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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think it's odd that DP ignores sex

74 replies

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 09:25

I have a great relationship with a fun, kind, caring man. We've lived together for 3 years. However, there's no sex. We haven't had sex or any kind of intimacy for over a year.

He finds talking about sex really uncomfortable and just changes the subject if I bring it up. If i try to get physically close to him he actually moves away. When we first started seeing each other we did have sex but he never initiated. I understand he's a bit inexperienced/not very confident.

I don't have a super high sex drive or anything but I think it's important. It's unreasonable for him to be ignoring me on this issue isn't it? I'm quite open about sex, and so have my previous partners, so I dont know if I don't really get it. How can I encourage him to open up?

OP posts:

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 09:27

End this relationship and move on. It simply isn't going to work. He can't communicate and you are being forced to live a sexless life. Your resentment is going to grow to unmanageable levels, and this is not the way you want to live. Sometimes you just have to accept that you're not suited to someone.

Original poster

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 09:27

There's also an element of him thinking sex is silly and embarrassing. Which yes I agree and understand, but it is what it is!

OP posts:

Peridot1 · 13/04/2023 09:28

He’s not into sex. He’s being unfair to you. But he is unlikely to change.

Xrays · 13/04/2023 09:29

He’s either asexual, gay, porn addicted or just not that into you sadly. After a year of this I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

JMSA · 13/04/2023 09:31

He's not being fair on you at all. I would suggest that he either gets therapy for his issues or end the relationship.

Shoxfordian · 13/04/2023 09:33

He either needs to talk to you about it and let you know what the issue is or you should break up

YouAreNotBatman · 13/04/2023 09:33

Send him my way!
I’ve been looking for a man like him, he sounds amazing!

StrawberryWater · 13/04/2023 09:34

Get rid.

If he’s not even willing to talk about the issue then there’s no hope that anything will ever be resolved.

Kindledino · 13/04/2023 09:36

I don't think sex IS "silly and embarrassing" actually. It can be, at times, but most of the time it's fun, natural and intimate.
The fact he describes it that way suggests he's just not into it, either through bad experiences before or other reasons.
So when he thinks about sex he can only think about the potential for awkwardness rather than being turned on enough to ignore that.
I'd definitely not be OK with him changing the subject if you try to bring it up, if your relationship is going to survive he needs to be more open with you, even if that's to tell you he doesn't feel comfortable, so you can work on things together. Burying his head in the sand forever won't achieve anything!

Fansandblankets · 13/04/2023 09:40

If it’s making you unhappy then yes you need to get him to talk about it.

Easterfunbun · 13/04/2023 09:43

Sex isn’t silly or embarassing? Good lord, it’s 2023.

Original poster

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 09:44

@Xrays I wonder if he may be asexual. I don't think he's gay, and he doesn't care about porn at all (genuinely, and we've discussed it). I've seen what he looks at on his phone/TV/laptop and it's all just geeky film stuff and sport.

OP posts:

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 09:45

Not everyone is interested in sex or having a sexual relationship.

But if you're not on the same page as him then it won't work, so it's probably best to end it now.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/04/2023 09:47

Refusing to discuss it and physically moving away from you are both awful. It’s not just a sex issue, though that’s bad enough, it’s a lack of proper communication and that’s fatal. He’s not treating you as an equal partner in your relationship so I think you’ve got to leave him.

Fwiw I disagree sex is silly or embarrassing. And I’d question why if he thinks that he was willing to do it until a year ago. Odd.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 09:49

Fansandblankets · 13/04/2023 09:40

If it’s making you unhappy then yes you need to get him to talk about it.

How, exactly, does someone "make" someone else talk about something. The op has tried. He refuses. He actually physically moves away from her. It's over.

JMSA · 13/04/2023 09:53

Funny how he was able to do it at first, until reeling you in!

Gustavo1 · 13/04/2023 09:54

This difference in sex drives and attitudes will surely be a very slow death for the relationship. Your desire for intimacy will not go away and his will not grow. If you stay, there is a chance you will grow to feel hurt and resentful. It’s also not great for your self esteem. What if you want children? Need to schedule sex for ovulation? If you can’t even discuss it, it won’t be easy.
Short term, ending the relationship will be hard but in the long run, it’s the easier option here.

Original poster

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 09:55

@Kindledino Yeah I think he's very self conscious about his body to be honest, for absolutely no reason whatsoever! He's intensely embarrassed about being naked and covers up at all times when getting changed etc. I on the other hand couldn't care less about being naked.

OP posts:

Dozycuntlaters · 13/04/2023 09:56

Maybe he just doesn't fancy you anymore? Sorry, I know that's harsh. My last fella, was with him 5 years, and only had sex once in the last 18 months we were together. Although I loved him, I didn't fancy him and had no desire to have sex with him. I would stiffen up if he cuddled me in case it led to him wanting sex and it was horrid, for me and for him.

Honestly, just let him go. Find someone who desires you and loves you, otherwise your self esteem will end up on the floor.

ArcticSkewer · 13/04/2023 09:57

If he isn't bothered then he won't mind if you outsource, will he? So that could be one option if you really think he is perfect for you apart from this.

If you are near menopause you may find your libido drops too, but ...otherwise, just leave. It will just eventually destroy your self esteem.

It's a shame people are not more honest. Lits of women appear not to want or like sex. He could have matched with one of them instead of pretending.

DannyZukosSmile · 13/04/2023 09:57

3 YEARS? I couldn't have gone 3 months when I was a lot younger! Bin him off. He will never want to have sex if he hasn't by now.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 09:57

And I’d question why if he thinks that he was willing to do it until a year ago. Odd.

I think it's actually quite common for asexual people to have sex at the start of relationships.

They know it's the "norm" and what's expected but as time goes on they find it harder and harder (ha) to maintain interest.

MyopicBunny · 13/04/2023 09:57

I'd say he's either asexual or gay.

But really, the reason doesn't matter. Dump him and find someone that you can have a proper relationship with.

AnImmenseDislikeOfPeople · 13/04/2023 09:58

I would be quite happy never having sex, whereas DH needs it a lot more than me. However, we have proper discussions about how each of us feels about the situation, how we can feel wanted, needed and loved, with or without sex. I think I am probably asexual and although DH does his best to understand, he still struggles with it. I know sex is important to him, so I try to make an effort, which sounds really shit but the fact is sex just isn't something I think about or need.

If you and DP cannot talk openly about sex because it is 'silly' then I don't think there's a way forward for you. You need to be able to communicate effectively with each other, or you will just resent him.

Soozikinzii · 13/04/2023 10:01

I also think he is asexual or gay . Either way you are being used as a cover for this . It's not going to get any better is it ?

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