Page 3 | To think it's odd that DP ignores sex

Hooploop · 2023-04-13T08:25:14+00:00

I have a great relationship with a fun, kind, caring man. We've lived together for 3 years. However, there's no sex. We haven't had sex or any kind of intimacy for over a year. He finds talking about sex really uncomfortable and just changes the subject if I bring it up. If i try to get physically close to him he actually moves away. When we first started seeing each other we did have sex but he never initiated. I understand he's a bit inexperienced/not very confident. I don't have a super high sex drive or anything but I think it's important. It's unreasonable for him to be ignoring me on this issue isn't it? I'm quite open about sex, and so have my previous partners, so I dont know if I don't really get it. How can I encourage him to open up?

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 13/04/2023 11:26

him thinking sex is silly and embarrassing

He has got some real issues, especially if he won’t talk about it without being deeply embarrassed and refusing.

I wouldn’t settle for a sexless relationship, no matter how chilled and nice my partner might be. Feeling like your SO on no way desires you would be soul destroying.

StarlightLady · 13/04/2023 11:31

It's all about passion and there is no passion there. Sadly, I don't think this will get any better. He has massive problems and you, like most of us, have needs. If he won't discuss it and is frightened of intimacy, it would probably be better for you to move on. And I am not one to say "leave, leave, leave" in response to every post. but personally, I could not live like that. Aside from missing the physical benefits for me as a woman, I would feel unwanted and unloved.

Original poster

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 11:32

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes I agree he has issues. I'm not sure about attaching your sense of self worth to whether your partner wants sex with you though?

OP posts:

MurderAtTheBeautyPageant · 13/04/2023 11:35

He may be a great guy in all other respects but this situation is unlikely to change, so don’t stay with him hoping that a fulfilling sex life will suddenly blossom. It's up to you to decide if the trade off is worth it.

rainbowstardrops · 13/04/2023 11:49

Well only you can decide if you're happy to potentially spend the next 40 odd years with no sex and no discussion about it either.

Would you have chosen to try to start a family if you had a partner who didn't have issues around sex, or are you being swayed by his behaviour?

Your mid-30s. I wouldn't stick it out personally.

Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes · 13/04/2023 11:58

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 11:32

@Ithurtsthebackofmyeyes I agree he has issues. I'm not sure about attaching your sense of self worth to whether your partner wants sex with you though?

I didn’t suggest your entire self-worth should be built on whether your partner wants sex with you. You have leapt to that for some reason. Perhaps defence.

I said I couldn’t live without sex in a relationship and I would find it fairly soul-destroying to not be desired by my chosen life partner. To the point I wouldn’t live with that. Sex is, to me and many others, an important part of a relationship.

My sense of self-worth is built on many things, my education, achievements, philanthropy, the way I treat people, travel, emotional and physical well-being… how fulfilling I find my relationship is only one small part of that.

Mooshamoo · 13/04/2023 12:10

Maybe he was sexually abused as a child. A lot of people have been.

I'm completely asexual now. Because I was sexually abused as a child. I'm too scared of sex to ever enjoy it again. I wasnt born asexual. But having huge sexual trauma happen to me has made me asexual.

A lot of people have been abused. Men and women

KimberleyClark · 13/04/2023 12:25

Or he could have been a victim of emotional incest. This is where a parent depends on a child to fulfil emotional needs that would otherwise be met by an adult romantic partner. It doesn’t involve sexual abuse but can result in sexual dysfunction as an adult.

Hearmeout · 13/04/2023 12:35

I used to feel embarrassed about sex (though I was fully sexually active) right until meeting my now dh at the age of 43. It's about how someone feels inside, no matter what the cause. My ex also had a very low sex drive and when I tried to initiate conversation about it, he would not engage. So we split. Physical intimacy is pretty essential unless you're both asexual otherwise you're really just friends and should not be together.

StormTreader · 13/04/2023 12:54

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 10:01

The thing is he's so right for me in other ways. I've never known a guy who is so chilled and decent either. I can be myself with him. We are on the same page about everything else, have lots to talk about all the time, and really good at communicating about everything else. It's just sex.

Unfortunately the "chilled and decent" may be in part because you're not getting the constant sexual attraction behaviour - its the reason "the gay friend" is a thing, and also why women can be attracted to emotionally unavailable men.
It makes the atmosphere a lot more comfortable and chilled but the trade-off is that its because the sexual tension energy just isnt there.

QueefQueen80s · 13/04/2023 13:00

@StormTreader Yes to all this. The relationships where I have felt secure, relaxed, chilled have been the ones without the attraction for me.

LadyJ2023 · 13/04/2023 13:15

My now hubby he wouldn't even go to bed without being fully clothed at the beginning. Everything else was super but sex was weird to me who had no problems with lights on, walking about naked after a bath or whatever. But he did and eventually it all came out how he had an abusive dad who bear him always told him he was puny,ugly etc etc and this resulted in hubby always hiding his body. Anyway now he is totally different once it all came out how he felt about himself he changed and now let's say 3 kids on all is still good good now which makes the perfect package as we never stop chatting, laughing etc

readbooksdrinktea · 13/04/2023 13:17

Xrays · 13/04/2023 09:29

He’s either asexual, gay, porn addicted or just not that into you sadly. After a year of this I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

Yeah, this. None of it is great for you. Time to make some decisions.

YerArseInParsley · 10/11/2023 07:16

@Hooploop

The first response from many is to leave this man. If it was the other way around it would be a different response.

I know you've tried to talk to him and he shuts it down. I would try again and say if he isn't willing to communicate and tell you how he feels then there is a real problem in the relationship and it can't go on like that. It may just give him the push to talk if he thinks the relationship is in jeopardy.

I would go as far as to ask if he's had previous issues with sex? does he like sex? Has something happened in his past? It's not normal that he hides his body. I think there is a deeper issue and it's worth pushing him on the subject again if he's a good man and you like being with him.

People have mentioned asexual, gay etc. Maybe it's gotten to the point when you ask him outright and if he tries to shut the conversation down tell him it's affecting the relationship so if he wants to save it then yous need the chat.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 07:25

JMSA · 13/04/2023 09:53

Funny how he was able to do it at first, until reeling you in!

Exactly. Its deception isnt it.

theleafandnotthetree · 10/11/2023 07:28

YerArseInParsley · 10/11/2023 07:16

@Hooploop

The first response from many is to leave this man. If it was the other way around it would be a different response.

I know you've tried to talk to him and he shuts it down. I would try again and say if he isn't willing to communicate and tell you how he feels then there is a real problem in the relationship and it can't go on like that. It may just give him the push to talk if he thinks the relationship is in jeopardy.

I would go as far as to ask if he's had previous issues with sex? does he like sex? Has something happened in his past? It's not normal that he hides his body. I think there is a deeper issue and it's worth pushing him on the subject again if he's a good man and you like being with him.

People have mentioned asexual, gay etc. Maybe it's gotten to the point when you ask him outright and if he tries to shut the conversation down tell him it's affecting the relationship so if he wants to save it then yous need the chat.

Nope, I would say exactly the same to a man experiencing the same thing - I've had a number of male friends in this situation. For myself, who really struggles with the 'downsides' of being in a relationship - the compromises, having to consider someone else etc - if the thing that you can only get in the relationship and not from friends (i.e attraction, desires fulfilled, sex, etc) wasn't there I'd be gone.

Wildhorses2244 · 10/11/2023 07:37

If he finds this really hard to talk about, I’m wondering whether he would be more open to texting about it? It gives you time to think properly about responses and it’s perhaps easier to push past feeling embarrassed.

Could you text him something like “I’d really like us to talk properly about our sex life. Would you feel most comfortable doing that in person, with a therapist or by text? I know that you feel uncomfortable about having this conversation but it’s important to me “

Universalsnail · 10/11/2023 08:07

I would sit him down and just say that this is important to talk about and insist he talks about it because he can't force you to have a sexless life.

Is he asexual? He sounds like he could be asexual?

That's fine and it's fine if he doesn't want to ever have sex and you want to stay together but in which case it's reasonable that you can also form sexual relationships with others. Either that or be addresses this problem

Ididivfama · 10/11/2023 08:10

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 10:01

The thing is he's so right for me in other ways. I've never known a guy who is so chilled and decent either. I can be myself with him. We are on the same page about everything else, have lots to talk about all the time, and really good at communicating about everything else. It's just sex.

Well he’s your best friend isn’t he.

DonnaBanana · 10/11/2023 08:35

MyopicBunny · 13/04/2023 09:57

I'd say he's either asexual or gay.

But really, the reason doesn't matter. Dump him and find someone that you can have a proper relationship with.

Because a relationship isn’t “proper” without doing the horizontal tango.

itsmyp4rty · 10/11/2023 08:45

QueefQueen80s · 13/04/2023 13:00

@StormTreader Yes to all this. The relationships where I have felt secure, relaxed, chilled have been the ones without the attraction for me.

That's awful IMO, that people feel they have to choose between feeling secure and relaxed or having a sexual attraction. In that situation I'd choose secure and relaxed every time. Feeling insecure and on edge is a miserable life, much worse than no sex for me.

Loubelle70 · 10/11/2023 09:25

itsmyp4rty · 10/11/2023 08:45

That's awful IMO, that people feel they have to choose between feeling secure and relaxed or having a sexual attraction. In that situation I'd choose secure and relaxed every time. Feeling insecure and on edge is a miserable life, much worse than no sex for me.

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That's just friendship then surely

underneaththeash · 10/11/2023 09:28

If it's otherwise a great relationship, might be worth trying sex therapy. At least you can then explore the issues and decide if this relationship is worth keeping.

Bostonbakedbeans · 10/11/2023 09:56

If you want him to be you partner and not just your best friend then get counselling for you both to explore why he feels like that and whether hes willing to work on improving the relationship. If he doesn't agree with attending then you have to decide whether you stay together in a sexless relationship or not.