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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's odd that DP ignores sex

74 replies

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 09:25

I have a great relationship with a fun, kind, caring man. We've lived together for 3 years. However, there's no sex. We haven't had sex or any kind of intimacy for over a year.

He finds talking about sex really uncomfortable and just changes the subject if I bring it up. If i try to get physically close to him he actually moves away. When we first started seeing each other we did have sex but he never initiated. I understand he's a bit inexperienced/not very confident.

I don't have a super high sex drive or anything but I think it's important. It's unreasonable for him to be ignoring me on this issue isn't it? I'm quite open about sex, and so have my previous partners, so I dont know if I don't really get it. How can I encourage him to open up?

OP posts:
Original poster
Hooploop · 13/04/2023 10:01

The thing is he's so right for me in other ways. I've never known a guy who is so chilled and decent either. I can be myself with him. We are on the same page about everything else, have lots to talk about all the time, and really good at communicating about everything else. It's just sex.

OP posts:
Softoprider · 13/04/2023 10:04

OP How old are you both? Don't you want children at some point ? It all sounds weird to me. Sex is what people do when they love each other surely ?

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 13/04/2023 10:13

Are you happy to live with him as a housemate and get sex elsewhere? If you want the whole package, it seems you are going to need to start afresh with someone else.

Daisybee6 · 13/04/2023 10:16

You're not compatible unfortunately

YouAreNotBatman · 13/04/2023 10:18

Sex is what people do when they love each other surely ?

No.
What weird way of thinking.

Lweji · 13/04/2023 10:20

He seems like a good friend. Or even platonic partner.
If you want children, or an active sexual relationship, then you have to move on.
Maybe in this case you can remain friends, if that is all he wants.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/04/2023 10:20

Hooploop · 13/04/2023 10:01

The thing is he's so right for me in other ways. I've never known a guy who is so chilled and decent either. I can be myself with him. We are on the same page about everything else, have lots to talk about all the time, and really good at communicating about everything else. It's just sex.

But it's not "just" sex. It's a level of physical and emotional intimacy that we can only have with our partners and you're not getting it.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 10:22

Softoprider · 13/04/2023 10:04

OP How old are you both? Don't you want children at some point ? It all sounds weird to me. Sex is what people do when they love each other surely ?

No.

That's such a narrow minded way of thinking. Not everyone cares about sex.

FilthyforFirth · 13/04/2023 10:22

I would end it. I didnt and now I am stuck in a fairly sexless marriage at 38. I wish I had left him early on but I always assumed it would get better with time. My self esteem is rock bottom and I daydream about an affair fairly often.

I wont because I love him and couldnt cheat, but if I had my time again we would have split after the first year or so.

KimberleyClark · 13/04/2023 10:25

Does he want to cuddle or hold hands or is he completely non tactile?

StormiDayz · 13/04/2023 10:27

I couldn't be in an sexless relationship, it's not just about pleasure but also about intimacy and creating a bond and considering the other person's physical needs. No matter how hard life can be, knowing we can be together at the end of the day strenghtens us and keeps the spark. There's other ways to be intimate if sex is off the cards but if its because he's disinterested, then that's a problem for you as you want sex. I would seriously consider ending it and looking for something else more fulfilling because it will eat away at you.

DonnaBanana · 13/04/2023 10:29

Statistically I imagine the odds are that he has erectile dysfunction and so has put his head in the sand around sex. Surprise him with some of the little blue things.

Greenwichresident · 13/04/2023 10:30

Just wanted to share another perspective- and of course it might not be this.

I was in a really similar position. My DH wasn't at all interested in sex and avoided the conversation at all costs. At times, when feeling like he'd need to offer some form of explanation he would say "I just don't know know".

Late last year it came to a head- I couldn't live like this and it was destroying my self esteem. I was going to walk away, and he finally agreed to therapy. With therapy, it all came out that he actually did have a sex drive, he just had really low confidence and hated his body.

Therapy was invaluable- he's worked with a therapist for a few months and it's had such a positive impact on how he sees himself, how he can communicate about sex, and wanting to actually have affection / intimacy.

So sorry you're going through this, I know how lonely it can feel. Just wanted to offer another perspective!

Basically if he's not willing to talk about it and be open - whether that's to you or a therapist, then there isn't anywhere that you can go with this. And maybe you taking a step away from the relationship will be the push that he needs to confront this (assuming he's willing to)

Flowers
Tempone · 13/04/2023 10:33

Is he tactile in other ways, do you cuddle? Hold hands? Stroke each other. Etc. If not, then you just be flatmates.

Tempone · 13/04/2023 10:34

Oh and do you kiss? Like properly kiss?

woofwoofbark · 13/04/2023 10:34

I posted something very similar years ago on here and everyone universally told me to end it.

I didn’t and I wish I had.

Like you I told myself it’s just sex but it’s not, it’s the death of your relationship and your confidence by a thousand cuts. If discussing sex is awkward, soon even cuddling or holding hands will feel awkward. After years of trying to make him want me, I don’t even want any physical contact with him anymore. It’s been very easy to fall out of love because there is literally nothing to love. It’s a friendship at best.

Long term this will destroy your self esteem. It’s not you, it’s him. This situation suits him but it’s you who will carry the burden of it. Don’t inflict that on yourself. If you get on that well, be friends.

oachkatzl · 13/04/2023 10:34

I think you need to bring it up again and be firmer about it. You need sex and intimacy in a relationship. If he is not able or doesn't want to provide this then I would suggest therapy first to see if there is a solution.
If he's not willing to talk about it or go to therapy then I would suggest moving on because your sexual needs aren't being met. If you're not sexually compatible then unfortunately it will never work.

Irritateandunreasonable · 13/04/2023 10:36

Xrays · 13/04/2023 09:29

He’s either asexual, gay, porn addicted or just not that into you sadly. After a year of this I don’t think it’s going to get any better.

So many assumptions 😳 He needs a therapist I think, if he won’t engage perhaps you could speak to one about how to deal with this.

He could have been abused as well. I hope you find answers ❤️

Greensleevevssnotnose · 13/04/2023 10:38

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 09:45

Not everyone is interested in sex or having a sexual relationship.

But if you're not on the same page as him then it won't work, so it's probably best to end it now.

This. My partner and I are over three years now with no sex. We still kiss cuddle hold hands and demonstrate our love every day but we are not bothered about sex. It's just messy and we take care of any urges ourselves. I understand if it's mismatched then that's got to be annoying but I wouldn't end an otherwise fab relationship for lack of sex.

KimberleyClark · 13/04/2023 10:38

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 13/04/2023 10:22

No.

That's such a narrow minded way of thinking. Not everyone cares about sex.

Show quote history

Or about having children. OP hasn’t said that is important to her.

Joystir59 · 13/04/2023 10:38

Any history of him being abused or body shamed? He seems to have hang ups and could get help if so, but has to see that the current sexless situation isn't acceptable or fair on you.

ShowUs · 13/04/2023 10:41

Is he ND?

I am and I’m not like this but I know lots of ND people who are.

They can be open about everything but when it comes to sex they get very embarrassed and don’t like to talk or think about it.
I guess you would say they are asexual.

I don’t think he’s gay as he’d still watch porn and probably want sex too.

ShowUs · 13/04/2023 10:43

woofwoofbark · 13/04/2023 10:34

I posted something very similar years ago on here and everyone universally told me to end it.

I didn’t and I wish I had.

Like you I told myself it’s just sex but it’s not, it’s the death of your relationship and your confidence by a thousand cuts. If discussing sex is awkward, soon even cuddling or holding hands will feel awkward. After years of trying to make him want me, I don’t even want any physical contact with him anymore. It’s been very easy to fall out of love because there is literally nothing to love. It’s a friendship at best.

Long term this will destroy your self esteem. It’s not you, it’s him. This situation suits him but it’s you who will carry the burden of it. Don’t inflict that on yourself. If you get on that well, be friends.

Please listen to this.

If you have only been together for 3 years and are already so unmatched then it’s only going to get worse.

Original poster
Hooploop · 13/04/2023 10:49

We're both mid 30s. We're leaning towards not having kids. We do 'cuddle' often and are quite tactile day to day.

It's so ironic because my ex had a super high sex drive, I couldn't touch him without him thinking/hoping it was an invitation for sex! From one extreme to the other.

OP posts:
furryfrontbottom · 13/04/2023 11:18

Start dating other people. He can hardly object.