completely. They're not present every second and few have CCTV covering every inch of the building and grounds. So I'd do my out of school bit, too.

SpringCherryTrees · 13/04/2023 23:36

@saraclara because the school are completely responsible for stamping out the bullying, and of course they can be on hand during school lessons, breaks. There should be immediate and escalating consequences for the bullying and also whole school approaches for ensuring there is zero tolerance for bullying.

It originated in school and can end in school. The child does not see the bully outside of school and it isn’t up to the parent to take the really risky position of turning up at the bullies house - which could massively escalate the position and undermine credibility.

Original poster
Charmedli · 14/04/2023 07:34

I handled it all wrong. That’s why I feel like a failure. He ran out the boxing class and I almost had the boxing class as the solution so when he ran out I was really upset thinking why not give it a chance.

i was thinking of the phrase “feel the fear and do it anyway”. He lacks in confidence. He has no self esteem so in my state at that time I thought if I can get him to do this it’ll help him.

we ended up arguing. He ran away. I couldn’t find him. I then found him after 20 mins. We argued again. I said you need to do this! Otherwise it’ll never stop!!!! He ran away again.

when I found him I cried all the way home. Genuine sobs.

I kept thinking if he went to the boxing it would solve all the problems.

but the poster above is right. Why should he be forced to do boxing when he doesn’t want to. So I apologiesed. I told him I was wrong and there is no pressure to go.

I then went to the house of the boy. His mum opened the door and I asked if she was aware of the group chat where her son was threatening to beat my son up.

she was shocked and started crying.

the child came out. White as a ghost. Hands on his head. He said I’m sorry I’ve been so silly. I said why!!! Why are you doing this!!!!

he said I’m jealous of him. He came to the school and was taking my friends.

I said don’t ever threaten my son again!!

his mum invited me in and was still upset. She apologised for his behaviour. Promised consequences.

I can only live in hope.

when I got home my son gave me a cuddle and said thanks for doing that.

I don’t want to fight his battles and that’s why I stupidly thought boxing was the answer. But I had enough and I went and it was seemingly well received. I hope.

OP posts:
SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 14/04/2023 08:03

Oh my god. I'm teared up reading that.
So glad the bully and his mum seemed to see the light that was needed.
Your poor poor son, I hope you can help him rebuild himself, find his happy thing and find his social confidence again.
Good luck, I hope the problem is over and the recovery path can be an upward trajectory.
So awful he (and you) has gone through that. 💐

Greenfinch7 · 14/04/2023 08:43

This is just wonderful. I hope people who say never to talk directly to the bully will read and take notice that life is complicated and people are surprising.

You were very brave and honest, OP. I am so glad, and really hope this leads to better things.

Florissante · 14/04/2023 08:47

You handled that very well, OP. I hope the situation now improves.

saraclara · 14/04/2023 08:52

Seriously, well done, OP. I'm so glad that the boy's mum reacted as she did, and the boy himself took responsibility.

You were pretty brave, and your son now knows that you will always have his back.

I really hope that school is a better place for him now.

Original poster
Charmedli · 14/04/2023 09:56

I feel so drained. After all the emotions last night I got a migraine and took a sleeping tablet as I couldn’t get any relief. I started work today but still feel out of it. I’m on anti depressants which really help me cope emotionally as previously this kind of situation would have sent me into a serious depression so it’s something I need to be mindful of.

OP posts:
Dilemma19 · 14/04/2023 10:00

saraclara · 13/04/2023 20:47

Don't make your son confront him. It will go badly wrong for him. He is absolutely not in a good place mentally, to do such a difficult thing. And if he looks anxious or tearful there, he gives the bully even more leeway to mock him.

What I'd want to do (though I imagine that the logistics would be tricky) is to approach the boy myself (alone) without his parent present, and firmly, calmly and icily (no shouting, no lack of control) tell him that if he ever bullies your child again, you're going to the police.

You have to look absolutely strong, absolutely in control and absolutely believable.
A kid like him will be used to people shouting at him. He'll be used to empty threats. Model yourself on Judi Dench as M. Only scarier.

I would do this and take a few tough looking guys with me. No way in hell I'm going to sit back waiting for the school to do anything. And trying to build your child inner confidence tosh whilst they are being subjected to this level of bullying- oh please. Do what you have to do op, your poor ds!

Invadersmustdie · 14/04/2023 10:01

Well done OP. If this boy carries on bullying your son, keep going to his house. Every time. Also, if it continues involve the police. Especially if there is a group chat, anything written down. Make their lives miserable if he doesn't stop.

Florissante · 14/04/2023 10:06

Dilemma19 · 14/04/2023 10:00

I would do this and take a few tough looking guys with me. No way in hell I'm going to sit back waiting for the school to do anything. And trying to build your child inner confidence tosh whilst they are being subjected to this level of bullying- oh please. Do what you have to do op, your poor ds!

Show quote history

Another post promoting cowardice.

And if you'd read the thread, you'd see the OP has resolved the issue peacefully. Like an adult. Not a thug.